The thrown away pot

Have you ever been walking under a window while a pot was thrown away and got broken in the street?
Have you ever been watching from your window while you saw a pot thrown away from a window in the opposite building and got broken in the street?
Have you ever thrown a pot away from your window to have it broken in the street?

Well, in the three cases, the event, the action, the object, and the actor are all the same…what differs is the impression.

The one who is throwing a pot from his window is maybe angry, maybe bored, maybe mad, maybe trying to end up a situation and start over…in all cases s/he is not feeling well at the moment s/he is throwing this pot…

The one who was walking while the pot was thrown over his/her head or maybe in front of him to get broken on his way and obstacle him was walking in peace, maybe thinking ...maybe wandering…maybe angry...maybe happy ...but in all cases, this pot would at least grab him out of a silent moment to get him to change his way if not being angry as well.

The one who was watching over while s/he saw the pot being thrown was having a silent boring moment while s/he started on thinking about the causes of this pot to be thrown and whether it had hurt anyone or no… or s/he may watch carelessly and go back to his/her apartment without remembering what had happened.

The only one who would be part of this situation, while not being affected is the traffic… people who are driving their cars won’t be affected and won’t have an impression about it, they would be much more busy about traffic lights and whether they are allowed to pass now or they should wait till it turns into green. But would it make a difference whether the pot was broken over someone’s head or not? Would it make a difference whether the one who threw it was angry or just bored and decided on hurting someone? No of course… it would make no difference.

Why I’m telling all this?

I just need to highlight three points:
1- Different perspectives mean different impressions…different whole situations even they were all rooted back to the same situation. For example, everyone here had a different story and a different side despite having part in the same situation. Although they are rooted back to the same story, each one got a different story derived from it.
2- There is always a missing point in the story. No one can ever reach all the sides of a story, even if s/he was the main actor or the initiator of it. The one who has thrown the pot, for example, will never know who was watching and what was s/he thinking about while watching this pot.
3-Life will never stop even if you have decided to stop. Even if the pot was thrown over your head, you should decide to start over, you should decide to get it all aside and keep on going...because the traffic will never stop, even for a moment. Life forces us on keeping moving and even running, if we decided to resist, no one would wait for us.

At the beginning of this year, I’ve been thrown by many pots and got them all over my head… by the end of the first quarter of this year, I’ve decided on getting to my apartment in the opposite building to watch the thrown pots. By the end of the first half, I’ve decided on that I’ve never been a watcher and I’ve never liked this role, really I’ve never been just a watcher or a reactor. I’ve decided to move on and get back to become an effective part of the traffic, but this time, even if the pot is thrown over my head, I’ll never care. Just get it aside, and keep on moving.

And finally,كن كشجرة الصندل؛ تعطر الفأس الذى يقطعها

Being a territorial

According to a recent situation, I've experienced Cairo -residents' opinion about people who live in small towns. Without talking much; some of them -because i needn't generalize - still have the same opinion, or systemic view about territorials. Whenever they meet someone who is living outside Cairo, they immediately pickup there knowledge, or maybe silly memories about fool territorials and apply it to this new comer. Unfortunately, I hadn't my chance to meet the person who had this mindset, but i was affected directly by his mindset. But thanks to the whole situation, I got down to my laptop, tried to translate my feelings into reasonable thoughts which may guide some rationale people, before making decisions driven mainly by stereotyping and grouping. I think about sharing my opinion of being a territorial.

I think being territorials cannot be judged by where we live or by the amount of services we get in our cities and towns where we live. Yes, we are responsible for not striving to have our share of facilities. But to be territorial, you needn’t be in a small town. You may be a territorial in the capital. You can be a territorial only when you cannot find a way to make a difference in others’ lives. You can be a territorial when you choose not to find a way to enrich your soul and widen your mind. You can be a territorial when you act to circumstances created by others as givens. You can be territorial when you let your perceptions guided by affections and as s further step affecting your behavioral segment of your attitude. Acting alike can block creativity and lessens our learn curves through the way because stereotyping and judging by assumptions can be major two blocks of creative thinking. We should learn how to accept the others and not to have systemic mindsets. This is the definition of being territorial from my viewpoint.

Hint: always keep on searching for reasons and drivers for motivating yourself positively. Don't surrender for your bad feelings or for those who may unawarely break your dreams. Instead, search for a way to show that you are a good person with holy motives, but don't make your search mainly for a way to prove for them that you are a good person. Just do it, and they will be informed implicitly. If you chased proving to them only, you may lose track of your main mission or you may get your excuses to be Machiavellian.

In the long search for making a difference

As a persistent Gemini; I’m always struggling to make a balance between my double –faced personality and establishing a limit so as not to slope into one of them leaving out a chance for enriching my life with lessons and experiences gained from my duality.

As an idealist; I’m always assessing my performance, my motives, and my target in life.

As an extrovert; I’m not afraid of exhibiting my duality, questioning myself and exhibiting my conclusions.

As a proactive person; I work on attacking my fears and strengthening my weak points before they dominate my soul.

Through 18 months of great achievements shortage, and of being unsatisfied of the small achievements if found; I’m always questioning my inner self [feelings, thoughts, and motives] and surroundings [environment, circumstances, and persons’ qualities and characteristics] of this shortage. I’m trying to find the reason of not being able to continue influencing these surroundings strongly and prospering my inner self as a result, as I used to do long ago before these 18 poor –tender months.

I’ve asked myself many questions like:

What type of difference I’m aspiring to make?... difference in surrounding people’s lives, remarkable differences… they should not be a medicine or an exploration, they may be a smile or a unforgettable moment. Being a source of inspiration and having a remark in others’ lives as my close friends used to describe me. That’s what I call a true achievement. No matter the number of people affected, however; the larger the number, the larger the influence, the greater the achievement. But if I have made a difference in life of someone special or remarkable in our community, this is what I call a great achievement. I’m experiencing so with some great friends, they are great by their personalities and by their influence on others.

Have I lost my insistence on making a difference?? … If so, why I’m going through all this hassle and self –conflicts?

Did I fail in communicating my ability of making a difference??... I think I can rely on my past achievements, if they are considered to be achievements, to introduce me. So the question may be modified to be:

have I failed in re-communicating my ability on making a difference at least to people I knew recently?... and the answer would be: really, I don’t know; and I don’t know whether I should continue relying on my past in this situation as well.

