a message in a bottle

I’ve seen your note entitled “the promise” and I thought I may comment as the topic reminded me of a situation I’d experienced with one of my friends long ago…

I had his promise to be friends forever… I had his promise to remain together and to be for him as he was for me… I can tell you that we were back to back and side by side… I thought it was a very special relation which I hadn’t experienced before …and I think he felt the same as he told me this in a call oneday… the same call in which he gave me his promises and I think he was so honest that day…

I was so honest and so loyal to him and I think he knew this… I thought I should do my best in this relationship as I considered it a long term- investment, you can call it a life-range investment as I was in it by my all and I’m not exaggerating in telling so… even if he had not felt so, but this was my all and I think he felt the implications of being in by my all…

Suddenly all the words and the promises had gone with the wind with no obvious reason… I really searched for the reason and I hadn’t found a single one…

I didn’t find my friend when I needed him… and really I needed him… while I think he always found me by him… in his sorrows before his happiness…

I felt ingratitude and infidelity…

I’ve tried my best to keep him… but I felt that he did not want to exert an effort to keep me...

I remember that he did nothing to keep his promises to me … he caused me to feel all what you’ve mentioned in your note…

Do you think I was mistaken to try to keep him??

Do you think I should have not taken his promises seriously from the beginning and acting upon?? Because as you know promises imply commitments and related issues the simplest of them is trying to keep the relation; the baseline of it, at least its structure. If I had not believed him once he gave me his word I think I would have not been sorry and feeling betrayed that much.

You mistakenly may think I’m talking while expecting I did no mistakes; but truly I’ve searched for those mistakes which caused the promises to turn to their opposites in my story and I had not found...

I can conclude that many promises can be broken when the person who gave the promise for some reason decides to pull his word back or to ignore the promise and forget it, mostly misevaluating the other person's ability to be aligned with the promise; ignoring that once s/he gave his/her word to someone; it becomes a deliberate property between the two persons. No one of them has the right to give it away by his/her own without warning the other person. I don’t know whether this applies to the situation you mentioned in your note; but this is my situation.

I think you will think again about your notes’ privacy settings after this message… but thanks anyhow for having the chance to see that you may think about your words oneday...

I think getting feedback from those who you had given words before, is more viable than getting feedback from those who you had not… hoping that you may get feedback from those who you were thinking of while you were writing this note.

هذا عتاب الحب للأحباب

تساءلوا: كيف تقول: هذى بلاد لم تعد كبلادى؟!

فأجبت: هذا عتاب الحب للأحباب

لا تغْضَبـِى من ثـَوْرَتِى.. وعتــابـــى

مازالَ حُّبــــكِ محنتى وعــــــــذابى

مازالتِ فى العين الحزينــــةِ قبلـــــة ً

للعاشقين بسحْـــركِ الخَـــــــــــلاَّبِ

أحببتُ فيكِ العمرَ طفــــلا ً باسمــــًا

جاءَ الحيــاة َ بأطهـر الأثـــــــــوابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ الليلَ حيــــن يضمنـــــــا

دفءُ القلــوبِ.. ورفـْقــَة ُ الأصحابِ

أحببتُ فيـكِ الأم تـَسْكـــُنُ طفلهَــــــا

مهما نأى.. تلقــاهُ بالتــَّـــرْحَـــــابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ الشمسَ تغسلُ شَعْــــرها

عنـدَ الغروبِ بدمعها المُنـْسَــــــابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ النيلَ يجــرى صَاخبــــًا

فـَيَهيمُ رَوْضٌ..فى عنــــَـاق ِ رَوَابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ شموخَ نهــر جامـــــــح ٍ

كم كان يُسكرنــى بــغيـر شَــــرَابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ النيلَ يسْجُــد خاشعِــــــا

لله ربــــًّــــا دون أى حســــــــابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ صلاة َ شعــبٍ مُؤْمــــن

رسمَ الوجـودَ على هُدَى مِحْـــرَابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ زمانَ مجـــدٍ غَابـــــــــر ٍ

