Yesterday, ideas flow into my mind suddenly, after 10 days of being drunk with nothing to think about or at least after 10 days of avoiding thinking … suddenly, I began to think about my state and my soul…
I’ve declared previously that I’d wear my overseeing glasses and try to imagine myself two months from the day I became certain about it and act accordingly until I reach the point I’m aspiring to reach… acting accordingly would imply that I’d act as if nothing had happened, I’d act as if I’m not hurt, I’d do my best to please myself and I’d let nothing annoys me… and I guess till now I’m acting well… I don’t miss a chance when I shall hang out with my friends, I spend my time well in the faculty with my colleagues, I go home only to sleep and when it is 8:00 am each day, I start my day searching for relevation… I tried hard not to spend any moment alone or any moment silent so as not to think about my story, till I recover and release my soul completely…
The point that I missed during the last 10 days and I hadn’t used my overseeing glasses for analyzing it is that I maybe going the wrong way to find relevation… during the last 10 days, I found myself talking to persons I couldn’t imagine that I’d talk to or laugh to one day !!!... I found myself walking with a guy of those whom I used to criticize the way he deals with girls and I know well that he is not pure inside… I heard the quote “if you are staying, I’d stay... if you are leaving, I shall leave” ... Hey pal, are we the enemies of yesterday and the friends of tomorrow… and for the ridicule, this quote was in front of the sights of the one whom I refused three weeks ago… what the hell I’m doing with myself !!!... my overseeing glasses hadn’t told me that after two months from now, I may regret what I’m doing now .. And more, there maybe no way back…
There are many observations triggered those thoughts:
1-The quote I heard and the action I did after this quote proved that I’m not in my equilibrium state and I won’t reach it soon…
2-The question I asked my friend Marwa:” the problem of having a large community is despite you may know them well, and know how each one of them shall think, how can you determine what to say to whom, and how to determine the intensions of the audience??” … this question drew my attention to the fact that I’m talking so much
3-Having long discussions with the new T.As, we are all in the same package, them and me… but I remember that 10 days ago, I hardly knew their appearance!!!
I feel like a drunk wandering in the rain with no predefined destination, harming himself, feeling no pain, waking in the morning to find himself injured… I should put an end to this way, so as not to harm myself… I should lessen the time I spend in the faculty, but what I’m suffering from is that I may find no other place to go to, and I can’t scream, I avoid crying and also I’m prevented from going to my mom and cry on her shoulder…. So, where to run???
There are also some notes I observed about myself during this period:
1-I feel I’m empty inside, unfortunately I’m left with many holes and gaps inside, and I’m searching for the cure or for fulfilling those holes… but will I succeed??
2-I became so calm and nothing could recently blow up my anger or make me nervous... I can’t determine whether it would be my personality style for the coming era or it is just a temporarily state until I get all my feelings back and wake up from the dream, and sometimes I may call it the nightmare, I lived in for the whole of the last 16 months…
3-I found that I could manage it the right way with them both, thanks Allah…
4-Dr.Seyam was right about what he was aiming at when he asked me about the real reason for enjoying my time on the facebook… the proof is that I found myself nowadays not interested anymore in surfing the so called facebook!!!
5-I avoid listening to Elissa’s album so as not burst into tears… but really I miss this album so much… she spelled out most of my feelings in this magnificent album… the same fear prevented me also from reading Nizar’s writings for a while until the wound stops bleeding…
I hope I continue my way in helping myself to recover and overcome quickly with no mentioned loss… I hope I can manage it the right way with no regression…
