Reasons why E-learning fails there...

I was searching inside for the last two years to find an answer of why I’m very opponent of the drastic trend of e-learning in our faculty; why I always find myself telling that “he3he3he3” once someone begins advising me about working on e-learning development in our faculty; and it was the same “he3he3he3” that I told dr.Waleed when he suggested that I may work with graduation projects to obtain the application of my MSc research point…

A week ago, I’d found out the answer of my unjustified refusal of e-learning, it was all about the unstructured environment we work on in our faculty… let’s explain the idea more; once I begin working on a research point I won’t be able to precisely estimate the deliverables or what shall my conclusions be from the beginning… to be able to see clearly I would need a safe, riskless environment to apply my theorems fully and truly, then the results would be used as a basis for the measurement of all the main concept I’m mainly building my dissertation upon and then this would be a point to derive all the possible versions of the scenario in question… after all; I’d be able to manage any risky, ambiguous circumstances I’m supposed to work through…

But what if I’ve tried to work at first mainly on a risky environment such as this one present in our faculty?? The answer is very simple; catastrophic incomplete results, and I would be deceiving myself if I took them as the measurement basis because they don’t represent the ideal or even a realistic state… ok, but I’m so sure that much that e-learning environment is a defective one, or this one would lead to incomplete results? Ok to answer this question I must apply it first on my research point which is composed of two main concepts (Agile Software Development + Service-Oriented Architecture)…so e-learning would be an unstructured risky environment to apply my research point on because:

1.There are no collaborative workgroups of researchers like those we find on the other international universities all over the world, so I must depend mainly on undergraduates’ graduation projects, the thing that would lead me to face hundreds of risks related to the solution’s quality… add to them the hassle of managing a group of students with all the possibilities of facing shortage in knowledge and experience as well as irresponsibility related hassle…

2.Agile development doesn’t have a wide basis of audience in our faculty [it was called macaroni development before]; so how shall I convince my teachers and colleagues about cooperating with me by even only giving me the suitable atmosphere I need to create with no in vain hassle??

3. SOA needs an infrastructure or some factors to build itself on the top of them… in more precise words; in my graduation project for example, though I know that it was with no other peer, but it hadn’t come up with all its desired objectives; and SOA wasn’t fully applied … i.e. we hadn’t used its full power because there were no reliable projects to integrate with and use its underlying data and I believe that there would have been more if we had applied fully SOA…

So if I used e-learning as the area where I apply my research, I’d come with unreliable, incomplete conclusions which would lead me to be as if I’m applying it or I’m studying it for the first time if I tried to apply it in the business real world… while people would trust me for my certifications telling that I’m one of MSc. holders I’d perform as just a postgraduate student and in this case the cost would be so high compared to the cost of using business to apply my point as the only alternative from the very beginning (I mean those research points which were mainly dedicated to business and those which demand either reliable infrastructure or distributed environment or both)

I’m not totally against e-learning part and parcel but I think that the right place where we can work on e-learning solutions is the research institutions where the environment is ready to develop such solutions and the risks are limited to the lowest level… but if this environment is not available at the moment; then we shall seek the right timing to apply our research points on e-learning in our faculty and never sacrifice our conclusions and measurements in the chase of a mode…

Deeply freezed

I don’t know why I feel this cold shiver inside right now…although there is a punch of happy events hitting persons around nowadays, and I’m one of those events’ makers; if I shall consider my master registration process a happy event; but three days ago I began to feel that shiver inside, although I’m supposed to be above the sky for all the events around, I found myself trying hardly not to cry… despite the hassle and the buzz I’m living nowadays and my life which had turned to be based mainly on hanging out everyday and night for the whole of 9 months…I don’t know whether it is a result of this hurt and the disequilibrium it caused in all my relations or it is one of the consequences of the self-evaluation process I’d passed through or it is only a cycle of the mood… but I feel so lonely, despite my boisterous life which is full of activities and events… I feel – but for maybe two or three close friends- that I’m a lonely person with many miscalculations… I doubt each phone I have, each relation I’m into, even- if it is a predetermined relation with predetermined intensions and motives but I find myself asking the same question again and again “why?? When?? How??”… I find myself for the first time refusing to get a place in a community, because I have a feeling that the community I had decided to be a part of and worked on being so, refusing me or ignoring me… or it is about life which I seem to have misunderstood many times again and again… I found myself for the first time satisfied by being in the shaded area and deeply inside not satisfied as it seems to be… I found myself tender to give less, take less, know less, participate less, laugh silently- almost smile- , cry deeply with no voice or no tears, complain less, say a little or maybe nothing at all even when I want to tell, give up persons and relations easily, less sorry, more regretful for what I’ve said or done for others specially friends, doubting all persons and expecting fast breakups…

For the first time I realize that I’m walking without looking through the faces and inside peoples’ eyes trying - as I used to do before- to surf their souls and personalities through their eyes… maybe looking through the souls is the misdeed I must admit, the misdeed that led me now to write this entry… now I’m going with no remarks, no words, no laughs, no tears… and no exceptions…

Really I hadn’t expected that much break inside; I thought I was stronger than it all and I’d manage it as I did three years ago when I was run out of principles and values, but I found out that it was the last one which I lost this time… it is now feelings’ bankruption era with freeze deep inside, with almost no laugh, no loud ones, and also no tears, no hot ones… with no heartfelt meanings even those bad ones…

“I’d like to" Vs. "I’m capable of”

This idea is triggered by a daydream I was thinking of one day and making the whole scenario with all the possibilities of the scene…

“What –if X had declared it one day, and I was in a situation that I must respond to him either with acceptance or by refusal??” [Actually, X is a variable with an associated value that I won’t tell here]

I had remembered this day NOT in the middle of the mind refreshment process I’m experiencing nowadays through a period of remembering many quotes, events, places, and situations which I can’t justify why I remember those things specially nowadays; the only reasonable justification is that I’m preparing my mind to receive new records and entries of the new year after the evaluation process I passed through the last couple of months.

Back to the main topic; the real reason for remembering that daydream was the question Yasmine asked me last time we were together:”howa law X et2dem leeky twaf2y??” [I was astonished as she told the same scene I was imagining before, but unlike the previous version of my personality; I’m going to be cooler and I’ll tend not to make matches and fateful conclusions this time; specially that there would be no action resulting from any conclusion as the answer was in the daydream and to my friend’s question the same:”No, of course”… and also the justification was the same: “because he trusts no one… and I tend to be so, I believe I doubt each fact, person, word till the contrast is proven and sometimes nothing is never proven… even if I show that I’m welcoming anyone, any fact, any word…and he is also a nice actor of the same drama…[this wasn’t an installed feature on me; instead it is a result of a sequence of unpleasant beneficial facts, events I passed through and persons I stepped over]

I need someone to keep me safe or at least to make me feel safe and he doesn’t feel safe or secure; so how shall he give me what I need mainly in my life, while he doesn’t have?... he won’t be able to give me something he needs and can’t find as well…

To explain what I aim at more; let’s consider the scene of some guy surrounding a girl’s shoulder with his arms… there would be three possibilities for his intensions of doing so:

