What is going on !!!

Really I don't know what is going on with my life …before I mentioned that I'm realizing some changes or problems that are going to rise into certain areas in my personality…but now I have proofs on this …actually, life events are facing me rapidly, in a manner I can't keep up with, even I can't adapt or develop my attitude to adapt with…I used to think of myself to have all the control nodes of the matters or I pretended to be so…NOW, even pretension I can't guarantee …I used to act and the others react…NOW, I think I act without awareness of what I'm doing, I think of the matter after acting not like before when I used to think then act and drive the others to react…NOW, I'm trying to just react hoping to achieve the minimal performance ,hoping that everything would be ok and wishing that one day I may get back to my previous performance or to my previous status…I used to be part of the news or even to make the event and organize it…NOW, I'm waiting for the news, hoping that the coming won't be worse and hoping that I may react well…really I'm wondering, what is going on !!!

Here I may mention the proofs of what I'm saying:

• A situation I'm facing nowadays with one of the T.A.s in the faculty… he is trying to play with me, hoping to achieve some appreciation or even my regard…but unfortunately he may haven't realize yet that he is one of those who I haven't and I won't consider at all except when I wanna have fun…I mean I consider him only when I wanna play at to have some fun not to play with…so, if he is trying to be a trouble in my life ...I'm saying sorry, even you are not capable of being so… sorry but I'm so busy ,not in the mood and I don't wanna have fun now… actually ,if you know that I've spent 5 minutes thinking of you and how to characterize my feelings concerning this issue to write this paragraph, I think you may consider it your luck day….
• Well, actually this situation is what triggered me to write this entry…here I realized really that I'm going into troubles with myself… it is ok if I'm the only one who is affected by my attitude…but when you begin to hurt the others…the close ones…you must have a pause with yourself and think of how to handle this… I couldn't believe I've turned to be that cruel one who doesn't notice her words… I've hurt one of my close friends… even while knowing that he is very overloaded and confused and while knowing that he will consider my words seriously, I haven't watched my words…and I was very aggressive and cruel with him … though, I was supposed to choose my words considering his feelings and nerves but for the first time I didn't care at all!!!... I don't know I think this is the first time I behave like this with him – he hasn't told me before that I hurt him – … now I feel guilt and I don't know how to fix the situation….what a pity!!!!
• Back to the enemy I've talked about in a previous post, after more thinking of the situation, I realized that I mustn't even be grateful to him …yes, and this won't be some sort of ingratitude at all …as you mustn't be grateful to someone who did something illegal, even if he did so to help you…it is not acceptable at all …besides, I still can't trust his intentions of this help… so if I think of the matter in two ways:

1. If I remain grateful to that enemy, I'd lose Ghada herself, actually I'd be a mean, besides he did something illegal so he doesn't deserve gratitude at all
2. If I acted meanly, I may be making a risk, but I'd preserve Ghada…

in both situations ,I'm a loser, but the second actually appeals to me and gives me better chances…besides, I always can play as a mean so what is new now?...

• The last situation I wanna mention here is about one friend who was considered to be my close friend last year, I knew her 6 years ago when we were in the secondary school…last year we were very close, though she has the same problem I face with my group – she doesn't understand me – but she was the nearest ….now I found that we stand 180 degrees apart… the gap is getting wider and deeper… and really now I've no sense or mood or intention on fixing the situation ..or you may say that I found that I don't want to do anything concerning this topic because now I can't bear what I was bearing before and I think the same for her –due to certain situations and new circumstances such as her engagement, I think she may have the same attitude as me- … so I prefer not to do anything or even to talk about the matter, leaving the days to say the final word in this whole situation…hoping that what will be going on is the best for both of us....

