"One vampire's bite brings another one's birth"

مش عارفه أنا هأكتب إيه دلوقتى... اول مره أفتح الوورد عشان بس اكتب أو أصرخ ... بس حقيقى مش عندى تصوّر معين أنا ممكن أكون عاوزه إيه من البوست دى النهارده... خايفه إنى أكتب حاجه توجعنى بعد كده لو قريتها... بس اللى مخلينى أكمل هو موجة مصارحة ومواجهة النفس اللى أنا عايشاها اليومين دول... كمان انا عارفه كويس إن مينفعش أزعل بعدين على حاجه كنت حاساها فى وقت معين ... عشان كل وقت وليه ظروفه ومواقفه اللى متصل بيها مجموعه من الاحاسيس... مفيش إحساس غلط ..بس ف إحساس غلط إن نحسه فى وقت معين.. أو نفضل حاسينه لمجرد إننا حسيناه قبل كده ونفع معانا...ده الغلط... فأنا حاسه إنى مش هأوجع نفسى بعد كده باللى هأكتبه ده ...

كنت دايما بصاحب ناس غريبه عنى ... مختلفين عنى تماما ... كنت باحب كده لأنى كنت بأتعلم أكتر من اختلافاتنا دى.. كنت ساعات ممكن أصاحب ناس شخصياتهم ومبادئهم مش زيى أبدا... كانوا أصحابى فى حد ذاتهم فيهم تشكيله وتنوع غريب جدا لدرجة إنى كنت ببقى حاسه إنى محتاجه أقلب ألف موود وموود عشان اتعامل معاهم... كل اللى حواليا فعلا كانوا بيندهشوا بإنى بأتعامل مع كل الناس كل واحد بطريقته... وبدماغه.. وبأتلون .. وكل حد فيهم كان بيحس إننا قريبين جدا... كنت فخوره جدا بعلاقاتى... اللى بعضها كنت بأعتبرها نوع من ترويض الأسود.. وده لأن درجة التباعد بينى وبين صاحبى او صاحبتى فيها كان عالى أوى ومع ذلك كننا بنحس بتناغم عالى أوى أنا وهو أو انا وهى نستغربله جدا...

لحد ماصاحبت واحد من مصاصى الدماء... وكنت مبسوطه أوى بنفسى إنى كنت قادره أروضه وأأمن شره وأثبت للناس إنه أليف... لكنه على غفله فى رقصه معاه عضنى... والأسطورة واضحه جدا لو عضك مصاص دماء هتتحول وتبقى زيه ..مصاص دماء برده ... انا مش افتكرت الحكايه دى إلا النهارده .. أما حسيت بقد إيه أنا بقيت قاسيه مع الناس اللى بيحبونى .. أو مش قاسيه بس بأطلب كتير بالذات من القريبين .. وكأن هما اللى لازم يأمنولى إنهم مش يطلعوا مصاصين دماء فى الآخر.. مع إنهم مفيش ليهم ذنب ف اللى جرالى .. بالعكس دول كانوا بيحاولوا يحمونى...

بجد حاسه وحش أوى... أنا فعلا مش أنانيه ولا وحشه من جوايا كده ... أنا بحب كل الناس وعمرى ماكنت بأدوس على حد بالعكس أنا ممكن أدوس على نفسى عشان اللى حواليا.. وده برده غلط... بس أقصد إنى عمرى ما كنت أنانيه...واما آجى أبقى وحشه وأجيب حقى من الدنيا أتدوّر على اللى بيحبونى وبيخافوا عليا بجد!!!
حاسه إنى فى طريقى إنى أتحوّل وأبقى زى اللى عمل معايا كده الله يجازيه..أو يمكن أنا فعلا بقيت كده وأنا مش حاسه... بس بجد أنا بأقاوم ده ...عارف الإنسان اللى فجأة يتحول لكل اللى كان بيرفضه قبل كده؟؟ انا فعلا مش عارفه أنا بقيت كده وللا أنا اللى مكبره الموضوع... بس كل اللى حاساه إنى بقيت حد غير نفسى.. وأنا نِفسى أرجع نَفسى تانى..بجد يارب ميكونش ظنى صح ... حاسه إنى فى طريقى للجنون.. يارب أكون بس بيتهيألى... هأموت من الخوف....بجد آسفه أوى لنفسى ولكل اللى حواليا... أنا لازم أكون أقوى من كده....

A new chapter

Today I’ve faced a situation which is not the first of this type. For the whole of 16 months I’m facing this same situation. While reading this entry you may ask yourself “if it is not a new state, so why she decided to write about it especially today”… my simple answer would be: because I finally decided to think about a solution, hoping that I may get to apply it soon and believing that facing problems is the best way to overcome them.

My problem nowadays is that I totally get hesitated about what I’m doing for someone or what I’m going to do for someone, feeling that I’m doing much more than what should be done.

Please, don’t misjudge my personality or my intentions. I’m not such arrogant or the self- conceited person that my words may represent. On the contrary, my friends used to describe my as “a giver”, when I was a student I used to be a community servant. Of course there are heavy reasons for my attitude to be changed that much, I’m not going to talk about them because they were mentioned thousands of times in my entries during the last 16 months. I’m just going to exhibit the problem I’m facing and the solutions suggested by one of my closest friends.