-The pure desire trigger [male/ female view]

-The pure love trigger [lover-to-lover view]

-The pure love/manhood trigger [mixed (lover/man)-to-(lover/woman) view]

Let’s bypass the interpretation of the scene as it is out of scope here and analyze the remaining two scenes,

The masculine lover in the second scene was offering love and protection… of course anyone who offers his love to someone offers care and will to protect as well… but the quote said here might be like saying:”hey, I’d like to protect you; you shall feel safe when we are together”… nice expected feelings but with no guarantees of the actions and the consequences…

The masculine lover in the third scene like this one in the second scene was offering love and protection… BUT unlike him, the quote here is like saying:”girl; I’m capable of protecting you; you are safe and you must feel it for being with me”

Yes; you may say that in both cases there is no evidence or guarantee of the consequences and actions… yes; this is true, BUT there are always possibilities and expectations read from the personality themes you are dealing with and tend to analyze…

In my daydream; I shall be the feminine lover of the second scene; he can’t offer me what he doesn’t have initially… always and forever; feeling secure would be the magical entrance to internal peace; and no one of us shall guarantee this for the other…

I aspire – as all girls do – to be the feminine lover of the third scene to feel home with my lover regardless the surrounding circumstances or possibilities… it is just like you got all what you need by a scrub… you can now sleep safely, welcome home; no matter what lies behind the windows/outside you arms

It would be like watching two guys killing each other in the street; but it won’t make any sense as long as nothing would approach me as long as I’m looking through the windows/ from behind your back

If I’m going to bear someone who will never offer me what I’m in a bad need of; and I pretended to do without this thing and tried to give him what he needs [in case, we both are seeking the same thing] I’d be able to do so for a while but not so long, because one day I’d find no one recharging my battery; because he won’t be able to give me in return… my giving will in this case would be out of persistence not out of having what he sought…and as a result we both would feel that emptiness and we both would give it up so soon because who doesn’t own something can’t give it in return…

The scene of “I’d like to…I’m capable of” can be used also to prove the antithesis of what mom told me one day concerning my pals, whom I think they can’t act like responsible… she was arguing that if they are in charge of something they would be able to undertake it but I shall tell that each conclusion should have some origins or givens used to get to that conclusion…those givens are based on psychological, environmental and behavioral facts about those persons which would need further analysis to have a conclusion which would be specific to the personality in question…

7 Little Tricks To Speak In Public With No Fear

This article is copied from: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-little-tricks-to-speak-in-public-with-no-fear.html

There was once a time when I had no fear. I was 11 years old and I entered a story telling competition. I was confidently telling the story and captured everyone’s attention until suddenly I heard a voice from just in front of the stage commenting about my nose. It’s totally disastrous from that moment on. I lost focus and forgot the script altogether. That’s the exact time that I began to have a certain fear of public speaking.

Over the years, I finally overcome my fear of public speaking. I can now speak at any function unprepared and even though the nervousness is still there, I am able to control it. It was not easy but I made it with some help from books and a few techniques I develop myself.

Hopefully these tricks will be able to help you as they had helped me in overcoming fear of public speaking.

1) Admit nervousness

All you have to do is admit that you are a bit nervous speaking to your audience. When you do this, the audience will be more forgiving if your nervousness shows up later on. More importantly you will feel more relaxed now that they are not expecting a world-class presentation. Imagine their surprise when you gave them the best presentation ever despite your nervousness.

The best way to do this is by joking about it. Here’s an example of a good one. “On the way here, only God and I knew what I will be presenting. (looking a bit nervous) Now, only God knows.”

2) Redefine your audience

Redefine your audience generally means changing how you see your audience. Instead of seeing them as lecturers who are evaluating you, maybe you can convince yourself that they are all fellow students who are in queue to present after you. They are all equally nervous so there is no reason why you should be too.

Or perceive them as long lost friends that you haven’t seen for 10 years. This way you can maintain eye contact trying to figure out where you have seen him before. To the audiences, they will see a very friendly and personal presentation.

Do not try to convince yourself that they are babies in diapers or that nobody is around as suggested by some books. It is very hard to convince yourself that no one is around when you are actually speaking to them.

3) Invest in visual aids

Imagine a presentation with beautiful PowerPoint slides and even more impressive notes given to each of your audience members. Half of the time, their eyes will not be on you. They will read through the notes and your fancy slides. This will help a lot as you can then speak to the people who are not looking at you. When they look at you, you just change your focus to other people who are not looking. Giving a speech to people who are not looking at you is always easier.

4) Make mistakes intentionally

This is another trick I encourage you to try. Once I “accidentally” dropped my notes on the floor, and while picking them up, I warned the audiences that the presentation will be more confusing after this. I heard some laughter from the floor.

The idea is to gain control of your audience. If you can make them laugh and be more interactive with you, your presentation will have that casual feel to it which will make it more memorable than others. Ultimately you will find it easier to do.

5) Speak to one person at a time

One of the most terrifying things about public speaking is the crowd. Just by looking at the crowd, all in silence just to hear you speak, will send shivers down your spine. To overcome this, you just need to speak to one person at a time.

Choose one member of your audience and dedicate your whole presentation to him or her. Just assume that everyone else is not paying attention. When someone asks you a question, change your focus to that person and answer the question as if the two of you are in a coffee shop chatting away. Isn’t that the most relaxing way to handle a crowd?

6) Be impressive with personal opinion

Just like blogging, everyone can copy an article and paste it onto their blog. However, people read blogs not only to know about things happening but to know what that particular blogger’s opinion is on the matter.

When you speak or give a presentation, try to squeeze in a few of your personal thoughts on the matter. Of course these should be prepared early on. However, you should make it as if the ideas are “just in” while you are presenting. That will differentiate your presentation from the rest, and when you see the interested look on the faces of your audience, it will elevate your presentation to another new level, a level where you start having fun.

7) Have fun experimenting

This is the most important tips of all. Have fun with the crowd. Try new ways to give the best presentation to your audience. Maybe experiment with a new funny approach, or walk around the hall instead of being static on the stage. Have fun with experimenting on human behavior and you will see that public speaking is not that bad after all.

Remember that there are no failures, only different results.

Notification of change

I was always unsatisfied with my blog’s title, I’ve tried many times to change it but I had no idea what the new one shall be… I disliked the great favoritism of the old title to my thinking side because my entries also exhibit my feelings side-by-side with my thoughts…

Today, I made up my mind to change it based on the comparison of the no. of entries under each label/ category… this comparison was based mainly on the no. of entries under “Heart portrayals” against the no. of entries under “Mental feelings”, which resulted in the larger no. to be found under “Heart portrayals”… at first, I was going to choose a name that seemed to be taking the feelings’ side… but to guarantee the adaptability of the chosen title to all future circumstances, I’ve decided on naming it “Heart Mentality” which incorporates both sides… so I hope you enjoy reading it… Thanks alot....