Am I frustrated by some experiences when I struggled to make a difference but wasn’t allowed to do so?? … Some sort of…

Shall I surrender for my frustration? … NO, because I should remind myself of past success stories where the moral was gained.

Decision: So I should measure the degree of my frustration and trying to lessen it gradually. I should also remember the saying of “don’t expect people to treat fairly only because you are a good one, it is somewhat like expecting the ox to not attack you only because you are a vegetarian”. Don't regret something you have done oneday, because when you did it you were believing that this is the suitable time to do the suitable thing for the person who deserves. There was logic behind it and you should not deny it. If this person proved that s/he does not deserve what you did for him/her, just quit.

Are surrounding people’s qualities and characteristics influencing my insistence on making a difference? ... Some sort of; for example people’s resistance of change affects my willingness on collaborating. A live demo is in my working environment, and in my experience with my stubborn friend.

Decision: How shall I react (generally in similar situations)? ... I should not surrender; I should try and struggle to change the surrounding circumstances. I should also to cope with my fellows who share the same goal with me.

What I had actually done (in the case of my working environment especially)? … I ignored the problem and tried to invade new communities… this is not a good solution, but it sounds fine with me up till now.

If I tried to re- answer question no. 7 from another perspective: recently, i found that some people cannot recognize me as someone who can make a difference from the first moment... This proved to affect me, although i have to be the only lead of my life.

Decision: How shall I react? ... I should keep my first goal ahead in front of my eye [I should make a difference … I should make a difference… I should make a difference] … never turn back to what they should think, they will think if you gave them what they think of… they should not take the lead of your life, you should be the only leader of it and they may spread the perfume around it. You should be more proactive, not just an active one, and of course neither a reactive nor a passive person. People will not always give you a chance to make a difference. Sometimes they resist enabling you to make a difference. Sometimes, they are not aware of needing such difference you are going to make. Other times they may pretend not needing or deny the difference you will make. A few times are when they are willing to give you the chance to make a difference. So you should not wait for them to enable you to make a difference, you should conquer them and let your passion and effect invade their lives.

2010 wish list

This is my wish list for 2010; hoping that I can realize it:

1. Eliminating anger moments as much as possible: Don’t be angry even deep inside when your anger is not for a logical reason and don’t be angry for anyone who doesn't deserve you being in this mood.
2. Never been hurt by unsupportive friends: just pull them back to their suitable places.
3. Stop permitting some people to abuse your feelings: even they are close; they should not be allowed to do so. Do only for those who deserve. Don’t do hoping that cruel people will be nice oneday; just do when they are believed to be appreciating what will be done.
4. Never permit anyone or any feeling to get me off my original track: unless I want to be off track!!!
5. Concentrate on my main mission.
6. Be stronger while making hard decisions: in these situations; give the control over your heart to your mind.
7. Step over the past; leaving out the pains; taking the good memories and learning the morals.

Duality : part II ( الإزدواجية )

كنت إتكلمت فى الموضوع ده قبل كده ؛ وضع الإزدواجية ...بس بعد إما لاقيت الفكرة فى دماغى بس من عمق ووجهة نظر تانيه ؛ لاقيت إنه محتاج إنى أتكلم تانى فيه بس بصورة أعمق ... اللى خللانى تانى أفكر في الموضوع ده هو موقف حصل معايا إمبارح أما خرجت مع واحده صاحبتى كنت المفروض أخرج معاها من حوالى 3 أسابيع بس كان المشروع مؤجل بسبب الإرهاق الفظيع اللى كنت عايشاه بعد امتحانات ومشروع التمهيدى؛ ف كنت مستنية اليوم ده أوى خصوصا كمان إنها كانت قالتلى إنها تعبانه أوى و محتاجه تتكلم معايا... اليوم كان جميل جدا وأنا كنت مبسوطه أوى بس مش كنت عارفه إنىه لما يخلص اليوم هتهاجمنى كل الأفكار دى بالصورة دى وتنتهى معايا بالحاله السيئه اللى أنا حساها دى ...

السبب اللى بدأ كل اللى حصل ده هو إنه خلال كلامنا كننا بنتكلم عن واحده صاحبتنا وإضطريت خلال الحوار إنى أحلل شخصيتها وسلوكها بس وأنا باتكلم الحقيقة إنى كنت بأحلل شخصيتى أنا وسلوكى أنا وده لأن صاحبتنا دى شبهى أوى فى كتير من الاضطرابات النفسية... المهم إنه التحليل طلع متطابق لدرجة إن عينين صاحبتى اللى بتسمع كانت بتلمع أوى وأنا باتكلم ... أنا إفتكرتها إنها فهمت إنى بأتكلم عن نفسى؛ خصوصا إنها ذكائها عالى جدا بس كان فى حاجه مطمنانى إنها مش هتوصل للإستنتاج ده لأنها متعرفش الجانب من شخصيتى اللى كنت باكلمها عليه... ولما خلّصت كلام عرفت إنه عينيها كانت بتلمع من الإعجاب بالتحليل وده لأنها عارفه إنى معرفش مواقف فعلية توصلنى للتحليل ده فهى إستغربت إنى فهمت صاحبتنا دى بالعمق ده بأقل قدر ممكن من المعلومات وكمان إتأكدت من صحة التحليل ومنطقيته أما لاقيتها غيّرت موقفها فى الموضوع اللى كننا بنتكلم فيه 180 درجة بناءا على كلامى....

الحكاية مش ف ده كله؛ الحكاية فى إنى لما روحت البيت وفكرت فى اللى حصل ده لاقيت إنى فى الفترة الأخيرة بقى بيحصل معايا الموقف ده كتير أوى وعلى فترات متقاربه أوى عكس أما كان بيحصل زمان أما كان الفترة بين كل تحليلين من النوع ده بينهم مجموعة من التحليلات المحايدة اللى مش لازم أكون مريت بتجربة علشان أوصل للفكرة بتاعتها... لكن دلوقتى بين كل تحليلين من النوع ده عشر تحليلات من نفس النوع لدرجة إنى بقيت مُرهَقَة أوى بتحليلاتى دى ؛ لإنى علشان أحلل نفسى ومشاعرى فى فترة معينه علشان أنقلها لحد على إنها تفسير لكلامه هو لازم أستحضر الموقف اللى مريت بيه ومشاعرى خلاله كانت إيه وأعيشه من تانى ... وده مؤلم أوى... مؤلم أوى لدرجة إنى اللى بأكلمه لو مش معايا فى نفس المكان وأنا بأكلمه بأقعد أعيط كأنى عايشه دلوقتى فى نفس الحكاية...وبعد أما ينتهى الحوار يسبنى الشخص اللى كنت بأكلمه وهو مرتاح لأنه لقى حد يفهمه ويفسرله اللى هو حاسس بيه ويقوله ليه... و أتوه أنا فى دوامة من الذكريات ....النهاردة كنت قاعده على جهازى بأشتغل وبأعيط واللى فوقنى هو رسالة موبايل صوتها عالى؛ كنت بأعيط على حاجات كنت فاكراها إنتهت خلاص ومش كنت إديت لنفسى الحق إنى أبكى وقتها علشان كنت هربت منها أيامها... هربت ولبست شخصية تانية أقوى ... ف بقت الذكريات دى تهاجمنى كل فترة بس أتمنى إنه الفترات تتباعد أكتر وأكتر ...

