Yesterday I had a conversation with Dr.Seyam; one of those heavy conversations that may lead me at the end to burst into tears… the blessing in this type of conversations is that my partner on them is such a compassionate sympathetic understanding close friend like Dr.Seyam…
This last conversation reminded me of a flow of terrible memories of my childhood, from which I was trying to escape for years… I remembered them yesterday again!!
I remembered them all when I mentioned to Dr.Seyam that mom had left my graduation party at the very beginning and when I asked her about her reasons she explained that my brother had to study his lessons or he got bored … actually I don’t remember her justification exactly – and I don’t want to - but it was something like that….
One of the memories I remembered after this conversation had been finished was about the uninterrupted four slaps I got in my first day in the school I joined when I was in my 4th year in the primary school… this is one of my hardest memories, which I kept on hiding deeply in the black dark corner of my mind.. Though I’m not ashamed of something I had done, how shall I get ashamed of being a naughty 9 years old girl? , I’m ashamed of my parents’ reaction in that situation…
Let me tell the story at first, it was my first day in that school and it was the first day in the 4th year in the primary school… I cried a lot for leaving my friends and my lovely teachers in my previous school, but I had nothing to do about this... I went to the new school for the first day, and it was the time of the break between classes in the middle of the day… it was forbidden that day, to go down to the ground to play… but one of the girls in my class, her name was “Amal Ismael”, I don’t know where she had gone since our 1st year in the preparatory school and I don’t wanna know, all I remember is that I met her by accident in my 1st or 2nd year in my secondary school …well, that girl suggested to get down to buy some sweets and that stuff… let me explain something before going on this, it was very usual to break the rules in my previous private school, and it was my first day in the new private school also, so I expected that it would be ok and nothing would happen if I went down to buy some sweets…
So, we went down… and there was the hard surprise… the headmaster “Mr.Awad”, a hard tough strong tall man, with his harsh voice and his long white beard caught us... I don’t remember what her reaction was; I remember that she tried to run away, but I don’t remember whether she was caught or not, all I remember is that he screamed at me with his harsh voice, then I got the four hard uninterrupted slaps... it was my first and last time in my life to be slapped… I ran away to go up to my class, I remember that I had my head up to look, before I reach the stairs, to find that all the school students and teachers had seen what had happened from the rails of the up floors… I remember also that there was no one to do anything, they were all afraid of the headmaster, he was the man whom got all the students in their places in their classes with no one dared to talk to the student in the very nearest place to him/her in the break, if he decided to inspect the classes… and it was out of fear rather than discipline!!!
I hadn’t stopped crying that day loudly even in the classes and I remember that no teacher dared to ease my tears though they were all feeling sorry for me… the only few words I remember were from a teacher called “Miss.Azza”, she said:” Oh dear, you would get used to this after a while”…
I went home that day and I expected that the next day I may return to my previous school, or at least I would have an apology from someone… but I remember that my parents did nothing towards this… I don’t want to aggrieve them, but I always tell myself, if they had done anything I would have remembered it now, as I remember those four slaps… and even if they had done something passively and I hadn’t known about what happened, do you think that a 9 years old child who had been deserted in time of need from the closest persons ever, would consider passive actions to get his/her rights back?? .. all I remember is that mom called dad on the phone and said:” doesn’t he know that slapping someone on the cheek is forbidden in our religion??”… I remember no action after that conversation…and unfortunately it wasn’t the single time when my parents’ let me down...
Actually, my parents aren’t the only people whom let me down; I had felt this many many times… I’ve no intention to talk about this now…sometimes, that awful feeling was a trigger of much more nice other feelings and actions…
By writing and remembering all those bad memories, I found out that I had to thank someone, someone who gave me special moments when I felt secure for the first time in my life, he did this unconsciousnessly, and he had no intention of giving me so, but I felt this through his actions as a friend, to feel that you have someone to get your rights back, and ask you if you are satisfied or not… to feel that you had nothing to fear from or about when you are there with that one… I’d like to thank you for giving me a chance to release my soul and my hands without being afraid of anything, and you wasn’t aware of what may security mean for a girl, and more to say, for a girl like me, who was never protected, even from the closest persons whom are supposed to undertake this…I don’t have enough words, or fertile imagination to describe this feeling which I would never forget, though I’d never felt but for once… but all I have for this moment is to say “thank you my friend, you did me alot”...
