Every year I’m used to evaluate myself, my behavior and my attitude as a whole… this evaluation session usually is held in August… Dunno why August exactly but it maybe because August is the month in the middle of the summer holiday; I spend the first half of the holiday hanging out, sleeping, talking on the phone and watching movies, Then I begin at the second half of the holiday (August) to evaluate myself so as to get to the weakpoints whether they are characteristics or values need to be adjusted according to the personal and environmental consecutive changes.
This year I had not done this process the same way I use to do every year… instead; I had my mind so relaxed that it seemed to me as if it was a slacker which is totally unconscious…
to find myself after a month feeling so angry…
what had happened is that I was unaware of what I was doing internally… this time I was not evaluating myself or my behavior… but I was evaluating my relationships… of course every year I had used to evaluate my relationships as well… but this evaluation was done from my side or to my side… I was evaluating what I had done badly to the relations I’m having whether they are present relations or relations in the past; evaluating the lessons and learning from them…
this year my evaluation was quite different; I was evaluating the relations from the others’ side; by other means I was evaluating my gains from each relation I’m in nowadays… for the first time I do so… I was always evaluating what the others shall gain from me; and try to make more for them… I’m not declaring being an angel but I know well I’m always trying to make my friends happy…
The thing I had noticed this year that I’m so angry; the anger that I was hindering for the last years trying to convince myself that it maybe me who is the mistaken and who should be more flexible and adaptable… I found myself telling “enough… I got sick of this”… I felt being not satisfied with my relationships; I found most of them are not satisfying either psychologically, or mentally … some of them are very overloading and demanding to the extent that I found that I get nothing from this relation… of course no one gets nothing from a relationship; always there is a giver and a taker who should agree about each other’s percentage of either giving or taking and of what they should give and what they should take… i should be giving and taking of each relation I’m in… but what if the percent I’m giving is too tiring; and the percent I’m taking is too oppressing…
of course every issue has two sides; I’ve tried to get to the other perspective; to look at the full half of the glass… what if I’m taking what I’m not in a need of??... What if my friends are giving me by a good percent what I’m not feeling or I’m not thinking I need in the present…
but I’m always trying to give them all what I think they need; all what I would need if I were them… so what if I’m giving them too much of what they don’t need; so they don’t appreciate and they don’t give me a satisfactory return??... I think that if they were unsatisfied by what I think I’m doing; they would have not been that happy with me...I feel they are happy; they kept on telling me that they are happy when I did them something they like and even sometimes I may do somethings they don’t expect… I think I’m about to solve this conflict from this side…
also if they are unsatisfied with what I’m doing; they would not had missed those tiny things they were missing from me the few last weeks… I don’t know what to do know with my this increasing feeling of unsatisfaction… maybe I need to regard other aspects in my relationships… maybe I need to regard the full half in each personality but I swear that I’m already doing this with some relations I’m in and this is so overloading because I may regard some bright aspects of a friend’s personality which are not affecting me or s/he is not using to affect me… I keep hoping of this bright side of his/her personality and doing the good wishing that this bright side is affecting our relationship and then I find that I’m doing much more than I could be affected by the good of this relation… this of course is not the rule for all my relationships; but some of them…
I began to send an implicit message to each friend I’m considering a partner with me in a relation we have; his/her response would be the light which may lead me to the decision
I have two temporarily choices; from which I need to choose till I make my final decision… both are hard for me to implement and to deal with the consequences:
1- To go back one step and reconstruct all the unsatisfactory relations based on the new circumstances and the extent to which I need this relation. This would lead me to an empty soul with an empty circle…I may lose in this process two or three of the very few people who are still in…
2- To go on and move and keep everything as it is till I have my battery completely empty with nothing left to be given to anyone..
Really I have no idea of what to be done…
