I turned to be...

Here I’ll try to characterize then analyze my feelings and my decisions concerning the situations I’m passing through nowadays…

My family: years ago, I was wondering why in Eid we don’t visit our relatives like most people do… we only visit my grandma… I was so unhappy to have little number of family members,

On mom’s side: I have only an aunt in KSA and an uncle in UAE

On my dad’s side: I have only two uncles who behave the English way, there are no warm feelings and the relation is so cold between us and them

So, I had no one to visit but my grandma… I used to have a Christian friend, she had all her family in the same building… really, I was so jealous of her

After my grandma’s death – may Allah bless her soul – I had no one to visit, I felt like I have no family at all …I always dreamt of having many cousins of my same age to talk to and make friendships and warm relations with…

The only ones I had are my internal family members, dad, mom, brother, and little sister… a year ago, we passed through some sort of hassle, confusion, earthquake if you want to call it exactly… those certain events which I hate the most among my painful memories caused me to choose to get myself into my room… it became my little narrow prison… I chose that prison on myown as everything outside that prison got darker, more disappointing and so hurtful

Now, I feel very furious, I feel humiliated by each look, each word, each action they do…

I feel I don’t deserve so… I wasn’t responsible for what happened those days… I feel like a stranger, I want to break my prison and get away because I’m not bearing anymore to spend my whole day and night in that room…

That is true; I take the responsibility of building the high wall, but not for the reasons caused me to decide on building it!!!

I snatch each chance to go outdoors to do anything, even shopping without having extra money to do so, just to hang around…

My great love: the last time I was talking with Dr.Seyam about him, I yelled by a sentence, I used to tell it online, but this was my first time to tell it loudly in a face-to-face conversation, I may have told it last year, ok… but now everything has changed, I can’t bear it. The situation differs completely and I felt for the first time that I was humiliated as a female, I hurt myself by my words and he hurt me by his actions!!!

I’ve never felt this before neither during this story nor during the previous one!!!

The damn faculty: I feel so bad each time I remember that I’m working with no guarantees at all…

Responsibility from my side, and no guarantees from the other side…

I feel extremely angry when I remember that my decision to be a T.A. was based on the dream that I’ll learn what I need and what I like to learn – while I was, and I still, dislike that career the most- but I decided to complete to have my MSc and PHD but it seems as if there is not a single dream I have in my pocket would come true or would be complete to the end..

Also, I found myself learning out-of-date subjects by static-minded professors with boring course-mates… WOW, what a fascinating combination!!!

I’m not telling that I’m superior to anybody, but I used to have fun and enjoy my life…now, I can’t get to anything I aimed at, so I made some decisions:

1. I won’t attend any premaster silly lectures, no more boredom is needed!!!

2. With a cold, seeming no feelings at all, I declare that MSc is not an essential or primary degree... that implies the fact that I don’t mind giving it up, with all the other not-completed dreams… cause the rule “if you don’t have a point you must accept any alternative” doesn’t appeal to me and isn’t acceptable… at least, I feel I know what I don’t want, so I may one day find something that I want to do…

Realization

I can’t mention how much I’ve been comforted when I read on Haitham’s blog that he had misunderstood Doaa’s change. Actually, I don’t know why I felt so guilty when I read his entry where he accused her of being ingrateful to Dr.Seyam – he hadn’t mentioned this literally but I got it- and he misunderstood her change after getting engaged…

although, he mentioned me in the same entry but I wasn’t worried that much about myself like my worry about his idea of Doaa because of the following facts:

1. I know that Haitham knows me well, and we can handle our misunderstandings as we’d done many times before

2. I know that Dr.Seyam and Dr.Sum aren’t the persons to be easily deceived or misled by someone’s behavior so if Doaa is the one of those who may be turned one day to be ingrateful person to all what they did for her, they might have figured that out from the first sight

3. Haitham hadn’t dealt with Doaa for enough time to figure out her personality clearly, and the relation between them was about no more than educational activities... So, I felt I’m to some extent responsible for his idea about her, although I don’t remember that I had ever mentioned Doaa in any conversation with Haitham and I’m not involved in the situation he mentioned in his story in anyway… but maybe it is the feeling that I’m the link between my group and Haitham was the trigger of the feeling of being guilty and feeling responsible for clarifying any misunderstanding may both sides have about the other

I hurried to ask Dr.Seyam if he really feels what Haitham had written on his blog – although, I was certain that he isn’t but I wanted to be sure- and he confirmed that he doesn’t feel so

Unfortunately, I couldn’t talk with Haitham about what he’d written because I know it isn’t the right time to discuss anything now ... he is in an unsettled temper and we – both- are on the edge…

So, I had to wait with my horrible feeling till the situation gets clearer…

Now, I can’t imagine how much I’m relieved by his new entry, but there are some important notes to mention:

· My feeling now explained his anger when I mentioned one of his friends badly... I thought that the reason for his anger is that his friend is closer to him than me and this disturbed me a lot… but now I felt the same, although Doaa isn’t my closest friend, I felt worried and disturbed for finding him thinking of her that way… so when he felt angry for his friend it was all about the responsibility he felt towards his friendship with the guy..