Final quote: concerning all those situations, I believe that Allah knows what is better for us more than we do…even if we pretend to know what suites us the most, we soon may realize that we were mistaken…

personality recognition part I-I : life between abstract and concrete personalities

Some people may think the reason of this entry is to satisfy two close friends I think I may have disturbed with my ideas …this reason appeals to me though it is not actually the main reason for this post but it is ok… this concrete friend and his beautiful lovely abstract fiancée deserve so…actually, the main reason for writing this is to clarify my ideas which may have caused some confusion or misleading -to some extent- in judging the situations and the persons…

I won't here talk about friendship between different forms of personalities but I will talk only about life and love…not as friendship is not important, I used to have a friend whose nickname on the msn is " life= = friendship" and I completely agree with her, add to this " life = = true love"...I'm going to talk only about life and love as with your friend you may accept him for the one he is without even thinking in changes – actually you may try to change his mind ,change his way, his attitude or behavior- ... ok, but in the case of partner, you must be satisfied completely with his attitude and behavior and you will do your best to comfort him/her as well , while you may accept some matters that may not comfort you with your friend with a belief that to maintain a strong or a nice relation with your friend you mustn't be insistent on getting all what you want in your friend but you must be insistent on getting all or most of your dreams on your partner…

I'll talk in detail about life between abstract and concrete personalities because this is the most common form of joint life…

Well, let's start with a principle I wanna mention now… many of us agree on that abstraction is the default form for females and concretion is the common form for males…

When an abstract female and a concrete male are going to get engaged:

Of course both reorganize his/her life to welcome and accommodate to the new situation …. The point here is this is the only joint step because the concrete person would have another step to perform alone, he will need to perform another level of re-organization but now it will be personality re-organization…actually for two reasons:

First: you may need to remove some of the roughness and sharpness of your personality and attitude…you may need to apply some new features like sharing or listening… I don't mean that concrete persons are hard or bad, they may have all those nice features deep inside but they only need to re-form the interface within which they present those features when they are dealing with their abstract partners...

Second: to ensure completion and integration…to minimize the gap between the two different natures of concrete and abstract persons…

At this point two questions rise:

The first: why I insist on re-organization not re-construction?

The answer is simply as we don't want the world to be based on only abstract persons… and the rest concrete persons will be turned to be abstract…no…we won't make it the right way if we think like this and we also won't try to turn all abstract persons to be concrete – the life would be very hard if all people are concrete – also it won't happen even if we tried hard….

You re-construct your personality when you have a weak personality or when you have bad behavior and manners and I've said before that concrete persons aren't bad at all…

The second question would be: why don't we ask the abstract girl to re-organize her personality as well??

Let's think about it, if she tried to re-organize her personality she would be moving toward concretion and this is not acceptable at all as the default for females is abstraction….more, if we considered love to be a human , to which category will it be classified?? Will we classify it to be an abstract person or a concrete person? I think it is very clear; it would have been classified to be an abstract person…so females aren't asked to move toward concretion as the default in love is abstraction …more, love is a strong relation which can impose its conditions on persons and personalities …it has no rules but suggests new rules and circumstances…SO, it can easily raise new concepts that don't exist in the dictionary of concrete personalities…

The point -I argue with you my friend about it- here is that you always say that the most tedious part would be the concrete person's part … but I disagree with you in this….

Imagine you spent your life believing that 1+1=2…then a person enters your life – your abstract partner- bringing new colors to it, trying to recalculate the equation with you and trying to convince you that we may –together- make it 1+1=3 maybe 4 or as we wish –together-, trying to make your life more soft and flexible, would it be easy to change your belief about the equations and circumstances?…you are trying to develop yourself and she is encouraging and triggering you to change, what do you think now? Who has the most tedious part?