ضيَّـعتــِـهِ سفهـــــًا على الأذنـــَـابِ

أحببتُ فِى الشرفـــاء عهدًا باقيــــــًا

وكرهـتُ كلَّ مُقـــــامر ٍ كـــــــذابِ

إِنى أحبــــكِ رغــــــم أَنى عاشــــقٌ

سَئِم الطوافَ.. وضـاق بالأعْـتـابِ

كم طاف قلبى فى رحابـــِـكِ خاشعًا

لم تعرفى الأنـْقـى.. من النـصـــَّابِ

أسرفتُ فى حبــــى.. وأنت بخيلـــــة ٌ

ضيعتِ عمرى.. واسْتـَبَحْتِ شَبَابى

شاخت على عينيكِ أحلامُ الصبـــــا

وتناثرت دمعـــا على الأهــــــــدابِ

من كان أولـَى بالوفاء ؟!.. عصابة َُ

نهبتكِ بالتدليـــــس.. والإرهـــــابِ ؟

أم قلبُ طفـل ذاب فيــــك صبابـــــة ً

ورميتهِ لحمًـــا على الأبــــــــوابِ ؟!

عمر من الأحزان يمـرح بيننــــــــا..

شبحُ يطوف بوجهـــهِ المُرْتــــــــَابِ

لا النيلُ نيلـُكِ.. لا الضفافُ ضفافهُ

حتى نخيلـُك تاهَ فى الأعشـــــــابِ !

باعُوكِ فى صخبِ المزادِ.. ولم أجد

فى صدركِ المهجور غيرَ عـــذابى

قد روَّضُوا النهرَ المكابـِرَ فانحنــــــَى

للغاصبيـــــــن.. وَلاذ بالأغْــــرَابِ

كم جئتُ يحملنى حَنِينٌ جــــــــــارفٌ

فأراكِ.. والجلادُ خلـفَ البَــــــــابِ

تـَتـَرَاقـَصين علـَى الموائـــــد فرحة ً

ودَمِى المراقُ يسيل فى الأنخــــابِ

وأراكِ فى صخب المزاد وليمــــــة ً

يلهو بها الأفـَّاقُ.. والمُتصـــــــابى

قد كنتُ أولى بالحنان ِ.. ولم أجـــــدْ

فى ليلِ صدرك غيرَ ضـوءٍ خــابِ

فى قِمة الهَرَم ِ الحزين ِ عصابـــــة ٌ

ما بين سيفٍ عاجز ٍ.. ومُـــــــرَابِ

يتعَبَّدُون لكــــل نجــــــــم ٍ سَاطِــــع ٍ

فإذا هَوَى صاحُوا: «نذيرَ خَرَابِ»

هرمُ بلون ِالموت ِ.. نيلٌ ساكــــــنٌ

أسْدٌ محنطـــــــــــة ٌبلا أنـْيَــــــــابِ

سافرتُ عنكِ وفى الجوانح وحشــــة ٌ

فالحزنُ كأسِى.. والحَنِينُ شَــرَابى

صوتُ البلابـِل ِغابَ عن أوكــــــاره

لم تعبئى بتشــــــردى.. وغيــــابى

كلُّ الرفاق رأيتـُهـــم فى غربتـــــــى

أطلالَ حُلم.. فى تـِلال ِ تـــــُرَابِ

قد هاجروا حُزْنـًا.. وماتوا لوعـــــة ً

بين الحنين ِ.. وفـُرقةِ الأصحــابِ

بينى وبينك ألفُ ميــــــل ٍ.. بينمـــــــا

أحضانـُك الخضراءُ للأغْــــرَابِ!

تبنين للسفهــــــــاء عشـًّـــــا هادئـــــا

وأنا أموتُ على صقيع شبابــــى !

فى عتمةِ الليل ِ الطويـــل ِ يشــــــدنى

قلبى إليكِ.. أحِنُّ رغم عــــــذابى

أهفو إليك.. وفى عُيُونِكِ أحتمـــــــى

من سجن طاغيةٍ وقصفِ رقــابِ

هل كان عدلا ً أن حبَّـكِ قاتـــلـــــــى

كيف استبحتِ القتلَ للأحبــــــابِ؟!

