“Fe Shaqqet Masr El Gadeeda”

Yesterday, I had a so long night, sleepless night… mom was wondering why I couldn’t sleep for two following nights… I knew the reason; it was all about my feelings which I decided on leaving them to my pillow… the two past days, those feelings tired my nights and prevented me from sleeping even for an hour…

I wondered what to do to pass through this heavy night till the sun rise and I find someone to do with or to talk with… I decided on watching the movie Mohamed Nabeel gave me its link to download, it was entitled “Fe Shaqqet Masr El Gadeeda” … I’m going to talk about it here

It is always known that the film authors are mused in their stories by the cultural changes and events we experience in our community…but in fact, they only affected by the concrete events and facts, ignoring the sensual sides of the stories and even if they try to substantiate the sensual sides, they tend only to represent the visual flat feelings, bypassing the highly abstracted implicit feelings –here, I don’t mean concretion or abstraction literal meanings, I mean concrete and abstract as I defined them in an early entry-… this film beat that rule to the extreme…

At first you might get the feeling of a slow moving rate film, but suddenly you get the clue of that slow rate… it is all about giving the film smoothness it had… all the signs I was searching for in “sleepless in Seattle” or “You’ve got a mail” I was crashed on here, in this film…really what a romantic movie… when I saw “Timor and Shafeeqa” I thought it is the most romantic Arabic modern movie, I’ve ever seen – there are many romantic old movies, but I here regard the cultural changes, for sure, we lack modern romantic movies which can represent our feelings and our emotions with a modern view -.. I was right till I saw that movie or it is about what I’ve said above, that the modern romantic movies are aiming at hitting the audience with the meaning, hitting them with the feeling, as if they are forcing you to get to the target emotion, with no probability to miss the feeling… yes, they give you the ability to feel, they are trying to flourish your dreams but they disable your senses… this film tried to heighten the audiences’ soul and feelings, flourish their dreams and bided very well on the audiences’ senses… to get the clue of the film, you need to see, listen, intuit as much as you need to feel… you aren’t only a receiver, you must employ your intuition to enjoy it…

The film can’t be narrated or reported, it must be seen to feel the breeze I got during watching it... but here, I shall concentrate on certain points amazed me:

1.It was all about a 28 years old girl who had never loved someone in reality, she live on her dreams, believing in what her music teacher told them while they were 14 years old, about having a soul-mate who will find you one day, and will never leave you for the rest of your life…

2.Two days ago, I was arguing with a friend who is confident that each girl should have loved at least once, or dreamt of someone… while I’m confident that there are girls who love the feeling of love, but they don’t have someone in reality to love or to dream of

3.The idea of having a soul-mate who is naturally was found for you, even you are miles apart, s/he will get to you… even you maybe dealing with him/her in an aggressive way, then by a single sight, you realize that “ you are my one”

4.Your soul-mate maybe so close to you, s/he maybe much more close to you than you can imagine, and you don’t get to him/her before fate decides on… this is what the director expressed many times… I can remember when Khaled Abu el Naga was riding his motorcycle while Ghada Adel was in the microbus and he doesn’t know or realize her and also I can remember the scene while she was riding the taxi which passes under the viaduct, the same time he is passing on it riding his motorcycle…

5.The songs transmitted on the radio, were all compromising with the situation they pass through each scene, and that was another sign

6.I was impressed by his words, while he was talking on the radio show… he was talking about loving those who aren’t your “one”… the situation in this case and the mess you feel inside during your search for the one

7.At first I wondered how he felt this curiosity and anxiety about her while he is suffering from a recent break-up... I doubted that he had misled feelings that many of hurt people may experience after break-up which may lead them to do anything to relieve… but after a while, I got that what he experienced with his ex- was just an affair which had no feelings to govern, just an affair, just the desire to be with anyone with no controls or rules… so it is acceptable to fall in love, or to be attracted to someone after giving up that affair even in the same day.. it was ok

8. The most fascinating scene in the film, when they were certain about their love, she rode the motorcycle after him, the camera on their faces, and she got her hair down after she used to had her hair in a horse tail style… I don’t aim at the explicit appearance, I’m aiming at the implicit feeling she had at that moment, to get all your loneliness away, to get the air breeze through her hair, to get all her fears and worries away, all those disturbing feelings which she hold in her horse tail, to get rid of them all once she has her hair down.. once she got her one… this meaning is that one which I was searching for words to express it for a week, I was getting up and down to express it, and it was all expressed by a scene of duration of about 5 seconds… to get back and feel your feminine nature… to feel it for a reason… we always feel it, since we are 4 or 5 years old, while we are playing with our dolls… but to have a reason to feel it, that’s the clue here…

Like the story of the knight whom princess weakened by her instructions – out of her fear and care of him- and stripped him of his ability to decide and take on actions… the princess may lose her ability to give if she doesn’t have the one to care of... for females, it is not about having someone to care of her as much as it is about having someone to care about him and all the details of his life, if she doesn’t practice that feeling, she may lose it, or feel at least that she is disturbed and have nothing to do and it may take her a long time to fix what has been broken inside… once she have the one, she begins to practise the feeling of her existence and of her femininity again…

Here I can find this note conformed with the song by Elissa where she says:

قبلك قلبى كان شجرة بلا عصافير.. جنة بلا ألوان ..فراشة مافيها تطير..غيّرت الزمان.. بدّلت البرد بدفء

Really I replayed that 5 seconds scene for more than 6 times to feel that feeling again and again and I’m planning to re-watch this film again… I’m so impressed…

Roses' smell: final part

I’ve been very impressed by this story to the extent that I insist on continuing writing and thinking of it… I know the reason for this, I find myself in a part of it and I find some similarities between my story and their...to be more exact, I get hope from their existence together…

Why do we always tend to see the deepest darkest sides of the situations?!!!.... I used to think of the word: there are no guarantees to be equivalent to nothing will make a difference but yesterday I got another view of the word… it maybe equivalent to there is hope, some day it will be the right way

Yesterday was the final chapter – for me- in this story, the story I’m noticing for a year… they got engaged finally!!!.... For them, it is the beginning of a new life… but for me it is the happy end I was aspiring for... It is the proof that there is always hope and situations and maybe feelings may take a completely opposite turn in a single moment, by just an eye-look … yes!!!