Duality : part II ( الإزدواجية )

كنت إتكلمت فى الموضوع ده قبل كده ؛ وضع الإزدواجية ...بس بعد إما لاقيت الفكرة فى دماغى بس من عمق ووجهة نظر تانيه ؛ لاقيت إنه محتاج إنى أتكلم تانى فيه بس بصورة أعمق ... اللى خللانى تانى أفكر في الموضوع ده هو موقف حصل معايا إمبارح أما خرجت مع واحده صاحبتى كنت المفروض أخرج معاها من حوالى 3 أسابيع بس كان المشروع مؤجل بسبب الإرهاق الفظيع اللى كنت عايشاه بعد امتحانات ومشروع التمهيدى؛ ف كنت مستنية اليوم ده أوى خصوصا كمان إنها كانت قالتلى إنها تعبانه أوى و محتاجه تتكلم معايا... اليوم كان جميل جدا وأنا كنت مبسوطه أوى بس مش كنت عارفه إنىه لما يخلص اليوم هتهاجمنى كل الأفكار دى بالصورة دى وتنتهى معايا بالحاله السيئه اللى أنا حساها دى ...

السبب اللى بدأ كل اللى حصل ده هو إنه خلال كلامنا كننا بنتكلم عن واحده صاحبتنا وإضطريت خلال الحوار إنى أحلل شخصيتها وسلوكها بس وأنا باتكلم الحقيقة إنى كنت بأحلل شخصيتى أنا وسلوكى أنا وده لأن صاحبتنا دى شبهى أوى فى كتير من الاضطرابات النفسية... المهم إنه التحليل طلع متطابق لدرجة إن عينين صاحبتى اللى بتسمع كانت بتلمع أوى وأنا باتكلم ... أنا إفتكرتها إنها فهمت إنى بأتكلم عن نفسى؛ خصوصا إنها ذكائها عالى جدا بس كان فى حاجه مطمنانى إنها مش هتوصل للإستنتاج ده لأنها متعرفش الجانب من شخصيتى اللى كنت باكلمها عليه... ولما خلّصت كلام عرفت إنه عينيها كانت بتلمع من الإعجاب بالتحليل وده لأنها عارفه إنى معرفش مواقف فعلية توصلنى للتحليل ده فهى إستغربت إنى فهمت صاحبتنا دى بالعمق ده بأقل قدر ممكن من المعلومات وكمان إتأكدت من صحة التحليل ومنطقيته أما لاقيتها غيّرت موقفها فى الموضوع اللى كننا بنتكلم فيه 180 درجة بناءا على كلامى....

الحكاية مش ف ده كله؛ الحكاية فى إنى لما روحت البيت وفكرت فى اللى حصل ده لاقيت إنى فى الفترة الأخيرة بقى بيحصل معايا الموقف ده كتير أوى وعلى فترات متقاربه أوى عكس أما كان بيحصل زمان أما كان الفترة بين كل تحليلين من النوع ده بينهم مجموعة من التحليلات المحايدة اللى مش لازم أكون مريت بتجربة علشان أوصل للفكرة بتاعتها... لكن دلوقتى بين كل تحليلين من النوع ده عشر تحليلات من نفس النوع لدرجة إنى بقيت مُرهَقَة أوى بتحليلاتى دى ؛ لإنى علشان أحلل نفسى ومشاعرى فى فترة معينه علشان أنقلها لحد على إنها تفسير لكلامه هو لازم أستحضر الموقف اللى مريت بيه ومشاعرى خلاله كانت إيه وأعيشه من تانى ... وده مؤلم أوى... مؤلم أوى لدرجة إنى اللى بأكلمه لو مش معايا فى نفس المكان وأنا بأكلمه بأقعد أعيط كأنى عايشه دلوقتى فى نفس الحكاية...وبعد أما ينتهى الحوار يسبنى الشخص اللى كنت بأكلمه وهو مرتاح لأنه لقى حد يفهمه ويفسرله اللى هو حاسس بيه ويقوله ليه... و أتوه أنا فى دوامة من الذكريات ....النهاردة كنت قاعده على جهازى بأشتغل وبأعيط واللى فوقنى هو رسالة موبايل صوتها عالى؛ كنت بأعيط على حاجات كنت فاكراها إنتهت خلاص ومش كنت إديت لنفسى الحق إنى أبكى وقتها علشان كنت هربت منها أيامها... هربت ولبست شخصية تانية أقوى ... ف بقت الذكريات دى تهاجمنى كل فترة بس أتمنى إنه الفترات تتباعد أكتر وأكتر ...

كل ده تمام؛ مش تمام أوى يعنى بس أقصد إنه مش ده المغزى من اللى بأكتبه ده؛ لأن إحساسى بالنجاح فى التحليل ودقته بيكون أقوى من إحساسى بالألم فى الوضع ده؛ اللى خللانى فعلا أكتب المره دى هو إنى لما رجعت البيت امبارح وبدأت أستعرض الشخصيات اللى حصل معايا نفس الموقف وأنا بأتكلم معاهم أوعنهم بدأت أحس بلخبطة كبيرة جدا وشواكيش التفكير المستمر بدأت تدق فى دماغى وده لأنى كنت بحاول ألاقى عامل مشترك يربط الشخصيات دى كلها؛ بس مش لاقيت ولا حتى ردوود أفعال مشتركة بينهم ولا بيئات ولا ظروف ولا أى شئ... ومع ذلك ألاقينى بأركب فى مواقفهم جدا...كان بقالى فترة طويلة بأقول إنى فاهمه نفسى أوى بس دلوقتى إكتشفت إنى فهمتها زياده عن اللزوم لدرجة إنى ماعوتش فاهماها خالص... ومش قادرة أحدد أنا مين فى دوول بالظبط ...معقولة أكون المزيج بتاع كل الشخصيات غير المتجانسه دى ...طيب إزاى؟؟ عمر حد كان طويل قصير تخين رفيع !!!!... معقولة أكون كلهم فى بعض؟!!!

كان فى فترة فى حياتى كنت مقتنعة إنى بأمثل اللون الأسود ...وبعدين مريت بفترة تانية كنت بأمثل فيها اللون الأبيض...وبعد كده جت عليا فترة تالته كنت فيها بأمثل اللون الرمادى ؛ مع قابليه إنى أكون أبيض أو أسود وقت اللزوم وعلى حسب الموقف ... إنما دلوقتى حاسه إنى بأتنطط على مقياس فيه كل الألوان من الأسود مرورا بكل الدرجات لغااية الرمادى وأمر منه لكل باقى الألوان والأمزجه لحد أما أوصل للأبيض... الفكرة دلوقتى مش فى النسبية ؛ الفكرة فى الازدواجيه اللى باحس بيها ... نفس الشئ ممكن أعمله بأكتر من شكل ولون وطريقه وإحساس وهدف...لدرحة إنى ماعوتش عارفه أنا عاوزه إيه وللا بأعمل إيه ليه إزاى... نفس افكرة أو التصرف أو الموقف اللى أكون مؤمنة بيه ومؤيده ليه أرجع بعدها بفتره صغيره وبدون أى تغييرعلى الفكرة دى ألاقى نفسى بأكفر بيها وأندم عليها !!!