ما بين جلادٍ.. وذئــــــــــب حاقــــــدٍ

وعصابةٍ نهبتْ بغير ِ حســــــــابِ

وقوافلٍ للبُؤس ِ ترتـــــــــعُ حولنــــــا

وأنين ِ طفلٍ غاص فى أعصــابى

وحكايةٍ عن قلبِ شيــخ عاجــــــــــٍز

قد مات مصلوبًا على المحـــــرابِ

قد كان يصرخ: «لى إلـــــهٌ واحــدٌ

هو خالق الدنيـا.. وأعلـــمُ ما بى»

ياربِّ سطـَّرت الخلائـــقَ كلهَّـــــــا

وبكل سطـر ٍ أمــــــة ٌ بكتــــــــابِ

الجالسونَ على العروش توحَّشُــوا

ولكل طاغيـةٍ قطيــــــــعُ ذئـــــابِ

قــد قلـــــــتُ:إن الله ربٌّ واحـــــدٌ

صاحوا:"ونحن" كفرتَ بالأرْبَابِ؟

قد مزَّقوا جسدى.. وداسُوا أعظـُمى

ورأيتُ أشلائى على الأبــــــــوابِ

ماعدتُ أعرفُ أيْنَ تهدأ رحلـتـــى

وبأى أرض ٍ تستريـــح ركـــــَابى

غابت وجوهٌ.. كيفَ أخفتْ سرَّها ؟

هرَبَ السؤالُ.. وعز فيه جوابى

لو أن طيفـَا عاد بعـــد غيــــابــــه

لأرى حقيقة رحلتــــــى ومآبـــــى

لكنه طيفٌ بعيــــــدٌ.. غامـــــضٌ

يأتى إلينــــــا من وراء حجـــــــابِ

رحل الربيعُ.. وسافرت أطيــــارُه

ما عاد يُجدى فى الخريفِ عتــابى

فى آخر المشوار تبدُو صورتـــى

وسْط َ الذئاب بمحنتى وعــــــذابى

ويطل وجهُك خلفَ أمواج ِ الأسى

شمسًا تـُلـَوِّحُ فى وداع ِ سحــــــابِ

هذا زمانٌ خاننى فى غفـــــلــــــةٍ

منى.. وأدْمى بالجحــودِ شبـــــابى

شيَّعتُ أوهامـــى.. وقلتُ لـَعَلـَّنـى

يوما أعودُ لحكمــتـى وصـــــــوابى

كيف ارْتضـــيتُ ضلالَ عَهْدٍ فاجر

وفسادَ طاغيةٍ.. وغـــــــدرَ كِلابِ؟!

ما بين أحـــــلام ٍ تـَوارى سحْــرُها

وبريق ِ عُمر صارَ طيـــفَ سَرَابِ

شاختْ ليالى العُمر منـــى فجـــــأة ً

فى زيف حلم ٍ خــادع كـــــــــذابِ

لم يبق غيرُ الفقر يسْتـُر عَوْرَتـــــى

والفقرُ ملعونٌ بكـــل كِتــــــــــــــابِ

سِربُ النخيل ِعلى الشواطئ ينـْحَنى

وتسيلُ فى فــزع ٍ دِمـــــــاءُ رقاب ِ

ما كان ظنى أن تكونَ نهايتــــــــــى

فى آخر المشـــوار ِ دَمْعَ عتــــــابِ!