Since last month, he was so disturbed by the fact that he would join the army to perform his military service… the year which he would spend there and his practical progress discontinuation weren’t the only things that disturbed him... he was also disturbed by the fact that he would leave her hanged with the fear that one day while his absence he may lose her… he won’t lose her heart, but he was afraid of the pressures she may face from her family to accept one of those guys who propose to her everyday

Also, he was so loaded by the weddings we attend everyday… yes, I’m not kidding… he talked to me one day to tell that he is so miserable by the feeling that he is hanging her and he must do anything to make her happy, she is a girl like all the girls of her age, she must have the love and care she deserves and he was afraid about her feelings when she attended everyday a wedding of one of her friends of the same age – i.e. he was miserable as he was sure that while she was going to attend a wedding or while she was in a wedding of one of her friends, she was dreaming of herself in the wedding dress, she was dreaming of being the queen of the day, and he was afraid to be late to make her dream come true although he is sure that this is what she deserves but the situation is out of his hands-… he was burdening himself a lot, but I was so happy that he felt what she might feel, and I was so happy to meet someone who takes the responsibility of the small feelings that the girl may feel and those feelings are to be handled soon but he insists on thinking of them, because simply they won’t be handled unless he -and only he- thinks of them ….

This answered a lot of my questions when I wondered in an early entry about how shall a puzzle space request a puzzle piece to fit into ,and I believe that males are actors and we –the females- are reactors… actually, we are also actors, but implicit actors… we trigger the action of the explicit apparent actors… we trigger the action by a feeling or an eye-look … as I said before, when girls fall into love, they need to have soul merging with the other… each lover would have soul merge with his/her partner, but this soul merge would be complete to the extent that makes the man also feel what she needs and what she feels exactly with no need to more explanations, if and only if, he is a sensitive man… Males aren’t only depending on the apparent feelings as we may think, some of them – not all- have intuition or what we may call –in the females’ world- the sixth sense by which we can perceive many hidden patterns only by an eye-look… but most of them need to have the sentences clearly stated and the feelings are explained correctly, they always need interpretations and explanations to make them cross to the female’s world, it is due to neither their insensitivity nor their incomplete-love, but it is caused by the two worlds' differences… so I was so pleased to meet someone who can have complete soul merging with his partner… I don’t mean that all the surrounding persons don’t have that complete soul merge, but I can’t judge unless I hadn’t met the two partners in the same era…

Back to the main story here… due to his fears and worries, he decided on that their engagement must be as soon as possible…on Sunday, I knew for sure that their engagement would be the week following the EID… I was above the sky, it was as if it was my engagement not their… I was aspiring to tell all the world that the dream came true at last… then they decided on that it will be on the third day of the EID… I decided to get involved in all the arrangements and they asked me to send their engagement’s announcing mail… I found myself calling some friends to tell them and yelling in the phone announcing their engagement with a very happy tone and expecting the others to share those happy feelings with me with the same impression…

I felt their warm feelings and their eye-looks … though some of our friends were jealous and trying to find some criteria to make it not working, like the age difference for example, but it was a vain way…

Maybe it was the first time to attend a party and find myself dreaming and not getting annoyed after realizing the real world I’m in the moment I dream, I found my dream conformed with that party… maybe it was the first party to attend and I didn’t have my mood down by any action or any interruption of the real world… it conformed here!!!.... Yesssssssss!!!!

Well, I’ve some quotes I want to mention here:

The groom: “Ghada, I was about to lose part of my mind each time I hear that there is some guy proposing to her… I had to make my mind up and take a quick action… I told my father to meet her father immediately, I know I wasn’t about to live a moment if I had lost her”… he said so Sunday evening in an online conversation

The one whom I love: “Ghada, I hope you find the one soon”

Me: “I have hope, intuition, dreams and many warm feelings… I dedicate my feelings to him and I hope that my dream may one day come true… and till that day, I may fly above in the sky with my dreams… but I’m aware to make my intuition guide me and not let me be misled by my hope and dreams”

Cruelty

The two months I’ve been working came unfortunately in the same time while I’m experiencing great feelings’ confusion, soul emptiness and mixture of undefined feelings

I know well that in the beginning of any era you may face some feelings confusion, it is acceptable to me… but this came unfortunately synchronized with confusions in many areas in my life, which made me so unstable

I swear I’m not that one who is talking now!!!...I’m not that cruel one…but, I needed badly to document that conversation for two reasons:

1-I’m sure I’ll regret each word I’ve said here, so I want to face myself with those words to learn from the situation

2-I’m passing through that feelings’ confusion since a month, and I’m always not able to figure out or express what I actually feel … this conversation was my first time when I’m able to express those feelings more clear than anytime else during this era … that much of expression isn’t satisfying for me, and isn’t healing … but it was the most till that time while I’m writing this

This conversation took place between me and Dr.Seyam,

Dr.Seyam: have you seen Dr.Mervat’s entry entitled “I’m done”?

Me: yes, she was afraid of being unfair, though I think it was her right to take an action against them to preserve her rights… I dislike the students, and I’ve no intention to sacrifice any of my rights for them…

Dr.Seyam: how shall you be able to give?