هو الموضوع ده مش سيئ بالدرجه اللى هو باين عليها دى ... هو صحيح ليه مشاكل كتير ... بس برده ليه مميزات كتير أوى أولها مثلا إنى عمرى ما أحس بملل من حياتى؛ وده لإنها بتاخد أشكال كتيرة وألوان كتيرة ومش ماشية على رتم واحد... كل فترة بأغير جلدى ؛ بألبس وش جديد وأتكلم لغة جديدة ؛مش بأثبت فى مكان واحد؛ وعلشان كده مش بأتمسك؛ وكتير بأحس إن اللى حواليا مش فاهمنّى؛ وكتير هما بيحسوا بغموضى؛ ببقى زى الكائن اللى مش بسهولة بيموت... ماهوا لو بيموت بسهوله كان زمانه مات من زمان أصلا...

حاجه كمان؛ إنى دايما هأعتبر إنى كويسه كده وصح وحاجات قليلة ومش جذرية اللى محتاجه تتغير فيا...وبالتالى هأحب نفسى أكتر وهأثق فيها وفى قدراتى أكتر وأكتر...آآه فعلا شكلها غريب أوى كلمة (هأعتبر) دى بس فى الحقيقة مقدرش أقول غيرها لأنى فعلا هأعتبر وده علشان عمرى ما هاكون متأكدة؛ بس هأضطر أعمل نفسى متأكده وده علشان لو فرضت غير كده هأحط نفسى فى موقف محرج أوى مع نفسى؛لأنى مش هأعرف أحط إيدى على الغلط فين بالظبط وده هيضايقنى أكتر من فكرة وجود الغلط نفسه ومش هأبقى عارفه أمسك الغلط ده وأحدد الشخصية اللى محتاجه تتقوّم فيها جوانب وأصلّحها... عموما الميزة الكبيرة برده للموضوع ده هو إنى ببقى عامله زى الروح الواحده اللى بتتنقل بين أجساد مختلفة وأشكال متباينة وتاخد من جسد فيهم قوته لحد أما يبدأ يضعف ويقع وساعتها تطلع الروح دى منه وتدخل فى واحد تانى غالبا بيكون النقيض بتاعه تماما وتسيب الجسد اللى كانت فيه لحد أما يستعيد إتزانه وطاقته وساعتها ياترجعله يامش ترجعله .. مش مشكلة وقتها ...

المشكله بقى فى الوقت ده بتكون فى إنه النقيض ده ممكن يحاول ينتقم ويقضى على الجوانب كانت فى الشخصية الأولى واللى أدت إلى ضعفها .. مع إنه لو النقيض ده إستنى؛ هيلاقى إنه الشخصية الأولى مش هتموت؛ دى هتستعيد قوتها تانى...

كمان ممكن أواجه مشكله إنه مع الدورة الزمنية وفى خلال فترة قريبه أو بعيده أقابل شخصيتين مشتركين فى نقطة ضعف واحده؛ دى بتبقى كارثه؛ لإن ده ممكن يأثر فى قوة الروح نفسها؛ زى بالظبط اللى حصل معايا أما كررت نفس الغلطة بالظبط خلال 3 سنين؛ مع إن الزمان والمكان والظروف والعوامل والشخصيات مختلفه ... بس نفس الغلطه إتكررت ومش عرفت أمسك موضع الغلط فين ... ده اللى أنا باتكلم عنه بقى....

كمان مرحلة الألم اللى باحس بيه فى كل مرة بتبقى الروح دى بتتنقل من جسد للتانى ومن شخصية للتانية وكمان بيسبقه الألم اللى أصلا بيكون دافع للإنتقال... حاسه إنى بيتراكم عليا جبل من الأحزان اللى بتتربص بيا ومستنية أهدى شوية وهتهاجمنى بشده وساعتها هأحتاج شخصية أجمد وأجمد من كل الشخصيات اللى ركبتها ومثّلتها قبل كده علشان تنقذنى من الهجوم ده ... بس ربنا يسهل ... معلش دايما بيقولوا " تألم حتى تتعلّم " وأنا مؤمنة إنى طوول ما أنا عايشه هأفضل كل يوم أتعلّم...

الفكرة فى إنى خايفة جدا من التسارع المخيف فى تطور الأحداث وبالتالى المتناقضات وده لإنى مش قادرة أمنع نفسى من ملاحظة ومراقبة سلوكياتى وطبعا كالعاده الاستنتاج ...والموضوع ده مُرهِق ومُتعِب جدا لحد مخه بيشتغل 25 ساعة فى اليوم زيى ... حاسه إنه تروس التفكير عندى بدأت تسخن وقريب هتلف على نفسها فى عكس إتجاهاتها الأصلية ...بس مش أقدر أقول غير ربنا يستر!!!

عموما أنا برده لسه عند موقفى اللى قلته المرة اللى فاتت؛ إنه برغم كل التناقضات والآلام ؛ بس أنا مستمتعه بالإزدواجية دى جدا وإلى أبعد مدى ممكن ;)

لماذا الحب أعمى ؟؟

A post on a group on the facebook:

في قديم الزمان...حيث لم يكن على الأرض بشر بعد...
كانت الفضائل والرذائل.. تطوف العالم معا وتشعر بالملل الشديد...

ذات يوم... وكحل لمشكلة الملل المستعصية اقترح( الإبداع).. لعبة.. وأسماها الأستغماية.. أو الغميضة...
أحب الجميع الفكرة...

وصرخ الجنون: أريد أن أبدأ.. أريد أن أبدأ...أنا من سيغمض عينيه.. ويبدأ العد...ّوأنتم عليكم مباشرة الاختفاء...ثم أنه اتكأ بمرفقيه..على شجرة.. وبدأ...واحد...اثنين... ثلاثة...

وبدأت (الفضائل والرذائل) بالاختباء..
.وجدت (الرقة) مكانا لنفسها فوق القمر...
وأخفت (الخيانة) نفسها في كومة زبال...
ذهب (الولع)...واختبأ... بين الغيوم
ومضى (الشوق)...إلى باطن الأرض...
قال الكذب بصوت عال : سأخفي نفسي تحت الحجارة.. ثم توجه لقعر البحيرة

واستمر (الجنون): تسعة وسبعون... ثمانون.... واحد وثمانون...

خلال ذلك أتمت كل الفضائل والرذائل تخفيها...
ماعدا ..... الحب

كعادته.. لم يكن صاحب قرار... وبالتالي لم يقرر أين يختفي...وهذا غير مفاجيء لأحد... فنحن نعلم كم هو صعب إخفاء الحب !

تابع الجنون: خمسة وتسعون....... سبعة وتسعون...
وعندما وصل الجنون في تعداده إلى: مائة...قفز الحب وسط أجمة من الورد.. واختفى بداخلها...

فتح الجنون عينيه.. وبدأ البحث صائحا": أنا آت إليكم.... أناآت إليكم...
كان (الكسل) أول من أنكشف...لأنه لم يبذل أي جهد في إخفاء نفسه...
ثم ظهرت (الرقّة) المختفية في القمر...
ماعدا الحب...؟

كاد (الجنون) أن يصاب بالإحباط والبأس.. في بحثه عن الحب...
إلى أن اقترب منه الحسد...وهمس في أذنه:"الحب مختف في شجيرة الورد"...