You may be afraid of losing your concrete part...but it is ok, you won't lose it at all as you are changing only when you deal with your partner, of course you may have to apply some changes to the whole of your life and when you are dealing with the others, but those changes are due to the joint life not for exactly the entrance of an abstract person into it…but the changes in your concrete personality would be only observed when you deal with your partner only not anyone…also, joint life would trigger your ambition more and more and I think this is very good for concrete persons…

Mixtures and variations in models:

• When both are abstract with a concrete mask ,it is believed to be the most ideal model as both of them may move freely from a personality to another with the minimum effort in re-organization...
• When the male is concrete and female is abstract, it is believed to be the most common model...
• The model with an abstract male and concrete female, I think it is the most suffering model as it to some extent contrasts with the nature of both of them…
• The model with two abstract persons, what a beautiful colorful life full of love and feelings…besides, man takes his role in leading the family normally...
• Finally, the hardest model which is composed of two concrete persons…actually life here is very dry, lacks feelings…they may love each other but in silence, their love may be translated into numbers, more ambition, hard work…but this is not enough for love which is said to be abstract…also, it is not always true that silence is the secret language of love, there are situations that needs the rule to be broken…

Final quote: you have told me before that "concrete persons may lose the fight, while abstract persons get hurt"…I may add to this that "concrete persons may get promotion, while abstract persons reach their dreams"

Sleeping with the enemy!!!

Really I'm wondering what is going on!!!….actually I don't aim from this title at the film entitled:" sleeping with the enemy" …I'm aiming at a situation I realized I'm passing through…

I didn't expect that one day I may be grateful to the enemy!!! ..Really this is what I'm experiencing with myself nowadays and I hate alot… I'm afraid the next step would be to smile at then to get to sleep with the enemy!!!... Yes the enemy him/herself….

I used to be the one who says what she wants to whom she likes to say to when she needs to do so, with no restrictions, no limitations and with no regression…. I really like myself that way and I'll do my best to afford changing this fact about myself…

The story began this year, when I decided to just relax and calm down when playing with the enemy actually after my troubles with the dean of the enemies I realized that the game is getting more exciting and dangerous as well ..So I must be cautious and it is ok to have a break, while keeping silence, setting in the dark, watching closely the enemy's actions, taking down notes to discover this new interesting world…

Actually this contrasts with my nature as a "trouble maker" , but I found it ok to have some time to concentrate more on my missions – even ,I did not concentrate on them due to certain situations I mentioned in the previous post –..But the part that scares me alot nowadays that I find myself keeping silence while I wanna talk …more, I find myself nowadays having protocols and policies while dealing with the others from the higher organizational levels -it is not bad to behave like this, but it is TOO BAD to behave like this with the enemy, that is the point here –….

I always believed to be able to impose my conditions everywhere not because I'm strong or because of some of my relatives' positions but due to my character and nothing more…I didn't like to be a victim at all, in contrast, I always liked to act as A bird on a wire ,to have the risk when dealing with the enemy… when I realize that I'm going to be a victim of a game, I turn this game on the one who is trying to play with me …. For his/her extreme cleverness – actually stupidity and silliness- he won't realize that he is the victim not me … and this is the most exciting part really, then and immediately I can take all I want without giving anything at all then I may scream under the sun " hey LOSER"......Actually one of my friends oneday described me as a mean – she aimed at this but she didn't dare to say it – but actually she didn't realize that it was a self defense nothing more…

These days I find that I'm a tool in a dirty game but actually I do nothing to stop this or to even have fun, I applied the principle of a means to a way i.e. as long as I'll benefit at the end of this game , it is ok ..But actually now I feel that really I'm a mean!!!

I used to play games with the enemy but to make deals with him... this is not of my manners!!!

I don't know whether this is some sort of wisdom or responsibility towards myself – i.e. feeling that I must afford getting into troubles – but all I really know that I hate this about myself too much…I like to live freely…speak freely…act freely…

These days unfortunately are full of events or maybe indicators and circumstances that I can't catch up with…I find myself making deals with the enemy, chatting behind the doors of the closed rooms...full of thoughts and life facts and events that are larger than me ...

I'm afraid that oneday, self development and changes may get to be out of my control or without awareness….really, I'm afraid of approaching this level and I don't have plans yet to deal with such situation….