Me: who said I have the desire to give?… haven’t you read my latest blog entry? I’m not going to sacrifice so as not to regret at the end … I found that nothing can make a difference …

Dr.Seyam: did you really mean so?

Me: no… yes… well, I don’t know actually… I’m so confused … look, the situation imposes a certain action to be taken

Dr.Seyam: look, I’m not going to discuss this matter now, but what I want to tell you is that when you don’t have the desire to give… you won’t take anything in return…and if you dislike the students and teaching then you won’t succeed and you won’t be able to satisfy yourself

Me: I swear I don’t know what exactly I want … but in the passing three hard examination days, I got annoyed so much… and I made up my mind to be so, I found that I can have no feelings toward any student… no feelings toward their failure or their success… no feelings toward their degrees.. no matter to do anything to defend myself… for example, the students whom were declared to deceive in the DS examination and Haitham insisted on substituting a mark out of their total, I did so with no feelings at all… I did so only to defend him and get our right back… and once he came back and he was hesitated about whether it was right or wrong to do so, I was so offensive against the students and I insisted on that they are mistaken not us

I don’t have the desire to put myself in their shoes… I don’t know why I turned to be that cruel one in a week…exactly a week!!!

Dr.Seyam: I don’t like you saying this, and I feel you aren’t so good while you are talking now, but please consider that you are wrong…

Me: really I’m so confused right now and I’m not able to state a strategy to tell you, but I feel that isn’t me who is talking.. I’m not that cruel one…

But also, I feel I’m comforted that way…. OOOH, really I don’t know and I’m not able even to interpret my words and feelings nowadays…

Dr.Seyam: ok, take your time, but don’t make a decision or take any action now … you haven’t yet reached your second maturity level

Me: do you think I’m really that cruel or it is a matter of time?

Dr.Seyam: it is a matter of time, and then you would reach your third maturity level and rest there for some time, but at the beginning of the next year we will see what will be there

Me: I always wonder why I expected nice treatment and help from the T.As while I’m not willing to help students… I always suppose that the good students would have special treatment from me, but I find myself treat them the same as the others … and I always find justifications for all what I’m doing

Dr.Seyam: what shall I feel when you tell me that you are expecting me to leave at anytime for any reason? What shall I feel when I find you doubting my friendship?

Me: unsafe

Dr.Seyam: is it a nice feeling to have?

Me: worst

Dr.Seyam: how can I trust you while you trust neither me nor yourself?

Me: ok, I don’t trust students… I always suppose that they are coming to lie to me or to deceive me, so I always don’t give myself the chance to believe them so I can’t help them

Dr.Seyam: well, it is breakable [from your side], due to something went wrong, even if misunderstanding occur

Me: yes, I’ve told you that I feel I’m so confused, all my feelings are conflicting, and I can’t disjoin them from each other.. And I can’t figure out the core feeling which influenced all the other feelings…

I’ve many feelings … the core of them is undefined… the command is initiated by that feeling and the action is applied to all the problems with different interface for that action

I don’t know whether the main problem is the students and their unrespectable actions, or it is all because of heart wounds or it is caused mainly by my problems with my family… all what I feel now is that I can’t formulate what actually annoys me... I found the justification to take any action to relieve my soul while taking the action … I feel I’m not governed nowadays by any principle, any value, any rule, and even I feel lost governing ethics

Dr.Seyam: that is why I began with my question trying to remind you of principles, values, rules and ethics… I think you don’t have someone to trust nowadays, so sometimes I see you falling…that’s why sometimes I turn to say silly words, maybe rude words also... just to remind you of who you are!!!

Me: I really meant the words “I don’t know whether I’m bleeding or I have and empty soul”... Maybe the mixture of both cases…

Dr.Seyam: just remember that you are on earth to do a certain task, you must do it

Me: to do that task I must feel that I’m alive at first, while I don’t feel so... or maybe I don’t feel the desire to feel so

Dr.Seyam: it is not the fault of anyone, and no one would be affected by your failure but you

Me: my problems are getting worse by the days… also the fact that there are no guarantees, makes me fall and lose my stress on any idea or any plan… I really have no plans, can you believe it!!!

Dr.Seyam: one can live without plans, but can’t live without dreams

Me: I used to have many dreams, but now I have a single hard-to-reach dream which I reserve all my efforts and resources for…I feel I'm dedicated for that dream... I swear now I don’t know why I’m a T.A… I used to think of the master degree and the PHD as they are a must for me… now I don’t mind give them all up easily… I don’t know the answer of whether I need the master degree or not… whether I’m happy with my job or not… I’m so confused…

Ratings

I’ve been through a very loaded month…I’ve attended four weddings and many parties, I’m about to rate those weddings from different views:

· The 1st wedding (1/11/2007):

It was such a marvelous wedding, it was very integrable with no single mistake … I was in no mood to attend, especially that Amr is not a friend, he was just a colleague…but I swear that if I hadn’t attended, I’d have regretted so much….

Starting with the groom and the pride got engaged due to a love story … this is a very important point to be mentioned …

Well, to analyze at first the apparent sides of the wedding:

1-The pride’s dress and her haircut were so nice, he make-up was fantastic, actually she was so pretty … I liked her... also, the groom’s suit was suitable and its color goes with the pride’s wedding dress’s color

2-The D.J was fascinating and the band members were so active … also, the songs selection was great

3-I liked the idea of having the (maa’zoon) in the hall to give them the marriage in the same place and all the attendance can see and hear the event well through the monitor … I liked this idea so much especially that at the same day afternoon we attended Hasnaa’s (katb ketab) in the mosque and we could neither hear nor see anything...even the pride wasn’t able to listen or even see the groom through that tiny place available through the curtains

4-the pride and the groom danced a lot till they got tired… they were so convenient to each other

5-I liked the attendance, especially the old people, they were dancing some dances I was wondering where they were taught them, like samba, tango, tsha tsha tshaa!!!!