ويضيعُ عمرى فى دروبَ مدينتـــى

ما بين نار القهر ِ.. والإرْهـــــابِ

ويكون آخرَ ما يُطلُّ على المــــدى

شعبٌ يُهــــرْولُ فى سوادِ نقـــــابِ

وطنٌ بعَرض ِالكون ِيبـــــدو لعبـــة ً

للوارثين العرشَ بالأنســـــــــــابِ

قـَتـْــــــلاكِ يـــا أمَّ البلادِ تفرقـُــــــوا

وتشردُوا شِيَعًا على الأبْــــــــــوَابِ

رَسَمُوكِ حُلما..ثم ماتـوا وَحشـــــة ً

ما بين ظـُلـْم ِ الأهل ِ.. والأصْحَابِ

لا تخجلى ِ إن جئتُ بابَكِ عاريـــــًا

ورأيتِنى شَبَحــــًا بغيــــــر ثيــــــابِ

يَخْبُو ضياءُ الشمس ِ.. يَصغُر بيننا

ويصيرُ فى عَيْنى.. كعُودِ ثقـــــــــابِ

والريحُ تزأرُ.. والنجومُ شحيحـــــة ٌ

وأنا وراءَ الأفق ِ ضوءُ شهــــــــابِ

غضبٌ بلون العشق ِ.. سخـط ٌ يائسٌ

ونزيفُ عمر ٍ.. فى سُطـُور كتـابِ

رغْمَ انطفاءِ الحُلِم بين عيـــــــــــوننا

سيعودُ فجرُكِ بعدَ طول غيـــــــابِ

فـَلـْترحمى ضعْفِى .. وقلـَّة َ حِيلتــى

هذا عِتابُ الحُبِّ.. للأَحْبـــــــــــابِ

Under reconstruction

Every year I’m used to evaluate myself, my behavior and my attitude as a whole… this evaluation session usually is held in August… Dunno why August exactly but it maybe because August is the month in the middle of the summer holiday; I spend the first half of the holiday hanging out, sleeping, talking on the phone and watching movies, Then I begin at the second half of the holiday (August) to evaluate myself so as to get to the weakpoints whether they are characteristics or values need to be adjusted according to the personal and environmental consecutive changes.

This year I had not done this process the same way I use to do every year… instead; I had my mind so relaxed that it seemed to me as if it was a slacker which is totally unconscious…

to find myself after a month feeling so angry…

what had happened is that I was unaware of what I was doing internally… this time I was not evaluating myself or my behavior… but I was evaluating my relationships… of course every year I had used to evaluate my relationships as well… but this evaluation was done from my side or to my side… I was evaluating what I had done badly to the relations I’m having whether they are present relations or relations in the past; evaluating the lessons and learning from them…

this year my evaluation was quite different; I was evaluating the relations from the others’ side; by other means I was evaluating my gains from each relation I’m in nowadays… for the first time I do so… I was always evaluating what the others shall gain from me; and try to make more for them… I’m not declaring being an angel but I know well I’m always trying to make my friends happy…

The thing I had noticed this year that I’m so angry; the anger that I was hindering for the last years trying to convince myself that it maybe me who is the mistaken and who should be more flexible and adaptable… I found myself telling “enough… I got sick of this”… I felt being not satisfied with my relationships; I found most of them are not satisfying either psychologically, or mentally … some of them are very overloading and demanding to the extent that I found that I get nothing from this relation… of course no one gets nothing from a relationship; always there is a giver and a taker who should agree about each other’s percentage of either giving or taking and of what they should give and what they should take… i should be giving and taking of each relation I’m in… but what if the percent I’m giving is too tiring; and the percent I’m taking is too oppressing…

of course every issue has two sides; I’ve tried to get to the other perspective; to look at the full half of the glass… what if I’m taking what I’m not in a need of??... What if my friends are giving me by a good percent what I’m not feeling or I’m not thinking I need in the present…

but I’m always trying to give them all what I think they need; all what I would need if I were them… so what if I’m giving them too much of what they don’t need; so they don’t appreciate and they don’t give me a satisfactory return??... I think that if they were unsatisfied by what I think I’m doing; they would have not been that happy with me...I feel they are happy; they kept on telling me that they are happy when I did them something they like and even sometimes I may do somethings they don’t expect… I think I’m about to solve this conflict from this side…

also if they are unsatisfied with what I’m doing; they would not had missed those tiny things they were missing from me the few last weeks… I don’t know what to do know with my this increasing feeling of unsatisfaction… maybe I need to regard other aspects in my relationships… maybe I need to regard the full half in each personality but I swear that I’m already doing this with some relations I’m in and this is so overloading because I may regard some bright aspects of a friend’s personality which are not affecting me or s/he is not using to affect me… I keep hoping of this bright side of his/her personality and doing the good wishing that this bright side is affecting our relationship and then I find that I’m doing much more than I could be affected by the good of this relation… this of course is not the rule for all my relationships; but some of them…

I began to send an implicit message to each friend I’m considering a partner with me in a relation we have; his/her response would be the light which may lead me to the decision

I have two temporarily choices; from which I need to choose till I make my final decision… both are hard for me to implement and to deal with the consequences:

1- To go back one step and reconstruct all the unsatisfactory relations based on the new circumstances and the extent to which I need this relation. This would lead me to an empty soul with an empty circle…I may lose in this process two or three of the very few people who are still in…

2- To go on and move and keep everything as it is till I have my battery completely empty with nothing left to be given to anyone..