16 months ago, I began to think many times before doing any favor or any good thing for anyone. Maybe some people would find it the normal way of thinking because you should not do the good to all people all the time. You should choose to do the good things for those who deserve. But it was not my normal to do so, I was doing the good things for all people believing that even if they did not appreciate it, those good things may save me one day because they would be added to my good acts as a human being. I thought people are not measured by their achievements as much as they are measured; for me; by their good acts to their fellows and friends. Till I met someone who had proved to me that there are people who can make some achievements stepping on the others [and to the irony situation they are not even the great achievements which may deserve acting the arrogant one]. I turned to be the one I’m describing. Today I was suffering a great conflict. I was thinking whether to do something which would make a close friend very happy and would tire me a lot especially that I saw it coming and to take the risk of lack of appreciation or not to do it and lose the chance to create a memorable event with my friend, to make one of her wishes come true. This friend I believe she does not put things and people in their right perspective. Many people would find it normal to choose the second choice, but it is not my normal. I used to behave like Santa clause who makes wishes come true despite being unhappy. The evidence on not being in my normal is to have such conflict, because in my normal state, I will choose happily the first choice without thinking even for once of the returns I would gain. I was only interested on seeing this proud, happy look in my friends’ eyes. I traced this feeling to the extent that I enabled some people to abuse my feelings and interests.

I was talking to my companion, my honest mirror who had a solution based on choosing from two choices:

1- To continue giving, and in this case I should not regret anything I do for anyone because I’m the one who chose to do. It was an extra offer I made, so I should not blame anyone for not giving me in return, even if I was betrayed I should not feel ingratitude.

2- Not to give anymore, and in this case I should not feel bad for not doing anything for anyone or not having a hand over anyone’s life.

I feel these two choices are so definite; they are of the black/ white types. I love black/ white, but unfortunately I was not satisfied this time. I feel there is something missing about me which I can’t discover till now. I feel that anyone I’m doing something for should turn to be a partner in the action once I decided to do for her/him. Unfortunately, my mirror did not share this thinking with me; he thinks I’m the responsible totally and partially for the action since I decided to take over, because it was my offer in the first place, not the other’s demand. My mirror thinks that I’m now not able to control my acts, because I try to do good things to people around me while I’m feeling bad inside, so oneday the people I’m doing things for would realize that I’m doing things while feeling bad then they would feel bad and feel mad at me so my good intensions would be turned on me negatively.

I can’t make a decision!! Nowadays, I turned to be so impatient to wait for the returns in life as a whole. I think of the returns specifically from the person I did for, so I can’t choose the first choice. But I feel this is not a wise thinking, good acts always work for the person’s interest sooner or later. I always hope I get back to my natural instinct and this is what terrifies me of choosing the second choice. I hate being the pale person, I always believe that everyone’s existence in another person’s life should be for a reason and I’m always trying to have an effective existence in anyone’s life.

Am I mistaken? If you think I’m not please help me to make a decision J

a message in a bottle

I’ve seen your note entitled “the promise” and I thought I may comment as the topic reminded me of a situation I’d experienced with one of my friends long ago…

I had his promise to be friends forever… I had his promise to remain together and to be for him as he was for me… I can tell you that we were back to back and side by side… I thought it was a very special relation which I hadn’t experienced before …and I think he felt the same as he told me this in a call oneday… the same call in which he gave me his promises and I think he was so honest that day…

I was so honest and so loyal to him and I think he knew this… I thought I should do my best in this relationship as I considered it a long term- investment, you can call it a life-range investment as I was in it by my all and I’m not exaggerating in telling so… even if he had not felt so, but this was my all and I think he felt the implications of being in by my all…

Suddenly all the words and the promises had gone with the wind with no obvious reason… I really searched for the reason and I hadn’t found a single one…

I didn’t find my friend when I needed him… and really I needed him… while I think he always found me by him… in his sorrows before his happiness…

I felt ingratitude and infidelity…

I’ve tried my best to keep him… but I felt that he did not want to exert an effort to keep me...

I remember that he did nothing to keep his promises to me … he caused me to feel all what you’ve mentioned in your note…

Do you think I was mistaken to try to keep him??

Do you think I should have not taken his promises seriously from the beginning and acting upon?? Because as you know promises imply commitments and related issues the simplest of them is trying to keep the relation; the baseline of it, at least its structure. If I had not believed him once he gave me his word I think I would have not been sorry and feeling betrayed that much.

You mistakenly may think I’m talking while expecting I did no mistakes; but truly I’ve searched for those mistakes which caused the promises to turn to their opposites in my story and I had not found...

I can conclude that many promises can be broken when the person who gave the promise for some reason decides to pull his word back or to ignore the promise and forget it, mostly misevaluating the other person's ability to be aligned with the promise; ignoring that once s/he gave his/her word to someone; it becomes a deliberate property between the two persons. No one of them has the right to give it away by his/her own without warning the other person. I don’t know whether this applies to the situation you mentioned in your note; but this is my situation.

I think you will think again about your notes’ privacy settings after this message… but thanks anyhow for having the chance to see that you may think about your words oneday...

I think getting feedback from those who you had given words before, is more viable than getting feedback from those who you had not… hoping that you may get feedback from those who you were thinking of while you were writing this note.