6-The hall was great, and the service was high quality

If I’m going to analyze the spiritual sides of the wedding:

1- I liked the groom’s and the pride’s eyes’ look, they were so clear … it was so obvious, they are in love, it isn’t an ordinary marriage….

2- All the attendance had a great sense of humor, even the old people

3-I liked the pride’s and the groom’s friends…they were so loving and they were all happy for them…they did their best to make that wedding so nice as it was …

I cried while they were dancing slow (don’t be so cute and tell that I’m crying coz I loved Amr) but the point was that I’m just was dreaming of myself that moment… besides, the song they danced at was a marvelous song …it was for Shania Twain, called “when you kiss me”

This could be it,

I think I'm in love

It's love this time

It just seems to fit, I think I'm in love

This love is mine

I can see you with me when I'm older

All my lonely night are finally over

You took the weight of the world off my shoulders (the world just goes away)

When you kiss me,

I know you miss me

and when you're with me,The world just goes away

The way you hold me

The way you show me

that you adore me--oh, when you kiss me

I really was so affected by the song and I found myself crying but thanks Allah my friends didn't notice me .... really,i've become too sensitive !!!

Final note: Dr.Seyam told me that if the relation is based mainly on love then everything would appeal or seem to the others’ to be complete even if they don’t know the base of the relation… really, it was the most fascinating wedding I've attended, it was perfect and may Allah bless their love and life…

· The 2nd wedding:

This wedding thanks Allah wasn’t as we expected to be moveless, it was nice time to spend there … may Allah bless them

The most remarkable thing that the pride and the groom have very similar facial features… this is what I call the “soul’s mingling effect”... but actually they aren’t married due to love …

By the way, the bride had a marvelous make-up and a very nice purdah (7ejab)

· The 3rd wedding:

This is the day we all aspired to, Omnyia’s wedding…we all expected it to be fascinating and it was… the accompany was so nice… we meet many of our colleagues… I was so happy to meet Mohamed Nabeel there… also Dr.Seyam attended… the most amazing thing that Dr.Abu el Osool left before the buffet!!!!!

The attendance and the band were nice…

The loving and happy attending people were remarkable in that wedding… this wedding was spiritually very high

· The 4th wedding:

Unfortunately I had the worst mood ever in that wedding, beginning with the long heavy trip

Most of my friends got phone calls from their lovers to ask about them and assure that they are safe … I didn’t got the call I was aspiring for, I was very sure that it would have been a friendly call … I knew well that it was a hard-to-reach dream … but I wasn’t fine at all

I got about 5 calls & 3 SMSs from Dr.Seyam, about 10 calls from Dr.Sum, 2 calls from Yasmina…and finally at 3:00 am I got a call from mom to make sure that I’m coming back and perhaps she was assuring that I’m still alive :D

The wedding was nice concerning the arrangements and the singers …but it lacked spirit unfortunately, also it lacked the expected attendance – actually I don’t know the reason till now- …. But the obvious is that the pride had very nice make-up

Thanks to Dr.Sum & Yasmina we all went home safely at about 5:30 am …also Dr.Seyam was on the phone with us along the way….

Question of the day

Why I’m always asked to feel the others’ feelings, troubles and problems while they don’t do the same ….

Why they are always seeing the problems from their aspect only and they aren’t trying to put themselves in my position while they always ask me to put myself in their position as a strategy to conclude that I’m guilty …

Why loud discussions are the base principle while loud or soft discussions have the same results, you maybe convinced or not at the end, but they differ only in the degree of anger provoking at the end … while rational discussions aren’t used because I’m (also) the one who is claimed to be savage and can’t be convinced at all…

Why always at the end I’m the one – the only one – who is claimed to be responsible for the whole problem, I’m the only one to be blamed and I’m declared to be self-conceited, selfish, and don’t ever think of the others’ feelings

Why I’m asked now not to be selfish or self-conceited??????????????? … it is known that when a mother is used to tell her son:”you are stupid”... He will resist for sometime... Then he will act as a stupid, even if he was pretending to be so… but he will act that way, because in both cases he is to be blamed so why doesn’t he try some way to relieve

My first day !!!

Though, I’ve been working for two months, but this day seemed to be my first day as a T.A… it was my first day to mark sheets and papers or attend an exam as a T.A… and what a tough day it was!!

The only nice thing is that I was making notes which I feel I may benefit from them in the future; here I’m going to list them:

1-I want to learn the technique of sneaking depending on the higher level’s ignorance … how to benefit from this … I told Dr.Seyam in the morning once I saw him :” I want to consult someone about this concept ;) really I want to learn this “

2-Why I dealt with Fatma that way?.. I asked myself that Q. many times during the day … why I was arrogant like that with her, though she is so kind, so polite … I mustn’t repeat that way again… with her or with anyone else … and she doesn’t deserve to be dealt such way , especially that she is not as the other … so they mustn’t be in the same package

3-Everyday, I feel how much we were so disturbing while we were students … the student has the responsibility for only him/herself... while the instructor, or the T.A has the responsibility for the whole class … and what a headache

4-I feel I’ve no willing to cooperate anymore with anyone... whether that one is a student, T.A, colleague or anything else … I’m not willing to share

5-My mistrust of the others grows incredibly everyday … I feel I’m not able to trust anyone anymore… this feeling is annoying me in a way increasing each day… I believe that the others always have another meaning and another feeling hidden behind their words and their sights and I must explore those hidden patterns… especially the students, I always expect they are liars till they prove the opposite