كل ده تمام؛ مش تمام أوى يعنى بس أقصد إنه مش ده المغزى من اللى بأكتبه ده؛ لأن إحساسى بالنجاح فى التحليل ودقته بيكون أقوى من إحساسى بالألم فى الوضع ده؛ اللى خللانى فعلا أكتب المره دى هو إنى لما رجعت البيت امبارح وبدأت أستعرض الشخصيات اللى حصل معايا نفس الموقف وأنا بأتكلم معاهم أوعنهم بدأت أحس بلخبطة كبيرة جدا وشواكيش التفكير المستمر بدأت تدق فى دماغى وده لأنى كنت بحاول ألاقى عامل مشترك يربط الشخصيات دى كلها؛ بس مش لاقيت ولا حتى ردوود أفعال مشتركة بينهم ولا بيئات ولا ظروف ولا أى شئ... ومع ذلك ألاقينى بأركب فى مواقفهم جدا...كان بقالى فترة طويلة بأقول إنى فاهمه نفسى أوى بس دلوقتى إكتشفت إنى فهمتها زياده عن اللزوم لدرجة إنى ماعوتش فاهماها خالص... ومش قادرة أحدد أنا مين فى دوول بالظبط ...معقولة أكون المزيج بتاع كل الشخصيات غير المتجانسه دى ...طيب إزاى؟؟ عمر حد كان طويل قصير تخين رفيع !!!!... معقولة أكون كلهم فى بعض؟!!!

كان فى فترة فى حياتى كنت مقتنعة إنى بأمثل اللون الأسود ...وبعدين مريت بفترة تانية كنت بأمثل فيها اللون الأبيض...وبعد كده جت عليا فترة تالته كنت فيها بأمثل اللون الرمادى ؛ مع قابليه إنى أكون أبيض أو أسود وقت اللزوم وعلى حسب الموقف ... إنما دلوقتى حاسه إنى بأتنطط على مقياس فيه كل الألوان من الأسود مرورا بكل الدرجات لغااية الرمادى وأمر منه لكل باقى الألوان والأمزجه لحد أما أوصل للأبيض... الفكرة دلوقتى مش فى النسبية ؛ الفكرة فى الازدواجيه اللى باحس بيها ... نفس الشئ ممكن أعمله بأكتر من شكل ولون وطريقه وإحساس وهدف...لدرحة إنى ماعوتش عارفه أنا عاوزه إيه وللا بأعمل إيه ليه إزاى... نفس افكرة أو التصرف أو الموقف اللى أكون مؤمنة بيه ومؤيده ليه أرجع بعدها بفتره صغيره وبدون أى تغييرعلى الفكرة دى ألاقى نفسى بأكفر بيها وأندم عليها !!!

هو الموضوع ده مش سيئ بالدرجه اللى هو باين عليها دى ... هو صحيح ليه مشاكل كتير ... بس برده ليه مميزات كتير أوى أولها مثلا إنى عمرى ما أحس بملل من حياتى؛ وده لإنها بتاخد أشكال كتيرة وألوان كتيرة ومش ماشية على رتم واحد... كل فترة بأغير جلدى ؛ بألبس وش جديد وأتكلم لغة جديدة ؛مش بأثبت فى مكان واحد؛ وعلشان كده مش بأتمسك؛ وكتير بأحس إن اللى حواليا مش فاهمنّى؛ وكتير هما بيحسوا بغموضى؛ ببقى زى الكائن اللى مش بسهولة بيموت... ماهوا لو بيموت بسهوله كان زمانه مات من زمان أصلا...

حاجه كمان؛ إنى دايما هأعتبر إنى كويسه كده وصح وحاجات قليلة ومش جذرية اللى محتاجه تتغير فيا...وبالتالى هأحب نفسى أكتر وهأثق فيها وفى قدراتى أكتر وأكتر...آآه فعلا شكلها غريب أوى كلمة (هأعتبر) دى بس فى الحقيقة مقدرش أقول غيرها لأنى فعلا هأعتبر وده علشان عمرى ما هاكون متأكدة؛ بس هأضطر أعمل نفسى متأكده وده علشان لو فرضت غير كده هأحط نفسى فى موقف محرج أوى مع نفسى؛لأنى مش هأعرف أحط إيدى على الغلط فين بالظبط وده هيضايقنى أكتر من فكرة وجود الغلط نفسه ومش هأبقى عارفه أمسك الغلط ده وأحدد الشخصية اللى محتاجه تتقوّم فيها جوانب وأصلّحها... عموما الميزة الكبيرة برده للموضوع ده هو إنى ببقى عامله زى الروح الواحده اللى بتتنقل بين أجساد مختلفة وأشكال متباينة وتاخد من جسد فيهم قوته لحد أما يبدأ يضعف ويقع وساعتها تطلع الروح دى منه وتدخل فى واحد تانى غالبا بيكون النقيض بتاعه تماما وتسيب الجسد اللى كانت فيه لحد أما يستعيد إتزانه وطاقته وساعتها ياترجعله يامش ترجعله .. مش مشكلة وقتها ...

المشكله بقى فى الوقت ده بتكون فى إنه النقيض ده ممكن يحاول ينتقم ويقضى على الجوانب كانت فى الشخصية الأولى واللى أدت إلى ضعفها .. مع إنه لو النقيض ده إستنى؛ هيلاقى إنه الشخصية الأولى مش هتموت؛ دى هتستعيد قوتها تانى...