التقط الجنون شوكة خشبية أشبه بالرمح...وبدأ في طعن شجيرة الورد بشكل طائش....
ليخرج منها الحب...

ولم يتوقف إلا عندما سمع صوت بكاء يمزق القلوب...!!
ظهر الحب..
وهو يحجب عينيه بيديه.. والدم يقطر من بين أصابعه...

صاح الجنون نادما": يا الهي ماذا فعلت؟ ماذا أفعل كي أصلح غلطتي بعد أن أفقدتك البصر؟
أجابه الحب: لن تستطيع إعادة النظر لي... لكن لازال هناك ما تستطيع فعله لأجلي...
كن دليلي...

وهذا ما حصل من يومها....


يمضي الحب الأعمى...يقوده الجنون

لو كنت أعلم

This poem is extracted from a post on a group on the facebook

لو كنت أعلم أن لقلبك ألف باب ...

لمزقت نفسي ألف قطعة ودخلت اليك من كل الأبواب...

لو كنت أعلم أن عينيك تري ألف شخص...

لشكلت نفسي بألف امرأة جميلة لتراني بكل الأماكن...

واحدة تعشق الهدوء وتعيش معك بعالم الخيال..

وأخري تلمح بعينيها الجنون...

وثالثة تعشق نفسها بعينيك امرأة ناضجة...

وأخري صاخبة تعشق الموسيقي ...

أو واحدة لا تعلق عينيها الا بك...

أو أخري تهملك لتأتي ورائها ....

واحدة تتدلل عليك...او تشعرك بأنك طفل ..

أو تلقي بنفسها طفلة بين ذراعيك..

تتأملك وأنت بجوارها ..

أو تنتظر انت رؤيتها كملاك نائم...قوية أو ضعيفة...حنونة أو قاسية...سمراء...شقراء...

تعشقك حين تضمها بقوة أو تقسو عليها ...

امرأة متفائلة أو حزينة ...تعشق الليل أو النهار...

امرأة تكن لك الحبيبة..أو العشيقة.. أو الزوجة..أم وابنة.....أو صديقة...

لو كنت أعلم لكنت لك امرأة تعشق كل الألوان.

.ترتدي الواسع أو الضيق..القصير أو الطويل..

تتمتع بارتداء النظارة..أو تغير لون عينيها....

امرأة عملية..امرأة حالمة..

تحب الشاي أو القهوة...

تعشقك بارتداء كل الألوان ..الأبيض أو الأسود ..أو ما بينهما...

تعشقك في حزنك أو فرحك....

لكنت امرأة..تبكي وتضحك....تحب وتكره..تقبل وتتدلل..تحنو وتقسو...

امرأة تعشق الصيف..أو تذوب حبا بقطرات المطر..

أو تحب النسيم بالربيع..أو تقلب الجو بالخريف...

تحب اقتناء القطط أو الكلاب او العصافير ...أو تكره الحيوانات..

لو ازداد حنانك في مرضي...للازمت الفراش....

ولو لمحت نظرة العشق حين تلفني الرومانسية...لانتظرت كل ليلة واضئت الشموع ...

ونثرت الورد بكل الأماكن...ووضعت العطر الذي تعشقه....وألقيت نفسي بين ذراعيك حين تراني............

لو كنت أعلم لكنت لك المرأه التى .......تشعر بها....وتراها....وتعشقها....وترغب بها.....وتحيا...وتموت من اجلها.....

My dear friends...Really, you are ones to keep

Being blessed, being lucky, being successful… three idioms which may have thousands of definitions which vary according to each one’s view of what is meant by blessing, luck, success…

From my point of view; I’m lucky, thanks Allah, to have some specific persons to pass by my life and to meet them one day…I’m blessed, thanks Allah, to have those specific persons as friends and I’m very blessed to have them counting me as one of their friends… I’m successful, thanks Allah, in keeping them around and doing my best to put each one of them in his/her suitable place in my life and I hope I could be successful in strengthening my bonds with those friends…

Lately, I was discussing more than once, the concepts of “sending and receiving”, “giving and taking” in relationships, concentrating on the receiving process… as everything has too many aspects to regard, many ways to approach, and as I believe deeply on expressing my feelings as much as possible to the ones whom I appreciate; I’m writing this entry just to say “I do appreciate your existence in my life, my dear friends… really, I was and still influenced by you all… thanks for everything, every moment, every lesson you helped me to learn”…

I’d dedicate the coming paragraphs to certain friends, whom had affected my life deeply…

• M. S. Seyam: believe me when I say that I can’t find enough expressing words to exhibit my deep pleasure and pride for having a friend like you… but what I can say is that you are the one of those very few persons whom have an excellent understanding of human nature and patterns to the extent that no one can avoid hoping to be a friend of yours once s/he approaches you… you acquire your incredible sending power from comprehending the others… you are the friend who is always there, side-by- side with your friends, sharing their happiness as well as their sorrows…you have an amazing tendency on supporting your friends… you act efficiently as the wise advisor who can always see what lies beneath the words and whom can support his friend either being oppressive or oppressed… your peaceful smile masks a great conscious of reality … I was many times inspired by your pure, peace-loving soul… you deserve being a candle in the wind… may Allah bless you and I wish you all happiness, internal peace… I wish you get all what you aspire to… Thanks for being the one who you are; my friend…
• Mervat M. Fahmy: I’m so proud to have you as a model for the one I’m aspiring to be, I can’t deny compensating my full analytical power to find one common factor between us to yell proudly:”hey, I’ve a common factor with DOCTORA MERVAT… oh, it may work one day”… you are so lovable person whom I wish I’d have approached long ago… you are the person whom can generously share all her experiences with the others and give them a hand… sometimes even if you aren’t happy in certain stuff, you don’t refuse giving a hand and aiding the others about this topic because you acquire your hope and success from making the others and bringing happiness to their lives… you have an amazing ability to develop yourself, figure out your previous mistakes and learn from them…you generously can admit your faults and this is one of nobles’ distinguishing manners… you are a very precious friend who can catch it from your friends’ eyes… I owe you a lot, especially when you left me up when I was let down… Thanks for being the one who you are, my friend…
• Ahmed Al-Sum: Oh, Dr.Summation, you were the first person whom had lit my way and given me an entrance to my present life, really you don’t know how much you aided me and I won’t be exaggerating if I said that you saved me through the way, you were the first on the brightness chain… you taught me how to learn from the lessons we have through the way and how to turn losses into victories and winnings… you taught me to laugh when it really hurts… you were there all the time and when needed… you deserve to be that admired superstar you are and more….Thanks my friend for being the one who you are….I do appreciate you and your friendship a lot…
• Haitham A. El-Ghareeb: you are the one whom I thought at the beginning that we have some similarities that may lead us to be the identical devilish- angel sided persons, but through the way, I’d found that I must envy you for being that decent respectable person whom I shall try hard to imitate in some aspects which are concerned with values and principles, because you had helped me in regaining my trust of some values which I had doubted long ago… through the way, you defended me many times, actively and passively… you are a perfectionist; that is it would be guaranteed that an idea is unique, a solution is special, a brand is a brand, a memory is memorable as long as it is signed by Haitham A. El-Ghareeb… you are the stubborn friend who doesn’t give up a dream until you reach it perfectly and you inspire your friends to act alike… you are the decent, rushing, riotous friend who is considered to be a precious one to keep once you enter one’s life… Thanks my friend