6-I don’t know how I treated with that cold face and friendly smile with her!!! … I was so surprised when she approached me and I hoped too much that she isn’t coming to talk to me… because this is the latest one ever I may hope to have a conversation with, even a formal one…my heart was beating strongly, and I tried to control all my nerves to be so cold … when I was marking the papers while her section was in, I left all the work to find myself only noticing her!!!... I hope I won’t be in the situation again to talk with her till she is graduated

7-After all, Haitham’s site was deployed and students got their examination in Lab.4, Thanks Allah Haitham was able to manage all that, I was happy for two reasons actually:

•A friend – Haitham – is happy and this may assure him deeply, really I’m so comforted accordingly and I hope this heightens his spirit... I know it maybe not enough for him, but I hope it is ok at least for nowadays…

•A new trend became true, and may lead to more subsequent new trends, I’m excited

8-I still and I will always admit that Dr.Seyam and Haitham are my teachers and before they are my friends … I only meant what I said literally:” If you had been marking all the papers and all those silly sheets … you may have the headache and won’t be able to go through any philosophical discussion” … I know that they had been through much more exhausting days before, so what I’m saying!!!

9-I was so happy when they insisted on consolidating my position when we were in Dr.Alaa’s office … I was so happy, not of the apparent situation but I was happy with their supporting feelings… Thanks a lot my dear friends…

10-I don’t believe anymore in the saying:” when you do something today, you may get the return tomorrow” … as my black experience imposed on me to believe in the fact that there may be no return at all … when you love someone to the deepest point in your heart and soul, you may get no return … when you give a lot, you may face ingratitude from the all ( don’t remind me with my colleagues of the same year, especially my group !!!) … so, work is the most likely domain of ingratitude.. but ingratitude here is covered with the word:” duty” … even when “you need to be appreciated from the others, even if you know you are the best”… but when you ask for some respect you may have the others looking at you in a suspicious way telling you that you are the most self-concerned person ever … and now I’m in a mood to tell that I don’t mind not having any return at all, coz simply I won’t give or exert any extra-effort from the beginning …

11-I remembered when I went home when you both examined me in the DB practical exam in the 3rd year,1st term … I remembered also that I formed a complex SQL query and I was happy of this … also I remembered that my sheet was one of the fastest sheets to be marked ;)

12-Back to my empty soul … actually I can’t determine whether my heart is bleeding or I'm suffering from my empty soul or my confused, unled mind …but I’m sure that I’m not stable at all nowadays .. even I can’t concentrate on or remember anything unfortunately

13-My favourite piece of song today is:

" لكن محاسبتكيش .. وقولتلك مفيش ... كأنك يا حبيبتى أمرك ميهمنيش !! "

حكايتى

مش عارفة ليه أنا حبيت أكتب بالعربى وكمان بالعامية وكمان جريت على الوورد علشان أكتب على الجهاز وأحطه على البلوج مع إن مكتبى فيه حاجات مكتوبه بإيدى ومعنديش الجرأة لغاية دلوقتى إنى أنشرها على البلوج ... بس مقاومتش الرغبة دى ... يمكن علشان ده هيساعدنى أكتر ف إنى أعبر عن اللى جوايا ... عن مشاعرى وأحاسيسى .. شموعى .... مش عارفه ... بس بصراحه أنا ماصدقت إنى تجيلى الجرأة إنى أكتب تانى ... مع الرغبة ف إنى أقول كل الحكاية .. من غير تغيير أى معنى أو بمعنى أدق ؛ من غير أى محاولة للهروب .. الانجليزى كان بيساعدنى جدا ف الهروب من اللى خايفة أقوله ... ف المراوغة ... وتقريبا أنا مش عاوزة أعمل ده دلوقتى ... علشان أنا حاسسه إنى محبوسة أوى جوا الدايرة ... لوحدى ...

الحكاية بدأت من 3 سنين ... وأنا وهو ف نفس الأوضة دى ... هأحاول أوصفها على أد أما أفتكر ... أصلها شكلها دلوقتى مختلف خالص ...كانت فيها لمبة نيون ... فيها شباك صغير ... وباب ... الباب ده أنا مشغلتش نفسى وقتها أفكر هو مفتوح وللا مقفول ... ولو مقفول ياترى مفتاحه معايا وللا معاه ... ولو مش لا معايا ولا معاه يبقى مع مين ؟؟ ... كمان الشباك ده بيبص على الشارع ... شكلهم إيه الناس اللى ف الشارع دول ؟؟ ... الحقيقه مشغلتش بالى بكل الأسئلة دى علشان ببساطه اللى مننا هييجى يخرج من الأوضة هيدور على المفتاح بتاعها .. وبكده يبقى فتح للاتنين الباب ... كمان الشباك مش مهم مين اللى معدى ف الشارع .. أدينا بنتفرج ونحكى لبعض وخلاص ...

كنا إحنا الاتنين واقفين مع بعض ف الشباك بنتفرج ... تقريبا أيامى كانت كلها نهار ... كنت سعيده أوى من جوايا ... كنت متفائلة وطموحه ... كنت حاسة إننى ممكن أعمل فرق ف الدنيا ... وكنت على استعداد إنى أعمل التغيير ده للناس اللى حواليا كمان .. وشايفه ف نفسى إنى أد ده أوى ...وأد أى تحدى ممكن أقابله ...كنت حاسه إنى ممكن أحضن الدنيا كلها ف مرة واحده ... أيوة حقيقى كنت حاسسه انى بس محتاجه الطريق ... إنما الرغبة ف كده موجوده ... صحيح كنت حاسه إنه حياتى ناشفه شويه؛ لأن أحلامى دى أنا بس اللى بأحلمها وبأفكر فيها لوحدى ... وممكن أكون بأحكيها ليه ... بس هو مش بيحلمها معايا ....