كمان ممكن أواجه مشكله إنه مع الدورة الزمنية وفى خلال فترة قريبه أو بعيده أقابل شخصيتين مشتركين فى نقطة ضعف واحده؛ دى بتبقى كارثه؛ لإن ده ممكن يأثر فى قوة الروح نفسها؛ زى بالظبط اللى حصل معايا أما كررت نفس الغلطة بالظبط خلال 3 سنين؛ مع إن الزمان والمكان والظروف والعوامل والشخصيات مختلفه ... بس نفس الغلطه إتكررت ومش عرفت أمسك موضع الغلط فين ... ده اللى أنا باتكلم عنه بقى....

كمان مرحلة الألم اللى باحس بيه فى كل مرة بتبقى الروح دى بتتنقل من جسد للتانى ومن شخصية للتانية وكمان بيسبقه الألم اللى أصلا بيكون دافع للإنتقال... حاسه إنى بيتراكم عليا جبل من الأحزان اللى بتتربص بيا ومستنية أهدى شوية وهتهاجمنى بشده وساعتها هأحتاج شخصية أجمد وأجمد من كل الشخصيات اللى ركبتها ومثّلتها قبل كده علشان تنقذنى من الهجوم ده ... بس ربنا يسهل ... معلش دايما بيقولوا " تألم حتى تتعلّم " وأنا مؤمنة إنى طوول ما أنا عايشه هأفضل كل يوم أتعلّم...

الفكرة فى إنى خايفة جدا من التسارع المخيف فى تطور الأحداث وبالتالى المتناقضات وده لإنى مش قادرة أمنع نفسى من ملاحظة ومراقبة سلوكياتى وطبعا كالعاده الاستنتاج ...والموضوع ده مُرهِق ومُتعِب جدا لحد مخه بيشتغل 25 ساعة فى اليوم زيى ... حاسه إنه تروس التفكير عندى بدأت تسخن وقريب هتلف على نفسها فى عكس إتجاهاتها الأصلية ...بس مش أقدر أقول غير ربنا يستر!!!

عموما أنا برده لسه عند موقفى اللى قلته المرة اللى فاتت؛ إنه برغم كل التناقضات والآلام ؛ بس أنا مستمتعه بالإزدواجية دى جدا وإلى أبعد مدى ممكن ;)

Question of all eras

Last week I’d attended a nice wedding of one of my colleagues…actually I’ve tried to blog about it before, but I delayed this entry though I was so afraid to lose the whole idea as what happened many times before because I believe that the first shot is always the best shot…but this time, the delay was for my benefit… the idea now is more complete in my mind and I guess today is the suitable time to write about it…

I’m not going to go on the details of the wedding, but I prefer to pass by in a glance to get directly into the moral of this entry… but I won’t deny that in spite of being there without my gang- the TopGirlsGroup gang, actually according to the very latest updates; they absolutely deserve the title gang: D- , and in spite of the cycle of sorrows, conflicts, fears and sadness which is getting narrower day by day, that wedding amazingly succeeded on getting me out of the mood, I enjoyed my time there though I hadn’t spent more than 2 hours, and I was very excited… though I began nowadays to feel that I’m getting older when I attend weddings despite being only 22 years old… this feeling is neither caused by the fact that I’m not engaged nor it is caused by the fact that I’m totally a loser at the emotional side… rather it is caused by the feeling that girls of my age are going to take over the responsibilities of the adults… I’d talk about this feeling in a greater detail soon…

The fact that triggered my thoughts that night was the groom’s age – bypassing his appearance, though for me it is an important measurement, but I believe in the famous saying: " لولا إختلاف الأذواق لبارت السلع "

I’m nearly to swear that the groom is in his 40s, though she has lied to me telling that he is about 27, while her friends in the wedding said that he is 32 years old, but I can’t deny what I had seen with my eyes!!

Let’s go out of his hassle to the important part here, the immense number of thoughts and questions flew through my mind that night…

bypassing the economical factors (from her side, though it is possible) what would be the motives for any girl to agree upon such marriage proposal???

She is only a 22 virgin whom hadn’t been married before… so her possibilities aren’t so few….so discard this possible reason….

is it right that only old men are the only ones now whom are capable earning a living and leading a family toward the future?? Ok supposing this is right, there is something to regard here… she hadn’t get enough share of life experiences to get to this mind which needs too much courage of a girl to accept…

can it be love? Sorry but this is a very disgusting idea for me to consider…to think about a crippled love between a 22- years old girl and a 40- years old man, it shall be some sort of parental love!!!

I know that many researches emphasized that a woman’s mind gets mature more earlier than a man’s mind by 2-3 years… so many people consider this a reasonable view to consider an engagement model of a man who is elder than the woman by 2-3 years would be a successful model from the view of decision making and leadership.. Though this is not always the case, we may find many successful models where both the man and the woman are of the same age… More, there are some models where the man is so brilliant than his woman though he is younger than her…so there is no rule concerning relations…

but to have a time distance of more than 18 years, what kind of sick engagement is this??

Is it the man who is getting more selfish day-by-day??

Mom has a model which I see it as unjust in some of its dimensions… she always keeps on telling me that:

• Men whom are about 25-28 years prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 20-23 years
• Men whom are about 29-35 years prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 24-26 years
• Men whom are about (35-…) years prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 26-30 years
• Men whom are about (35-…) years, and divorced or are widowers prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 30-35 years

This is what I call “the greedy search model” …

who had delegated those unfair rights to men? The oldest can propose simply to the youngest… unless he is in love with one of his age, he can dare easily to go and ask her to marry him…

Who had denied a girl in the middle of the 30s of her age to marry to someone of her age??

Oh, I’d forgotten that we are reactors, no more…

I’d forgotten that we have stated in the minds of our community that the girl who is in her 20s is doing nothing but waiting for the sought knight to come and set her free, and the girl in her 30s and hadn’t married yet has nothing to do in her life and she’d better lock her room door and not to show up to avoid the tough treatment and the cruel looks of the surrounding community…

We have stated this idiocy in the community’s mind and we are now suffering from the consequences and trying to change those minds

It is true and I completely agree upon the idea of the woman’s refined role in the construction of the civilized society which implies that her life as a woman would have preference over her professional life where she can achieve her ambition … her life as a woman begins when she finds her partner, she begins to take over her main tasks for which she was basically created… her two lives are parallel, but if there would be a conflict, she would have to choose which part she would sacrifice totally or partially in favor of the other life…. In most cases, she’d sacrifice her professional life because most women see that she can be more productive in her life as a woman, many persons would be affected by her love and her donations…

While we see a wide party of men view marriage as a secondary step, or to be more precise, they view marriage as a complementary part in life without which life would go… they don’t view it as the beginning of responsible life because many of them would have been started her responsible life once they begun to earn their livings on their own…

Some of them view marriage as the beginning of the nowhere to escape disturbance and hassle of life…. It is the beginning of giving up the self-centered life to delegate some authorities to some other people to access his classified areas and sometimes to tire him with more troubles…

It is a natural idea which I don’t resist because it embodies the magnificent natural ability of a female to give…

However and after all, the community insists on depriving itself of the continuous giving ability of a wide majority of it using this unfair ages-model!!