Dear friends, I’m proud to meet you, I’m glad if we were gathered by a memory, in a place, through an idea or in a photo… it is not only about the invention of a human, but also it is about giving him life and aiding him to be alive… Thanks for existing in my life and thanks for being the ones whom you are…

• Marwa M. El-Sadeek: you were very successful in gaining my trust totally… really you are a very loyal friend whom can sacrifice for her friends… you are the friend who may think of her friends’ benefit before her own… you are the friend who defends her friends in their absence even more than in their presence… Really, I love you so much my dear friend and I wish you all happiness
• Yasmine Anwar: yasmintyy, you are a friend whom the infants’ innocence can be seen in your eyes… you represent purity and brightness of life… the ones like you are the angels in heaven and on earth, they exist to help the others to relieve… you would remain my rosy- colored flower… I love you so much my friend…
• Nehal Tarek: my dear friend whom I respect the most for being religious and for her manners… the thing that I like the most about you is being so fair and even… many times I relied only on your words, I trust and love you my friend
• Aya El-Nagdy & Rehab Ewais: they are my close friends whom had taught me a lot… I thought before meeting you that my relation with younger friends would be a sender- only relation, but you’ve proved me to be mistaken… through our friendship, I got the clue of many of Dr.Sum’s actions with me… any relation shall be a sender- receiver one, and that is the lesson you taught me many times… you are precious people whom are hard to find nowadays… you are dear friends whom I love, appreciate and wanna keep…
• Omar El-Zaki: it may be strange to tell that I was deeply influenced by your strong well, insistence … you recharged my hope, intuition and my intention of chasing a dream… I’d never forget your kind look in your engagement day when you told me :”it will come true Ghada, don’t worry as long as you insist on it”… besides, you are a very helpful friend who can do anything for his friends… you’ll remain the live evidence on the lover’s solid well… I wish you all happiness and may Allah bless you…
• M. Nabil: you are the friend whom I knew lately but I thank the situation that led to such relation… you are one of those few people whom anyone may wish to have them around and share their happiness and sadness with… you have a magical ability to ease the others’ pain even if you hadn’t practically solved the problem but you can help your friend not to stuck on the mood… really thank you my dear friend… (I’ve also to thank you for helping me to become a fan of Mounir and Fayrouz… you’ve a nice artistic sense and relieving mood ;) )
• TopGirlsGroup: my friends whom were able to make a difference in all the surroundings’ lives… each one in this association represented a unique case which has a special intolerable role and all the nine cases integrated together to form a unified entity which has self satisfaction… I’m glad to be one of this group… Thanks my friends, you gave me many memorable moments…
• Hossam & M. Hammad: you are of my friends whom had helped me a lot in many aspects… you had a great contribution in my progression in the faculty… you and your group were of the very few persons whom remained with me for the whole of the four years… I remember those days when we used to chat online for hours talking about all common interests in life and technology… I hope not to lose you ever… Thanks my friends…
• M. Mamdouh & Ahmed Ossama: you both presented my proof on the truth of my principles… you’ve proved to be there in time of need and you deserve to be the representatives of your colleagues as u always used to be… Really you are friends to keep...
  Before moving to another friend I may ask you Mamdouh about something; isn’t it strange for us to pass through similar eras at the same time? I mean we were apart for nearly 18 months, before this era we were enthusiastic, talkative, stubborn and riotous with some experiences that we ‘d decided to put aside and consider only their morals… after this era, we’d met again but do you think the case we are passing through this era is caused by being more mature and more realistic or by being more disappointed and more hopless?? Dear pal, if you have an answer, you know how to find me ;)
• Enjy A. Mustafa: my dear closest friend, for more than eight years you kept all my secrets as if I was talking to myself… I miss your days so much, I miss you girl and I wish we can get them back again… I was so happy when I got those IMs from you… really I love you and I insist on keeping you forever …Thanks my dear friend
• Yara Omar: you are the only girl ever whom I felt jealous of, and I wished to be alike… I admired your independence, your strong soul and your persistent spirit though I felt pity for you because of your troubles and the philosophical conflicts you suffered from… but now, I admit that I had made myself the best way I may aspire to thanks Allah, and I’d found that the extreme independence would cause me mass losses in other more important aspects I wouldn’t have been happy if I’d missed… but anyhow, thanks alot my friend, I was glad to know you and I hope I shall meet you soon…

MDLC

During the last two years, I kept on reading what Haitham and Dr.Mervat had written concerning their MSc, sharing their experiences, their thoughts, their feelings and many times they shared also scientific information as well… while I was reading, I wondered if there would be a day when I’d write about my MSc, will I have something to write about other than an annoying conflict with my supervisor, a negative feeling to expose…

I didn’t expect to have an entry labeled “master hassle” soon, but I was surprised as my first discussion about my research point with some Dr.s in the faculty came out with the beginning of the series… I’d try not to be totally sarcastic; rather I’d try to present even a single useful piece of information through each episode…

This methodology was derived from an example suggested by one of the Dr.s in the committee discussed my proposed research point today… ok let me tell the story from the beginning;

Macaroni Development Life Cycle (MDLC):

I was proposing my suggested research point which is based on the incorporation of a new family of development methodologies called ADM (Agile Development Methodologies) & a new thinking based on the development of the system as a set of services which are loose coupled called SOA (Service Oriented Architecture)…

From the business opinion, both approaches gained a mass range of audience through the past six years, or let me say, from the first moment they exist large organizations are trying to adapt their resources to accommodate even one from the two approaches out of their realization of the welfare those approaches may bring to their businesses; from the academic point of view, both approaches gain the same clamor celebrating their existence and many researches had been done to explore the two new worlds, either separately or mutually…

From Mansoura_fcian point of view, no one have the comprehensive mind to adopt a new concept that may replace the traditional techniques of software development, neglecting the vast number of benefits that can be gained by quitting adoption of traditional minds and bypassing any voice calling for change, on the other hand; they are totally bursting forth the migration from the traditional object orientation to the new mind of service orientation.