بس كان ف نقط كده عندى بأحطها ف آخر كل جملة ... وهو كمان كان بيحطها ... بس مخدتش بالى من النقط دى خالص؛تقريبا كانت مدفونه ف عقلى الباطن أو بمعنى أدق ف قلبى الباطن ... لغاية أما حصل الزلزال ... زلزال هز البيت اللى فيه الأوضه دى ... هزها أوى لدرجه إنى وقعت على الأرض ؛ بعدت عن الشباك ...وقعت ف نص الأوضة بالظبط ... الحيطان اتشرخت ... واللمبة النيون انطفت ... الناس اللى كانوا ف البيت ، ف الأوض التانية ماتوا من عنف الزلزال .... كنت خايفة إلى أبعد حدوود ... قمة الخوف اللى ف الدنيا ..."غاده ... غاده "..." إيه ده إنت لسه معايا ف الأوضه ؟؟ " ..." أيوة أنا هنا "... وفجأة لاقيت إيد بتشدنى أوى ف الضلمة ...وقفنى تانى على رجلى ... " إنتى كويسه ؟؟" ... "أيوة بس مش شايفاك ..إنت فين ؟؟" ... إدانى الأمان اللى كنت محتاجاه أوى ف الوقت ده ...
وفجأة لاقيت كل النقط اللى كانت متبعترة يمين وشمال ف الأوضه بتتجمع مع بعض ... المسافات بين النقط بتتلغى ...الحروف بتضم ... وبتتكون كلمة ف نص الأوضة بالظبط... إيه الكلمة دى ... كلمة ليها لمعان جامد أوى نوّرت الأوضه كلها ... من اللمعان إحنا الاتنين مش عرفنا نبص ونقرا الكلمة ..."يااه .. إيه ده ؛ إنت اللى رسمت الكلمه دى جوايا كده ؟؟ " ... " أيوة أنا ؛ بس عينى بتوجعنى أوى مش عارف أشوفها " ....

بصيت... اللمعان خف وقدرت أقرا الكلمه أخيرا ... معقولة !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... طلعت غير أما توقعت خالص ... يااااه .. أحلى وأصعب كلمة ف نفس الوقت ....ياربى

أحلى كلمة علشان حياتى معادتش ناشفه زى أما كانت قبل كده ... أحلى كلمه علشان هو إنسان عظيم أوى، بكل معانى الكلمة ...بجد ، ده رأيى فيه من أول أما قابلته .. ده مش من تأثير الكلمة بس فعلا، قبل أما النقط تتجمع كنت بأبصله بكل فخر واحترام...
أصعب كلمه علشان أنا قريتها بسرعة ؛ لكن هو عينه وجعته ؛ حط وشه بين كفيه ... وبعدين إتدور بجسمه كله ... وراح ناحية الشباك بسرعه .... أنا بس اللى قريتها .. أنا بس اللى شفتها ... غيرت حياتى من أول أما قريتها ... حوّلت مساراتى كلها ...بقيت بابص من الشباك بعينيه ... الإضاءة بتاعة النيون مكانتش مخليانى أشوفه كويس ... إيه ده !!! ... هو ده الحد اللى كنت راسمة البورتريه بتاعه من حوالى 8 سنين كده .... معقولة بجد إنت الحد ده ؟؟؟...ياااااه ؛إنت كنت فين من زمان ؛ ده أنا كنت مستنياك ؛ كنت واقفه ف الشباك مستنياك وأتاريك واقف جنبى وأنا مش شايفاك !!! ...كل ده أنا قلته جوايا أول أما قريت الكلمه دى ؛ أول أما الزلزال ده خلص وبدأت أفوق منه؛ حسيت بحاجات تانية خالص مع إنه نفس الشخص بس شفته بعين تانيه ...

حاولت ... بدأت أجيب شموع وأنورها حوالين الكلمه ؛ الله ؛ الإضاءة رومانسية أوى ... ولمسته على كتفه .. " بص كده إيه رأيك؟؟" ... " آه كويس ؛ ميرسى ليكى " .. ودوّر وشه تانى ناحية الشباك ... الله ؛ ده مشافش الكلمة برده ... بص بس ناحية الشموع وساب الكلمة !!! ... خايف ؟؟ ... مش متهيألى ... أمال إيه ؟؟ ... مش عاوز ؟؟ ...لأ ... طيب إيه ؟؟ ... مش عارفه !!
طيب خلاص ... هأعمل حاجه تانية كمان مع الشموع هأجيب ورود وأفرش الأرض حوالين الكلمة ... تانى على كتفه ... " بص كده ؟؟" ... "استنى بس .. أنا بأبص ف الشباك " ... ماهو صحيح .. إحنا كان اتفاقنا من الأول إننا بنبص مع بعض من الشباك ...متفقناش إنه هنعمل حاجه ف الأوضة ... وجايز هو استغرب انى بقيت مهتمه بالأوضه و ماليش دعوة بالشباك خالص ... " أهه يا سيدى ؛ ف إيه ف الشباك يعنى ؟؟ " .. مفيش حاجه ... بس لأول مرة أخاف .. أخاف أوى كمان من الشباك .. والناس اللى بيعدّوا من قدام الشباك .. بس مفيش حاجه أقدر أعملها ... مش من حقى إنى اقفل الشباك ... ده بتاعنا إحنا الاتنين

