Deeply freezed

I don’t know why I feel this cold shiver inside right now…although there is a punch of happy events hitting persons around nowadays, and I’m one of those events’ makers; if I shall consider my master registration process a happy event; but three days ago I began to feel that shiver inside, although I’m supposed to be above the sky for all the events around, I found myself trying hardly not to cry… despite the hassle and the buzz I’m living nowadays and my life which had turned to be based mainly on hanging out everyday and night for the whole of 9 months…I don’t know whether it is a result of this hurt and the disequilibrium it caused in all my relations or it is one of the consequences of the self-evaluation process I’d passed through or it is only a cycle of the mood… but I feel so lonely, despite my boisterous life which is full of activities and events… I feel – but for maybe two or three close friends- that I’m a lonely person with many miscalculations… I doubt each phone I have, each relation I’m into, even- if it is a predetermined relation with predetermined intensions and motives but I find myself asking the same question again and again “why?? When?? How??”… I find myself for the first time refusing to get a place in a community, because I have a feeling that the community I had decided to be a part of and worked on being so, refusing me or ignoring me… or it is about life which I seem to have misunderstood many times again and again… I found myself for the first time satisfied by being in the shaded area and deeply inside not satisfied as it seems to be… I found myself tender to give less, take less, know less, participate less, laugh silently- almost smile- , cry deeply with no voice or no tears, complain less, say a little or maybe nothing at all even when I want to tell, give up persons and relations easily, less sorry, more regretful for what I’ve said or done for others specially friends, doubting all persons and expecting fast breakups…

For the first time I realize that I’m walking without looking through the faces and inside peoples’ eyes trying - as I used to do before- to surf their souls and personalities through their eyes… maybe looking through the souls is the misdeed I must admit, the misdeed that led me now to write this entry… now I’m going with no remarks, no words, no laughs, no tears… and no exceptions…

Really I hadn’t expected that much break inside; I thought I was stronger than it all and I’d manage it as I did three years ago when I was run out of principles and values, but I found out that it was the last one which I lost this time… it is now feelings’ bankruption era with freeze deep inside, with almost no laugh, no loud ones, and also no tears, no hot ones… with no heartfelt meanings even those bad ones…

“I’d like to" Vs. "I’m capable of”

This idea is triggered by a daydream I was thinking of one day and making the whole scenario with all the possibilities of the scene…

“What –if X had declared it one day, and I was in a situation that I must respond to him either with acceptance or by refusal??” [Actually, X is a variable with an associated value that I won’t tell here]

I had remembered this day NOT in the middle of the mind refreshment process I’m experiencing nowadays through a period of remembering many quotes, events, places, and situations which I can’t justify why I remember those things specially nowadays; the only reasonable justification is that I’m preparing my mind to receive new records and entries of the new year after the evaluation process I passed through the last couple of months.

Back to the main topic; the real reason for remembering that daydream was the question Yasmine asked me last time we were together:”howa law X et2dem leeky twaf2y??” [I was astonished as she told the same scene I was imagining before, but unlike the previous version of my personality; I’m going to be cooler and I’ll tend not to make matches and fateful conclusions this time; specially that there would be no action resulting from any conclusion as the answer was in the daydream and to my friend’s question the same:”No, of course”… and also the justification was the same: “because he trusts no one… and I tend to be so, I believe I doubt each fact, person, word till the contrast is proven and sometimes nothing is never proven… even if I show that I’m welcoming anyone, any fact, any word…and he is also a nice actor of the same drama…[this wasn’t an installed feature on me; instead it is a result of a sequence of unpleasant beneficial facts, events I passed through and persons I stepped over]

I need someone to keep me safe or at least to make me feel safe and he doesn’t feel safe or secure; so how shall he give me what I need mainly in my life, while he doesn’t have?... he won’t be able to give me something he needs and can’t find as well…

To explain what I aim at more; let’s consider the scene of some guy surrounding a girl’s shoulder with his arms… there would be three possibilities for his intensions of doing so:

-The pure desire trigger [male/ female view]

-The pure love trigger [lover-to-lover view]

-The pure love/manhood trigger [mixed (lover/man)-to-(lover/woman) view]

Let’s bypass the interpretation of the scene as it is out of scope here and analyze the remaining two scenes,

The masculine lover in the second scene was offering love and protection… of course anyone who offers his love to someone offers care and will to protect as well… but the quote said here might be like saying:”hey, I’d like to protect you; you shall feel safe when we are together”… nice expected feelings but with no guarantees of the actions and the consequences…

The masculine lover in the third scene like this one in the second scene was offering love and protection… BUT unlike him, the quote here is like saying:”girl; I’m capable of protecting you; you are safe and you must feel it for being with me”

Yes; you may say that in both cases there is no evidence or guarantee of the consequences and actions… yes; this is true, BUT there are always possibilities and expectations read from the personality themes you are dealing with and tend to analyze…

In my daydream; I shall be the feminine lover of the second scene; he can’t offer me what he doesn’t have initially… always and forever; feeling secure would be the magical entrance to internal peace; and no one of us shall guarantee this for the other…