Duality

Last week was full of many extra-contradicted feelings, moods and situations… I, as usual, accept and expect these contradictions and thanks Allah I deal with gracefully… this duality is a distinguishing characteristic of the Gemini persons... I’ve realized that my friends, whom are reacting to my duality openly, always find my actions and justifications are so clear, always give me excuses… on the other side, my friends whom don’t have a projection of duality, and how shall it affect someone reactions, are always complaining that I’m hiding something that I don’t want to talk about and that I’m the mysterious one whom can’t be reacted to easily…

The past concept was so clear in my actions and reactions, and others’ reactions last week… in the coming few points I’ll expose my evidences on this in a glance:

• It began with this comment from Rana, a friend in my group the lovely TopGirlsGroup, who had visited me last week with Marwa, Heba and Omnyia: “ how do you pretend that you are in you black mood, which prevents you from preparing for our coming Dish-Party… while I find you laughing loudly that much and telling jokes… I can see that you are so nice today, to the extent that I may declare that you are passing through very calm peaceful days… are you trying to sneak with us?? Just please admit it, Ghada…and even-if you have something that bothers you, you won’t ever have anything in your life much worse than what I’m facing nowadays... and you see me in all celebrations and occasions … and I can tell that you are just sneaking, no more”… Omnyia gestured to show that she agreed…
• I don’t know actually why I let my anger to blow up that much while talking about that topic, although it was a very nice day from the beginning to the extent that I was so eager to finish all my work as a T.A. for this year represented in marking all the system analysis papers in only that day, and I did it.. But at night, when this topic was mentioned, I got extremely angry, although nothing was new and nearly nothing was mentioned!!!...
  I went back in my darkest mood, although I’d just left it for only a day!!!...
• My birthday, that lovely day which had begun from 12:00 am Sunday to 12:00 am Monday…Really this day, it was a memorable day… all the people surrounding me succeeded in making that day magnificent… I found out how much I’m blessed with the people I know, really I mean each word in this… - add to this the comment Dr.Seyam said yesterday when I’d shown him the people I’m going to send a message on Facebook asking for help with a problem I’m facing... he said:”Ghada, really you have a very nice collection of people around you.. Really nice friends”… add to them yourself my friend ;) -

Well, the past paragraph was entirely a side-note in this point... what I wanted to mention indeed in this point is the following situation:

He called me on the morning and I couldn’t make it, because I was asleep… I intended to call him back later, but he called me again around 6:00 pm, I wondered about the reason for the call, but I found him for the first time since we knew each other – 3 years ago- remembering my birthday and calling to wish me a happy year… I was so happy with this call really, because I didn’t expect it from this friend… and a minute after, I got also that he called me to talk, because he always tells me that he feels comfortable after talking with an understanding friend like me – this is a compliment I’m very proud of, because he isn’t the person that can easily praise someone-… well, if he only was calling to say happy birthday to me, I’d be very happy... But if he was calling to talk with me, I’d be above the sky… What-if he was calling to do both?!!! …

The duality here exists in my reactions to this relation, I feel like I’m doing my best thanks Allah, and he is a best friend indeed... but what I feel nowadays is like a sea with calm waves, in other words, I hate the static nature this relation had taken recently… only one side is talking and one side is listening, and we may exchange roles in the second turn… I hate calm waves, and this relation wasn’t so in the past, we were interacting much more dynamically, though we –both -are much more rational nowadays… I don’t mean that I need troubles or I like and search for them, but I mean that I hate static relations and static calls, or static meetings which lack to something new or something exciting even in the way of handling conversations… static relations make me feel things faded, and I begin to predict the fast end of the whole matter, though this is not the case here for this relation.. I feel it would live long Inshaa Allah…

A side-note that I shall mention here, just for documentation purposes:

in this call, he kept on asking me whether I have new things or new upcoming events, and I kept on telling him that life is so boring nowadays and nothing new… then he said this statement literally: ” isn’t there a guy who is proposing to you nowadays??”.. I told him:”No”… he said:”are you sure??”... I said:” yes, believe me, there isn’t”… and a sequence of related questions…

As most girls, I couldn’t prevent myself from asking myself the “what-if question”… it was a “what-if” from his side, not mine… specially that I feel nowadays that he is trying to regain the relation shape as it was 3 years ago, and he is trying to get closer as he was before…

but as Ghada, in those situations, I tend more to find many excuses, especially that I know him well, I know how much he is caring and curious as well, I know that he may ask me this question expecting that I’d deal with it the right way… add to this that I know all his previous stories…

• “Oh, my friend… you would always appear in Love, even-if you may not be actually in Love… you tend to go with all your senses in each story, each song as If you were a part of it” …said be Marwa, a year ago….
  I was already in love when she said this quote, I thought that this was really the reason for the impression she had, so if I’m not in love, I may be unable to go deeply with my soul in any story I hear from a friend… I may be unable to read lovers’ eye-signs, and I may be unable to find excuses for their actions and cases… this was my theorem about myself
  Last week I saw a film that – thanks Allah- refuted my theorem about myself… this film was entitled “P.S. I Love you”… without going on its details, I shall say that I was so content to feel that I was so affected and impressed by its story although I’m not in love nowadays…
  Another proof on my wrong theorem is that I had a conversation during which I felt as if words are like a frozen hammer, hitting strongly my mind, in a very hot day to the extent that made me smell the stench of my grilled mind...Teshsshshshhh!!!
• Actually I don’t know what I want exactly, I got so angry – though it was so deeply buried anger- when I had heard what contradicted the words I’d heard before, though I knew those the words I heard before were to some extent spelled out to sympathy me, but they to a great extent satisfied my ego, to the extent that I expected them again… I don’t know why my black-sided personality – which I don’t feel I can conform to- tends to appear strongly on the surface nowadays… it may be a result of this huge amount of frustration that my dreamy-sided or white-sided personality brought me… but it mustn’t be an excuse for not keeping a tight rein on my straying horse…