At first let me admit that the only distinguishing criterion that distinguishes most of CMU_mans staff is the intuition only – if found- and their opinions and thoughts in most cases not based on practical experiences or readings or researches… there is no space to consider specialization, because unfortunately, the slogan of most of CMU_mans staff is “5aleeeha 3ala Allah”…

Back to the main topic; I was trying to convince the committee about the viability of this research point based on the various strengths of both of the two approaches, and usage of the strength points of each of them to vanquish the weak points of the other… but I found myself stuck on justifying only the feasibility of the ADMs, the topic I wasn’t preferring to get into that time, for three important reasons: first, I hadn’t gained yet enough background about this part to the extent that makes me debate about it and be certain that I shall be able to convince the audience of my point of view; second, the committee hadn’t even one specialized member to debate logically based on any criterion rather than intuition and appeal, they don’t believe on the severe viability of analysis and design, instead they believe on the perceived sides of development such as colors, interfaces…finally; it is not my responsibility to justify either approaches my research relies on, I took them both for granted and my part is to justify the viability of their mixture…

The Dr. who insisted on the debate doesn’t know but SOA and thinks that the whole of the world can be abstracted in this approach which can be the silver bullet of any development project…

To describe and justify the proposed methodology, I’d begin with the example the Dr. himself had given:

“If we considered macaroni cooking, shall we consider the process as a whole in the beginning or we shall take it as a separated set of steps with no knowledge in advance about what the result shall be, and without planning the produced dish??”… He said

“but, if I was told that the chief Osama El-Saied is on a TV show now proposing a new trend in cooking macaroni, if I’m following a traditional mind I won’t have the space for flexibility in considering new receipts and the new trend, while if I’m following an agile methodology I can guarantee to have this flexibility”… I replied

In both cases, I know in advance that I’m going to have in the end macaroni, and adopting either of the two minds would guarantee that the process would begin with boiling the macaroni in the beginning and having the dish hot and salty in the end…

Following a traditional methodology would restrict the mind of “plan it when you are going to accomplish it”, instead you must be ready with your full plan in advance because you must have decided each step with its milestones precisely before even boiling the water; leaving no space for sudden circumstances or, sometimes, for upcoming risks; while you cannot prevent them from affecting you; and you may have at the end unsatisfied eaters who may take the meal for granted; which won’t be the case if you are developing a critical system or a software system that the organization was planning to have it as a competitive advantage…

So, to summarize the benefits we shall gain by adopting an agile methodology:

1-The ability to react, to respond quickly and effectively to both anticipated and unanticipated changes in the business environment.

2-And more than reaction to change is its ability to create change which requires innovation which is the ability to create new knowledge that provides business value.

3-Agile development is focused on delivering business value immediately as the project starts, thus reducing the risks of non-fulfillment regarding the contract.

4-Close collaboration between the development team and the customer to reduce the risk of a project since the correct interpretation of the customer needs is verified at every step.

5-I liked a statement I’d read about the development phase (the game phase) in Scrum: “expecting the unexpected”…

That’s what I’ve tried to tell him during the debate that lasted for about 30 minutes and resulted in:

1-More insistence from my side on what I’ve decided long ago

2-More realization of what I’m going to face for the coming journey

3-A supervisor who finally decided to interfere to put an end to the debate; not out of conviction of the concept, but out of boredom and to hasten leaving

4- The Dr. who was debating with me hadn’t been persuaded, but he praised me for being the only one of my colleagues who had proposed a real research point

5-A Dr. whom declared finally that he didn’t understand what we were debating about for the past 30 minutes!!!

By the end of this episode, I shall liken Software development process to the process of constructing a building; the real process is based on having the architect planning the scheme, designing and making the estimations of the cost, measurements and all related stuff; then we would have all the deliverables are handed- out to the civil engineer to implement them in real world with the aid of the builders… the debate comes actually from how each one of us shall consider this process; a few persons whom consider it as it occurs in reality; larger sector of perceivers would assume that the civil engineer is the only responsible in the whole process and he seeks the help of the builders to have it done that way; but unfortunately; mass amount of perceivers consider it the builders whom had built the building!!!

when you have much to give, no one to take

I’ve noticed my changing behavior through the last couple of weeks… I was amazed about it… I’ve noticed that I get too much impressed by any song I hear, any scene I see… I thought previously that I would give up being impressed by love scenes or by love songs as soon as I get out of it, and this caused me a great sadness inside, because this wrong belief indicated that I’d always be in a need to love to feel… and this is wrong absolutely, because love and sensitivity have a reciprocal bond…

In the past, mom always accused me of not having feelings about the surrounding events… she’d never understood that I’m one of those whom are internally affected and impressed… and then, I’ve decided on changing my attitude, believing on exposing my feelings to all those who deserve so would abridge the barriers between humans… “When you like or love someone, you should tell them, don’t rely on them to get it implicitly and don’t delay doing so, cause one day, you may regret not doing it on time… this person might go and be so far away to reach… you may get apart and you won’t be comforted by the feeling “I wish I could… I wish I had told them””… I was so impressed by mom’s quote to the extent that I always kept it in front of my eyes and chased it so hard…

I’ve tried to leave a mark, to make a difference, deeply affect everyone’s life as soon as I enter it… I’ve chased this belief to the extent that made many people not appreciating it if I need sometime alone, or if I’ve decided to leave someone’s life, expecting me always to do more with no performance degradation and with severe shower of reproach If I decided on giving less, even if my decision was justified by someone’s behavior with me… and in spite of this, I’ve found that the second place is always reserved for me, even in lives of those whom I gave a priority in my life and even if I’m capable of doing well in the first place… even with those people, there are no excuses for not doing so and with no tendency to expect doing less…

I’ve discussed those feelings in detail in “The rabbit and the turtle” but I desired to mention this here to get to the joint between those feelings and what I feel nowadays…

I’ve thought that I’d get rid of my horses, not completely, but I was always waiting for them to appear again and I was wondering in which form they shall appear and at which point they would restart their hunt again…

I thought that having this too much anger- though it had never got on the surface- was an evolution in the horses’ chase… then this anger was mixed with this destructive desire to hurt and torture myself for what I’ve reached concerning my emotional life… but during last month I’ve passed through a quiet cautious era – thanks Allah- … the thing that worried me a lot, of course not being calm and stable, but it is the question about how it shall come up again… because I can’t believe that this is the end… and if it is, it is not a comforting end – though it appears to be so – but I’m always very afraid about my accumulated hidden explosions, which reside in my unconscious part waiting for the suitable time to ruin it all, and I’ve many situations when I chose to postpone the explosion or I’ve massively not apparently justified explosions, the situation that I don’t prefer at all, so I’d rather prefer to finish It all on time…

The new thing, that may indicate that I’m approaching the end, is that I’m now overly affected by any situation, not only the sad ones, but also the happy ones… not only those which deserve affection… not only love scenes, but any situation that may involve any emotional passion…

Yesterday, I was very impressed by “Sara” [the series]…when she was crying, though I’ve seen those series many times…also two days ago I was so impressed by a woman holding her infant tightly, I felt that I’m holding it as well… there are many examples to mention here…

I’m happy for having such feelings as well as being worried, because I think this is temporal… more, I’m afraid to escape to fantasy and day-dreaming life to discharge my emotions as I hadn’t found the suitable person do help me in doing so… also, this attitude is very tiring, because you have all your nerves and emotions present in all the time, whether the situation deserves or not, and this is so feelings’ consuming…

Anyhow, I feel that I’m blessed to get gracefully out of it, and to approach the end of this all, with the least possible loss and even if this end comprises much acting, though I’ve tried a lot to go away and neither to harm nor to profit, but this wasn’t possible the way I thought it would be… despite this all, I think that this was the most decent mature scenario… I think till now I’m managing it well and I hope I could have much more peace in my life soon… I hope to regain my loud deep heartfelt laugh which I’d lost in the way two years ago… I hope… I hope… I hope…

The way between realism and mirage

A baby is born with his eyes closed, his legs tight to his stomach… once it begins to see, it begins to perceive the surrounding life, with all its bright and darker sides, with all its happiness and sorrows, with all its joy and grief…

Life doesn’t change its face, life doesn’t turn its back to us as we sometimes may declare to justify our sadness and our soul languish in sadness resistance… we are the ones whom change the views from which we interface with life….