إديته ضهرى .. مش علشان هو مش يهمنى .. بالعكس؛ ده علشان أجمع وأشكل الشموع والورود بأجمل وأحلى شكل ... لانى إكتشفت إنه دايما بيبص عليهم هما بس ... آآآآه لو رفع راسه شويه كان زمانه قرا الكلمة دى !!!
اشتريت شموع وشموع وشموع ... لغاية أما فلوسى خلصت كلها عليهم ... عرفت منين انها خلصت ؟؟ ... علشان ببساطه بقيت بأسكت ف الوقت اللى لازم أتكلم فيه ... وألوم نفسى جامد على السكوت ده .. لأنى لو سكتت أوى هيسرح أوى ف الشباك ... مع إنى كنت بألوم نفسى قبل كده على الكلام .. أحسن أستهجى الكلمة قدامه .. وللا حتى أقولها غصب عنى ف وقت أسرح وأنا معاه ... السكوت أحسن يابنتى ... لأ ... مش عارفه بقى
لا السكوت نافع ولا الكلام نافع !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"تعالى بصى كده على الشباك " ... " لأ لأ لأ مش جايه ؛ أنا تعبت وزهقت من الشباك ده "
جريت بسرعة ناحية الكلمة ؛ أطفى الشموع .. أقطع الورود ... أكسر التمثال ... قصدى الكلمه ... زى المجنونة بالظبط .. منتهى الغضب .. منتهى الثورة ... أنا ماعودتش قادرة خلاااااااااص
لاقيته واقف ورايا ... بمنتهى الهدوء .. بمنتهى العظمة ... بمنتهى الرقه...بمنتهى الرجولة ... مسك إيدي قبل أما أكسر التمثال .. ودوّرنى ناحيته ... مكلمنيش .. ولا عاتبنى ... بص ليا بنظرة كلها حنان ... وبكل كبرياء جاب عود كبريت وانحنى يولع الشموع اللى انطفت .. وسقى الزهور اللى اتبهدلت

يا حلم نفسى تحلمه كل القلوووووووووب ... يا أحلى إحساس شدنى خللااانى أدوووووووووب ... خلااانى أحس إنى بشر !!!

برده مرفعش راسه يقرا الكلمة ... مع إنه مش ليا ؛ بس حقيقى أعظم إنسان قابلته ... يا حلم نفسى تحلمه كل القلوووووووووووووب
كل صفاته .. كل سكناته ... كل حركاته ... كل مواقفه ... يااه؛ أد إيه أنا فخورة بيه ، ومعجبة بيه ... كل ده جه ف دماغى وأنا بأبصله وهو بيحاول يعدل اللى أنا بوظته يمين وشمال .. أد إيه جميل إحساسى ف اللحظه دى وف كل اللحظات اللى بأكون فيها معاه ... إحساس الطفلة الصغيرة ... الشقيه والمجنونه والمتمردة وف نفس الوقت اللى بترجع مكسوفه بعد أما تتشاقى ووشها أحمر ... أد إيه إنت بتخلينى أقوللك حاضر .. وأحب إحساس حاضر .. وأتلكك علشان أقولها ... أكيد إنت تستحقها ... أد إيه بأكون فرحانه وأنا بأقولها ليك

رجع هو للشباك وقعدت أنا على الأرض قدام الشموع والورود .. بدأت أفكر أحاول أبعتر الكلمه تانى .. أحاول أرجعها نقط بعيده عن بعضها .. طيب إزاى ده ؛ مش سايب لى فرصه ... طيب بلاش خليها ... أهى إحساس جميل لحد يستحقه فعلا ؛ وجايز يتدور ويبص لفوق عليها ف يوم من الأيام... ممكن برده ... بس دلوقتى أنا عاوزة أرجع لنهارى تانى ... عاوزه أرجع لحياتى ومسارى تانى .. معقوله هأفضل أبص على الشباك بعينيه طول الوقت ؟؟ ... معقوله هتفضل أحلامه هى أحلامى ؟؟ ...بس هو مدانيش الحق ده ... هو اصلا ميعرفش إنى إديته لنفسى

...

أى بنت ف الدنيا أما بتحب بتحس بكده ... بتحس إنها عاوزة تبقى جزء من الكل ... أحلامه هى أحلامها.. طموحه هو طموحها...نجاحه هو نجاحها ... بتشوف الدنيا بعينيه ... الحكاية مش بتبقى رغبه ف إلغاء الذات ؛ علشان محدش يرضى لنفسه إنه يكون تابع لحد ... بس الحكاية هى الرغبة ف امتزاج الذات ... الشكل النهائى هو ذات واحده بعقلين ... المهام متوزعه ... بس العائد واحد هيتوزع على اتنين على الرحب والسعة .. أكيد هيكفيهم ... ملهومش دعوه هيكفيهم إزاى بس هما هيظبطوا نفسهم انه يكفيهم ... بالظبط زى إنه هو بيشتغل ويتعب بره البيت .. وهى جوه بتشتغل وتتعب ... هو بينجح ويبقى مشهور ... هو اللى اتعرف قدام الناس ... بس هى سعيده ممكن اكتر منه بنجاحه ... كده نجاحه متوزع عليهم هما الاتنين ... هى حست انها هى كمان نجحت .. مع إن العائد كان ظاهريا عائد لشخص واحد بس .. لأن هو بس اللى حس بإنه ناجح قدام الناس
يعنى أنا دلوقتى دخلت نفسى ف دايرة نسيت فيها نفسى ... تهت وضعت ولوحدى رجعت !!! ... وبرده مش لاقيه ولا فاكرة أنا كنت بأفكر ف إيه أيام أما كنت بأبص بعيونى من الشباك ... مصرة إنى أبص بعينيه هو .. مع إنه مش معتبرنى جزء من الكل ده .. هو بيتعامل معايا على إنى كل لوحدى !!! ... بأحاول أنقل الحلم الوردى على أد أما أقدر للواقع ... بس للأسف مش هتظبط منى خالص .. تهت ف الطريق للحلم