I aspire – as all girls do – to be the feminine lover of the third scene to feel home with my lover regardless the surrounding circumstances or possibilities… it is just like you got all what you need by a scrub… you can now sleep safely, welcome home; no matter what lies behind the windows/outside you arms

It would be like watching two guys killing each other in the street; but it won’t make any sense as long as nothing would approach me as long as I’m looking through the windows/ from behind your back

If I’m going to bear someone who will never offer me what I’m in a bad need of; and I pretended to do without this thing and tried to give him what he needs [in case, we both are seeking the same thing] I’d be able to do so for a while but not so long, because one day I’d find no one recharging my battery; because he won’t be able to give me in return… my giving will in this case would be out of persistence not out of having what he sought…and as a result we both would feel that emptiness and we both would give it up so soon because who doesn’t own something can’t give it in return…

The scene of “I’d like to…I’m capable of” can be used also to prove the antithesis of what mom told me one day concerning my pals, whom I think they can’t act like responsible… she was arguing that if they are in charge of something they would be able to undertake it but I shall tell that each conclusion should have some origins or givens used to get to that conclusion…those givens are based on psychological, environmental and behavioral facts about those persons which would need further analysis to have a conclusion which would be specific to the personality in question…

7 Little Tricks To Speak In Public With No Fear

This article is copied from: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-little-tricks-to-speak-in-public-with-no-fear.html

There was once a time when I had no fear. I was 11 years old and I entered a story telling competition. I was confidently telling the story and captured everyone’s attention until suddenly I heard a voice from just in front of the stage commenting about my nose. It’s totally disastrous from that moment on. I lost focus and forgot the script altogether. That’s the exact time that I began to have a certain fear of public speaking.

Over the years, I finally overcome my fear of public speaking. I can now speak at any function unprepared and even though the nervousness is still there, I am able to control it. It was not easy but I made it with some help from books and a few techniques I develop myself.

Hopefully these tricks will be able to help you as they had helped me in overcoming fear of public speaking.

1) Admit nervousness

All you have to do is admit that you are a bit nervous speaking to your audience. When you do this, the audience will be more forgiving if your nervousness shows up later on. More importantly you will feel more relaxed now that they are not expecting a world-class presentation. Imagine their surprise when you gave them the best presentation ever despite your nervousness.

The best way to do this is by joking about it. Here’s an example of a good one. “On the way here, only God and I knew what I will be presenting. (looking a bit nervous) Now, only God knows.”

2) Redefine your audience

Redefine your audience generally means changing how you see your audience. Instead of seeing them as lecturers who are evaluating you, maybe you can convince yourself that they are all fellow students who are in queue to present after you. They are all equally nervous so there is no reason why you should be too.

Or perceive them as long lost friends that you haven’t seen for 10 years. This way you can maintain eye contact trying to figure out where you have seen him before. To the audiences, they will see a very friendly and personal presentation.

Do not try to convince yourself that they are babies in diapers or that nobody is around as suggested by some books. It is very hard to convince yourself that no one is around when you are actually speaking to them.

3) Invest in visual aids

Imagine a presentation with beautiful PowerPoint slides and even more impressive notes given to each of your audience members. Half of the time, their eyes will not be on you. They will read through the notes and your fancy slides. This will help a lot as you can then speak to the people who are not looking at you. When they look at you, you just change your focus to other people who are not looking. Giving a speech to people who are not looking at you is always easier.

4) Make mistakes intentionally

This is another trick I encourage you to try. Once I “accidentally” dropped my notes on the floor, and while picking them up, I warned the audiences that the presentation will be more confusing after this. I heard some laughter from the floor.

The idea is to gain control of your audience. If you can make them laugh and be more interactive with you, your presentation will have that casual feel to it which will make it more memorable than others. Ultimately you will find it easier to do.

5) Speak to one person at a time

One of the most terrifying things about public speaking is the crowd. Just by looking at the crowd, all in silence just to hear you speak, will send shivers down your spine. To overcome this, you just need to speak to one person at a time.

Choose one member of your audience and dedicate your whole presentation to him or her. Just assume that everyone else is not paying attention. When someone asks you a question, change your focus to that person and answer the question as if the two of you are in a coffee shop chatting away. Isn’t that the most relaxing way to handle a crowd?

6) Be impressive with personal opinion

Just like blogging, everyone can copy an article and paste it onto their blog. However, people read blogs not only to know about things happening but to know what that particular blogger’s opinion is on the matter.

When you speak or give a presentation, try to squeeze in a few of your personal thoughts on the matter. Of course these should be prepared early on. However, you should make it as if the ideas are “just in” while you are presenting. That will differentiate your presentation from the rest, and when you see the interested look on the faces of your audience, it will elevate your presentation to another new level, a level where you start having fun.

7) Have fun experimenting

This is the most important tips of all. Have fun with the crowd. Try new ways to give the best presentation to your audience. Maybe experiment with a new funny approach, or walk around the hall instead of being static on the stage. Have fun with experimenting on human behavior and you will see that public speaking is not that bad after all.

Remember that there are no failures, only different results.