Duality

Last week was full of many extra-contradicted feelings, moods and situations… I, as usual, accept and expect these contradictions and thanks Allah I deal with gracefully… this duality is a distinguishing characteristic of the Gemini persons... I’ve realized that my friends, whom are reacting to my duality openly, always find my actions and justifications are so clear, always give me excuses… on the other side, my friends whom don’t have a projection of duality, and how shall it affect someone reactions, are always complaining that I’m hiding something that I don’t want to talk about and that I’m the mysterious one whom can’t be reacted to easily…

The past concept was so clear in my actions and reactions, and others’ reactions last week… in the coming few points I’ll expose my evidences on this in a glance:

• It began with this comment from Rana, a friend in my group the lovely TopGirlsGroup, who had visited me last week with Marwa, Heba and Omnyia: “ how do you pretend that you are in you black mood, which prevents you from preparing for our coming Dish-Party… while I find you laughing loudly that much and telling jokes… I can see that you are so nice today, to the extent that I may declare that you are passing through very calm peaceful days… are you trying to sneak with us?? Just please admit it, Ghada…and even-if you have something that bothers you, you won’t ever have anything in your life much worse than what I’m facing nowadays... and you see me in all celebrations and occasions … and I can tell that you are just sneaking, no more”… Omnyia gestured to show that she agreed…
• I don’t know actually why I let my anger to blow up that much while talking about that topic, although it was a very nice day from the beginning to the extent that I was so eager to finish all my work as a T.A. for this year represented in marking all the system analysis papers in only that day, and I did it.. But at night, when this topic was mentioned, I got extremely angry, although nothing was new and nearly nothing was mentioned!!!...
  I went back in my darkest mood, although I’d just left it for only a day!!!...
• My birthday, that lovely day which had begun from 12:00 am Sunday to 12:00 am Monday…Really this day, it was a memorable day… all the people surrounding me succeeded in making that day magnificent… I found out how much I’m blessed with the people I know, really I mean each word in this… - add to this the comment Dr.Seyam said yesterday when I’d shown him the people I’m going to send a message on Facebook asking for help with a problem I’m facing... he said:”Ghada, really you have a very nice collection of people around you.. Really nice friends”… add to them yourself my friend ;) -

Well, the past paragraph was entirely a side-note in this point... what I wanted to mention indeed in this point is the following situation:

He called me on the morning and I couldn’t make it, because I was asleep… I intended to call him back later, but he called me again around 6:00 pm, I wondered about the reason for the call, but I found him for the first time since we knew each other – 3 years ago- remembering my birthday and calling to wish me a happy year… I was so happy with this call really, because I didn’t expect it from this friend… and a minute after, I got also that he called me to talk, because he always tells me that he feels comfortable after talking with an understanding friend like me – this is a compliment I’m very proud of, because he isn’t the person that can easily praise someone-… well, if he only was calling to say happy birthday to me, I’d be very happy... But if he was calling to talk with me, I’d be above the sky… What-if he was calling to do both?!!! …

The duality here exists in my reactions to this relation, I feel like I’m doing my best thanks Allah, and he is a best friend indeed... but what I feel nowadays is like a sea with calm waves, in other words, I hate the static nature this relation had taken recently… only one side is talking and one side is listening, and we may exchange roles in the second turn… I hate calm waves, and this relation wasn’t so in the past, we were interacting much more dynamically, though we –both -are much more rational nowadays… I don’t mean that I need troubles or I like and search for them, but I mean that I hate static relations and static calls, or static meetings which lack to something new or something exciting even in the way of handling conversations… static relations make me feel things faded, and I begin to predict the fast end of the whole matter, though this is not the case here for this relation.. I feel it would live long Inshaa Allah…

A side-note that I shall mention here, just for documentation purposes:

in this call, he kept on asking me whether I have new things or new upcoming events, and I kept on telling him that life is so boring nowadays and nothing new… then he said this statement literally: ” isn’t there a guy who is proposing to you nowadays??”.. I told him:”No”… he said:”are you sure??”... I said:” yes, believe me, there isn’t”… and a sequence of related questions…

As most girls, I couldn’t prevent myself from asking myself the “what-if question”… it was a “what-if” from his side, not mine… specially that I feel nowadays that he is trying to regain the relation shape as it was 3 years ago, and he is trying to get closer as he was before…

but as Ghada, in those situations, I tend more to find many excuses, especially that I know him well, I know how much he is caring and curious as well, I know that he may ask me this question expecting that I’d deal with it the right way… add to this that I know all his previous stories…

• “Oh, my friend… you would always appear in Love, even-if you may not be actually in Love… you tend to go with all your senses in each story, each song as If you were a part of it” …said be Marwa, a year ago….
  I was already in love when she said this quote, I thought that this was really the reason for the impression she had, so if I’m not in love, I may be unable to go deeply with my soul in any story I hear from a friend… I may be unable to read lovers’ eye-signs, and I may be unable to find excuses for their actions and cases… this was my theorem about myself
  Last week I saw a film that – thanks Allah- refuted my theorem about myself… this film was entitled “P.S. I Love you”… without going on its details, I shall say that I was so content to feel that I was so affected and impressed by its story although I’m not in love nowadays…
  Another proof on my wrong theorem is that I had a conversation during which I felt as if words are like a frozen hammer, hitting strongly my mind, in a very hot day to the extent that made me smell the stench of my grilled mind...Teshsshshshhh!!!
• Actually I don’t know what I want exactly, I got so angry – though it was so deeply buried anger- when I had heard what contradicted the words I’d heard before, though I knew those the words I heard before were to some extent spelled out to sympathy me, but they to a great extent satisfied my ego, to the extent that I expected them again… I don’t know why my black-sided personality – which I don’t feel I can conform to- tends to appear strongly on the surface nowadays… it may be a result of this huge amount of frustration that my dreamy-sided or white-sided personality brought me… but it mustn’t be an excuse for not keeping a tight rein on my straying horse…

Final note: I enjoy my duality to the extreme… I always feel that it is the blessing which makes my life better and lifts up my days from the well of boredom, which I may fall into as a result of the unified sides of actions and moods… this gives me the ability to surf all kinds of waves, put on all styles, deal with all types, penetrating all minds…