طيب الخطوة اللى جاية إيه ؟؟ أخخخخخخ ... ده أنا هأستنى لغاية أما يفتح هو الباب بتاع الأوضه... أصل المفتاح طلع معاه ... طيب وبعدين ... السؤال دلوقتى بقى ياترى أما يفتح الباب هيقفله تانى وراه عليا ويسيبنى جوه الأوضه وللا هيسيبه مفتوح ؟؟ وياترى أنا لو خرجت وراه هآخد أد إيه وقت على أما عينى تاخد على نور النهار اللى بره وللا أنا خلاص ماعودتش هأعرف أشوف تانى؟؟ ...بتهيألى إنه أصلا أما يخرج هيقفله وراه تانى عليا ... أصلى للأسف متوقعش إنى ممكن أقابل حد تانى ف عمرى كله بالشكل ده ...ههههههه ؛ لأ طبعا شكله عمره ما هيفكر إنه يفضل معايا ف الأوضه ويقفل الشباك ؛ هو لسه مقراش الكلمة ؛ قلنا بيبص بس لتحت على الشموع اللى على الأرض مبيرفعش راسه لفوق...

ياترى الشمس هتفضل هى اللى مستنية الغروب وكارهه الفجر اللى بياخدها من البحر؟؟ وللا الدنيا هترجع لطبيعتها ويرجع البحر يعلّى موجه علشان يطول بإيده الشمس ..يمسكها ويشدها للغروب .. ويمنعها وقت الشروق ؟؟؟؟..... ياترى ده ممكن ؟؟؟

على فكرة ياد. صيام ... اللى أنا كتباه ده كله مش خطوة ف طريق الحلم اللى حكيتلك عنه قبل أما أمشى ف آخر مرة شفتك فيها ... ده بس محاوله لنفى وإثبات ضعفى .. الاتنين ف نفس الوقت
بنفيه علشان بأحاول أواجهه وأثبت أد إيه أنا كبيرة وأقدر أواجه الخوف اللى جوايا ... وإنى أقدر أقول اللى أنا عاوزاه بالظبط .. زى أما كنت بأعمل زمان؛ أيام أما كنت بأبص من الشباك ... زى بالظبط أما كنت سعيدة باللى عملته ف مكتب د.علاء من كام أسبوع .. مع إنه مكنش صح .. بس ده اللى كنت عاوزاه
بأثبته .. علشان أجمل حاجه ممكن أى بنت تحس بيها هى الضعف ... الضعف الأنثوى الجميل ... مش الضعف اللى الناس كلها بتكرهه لأنه بيكون نقيصه فيهم ..لأ ...الاحساس ده جزء من شموعى اللى أنا بأنورها حوالين التمثال ...ومش هأقدر أتخلى عنه .. ومش عاوزه كمان بصراحه علشان مينفعش...

الحكاية لسه ليها باقى ؛لسه هأعرفه من الأيام أو يمكن السنين اللى جايه

I turned to be...

Here I’ll try to characterize then analyze my feelings and my decisions concerning the situations I’m passing through nowadays…

My family: years ago, I was wondering why in Eid we don’t visit our relatives like most people do… we only visit my grandma… I was so unhappy to have little number of family members,

On mom’s side: I have only an aunt in KSA and an uncle in UAE

On my dad’s side: I have only two uncles who behave the English way, there are no warm feelings and the relation is so cold between us and them

So, I had no one to visit but my grandma… I used to have a Christian friend, she had all her family in the same building… really, I was so jealous of her

After my grandma’s death – may Allah bless her soul – I had no one to visit, I felt like I have no family at all …I always dreamt of having many cousins of my same age to talk to and make friendships and warm relations with…

The only ones I had are my internal family members, dad, mom, brother, and little sister… a year ago, we passed through some sort of hassle, confusion, earthquake if you want to call it exactly… those certain events which I hate the most among my painful memories caused me to choose to get myself into my room… it became my little narrow prison… I chose that prison on myown as everything outside that prison got darker, more disappointing and so hurtful

Now, I feel very furious, I feel humiliated by each look, each word, each action they do…

I feel I don’t deserve so… I wasn’t responsible for what happened those days… I feel like a stranger, I want to break my prison and get away because I’m not bearing anymore to spend my whole day and night in that room…

That is true; I take the responsibility of building the high wall, but not for the reasons caused me to decide on building it!!!

I snatch each chance to go outdoors to do anything, even shopping without having extra money to do so, just to hang around…

My great love: the last time I was talking with Dr.Seyam about him, I yelled by a sentence, I used to tell it online, but this was my first time to tell it loudly in a face-to-face conversation, I may have told it last year, ok… but now everything has changed, I can’t bear it. The situation differs completely and I felt for the first time that I was humiliated as a female, I hurt myself by my words and he hurt me by his actions!!!

I’ve never felt this before neither during this story nor during the previous one!!!

The damn faculty: I feel so bad each time I remember that I’m working with no guarantees at all…

Responsibility from my side, and no guarantees from the other side…

I feel extremely angry when I remember that my decision to be a T.A. was based on the dream that I’ll learn what I need and what I like to learn – while I was, and I still, dislike that career the most- but I decided to complete to have my MSc and PHD but it seems as if there is not a single dream I have in my pocket would come true or would be complete to the end..

Also, I found myself learning out-of-date subjects by static-minded professors with boring course-mates… WOW, what a fascinating combination!!!

I’m not telling that I’m superior to anybody, but I used to have fun and enjoy my life…now, I can’t get to anything I aimed at, so I made some decisions:

1. I won’t attend any premaster silly lectures, no more boredom is needed!!!

2. With a cold, seeming no feelings at all, I declare that MSc is not an essential or primary degree... that implies the fact that I don’t mind giving it up, with all the other not-completed dreams… cause the rule “if you don’t have a point you must accept any alternative” doesn’t appeal to me and isn’t acceptable… at least, I feel I know what I don’t want, so I may one day find something that I want to do…