Final note: I enjoy my duality to the extreme… I always feel that it is the blessing which makes my life better and lifts up my days from the well of boredom, which I may fall into as a result of the unified sides of actions and moods… this gives me the ability to surf all kinds of waves, put on all styles, deal with all types, penetrating all minds…

The Rabbit & The Turtle

My friends used to tell me about my continual intension to analyze all relations and patterns, all personalities and behaviors … even, this is not at all times a blessing, because it may sometimes imposes exaggeration in mental power consuming and deep thinking which may lead to be sometimes spinning or stuck in an infinite cycle of thoughts … but it is my personality style which I like whatever side-effects coz I believe that the pros of this style are much more than the cons…

I'm nowadays trying to characterize what led many relations to be in ruins… it is not only about love, it is also about friendship… I believe that true relations can't be ruined easily and true friends can't forget or leave easily… but I tended to think about it not only to know that led me to lose, but also to know what I shall do not to lose…

I began to cluster my relations... I found out that there are some relations I'm in, where I totally feel like I'm abused!! and when I tried to figure out the reasons for being so, I found that I'm totally responsible for it… you are showing that you are always welling to give & give & give … and you aren't demanding or showing that you want something in return … actually, you don’t want something in return… but at a certain moment in your life, you may get so restless, so disturbed, so furious even with yourself, actually I'm living in this era nowadays… at that moment you turn around expecting to find those ones whom you used to be around them whenever they need or they don't need you to be so… you find them so miser in their feelings and actions which are more important than words… but even words don’t come easily…

You are always ending your conversations with "you are welcome anytime", while you may find those people end their conversations with you with "sorry, I've to go now, I'm so busy doing something that I'm going to tell you about soon"… you feel it is ok in normal cases to have your conversations ended that way, you may find many excuses if you wanna so… but in the fall time, you feel like you are really abused…you may regret dedicating you feelings, your effort, your time to those whom won't appreciate it or even feel it …

While sometimes you feel like a "thank you" is a great blessing of life, and a smile is a treasure… in fall times you feel like you are a turtle, that is what I'm feeling now…

The turtle decided on racing the rabbit … the turtle began passively and the rabbit knew that she had begun…. He took some rest in the shadow of the tree till she reached the middle of the road, he began to move, he reached the point where she was, and he decided to take another break in the shadow of the tree and before she reached the end point of the race by 2 meters, he began to move again… and suddenly he reached the end and became the winner…

The rabbit hadn't exerted as much effort as the turtle … I feel like a turtle in many of my relationships… I always have a rabbit which lands with its parachute into my relations as it wasn't in the race with me from the beginning …

I'm a turtle in neither my actions nor my efforts … but I'm a turtle in the results that the relationship ends with…

I believe that characterizing the problem I feel inside is the first step to find a way for dealing with it; even this solution was only to bypass it…

While I'm having all those thoughts revolving inside, I feel so guilty for those people whom I represent the receiver for their blessings… I have some people whom I think I don’t do for them as much as they do for me; some of them assured me that "while you are taking you are giving implicitly"... but I feel I must do more for them, and I'd work on finding ways to please them more and to payback their favors… and till I reach this I must say "thanks my friends, you gave me the pleasure of life and you aided me a lot… I wish I could be a good friend for you, now and forever… may Allah bless you my friends"

A drunk in the equilibrium state

Yesterday, ideas flow into my mind suddenly, after 10 days of being drunk with nothing to think about or at least after 10 days of avoiding thinking … suddenly, I began to think about my state and my soul…

I’ve declared previously that I’d wear my overseeing glasses and try to imagine myself two months from the day I became certain about it and act accordingly until I reach the point I’m aspiring to reach… acting accordingly would imply that I’d act as if nothing had happened, I’d act as if I’m not hurt, I’d do my best to please myself and I’d let nothing annoys me… and I guess till now I’m acting well… I don’t miss a chance when I shall hang out with my friends, I spend my time well in the faculty with my colleagues, I go home only to sleep and when it is 8:00 am each day, I start my day searching for relevation… I tried hard not to spend any moment alone or any moment silent so as not to think about my story, till I recover and release my soul completely…

The point that I missed during the last 10 days and I hadn’t used my overseeing glasses for analyzing it is that I maybe going the wrong way to find relevation… during the last 10 days, I found myself talking to persons I couldn’t imagine that I’d talk to or laugh to one day !!!... I found myself walking with a guy of those whom I used to criticize the way he deals with girls and I know well that he is not pure inside… I heard the quote “if you are staying, I’d stay... if you are leaving, I shall leave” ... Hey pal, are we the enemies of yesterday and the friends of tomorrow… and for the ridicule, this quote was in front of the sights of the one whom I refused three weeks ago… what the hell I’m doing with myself !!!... my overseeing glasses hadn’t told me that after two months from now, I may regret what I’m doing now .. And more, there maybe no way back…

There are many observations triggered those thoughts:

1-The quote I heard and the action I did after this quote proved that I’m not in my equilibrium state and I won’t reach it soon…

2-The question I asked my friend Marwa:” the problem of having a large community is despite you may know them well, and know how each one of them shall think, how can you determine what to say to whom, and how to determine the intensions of the audience??” … this question drew my attention to the fact that I’m talking so much

3-Having long discussions with the new T.As, we are all in the same package, them and me… but I remember that 10 days ago, I hardly knew their appearance!!!

I feel like a drunk wandering in the rain with no predefined destination, harming himself, feeling no pain, waking in the morning to find himself injured… I should put an end to this way, so as not to harm myself… I should lessen the time I spend in the faculty, but what I’m suffering from is that I may find no other place to go to, and I can’t scream, I avoid crying and also I’m prevented from going to my mom and cry on her shoulder…. So, where to run???

There are also some notes I observed about myself during this period:

1-I feel I’m empty inside, unfortunately I’m left with many holes and gaps inside, and I’m searching for the cure or for fulfilling those holes… but will I succeed??