· Haitham is – as he always was- strong enough to declare that he is wrong or sorry for something - and it is not a shortage, on the contrary, it is a point of strength- even if he insisted on his opinion while he was angry, this reminds me of my long bad continuous experience with anger which drives me badly to do or to tell things I may regret or need to rollback after I become stable again…

But anyhow, thanks Allah this situation ended that way

*Tomorrow we are heading for Cairo if Allah will to attend Doaa’s wedding… this time I’m the responsible for the trip as a whole

*Next week I’m supposed to give two lectures and till now I don’t know anything about what I’m going to talk about, also I’m supposed to give two sections (Dr.Seyam’s lovely system design sections, really I enjoy those sections so much, not as he always expects) and also till now I’ve not prepared what I’m going to give in the sections

*Finally, the awful sections in the faculty of pharmacy had come to an end, the remaining step is only the practical examination

*A week ago, I began the final deals step in the preparation for our graduation party ceremony… I’ll talk about this in greater detail later… but for now, I want to mention that I enjoy this experience so much

Flexibility

The question I’m asking myself nowadays “Do I lack flexibility?!!!!”….

Mom always describes me as being inflexible… so focused on one matter and had no way but my way… I know that this description maybe applied on many other psychological definitions like selfishness, self-centering, being narrow- minded … but she meant being inflexible…

What I’ve regarded about myself nowadays is that she maybe right about that but if she took another meaning for flexibility… the meaning I’m aiming at is to be unable to adapt to new circumstances and changes in personalities’ behaviors

Let’s have some examples on that:

·Mom herself, to a great extent, she ‘d changed her view of life and her way in dealing with all the surrounding people in the family and of course I’m one of the affected ones by this versatility… what is annoying me is that now I can’t adapt to her changes. I can’t adapt to the fact that I may ask anyone on the earth for advice except for her, because If I asked her, she wouldn’t be willing to help me …really I tried this many times and I had the same results at the end. It not her to be blamed for the tremendously increasing distance between us. I have my part in that also, but she had about 75% of the responsibility for how the relation between us turned to be…

Now, why can’t I adapt??...although I feel I can’t get back to our previous status because I know that whatever I do it won’t appeal to mom, but also I find myself can’t adapt to her change

· The one whom I love, I was shocked by his sudden change… he has changed his way by 180 degrees, actually I don’t know what went wrong with him or what I did wrong… I guess my only mistake was to love him... though he is a great man to be loved, but we seem to be not going to make it right together one day… so I must force myself to give up that dream and trying to make another dream comes true… the other dream maybe about a great friendship with him… it is a difficult change, very difficult to view the same situation from two different aspects, and act accordingly, and I’m the one who must adapt to the other viewpoint… not him, and please it is not the right time to ask (why!!!!) … but this is another situation which I can’t adapt to...

The absolute change in his behavior shocked me actually, as this change contrasts with the triggers that arose that love inside me… [Safety]

But after his change, I’m now convinced that we may find – together – another methodology to use while dealing with each other… maybe this would be the first action we take together from a long time ago, with a great comprehension – from my side- that changing my way dealing with him would be the right choice…

But will I adapt easily to my new decision or I may choose to run away and escape from my feelings which chase and hit me even in my dreams!!!

I want to mention here, just for documentation, that for a month I had the same nightmare, where horses are chasing me and hitting me badly while I’m crossing the road to the other side, when I revised a website Dr.Mervat gave to me I found that horses are indicators of emotions we are trying to get rid of and escape…

Roses' Smell: Part II

Suddenly, I began to smell the roses’ smell!!! … She was caring a lot about his study … actually she did this before, but now I feel it much more than before, she also began to ask about him and how he is and if I saw him lately…etc..NANANANANANA :D

I got confident about my guesses when I saw them together for the first time after I began to smell the roses’ smell in her words about him, and when I asked her about her feelings she told me that she is thinking about the relation from the other scenario and she is thinking she likes him… I was really happy and I hope that the final result would be there engagement and ever happiness if Allah will… you may here wonder about what about smelling the roses that I mentioned for about three times here…

When I’m standing with persons who love each other, I feel something in the air like electromagnetic waves… I smell something like roses’ smell … even if I don’t know about their love, but I became confident about my feelings when I saw that sparkle in their eyes while looking to each other… you may ask , why I didn’t smell this smell any time at the previous three years, I may tell you that he was a great actor, also, I rarely saw them together during the previous three years … but when it is bi-directional :D, you can feel like you are standing in a garden while standing with two-loving persons… but in some cases I can feel the one-sided love when I’m with someone who is experiencing that kind , but I don’t smell the roses’ smell in this case…