Really I have no idea of what to be done…

العودة

وها أنا ذا ...الغريبه إنى كان مفروض أرجع أكتب من زمان أوى وأتكلم عن حاجات كتير أوى... حاجات مش لازم تتنسى ...بتفاصيلها .. بحلوها ومرّها... عشان أنا فى الفترة اللى فاتت دى شفت ومريت بحاجات كتير وإتحركت فى أماكن كتير .. وإتعلمت حاجات كتير... وحاسه إن حاجات كتير وأفكار كتير إتغيرت فيا ...بقيت أنا مش أنا ... أنا مش عارفنى ...

بس لاقيت اللى حصل معايا إمبارح... على الرغم من إنه مش جديد ؛ بيدفعنى للكتابه تانى.. وده لأنه فكرنى بشوية حاجات لازم أعملها توثيق للذكرى وكمان عشان أبقى أشوفها وأتعلم منها وأفتكر نفسى كنت إزاى فى الفترة دى...زى بالظبط اللى حصل معايا دلوقتى...كتاباتى القديمة هى اللى كنت باحاول من خلالها فى الفترة اللى فاتت إنى أفتكر أنا مين...فكرتنى إنى كنت فى فتره عندى أفكار ذهبية ولازم أرجع كده تانى...فكرتنى لإنى كان عندى مشاعر وعواطف تملأ الكون كله حب ولازم أحاول أرجعها تانى عشان يرجع الدفء جوايا تانى... بجد بقالى سنه بالظبط تايهة وشبه فاقده الذاكرة ومحتاجة أفتكر كنت مين وبأعمل إيه...

كنت أخذت قرار إنى مش عدت هأكتب حاجه تانى؛ مش عشان مفيش حاجه تستحق التوثيق؛ بالعكس..بس عشان لاقيت إن مفيش أى حاجه دايمه، كل شئ بيروح ويتبدد فى ثوانى؛ الحب، الصداقة، العشرة، الاحلام ...حتى الثقة...ده حتى الزوج والزوجه اللى عاشوا مع بعض لسنين ممكن فى لحظة يتكون بينهم جدار الثلج ويبقوا أغراب عن بعض...معدش ف كلمة إسمها "للأبد" الكلمة دى بقت ملهاش طعم ولامعنى عندى...
أنا عارفه إنى مش بأقول حاجه جديدة ؛ بس أنا لسه بأتعلم؛ ف أما وصلت للحقيقة دى كانت جديدة عندى ... وأنا من النوع اللى مش بيصدق إلا أما يشوف ويجرب بنفسه...
كمان قلت مش هأكتب تانى لأنى وقت ما كنت بأكتب كنت كتبت حاجات حطيت فيها أغلى مشاعرى وأفكارى وقت كتابتها كنت حساها كنز غالى أوى؛ بس بعد كده كانت سبب زيادة ألمى وجرحى كل السنه ونص اللى فاتوا؛ مش لأنى ندمت على اللى كتبته؛ لأ مش ندمت ولا حاجه دى كانت أفكار ومشاعر صح أوى فى وقتها..كنت حاساها أوى ومقتنعة بيها جدا... لكن اللى كتبته زمان ده ساعد على إنى كل ما أقرأه تانى أفتكر أد إيه ممكن تكون الحقايق قدامنا ونبقى مش عاوزين نسمع ولانشوف؛ وقت ماتكون الحقايق واضحة كنت بأطردها من تفكيرى وبأغمض عينيا... ممكن إننا بإيدينا نسهل للآخرين خداعنا واللعب بينا ...