2-I became so calm and nothing could recently blow up my anger or make me nervous... I can’t determine whether it would be my personality style for the coming era or it is just a temporarily state until I get all my feelings back and wake up from the dream, and sometimes I may call it the nightmare, I lived in for the whole of the last 16 months…

3-I found that I could manage it the right way with them both, thanks Allah…

4-Dr.Seyam was right about what he was aiming at when he asked me about the real reason for enjoying my time on the facebook… the proof is that I found myself nowadays not interested anymore in surfing the so called facebook!!!

5-I avoid listening to Elissa’s album so as not burst into tears… but really I miss this album so much… she spelled out most of my feelings in this magnificent album… the same fear prevented me also from reading Nizar’s writings for a while until the wound stops bleeding…

I hope I continue my way in helping myself to recover and overcome quickly with no mentioned loss… I hope I can manage it the right way with no regression…

Cruelty

The two months I’ve been working came unfortunately in the same time while I’m experiencing great feelings’ confusion, soul emptiness and mixture of undefined feelings

I know well that in the beginning of any era you may face some feelings confusion, it is acceptable to me… but this came unfortunately synchronized with confusions in many areas in my life, which made me so unstable

I swear I’m not that one who is talking now!!!...I’m not that cruel one…but, I needed badly to document that conversation for two reasons:

1-I’m sure I’ll regret each word I’ve said here, so I want to face myself with those words to learn from the situation

2-I’m passing through that feelings’ confusion since a month, and I’m always not able to figure out or express what I actually feel … this conversation was my first time when I’m able to express those feelings more clear than anytime else during this era … that much of expression isn’t satisfying for me, and isn’t healing … but it was the most till that time while I’m writing this

This conversation took place between me and Dr.Seyam,

Dr.Seyam: have you seen Dr.Mervat’s entry entitled “I’m done”?

Me: yes, she was afraid of being unfair, though I think it was her right to take an action against them to preserve her rights… I dislike the students, and I’ve no intention to sacrifice any of my rights for them…

Dr.Seyam: how shall you be able to give?

Me: who said I have the desire to give?… haven’t you read my latest blog entry? I’m not going to sacrifice so as not to regret at the end … I found that nothing can make a difference …

Dr.Seyam: did you really mean so?

Me: no… yes… well, I don’t know actually… I’m so confused … look, the situation imposes a certain action to be taken

Dr.Seyam: look, I’m not going to discuss this matter now, but what I want to tell you is that when you don’t have the desire to give… you won’t take anything in return…and if you dislike the students and teaching then you won’t succeed and you won’t be able to satisfy yourself

Me: I swear I don’t know what exactly I want … but in the passing three hard examination days, I got annoyed so much… and I made up my mind to be so, I found that I can have no feelings toward any student… no feelings toward their failure or their success… no feelings toward their degrees.. no matter to do anything to defend myself… for example, the students whom were declared to deceive in the DS examination and Haitham insisted on substituting a mark out of their total, I did so with no feelings at all… I did so only to defend him and get our right back… and once he came back and he was hesitated about whether it was right or wrong to do so, I was so offensive against the students and I insisted on that they are mistaken not us

I don’t have the desire to put myself in their shoes… I don’t know why I turned to be that cruel one in a week…exactly a week!!!

Dr.Seyam: I don’t like you saying this, and I feel you aren’t so good while you are talking now, but please consider that you are wrong…

Me: really I’m so confused right now and I’m not able to state a strategy to tell you, but I feel that isn’t me who is talking.. I’m not that cruel one…

But also, I feel I’m comforted that way…. OOOH, really I don’t know and I’m not able even to interpret my words and feelings nowadays…

Dr.Seyam: ok, take your time, but don’t make a decision or take any action now … you haven’t yet reached your second maturity level

Me: do you think I’m really that cruel or it is a matter of time?

Dr.Seyam: it is a matter of time, and then you would reach your third maturity level and rest there for some time, but at the beginning of the next year we will see what will be there

Me: I always wonder why I expected nice treatment and help from the T.As while I’m not willing to help students… I always suppose that the good students would have special treatment from me, but I find myself treat them the same as the others … and I always find justifications for all what I’m doing

Dr.Seyam: what shall I feel when you tell me that you are expecting me to leave at anytime for any reason? What shall I feel when I find you doubting my friendship?

Me: unsafe

Dr.Seyam: is it a nice feeling to have?

Me: worst

Dr.Seyam: how can I trust you while you trust neither me nor yourself?

Me: ok, I don’t trust students… I always suppose that they are coming to lie to me or to deceive me, so I always don’t give myself the chance to believe them so I can’t help them

Dr.Seyam: well, it is breakable [from your side], due to something went wrong, even if misunderstanding occur

Me: yes, I’ve told you that I feel I’m so confused, all my feelings are conflicting, and I can’t disjoin them from each other.. And I can’t figure out the core feeling which influenced all the other feelings…

I’ve many feelings … the core of them is undefined… the command is initiated by that feeling and the action is applied to all the problems with different interface for that action

I don’t know whether the main problem is the students and their unrespectable actions, or it is all because of heart wounds or it is caused mainly by my problems with my family… all what I feel now is that I can’t formulate what actually annoys me... I found the justification to take any action to relieve my soul while taking the action … I feel I’m not governed nowadays by any principle, any value, any rule, and even I feel lost governing ethics

Dr.Seyam: that is why I began with my question trying to remind you of principles, values, rules and ethics… I think you don’t have someone to trust nowadays, so sometimes I see you falling…that’s why sometimes I turn to say silly words, maybe rude words also... just to remind you of who you are!!!

Me: I really meant the words “I don’t know whether I’m bleeding or I have and empty soul”... Maybe the mixture of both cases…

Dr.Seyam: just remember that you are on earth to do a certain task, you must do it

Me: to do that task I must feel that I’m alive at first, while I don’t feel so... or maybe I don’t feel the desire to feel so

Dr.Seyam: it is not the fault of anyone, and no one would be affected by your failure but you

Me: my problems are getting worse by the days… also the fact that there are no guarantees, makes me fall and lose my stress on any idea or any plan… I really have no plans, can you believe it!!!

Dr.Seyam: one can live without plans, but can’t live without dreams

Me: I used to have many dreams, but now I have a single hard-to-reach dream which I reserve all my efforts and resources for…I feel I'm dedicated for that dream... I swear now I don’t know why I’m a T.A… I used to think of the master degree and the PHD as they are a must for me… now I don’t mind give them all up easily… I don’t know the answer of whether I need the master degree or not… whether I’m happy with my job or not… I’m so confused…

My first day !!!