But there is something one friend told me before … he told me that:” admiration can’t be hidden, while true love can be hidden”… sorry, but I disagree with you… here are my proves: first, admiration is often initiated by the brain and is for a certain reason you know well and can be addressed to anyone… I mean you can be in love and you admire your partner and also you admire your colleague of the opposite sex for being so active or hard-worker or creative or wide-minded, etc... Note: never try to admire your female colleague for being beautiful while you are engaged or in love, I’ve warned you :D… you may tell the other that you admire him/her provided that s/he is a wide-minded person and will put it in the right way… Second, love is initiated by heart, which steals the control on your being from your brain while you are with the one you love – assuming that s/he doesn’t know about your love- …the blood flows there to your heart not your brain that moment… your eyes sparkle, your ears go there to listen to your lovers whispers, even if s/he is not standing with you but s/he is around, if s/he is not around and s/he is coming in his/her way towards you , you may feel this in advance , you may feel s/he is coming now…while s/he is around you feel you are standing in a garden of flowers and you can do nothing about all of this but picking the flowers from this garden to give it to your soul-mate - I’m not assuming here that girls would give flowers to men .. But I mean the feeling no more no less-… can you tell me how would you feel all this and do all this without being trapped from the surrounding people :D….

The question that still I’m wondering about from the first entry in this blog and so forth till now, “how will the puzzle space request the puzzle piece to fit into???” … in other words, how can a girl request a certain man !!!.... My friend was very persistent with his love and he was convinced it might work and he showed that the power of love may win at the end… what if the situation was reversed??...hoping to find the answer in the coming days…

Roses' Smell: Part I

I know it might not be nice to talk about a matter where you aren’t a partner or a major participator, but here I just wanna talk about my feelings regarding this subject…so, I won’t mention anything that may refer to the identity of the actors of this lovely story …

They are a nice couple of friends whom I care about and appreciate very much…

I knew him from our first year in the faculty and our relation continued for the whole of the four years and I haven’t realized even for once his feelings towards her, really he was a great actor…he spoke to her occasionally, and I realized recently that he was creating those occasions to talk to her …

I knew her in the second year and we weren’t close until our forth year in the lovely FCI… but I knew well what she used to think about him…she described him as rough, not gentleman – actually, all girls had the same mind about him ..But as I was known to think and almost concentrate my evaluation on mind and soul, I neglected this feeling about him, but I had it as all other girls, but I always knew that I’m special to him so he always tried not to annoy me like he did with the others , ”special” here means a friend, please don’t misunderstand my words- until the beginning of the forth year when he began to change his overall attitude in life and he began to treat girls more gently …

Before Ramadan this year, he surprised her by claiming that he loves her and he always loved her for the past three years, it was really a surprise for her… she doesn’t like him, what shall she tell him, how she shall reject his request politely!!!… She tried plan ‘A’ which all girls try in such a situation …when she didn’t like the guy she try to tell him “let’s continue to be friends… I don’t think it will work that way”…

He told her “It took me three years to make a decision, I will let you think and take your time”… from that moment and going, he did his best to satisfy her, hopefully he may attract her… really he was so persistent… he did his best really…

There are some things I appreciated the most about her: her insistence on keeping him not hurt … trying to encourage him to study more and promote … being honest with herself and with him…never insulting him … - those things many girls insist on, but actually I’m now comparing her reaction with the awful reaction of one other friend when she wanted to reject a guy offered her unconditional love and caring -…

What really I can’t express now by the few words I can write is their noble feelings and respectful relation during the period while she is still insisting on her thought that he is not suitable…. Actually I advised her many times to think about it and trying the other scenario, as long as he is respectful and he will propose to her once she accepts his request…all this time I’m noticing their actions and I’m confident about the relation’s success if Allah will… he is so suitable … they are very compatible and their characteristics and behavior may generate a very nice harmony together …even their facial features are similar…- when two persons are soul mated or they are in love, even if they aren’t naturally similar in the facial features to each other, after meeting each other, their matched souls come up to their faces so that the viewer can be misleaded and see as if they were facially similar - …I was hoping from all of my heart that she accepts, I liked seeing them together… but I hadn’t smelt the roses’ smell yet !!! so I decided not to talk to any of them about my notes and my hopes for this relation so as not to interfere in their issues and not to pressure on them

Then, she began to complain that he began to smother her and he is blaming her for not realizing his dreams and for making it going wrong by her refusal… I began to worry about her so much… I trust him the most and I’m confident about his manners…but I was really sorry for him, he might have been overloaded by his feelings, or he might have been impatient… till that moment he wasn’t speaking to me about the matter… he knew well that she told me about his love.. But we – He and I- didn’t discuss it together… I decided to try to make him speak about it to know what is going on with him... and to offer help as I saw her became miserable and she began to consider his words which he said while he was angry and resenting her… she began to blame herself for his low marks, for his upset… and this wasn’t right at all, and thanks Allah, I succeeded in initiating a conversation with him concerning what he wants really… it was really wonderful and I wasn’t worried anymore about any of them … I decided to : first, try to relief her and convincing her that she is not to be blamed about anything as she was so honest with him and she hadn’t misleaded , second, to try to convince her more about thinking of it by telling her my notes and trying to make some comparisons about their characteristics and how this couple will look like if they make it… then we took a break of talking about the matter due to being busy with our mid-terms…

To Be Continued...