Realization

I can’t mention how much I’ve been comforted when I read on Haitham’s blog that he had misunderstood Doaa’s change. Actually, I don’t know why I felt so guilty when I read his entry where he accused her of being ingrateful to Dr.Seyam – he hadn’t mentioned this literally but I got it- and he misunderstood her change after getting engaged…

although, he mentioned me in the same entry but I wasn’t worried that much about myself like my worry about his idea of Doaa because of the following facts:

1. I know that Haitham knows me well, and we can handle our misunderstandings as we’d done many times before

2. I know that Dr.Seyam and Dr.Sum aren’t the persons to be easily deceived or misled by someone’s behavior so if Doaa is the one of those who may be turned one day to be ingrateful person to all what they did for her, they might have figured that out from the first sight

3. Haitham hadn’t dealt with Doaa for enough time to figure out her personality clearly, and the relation between them was about no more than educational activities... So, I felt I’m to some extent responsible for his idea about her, although I don’t remember that I had ever mentioned Doaa in any conversation with Haitham and I’m not involved in the situation he mentioned in his story in anyway… but maybe it is the feeling that I’m the link between my group and Haitham was the trigger of the feeling of being guilty and feeling responsible for clarifying any misunderstanding may both sides have about the other

I hurried to ask Dr.Seyam if he really feels what Haitham had written on his blog – although, I was certain that he isn’t but I wanted to be sure- and he confirmed that he doesn’t feel so

Unfortunately, I couldn’t talk with Haitham about what he’d written because I know it isn’t the right time to discuss anything now ... he is in an unsettled temper and we – both- are on the edge…

So, I had to wait with my horrible feeling till the situation gets clearer…

Now, I can’t imagine how much I’m relieved by his new entry, but there are some important notes to mention:

· My feeling now explained his anger when I mentioned one of his friends badly... I thought that the reason for his anger is that his friend is closer to him than me and this disturbed me a lot… but now I felt the same, although Doaa isn’t my closest friend, I felt worried and disturbed for finding him thinking of her that way… so when he felt angry for his friend it was all about the responsibility he felt towards his friendship with the guy..

· Haitham is – as he always was- strong enough to declare that he is wrong or sorry for something - and it is not a shortage, on the contrary, it is a point of strength- even if he insisted on his opinion while he was angry, this reminds me of my long bad continuous experience with anger which drives me badly to do or to tell things I may regret or need to rollback after I become stable again…

But anyhow, thanks Allah this situation ended that way

*Tomorrow we are heading for Cairo if Allah will to attend Doaa’s wedding… this time I’m the responsible for the trip as a whole

*Next week I’m supposed to give two lectures and till now I don’t know anything about what I’m going to talk about, also I’m supposed to give two sections (Dr.Seyam’s lovely system design sections, really I enjoy those sections so much, not as he always expects) and also till now I’ve not prepared what I’m going to give in the sections

*Finally, the awful sections in the faculty of pharmacy had come to an end, the remaining step is only the practical examination

*A week ago, I began the final deals step in the preparation for our graduation party ceremony… I’ll talk about this in greater detail later… but for now, I want to mention that I enjoy this experience so much

Flexibility

The question I’m asking myself nowadays “Do I lack flexibility?!!!!”….

Mom always describes me as being inflexible… so focused on one matter and had no way but my way… I know that this description maybe applied on many other psychological definitions like selfishness, self-centering, being narrow- minded … but she meant being inflexible…

What I’ve regarded about myself nowadays is that she maybe right about that but if she took another meaning for flexibility… the meaning I’m aiming at is to be unable to adapt to new circumstances and changes in personalities’ behaviors

Let’s have some examples on that:

·Mom herself, to a great extent, she ‘d changed her view of life and her way in dealing with all the surrounding people in the family and of course I’m one of the affected ones by this versatility… what is annoying me is that now I can’t adapt to her changes. I can’t adapt to the fact that I may ask anyone on the earth for advice except for her, because If I asked her, she wouldn’t be willing to help me …really I tried this many times and I had the same results at the end. It not her to be blamed for the tremendously increasing distance between us. I have my part in that also, but she had about 75% of the responsibility for how the relation between us turned to be…

Now, why can’t I adapt??...although I feel I can’t get back to our previous status because I know that whatever I do it won’t appeal to mom, but also I find myself can’t adapt to her change

· The one whom I love, I was shocked by his sudden change… he has changed his way by 180 degrees, actually I don’t know what went wrong with him or what I did wrong… I guess my only mistake was to love him... though he is a great man to be loved, but we seem to be not going to make it right together one day… so I must force myself to give up that dream and trying to make another dream comes true… the other dream maybe about a great friendship with him… it is a difficult change, very difficult to view the same situation from two different aspects, and act accordingly, and I’m the one who must adapt to the other viewpoint… not him, and please it is not the right time to ask (why!!!!) … but this is another situation which I can’t adapt to...

The absolute change in his behavior shocked me actually, as this change contrasts with the triggers that arose that love inside me… [Safety]

But after his change, I’m now convinced that we may find – together – another methodology to use while dealing with each other… maybe this would be the first action we take together from a long time ago, with a great comprehension – from my side- that changing my way dealing with him would be the right choice…

But will I adapt easily to my new decision or I may choose to run away and escape from my feelings which chase and hit me even in my dreams!!!

I want to mention here, just for documentation, that for a month I had the same nightmare, where horses are chasing me and hitting me badly while I’m crossing the road to the other side, when I revised a website Dr.Mervat gave to me I found that horses are indicators of emotions we are trying to get rid of and escape…