Whether those changes are going the right way or the wrong way but I don't want them … at least now, maybe I'll need in the future...But now,it is my chance, my only chance to live the way I like ….. And as I said before, I'll do my best to afford to be changed this way!!!

Aspiring to a new life

Here I'm, again …but now with new feelings, new view, new hope …actually not completely new, but I'm trying to find some things were hidden deeply inside Ghada … also I always believed that I know myself completely but now I found that I can explore more … what aided me to arrive to such conclusion is the tremendous changes, events and situations I faced during the last 6 months… now I'm aspiring to adapt with those changes and trying to have a new life with new concepts …actually I'm going to just change my attitude or my view of life according to those events … not changing my concepts or my way of thinking as I'm completely satisfied with them…But only I need some flexibility and adaptation that is all…

Here I'll try to list some of the events that triggered the feeling I feel now:

• Actually I'm now trying to end some games I was playing with myself… although it is the most beautiful thing ever in life , it is the something which gives colors to our lives , makes us insist more on living and leading a better life – really , I've not lost this belief- but this all is achieved only when it is a mature feeling but it wasn't complete at all and I knew this from the beginning… but I believe I'm one of those who like to torment themselves, though I don't like the feeling of being a victim at all and I don't permit anyone to make me feel this but this time I was the victim of Ghada herself ,but maybe I find it interesting to have the risk … but when you are bidding on your feelings and your nerves …WHAT A FOOL !!!! ….. but the sweetest part here is that I found new thing about me … I found that I can take off my concrete mask and live with my abstract personality …I explored this part of Ghada deeply this time – as I always know that this is my personality but I didn't explore that part of it for a long period of time before ,actually 4 months are a good period of exploration – …but I decided to stop this game now as I said "it was true but not complete" so it will be a game which I will lose from the first round as I was abstract that time but I couldn't fly or even spread my wings, I didn't dare to do so as I was in a closed room and I knew this well…so now I can quit with no loss, yes I lost some time , and lost my concentration on my current missions ..But it is ok, all of this can be handled soon, it is not too late… and actually this feeling deserves…
• Here, I wanna say sorry …. Forgive me my dear friend I misjudged you, and according to this I was going to lose you and lose our friendship but you saved this at the last moments…really I appreciate you and appreciate your friendship which I can't imagine I was going to lose …it was a nightmare, but you know well that this topic "the 3rd topic " was larger than me to bear and I think the same for you…the sweetest part is that although the confusion and the shock I was passing through those days – because of this misunderstanding- I felt how much we are friends…I always believed on this and believed on you , but actually I felt this so deeply when I began to feel that I'm going to lose you …more than this , I always knew that you consider me a friend but I'm very very sure now…. And I'm grateful to another friend who saved this all, really you are believed to be a candle in the wind as you were described before…really, you are so rich…rich with your soul and mind … you succeeded in making all who know you miss you during your absence …miss your touches on our lives…miss your advices… really, thanks for being in my life ….really I think I'm gifted with the three of you…..
• Well, It is known that I faced many troubles at home in the last 2 months, most of them are with mom… thanks Allah they are to some extent handled nowadays or it may be some sort of rise and fall …anyhow, I think this is due to my decision to change my strategy – yes ,I'm talking about strategies ,we aren't in a war but actually politics and protocols aren't the concern of the governments only– anyhow, my new strategy was to keep silence ,try to prevent facing mom with pretension of ignoring the problem – although I haven't ignored my problems at all – but as I said I pretended to ignore it … I really dislike the feeling as if I was saying " you are thinking this way, ok, keep thinking like this I don't care what do you think of and I won't try to change or correct your thoughts – actually it is not a polite way to deal with your family like this but when you are missing the point or when you can't deal with them, finding after all those years that you maybe appreciated from the others more than you are at home…what will you think ??? …. When you miss the way to convince them with your being …what will you do???....what will you think of when you find that they don't respect your values and your feelings??... actually, I must admit, as I'm trying to develop myself and find new ways, I must expect that mom and dad also are trying to do so with themselves and I must adapt to new situations and circumstances… but what if they are changing their way while you are confused from inside , loaded with thoughts ..Many of them…. I think, soon I may handle this situation with them, trying to put new lines and protocols … actually now I think I live more peacefully than before … but I think in the coming days I may need to develop my relations with them more than just closing my room's door and setting on my pc knowing nothing about anyone here in this nice hotel…
• Here is the last part of my feelings nowadays, it is about my accompany …my friends – the topgirlsgroup – … actually, nowadays I'm trying to minimize the gap between us …. Really this gap wasn't their fault … they don't realize it … I think I'm responsible for a part of this gap … as I realized it early ,very early but I do nothing to fix this… I'm not doing this as we are going to be graduates after a few months but I really wanna explore them again from the beginning … I know them all, but I wanna give myself the chance to get more closer to them ..Trying to develop our relations together…. Hoping to preserve this friendship after graduation if Allah will………

