In the long search for making a difference

As a persistent Gemini; I’m always struggling to make a balance between my double –faced personality and establishing a limit so as not to slope into one of them leaving out a chance for enriching my life with lessons and experiences gained from my duality.

As an idealist; I’m always assessing my performance, my motives, and my target in life.

As an extrovert; I’m not afraid of exhibiting my duality, questioning myself and exhibiting my conclusions.

As a proactive person; I work on attacking my fears and strengthening my weak points before they dominate my soul.

Through 18 months of great achievements shortage, and of being unsatisfied of the small achievements if found; I’m always questioning my inner self [feelings, thoughts, and motives] and surroundings [environment, circumstances, and persons’ qualities and characteristics] of this shortage. I’m trying to find the reason of not being able to continue influencing these surroundings strongly and prospering my inner self as a result, as I used to do long ago before these 18 poor –tender months.

I’ve asked myself many questions like:

What type of difference I’m aspiring to make?... difference in surrounding people’s lives, remarkable differences… they should not be a medicine or an exploration, they may be a smile or a unforgettable moment. Being a source of inspiration and having a remark in others’ lives as my close friends used to describe me. That’s what I call a true achievement. No matter the number of people affected, however; the larger the number, the larger the influence, the greater the achievement. But if I have made a difference in life of someone special or remarkable in our community, this is what I call a great achievement. I’m experiencing so with some great friends, they are great by their personalities and by their influence on others.

Have I lost my insistence on making a difference?? … If so, why I’m going through all this hassle and self –conflicts?

Did I fail in communicating my ability of making a difference??... I think I can rely on my past achievements, if they are considered to be achievements, to introduce me. So the question may be modified to be:

have I failed in re-communicating my ability on making a difference at least to people I knew recently?... and the answer would be: really, I don’t know; and I don’t know whether I should continue relying on my past in this situation as well.

Am I frustrated by some experiences when I struggled to make a difference but wasn’t allowed to do so?? … Some sort of…

Shall I surrender for my frustration? … NO, because I should remind myself of past success stories where the moral was gained.

Decision: So I should measure the degree of my frustration and trying to lessen it gradually. I should also remember the saying of “don’t expect people to treat fairly only because you are a good one, it is somewhat like expecting the ox to not attack you only because you are a vegetarian”. Don't regret something you have done oneday, because when you did it you were believing that this is the suitable time to do the suitable thing for the person who deserves. There was logic behind it and you should not deny it. If this person proved that s/he does not deserve what you did for him/her, just quit.

Are surrounding people’s qualities and characteristics influencing my insistence on making a difference? ... Some sort of; for example people’s resistance of change affects my willingness on collaborating. A live demo is in my working environment, and in my experience with my stubborn friend.

Decision: How shall I react (generally in similar situations)? ... I should not surrender; I should try and struggle to change the surrounding circumstances. I should also to cope with my fellows who share the same goal with me.

What I had actually done (in the case of my working environment especially)? … I ignored the problem and tried to invade new communities… this is not a good solution, but it sounds fine with me up till now.

If I tried to re- answer question no. 7 from another perspective: recently, i found that some people cannot recognize me as someone who can make a difference from the first moment... This proved to affect me, although i have to be the only lead of my life.

Decision: How shall I react? ... I should keep my first goal ahead in front of my eye [I should make a difference … I should make a difference… I should make a difference] … never turn back to what they should think, they will think if you gave them what they think of… they should not take the lead of your life, you should be the only leader of it and they may spread the perfume around it. You should be more proactive, not just an active one, and of course neither a reactive nor a passive person. People will not always give you a chance to make a difference. Sometimes they resist enabling you to make a difference. Sometimes, they are not aware of needing such difference you are going to make. Other times they may pretend not needing or deny the difference you will make. A few times are when they are willing to give you the chance to make a difference. So you should not wait for them to enable you to make a difference, you should conquer them and let your passion and effect invade their lives.