بس أرجع وأقول إنى لو كنت مش إتعرضت لأى حاجه صعبه فى حياتى مش كنت هأتعلم ولسه ياما هنتعلم...مش كنت هأبقى الشخصية اللى أنا عليها دلوقتى...بجد الحمد لله على كل اللى حصل ليا فى حياتى ... يمكن يكون فِ ناس حصل معاهم أكتر من كده... الحمد لله دلوقتى بجد بأشوف اللى من سنى منهم اللى لسه بيقع فى نفس المطبات اللى وقعت أنا فيها من 6 وللا 7 سنين...ومنهم اللى عمره أصلا ماهيكبر ولا يبقى زى الكبار ويحصلله زيهم !!

من الآخر؛ أنا رجعت النهاردة أكتب عشان أقول إنى هأرجع أكتب تانى اللى بأشوفه واللى بأحسه...واللى يحصل يحصل بقى...ده اللى هنشوفه مع بعض..وربنا يستر...

Reasons why E-learning fails there...

I was searching inside for the last two years to find an answer of why I’m very opponent of the drastic trend of e-learning in our faculty; why I always find myself telling that “he3he3he3” once someone begins advising me about working on e-learning development in our faculty; and it was the same “he3he3he3” that I told dr.Waleed when he suggested that I may work with graduation projects to obtain the application of my MSc research point…

A week ago, I’d found out the answer of my unjustified refusal of e-learning, it was all about the unstructured environment we work on in our faculty… let’s explain the idea more; once I begin working on a research point I won’t be able to precisely estimate the deliverables or what shall my conclusions be from the beginning… to be able to see clearly I would need a safe, riskless environment to apply my theorems fully and truly, then the results would be used as a basis for the measurement of all the main concept I’m mainly building my dissertation upon and then this would be a point to derive all the possible versions of the scenario in question… after all; I’d be able to manage any risky, ambiguous circumstances I’m supposed to work through…

But what if I’ve tried to work at first mainly on a risky environment such as this one present in our faculty?? The answer is very simple; catastrophic incomplete results, and I would be deceiving myself if I took them as the measurement basis because they don’t represent the ideal or even a realistic state… ok, but I’m so sure that much that e-learning environment is a defective one, or this one would lead to incomplete results? Ok to answer this question I must apply it first on my research point which is composed of two main concepts (Agile Software Development + Service-Oriented Architecture)…so e-learning would be an unstructured risky environment to apply my research point on because:

1.There are no collaborative workgroups of researchers like those we find on the other international universities all over the world, so I must depend mainly on undergraduates’ graduation projects, the thing that would lead me to face hundreds of risks related to the solution’s quality… add to them the hassle of managing a group of students with all the possibilities of facing shortage in knowledge and experience as well as irresponsibility related hassle…

2.Agile development doesn’t have a wide basis of audience in our faculty [it was called macaroni development before]; so how shall I convince my teachers and colleagues about cooperating with me by even only giving me the suitable atmosphere I need to create with no in vain hassle??

3. SOA needs an infrastructure or some factors to build itself on the top of them… in more precise words; in my graduation project for example, though I know that it was with no other peer, but it hadn’t come up with all its desired objectives; and SOA wasn’t fully applied … i.e. we hadn’t used its full power because there were no reliable projects to integrate with and use its underlying data and I believe that there would have been more if we had applied fully SOA…

So if I used e-learning as the area where I apply my research, I’d come with unreliable, incomplete conclusions which would lead me to be as if I’m applying it or I’m studying it for the first time if I tried to apply it in the business real world… while people would trust me for my certifications telling that I’m one of MSc. holders I’d perform as just a postgraduate student and in this case the cost would be so high compared to the cost of using business to apply my point as the only alternative from the very beginning (I mean those research points which were mainly dedicated to business and those which demand either reliable infrastructure or distributed environment or both)

I’m not totally against e-learning part and parcel but I think that the right place where we can work on e-learning solutions is the research institutions where the environment is ready to develop such solutions and the risks are limited to the lowest level… but if this environment is not available at the moment; then we shall seek the right timing to apply our research points on e-learning in our faculty and never sacrifice our conclusions and measurements in the chase of a mode…