I'm now trying to retrieve my stability, concentrate more on my missions….trying to rollback to my previous status…living my remaining days in faculty the best way, relaxing my mind…trying to gain more experience in life…. But will I make it the right way??..... This is what I will see in the coming days…..

Personality Recognition I :(Abstract Vs. Concrete)

I don't know why i always tend to surf the personalities and characters i meet , but actually i find in doing so excitement i don't find in anything else.... One of the great advantages of doing so ,is the improvement of my analytical senses as when you understand someone's character ,the next step may will be trying to analyze one's behavior and attitude.... This really needs some kind of concentration ....but it helps widening my mind,now i can't be easily deceived by anyone ( i think being so ) , and it also helps in understanding myself more and more.....

when i was in my second year in the faculty, i tried to categorize personalities i know , at the first time i couldn't make it as i needed to find persons and drive them to the same situations and watch their response ... before going on this , "personality recognition " isn't a science or a theory ... it is just a name i liked to call these thoughts ....actually why we have "face recognition" , " speech recognition" , ..... etc. and don't have " personality recognition " ? , although, recognizing the personality is more critical and difficult than just recognizing the external features of a person .. your personality is your backbone , it forms your being ... this is the point.....

Personalities' selection:

ok, each day me and my friends face certain situations which we must react together , but actually there may be similarities in my friends' personalities i'm not in interest of mentioning now ...so they won't be the ideal case study , but after establishing a wide strategy in recognizing people i found it easier to consider my friends' personalities and apply the strategy on them -actually , here i'm talking about my friends who are members in the "TopGroupGirls" :D , as there are friends of mine belong to other specifications- but at the begining i must find distinguishable characters to establish this strategy based on the distinctions between them...Finally , i found two suitable distinct characters , actually they are friends- members in the "free-will committee" (el a7raar) - , they aren't two opponent personalities, in contrast , they perform a fine harmony with each other... But what attracted my attention on them is that their actions are distinguishable remarks of their personalities and their actions are distinct and this was my lost so they were a wonderful start....

Of course,all this processing and thinking was done in the dark corner of my mind as i always call it , in other words,this was done without any awareness or without paying attention to what is going in my mind when dealing with those characters... the only thing i was aware of ,is that i really need to have a well formed opinion about anyone in my life , because in that era , i was really afraid of dealing with anyone i don't know well , even my friends i was so cautious with them as i experienced one bad situation ,caused by mis-judgement, from which i sufferred alot for the whole of the year...

Recognition criteria:

Then i came to the next step, or the next Question ... What would be the Recognition criteria?? Actually i always believe that those two friends are a gift of Allah - this conclusion isn't proven only by this situation but is proven by about 75% of my mentality and personality , i really owe alot to them -Again i found my lost on them..... thanks to their distinct actions , i found two Recognition criteria:

1- abstraction and concretion

2- codes and diagrams classification ( i'll mention later)

Abstract Vs. Concrete:

when i'm talking about abstract and concrete personalities i don't mean abstraction which is the abstraction of ideas and i don't mean concrete which is used to describe the substance used in building....but i actually imported the names from some of mom's ideas and applied my notes on those two friends to extract a definition of an abstract and concrete personality.... abstraction here means matters that are related to one's soul and feelings.... concrete here means having strong beliefs based on cosidering only facts or evidences not feelings or emotions ....