Though, I’ve been working for two months, but this day seemed to be my first day as a T.A… it was my first day to mark sheets and papers or attend an exam as a T.A… and what a tough day it was!!

The only nice thing is that I was making notes which I feel I may benefit from them in the future; here I’m going to list them:

1-I want to learn the technique of sneaking depending on the higher level’s ignorance … how to benefit from this … I told Dr.Seyam in the morning once I saw him :” I want to consult someone about this concept ;) really I want to learn this “

2-Why I dealt with Fatma that way?.. I asked myself that Q. many times during the day … why I was arrogant like that with her, though she is so kind, so polite … I mustn’t repeat that way again… with her or with anyone else … and she doesn’t deserve to be dealt such way , especially that she is not as the other … so they mustn’t be in the same package

3-Everyday, I feel how much we were so disturbing while we were students … the student has the responsibility for only him/herself... while the instructor, or the T.A has the responsibility for the whole class … and what a headache

4-I feel I’ve no willing to cooperate anymore with anyone... whether that one is a student, T.A, colleague or anything else … I’m not willing to share

5-My mistrust of the others grows incredibly everyday … I feel I’m not able to trust anyone anymore… this feeling is annoying me in a way increasing each day… I believe that the others always have another meaning and another feeling hidden behind their words and their sights and I must explore those hidden patterns… especially the students, I always expect they are liars till they prove the opposite

6-I don’t know how I treated with that cold face and friendly smile with her!!! … I was so surprised when she approached me and I hoped too much that she isn’t coming to talk to me… because this is the latest one ever I may hope to have a conversation with, even a formal one…my heart was beating strongly, and I tried to control all my nerves to be so cold … when I was marking the papers while her section was in, I left all the work to find myself only noticing her!!!... I hope I won’t be in the situation again to talk with her till she is graduated

7-After all, Haitham’s site was deployed and students got their examination in Lab.4, Thanks Allah Haitham was able to manage all that, I was happy for two reasons actually:

•A friend – Haitham – is happy and this may assure him deeply, really I’m so comforted accordingly and I hope this heightens his spirit... I know it maybe not enough for him, but I hope it is ok at least for nowadays…

•A new trend became true, and may lead to more subsequent new trends, I’m excited

8-I still and I will always admit that Dr.Seyam and Haitham are my teachers and before they are my friends … I only meant what I said literally:” If you had been marking all the papers and all those silly sheets … you may have the headache and won’t be able to go through any philosophical discussion” … I know that they had been through much more exhausting days before, so what I’m saying!!!

9-I was so happy when they insisted on consolidating my position when we were in Dr.Alaa’s office … I was so happy, not of the apparent situation but I was happy with their supporting feelings… Thanks a lot my dear friends…

10-I don’t believe anymore in the saying:” when you do something today, you may get the return tomorrow” … as my black experience imposed on me to believe in the fact that there may be no return at all … when you love someone to the deepest point in your heart and soul, you may get no return … when you give a lot, you may face ingratitude from the all ( don’t remind me with my colleagues of the same year, especially my group !!!) … so, work is the most likely domain of ingratitude.. but ingratitude here is covered with the word:” duty” … even when “you need to be appreciated from the others, even if you know you are the best”… but when you ask for some respect you may have the others looking at you in a suspicious way telling you that you are the most self-concerned person ever … and now I’m in a mood to tell that I don’t mind not having any return at all, coz simply I won’t give or exert any extra-effort from the beginning …

11-I remembered when I went home when you both examined me in the DB practical exam in the 3rd year,1st term … I remembered also that I formed a complex SQL query and I was happy of this … also I remembered that my sheet was one of the fastest sheets to be marked ;)

12-Back to my empty soul … actually I can’t determine whether my heart is bleeding or I'm suffering from my empty soul or my confused, unled mind …but I’m sure that I’m not stable at all nowadays .. even I can’t concentrate on or remember anything unfortunately

13-My favourite piece of song today is:

" لكن محاسبتكيش .. وقولتلك مفيش ... كأنك يا حبيبتى أمرك ميهمنيش !! "

Flexibility

The question I’m asking myself nowadays “Do I lack flexibility?!!!!”….

Mom always describes me as being inflexible… so focused on one matter and had no way but my way… I know that this description maybe applied on many other psychological definitions like selfishness, self-centering, being narrow- minded … but she meant being inflexible…

What I’ve regarded about myself nowadays is that she maybe right about that but if she took another meaning for flexibility… the meaning I’m aiming at is to be unable to adapt to new circumstances and changes in personalities’ behaviors

Let’s have some examples on that:

·Mom herself, to a great extent, she ‘d changed her view of life and her way in dealing with all the surrounding people in the family and of course I’m one of the affected ones by this versatility… what is annoying me is that now I can’t adapt to her changes. I can’t adapt to the fact that I may ask anyone on the earth for advice except for her, because If I asked her, she wouldn’t be willing to help me …really I tried this many times and I had the same results at the end. It not her to be blamed for the tremendously increasing distance between us. I have my part in that also, but she had about 75% of the responsibility for how the relation between us turned to be…

Now, why can’t I adapt??...although I feel I can’t get back to our previous status because I know that whatever I do it won’t appeal to mom, but also I find myself can’t adapt to her change

· The one whom I love, I was shocked by his sudden change… he has changed his way by 180 degrees, actually I don’t know what went wrong with him or what I did wrong… I guess my only mistake was to love him... though he is a great man to be loved, but we seem to be not going to make it right together one day… so I must force myself to give up that dream and trying to make another dream comes true… the other dream maybe about a great friendship with him… it is a difficult change, very difficult to view the same situation from two different aspects, and act accordingly, and I’m the one who must adapt to the other viewpoint… not him, and please it is not the right time to ask (why!!!!) … but this is another situation which I can’t adapt to...

The absolute change in his behavior shocked me actually, as this change contrasts with the triggers that arose that love inside me… [Safety]

But after his change, I’m now convinced that we may find – together – another methodology to use while dealing with each other… maybe this would be the first action we take together from a long time ago, with a great comprehension – from my side- that changing my way dealing with him would be the right choice…

But will I adapt easily to my new decision or I may choose to run away and escape from my feelings which chase and hit me even in my dreams!!!

I want to mention here, just for documentation, that for a month I had the same nightmare, where horses are chasing me and hitting me badly while I’m crossing the road to the other side, when I revised a website Dr.Mervat gave to me I found that horses are indicators of emotions we are trying to get rid of and escape…