An abstract personality :

well, to consider the abstract personality more deeply, a person is said to be abstract if he had certain characteristics focused on the feelings ....there may be some indicators that indicate whether you are abstract person or not :

*often driven by your feelings ....

* when facing a problem ,you try to find the best solution which relieves your soul even if it doesn't solve the problem actually or physically...

* you consider spiritual values more than concrete values... i.e. you may measure the value of something with how much happiness this thing brings to your heart not the cost of the thing ... for an abstract person , a flower maybe more precious than a necklace

* you may prefer silence ... you may spend time looking at something in silence while thinking

* you always try to find illustrations of the situations or descriptions of the things and matters ..these descriptions and illustrations are related to mind and soul and you consider what is felt about the matter ( concentrate on what is unseen to prove what is seen ).... e.g. an abstract person considers the perfume and the dew blobs on the flower not its color....

* you are very sensitive

* you don't often get bored easily of something you do

A concrete personality:

to consider the concrete personality more closely, a person is said to be concrete if he had certain characteristics focused on the facts , evidences and physical proofs....there may be some indicators that indicate whether you are concrete person or not :

* often driven by your ambition ...

* when facing a problem , you try to work around this problem , leaving the spare time to think of it or even to try to solve it ..but at the moment ,you think of how you would turn your loss into benefit

* you consider the concrete values more than the spiritual values...

* you prefer to some extent crowded places and you like moving from place to place and changing your life ....

* you always try to find illustrations of the situations or descriptions of the things and matters based on certain facts and rules

( concentrate on what is seen and try to explore it) .... a concrete person considers the flower's color and the shape of its leaves....

* you are very practical

* you always try to find new thing to do and try to explore new ways of doing the same thing.

An abstract with a concrete mask:

sometimes there are people who are actually 90% abstract inside and others view them as being concrete..... i believe i'm one of those ..... actually sometimes i get fed up with my concrete mask and try hardly to take it off, but unfortunately people force me to keep it .... i try hardly to convince them "i'm not that one ...i'm not concrete...please look inside ...you will find someone different " ...but in vain.....

one day, i asked a friend for something .... he promised to bring it and we agreed to meet after two days to deliver this thing , the day before our meeting i decided to remind my friend of this thing, he said: " ok i remember but what if i forget to bring it tomorrow ?? "... i said: " nothing,really i'm fully satisfied with my feeling that you wanna help ... now i really won't mind even if you forget it tomorrow, i won't get upset "...my friend ( the financial calculator owner) was surprised of my reply... and i was unhappy with his surprise because i found that he only sees the external concrete mask of my personality !!!! - actually i believe this friend also belongs to this category but i don't know why he can't recognize that i have a concrete mask like him .. not a concrete personality-

another situation which pleased me so much , when i woke up one day and found an SMS from one of the great T.As in our faculty ( EL DOCTOOOORA MERVAT ) ...what a surprise !!! ...she herself sends me a message telling me that she would be available the next day to explain some topics in the "information theory " ... OH really i couldn't believe it , she cares about me .... i insisted more on studying this subject hard to get a high score in it after this situation....and after the exam she called me on the phone to know my news ...i was above the sky that day ... i appreciated this so much, i was so impressed by this situation which i won't forget ..... really if i had a single wish before i leave this faculty after graduation , i wish to had a long conversation with Dr. Mervat & Dr. Amira- another great T.A. - , setting silent while they are talking , giving me a little of their experience.... i don't know what the coming days will bring but i hope this wish comes true...

well , the thing i noted heavily is that the majority of abstract people are women ... the majority of concrete people are men ...

now , what do you think of yourself ??? to which classification do you belong ???