A baby is born with a very pure heart; with no experiences, no opinions, and no inner hidden feelings towards anything… once this baby begins to have his own experiences, skills and feelings, he begins to seek a side of realism about life…

There are no extremes; this is one of the most important concepts about life… for example, there is no absolute happiness, instead, there are satisfaction and internal peace, which may lead is to a side of happiness but not the happiness itself… there is no black and no white, instead there is grey whose degree determines the closeness and the farness from the black and the white… babies can feel happiness, while adults feel satisfied, this to some extent may lead the dashing persons to live a faded life…

Let’s describe a model that may clarify the moral here:

Your birth determines your start, through the journey you pass by many milestones… till you reach your final destination… at your final destination, you have reached the last point or the extreme of a certain goal in your life, this extreme represents your extreme or the very far point that you can reach concerning a certain goal, this isn’t the extreme of the goal itself because everything in life is proportional, so there are no extremes…

More, the final destination here represents your death, after which you have nothing to do about your goals, thus your status at this point is your extreme…

The milestones here represent that checkpoints that you place after certain time intervals, and you pause your reactivity and proactivity to measure your performance regarding a certain topic… if you had already reached a level that you are satisfied of, then your performance in the next time interval would be increasing at a quiet confidence rate…

Each perception we perceive about the surrounding world, each situation we pass through- though it may be a repeated situation- is a life experience but we are the ones who decide when to begin counting… the ones whom are still with no adaptation or adjustment in their principles, beliefs, thoughts….. reacting to their life experiences and thinking that they are measuring on the scale of purity while they are actually measuring on the scale of idiocy rather than it is the scale of purity, because once the little baby had been scorch by the hot pot, it decides not to touch it again and may be it takes an aggressive action towards that pot.

Now, let’s expand the model a little:

Each baby is born with a basic set of needs which it is the responsibility of the adults to satisfy those needs. As the baby grows, his needs are increasing and he begins to take over the responsibility of fulfilling his needs.

To illustrate the model above, if a certain need has been split into three subneeds, then each need would have a satisfaction line over which many milestones are placed for evaluation… the summation of the performance achieved in all the subneeds’ satisfaction lines would form the actual rate of performance to satisfy the basic need…

If perfection is achieved in a subneed, this won’t necessary imply that the whole summations would be perfect, while if all the subneeds are satisfied and a level of perfection in achieved in a specific milestone, then the basic need is subsequently satisfied perfectly….

As long as you are seeking perfection you would not enjoy the desired internal peace even if you have at the moment all your needs satisfied perfectly except for only one…

The internal peace may result from two trends:

• Having all the basic needs (including the subneeds) perfectly satisfied..
• Having indifference trend concerning you life, you needs and your goals… this is of course an ill model of pretended internal peace.

To end this discussion I may justify the appearance of some persons enjoying everlasting internal peace can be explained as there are some persons whom seek perfection in a hurry and they are always seem to be anxious and worried, they may believe on failing once means endless era of failure where this mind isn’t true at all….

While there are some other people whom seek perfection but they have the wide mind to accept failures at any time of the journey believing that easy come easy go and confident that as long as they trust themselves to be capable of perfection, it will not leave their way…

Never Mind...Just Forget about it

One day I was walking with a friend who insisted on telling that he is the most troubled man ever, whose life isn’t going so well, with whom life is insisting on playing tricky games…

" أنا مش متخيل إيه اللى بيحصللى ده!! ... عُمرِك شفتى حد بيحصل معاه كل ده؟!!...حياتى بجد ماشية دراما ..لأ تراجيديا...مش متخيل الدنيا بتعمل معايا كده ليه ...محدش بيحصلّه نص اللى بيجرالى ده"

I smiled at him, though he chose the very wrong person to convince of his tragedy, but I was willing to listen to him… and I said a quote relates to my beliefs:

" إنت عارف ...هى تقريبا الأرض مكوّرة...أصلها لو مستطيل وللا متوازى مستطيلات كان ناس كتيره أوى هيختاروا إنه يجروا على أبعد زاويه أو ركن فيها علشان يهربوا من التواجد فى نفس المكان مع ناس معينة .. بس للأسف؛ الدراسات أثبتت إنها مكوّرة ومع كده برده إحنا لسه بندرو على أبعد نقطه"

I don’t know why I remembered this conversation while thinking about this entry elements, but I liked to begin with it… I think it, in some way, is related to the following points which are all strongly tight- coupled:

• I think I’m blessed to see it end that way, the same as I –secretly in my darkest deepest side- hoped to end… I’m blessed not for the end conformation with my hopes, but to witness it… a deep mind inside me was telling that the first end – my part- was for my benefit- of course this wasn’t my mind in the first shot, or let’s say in the first year after my first shock- but to believe that everything happens for good reasons, it is too hard and needs great persistence and maturity specially in heart stuff and related issues, because in most of those situations, logic and mind are misled by feelings, whether those feelings are love, happiness, desire, anger or even hurt….day- by- day I got evidences on the correctness of what I thought about both of them, even if all the surrounding people were sometimes trying to let me change my mind about him – coz, all people agreed upon her as being not so good- …
  I thought that witnessing them near, in their story, and having it touching my life, and for the ridicule of fates, the heroine declared many times that I’m the only one who understands her when she is talking about love, and I’m the one with whom she is very comforted while talking… I thought that all this is an affliction, but I was mistaken as in the end I got the moral which was to be totally and partially convinced of my end and to be completely satisfied that it is so fair, and was for my benefit…
  The question that rises here is that if I think it was a fair end for me and it was for my benefit, how shall it be the fair end for them as well?? Though I always believed that they both deserve each other?? And what would I say to prove that I’m not rejoicing at their misfortune??
  The answer would be simply that even if the evil ones appeal to each other, don’t they deserve to be hurt as the many people whom they – intentionally- caused to be hurt…
  A side-note: you hadn’t yet reached my darkest side, I’m neither envying them nor rejoicing at their misfortune but I’m watching the theories’ applications… those theories which I believed in and which were capable of disappointing me too many times over the past five years.. But it is not the time to talk about those theories now, I’d talk about this later in greater detail...So I’m witnessing maybe for the first time, the right application of one theory we need the most … justice!!
• Why each time I see this strange look in your eyes?? You are asking too many questions that you know their absolute right answers… I’m brave enough to tell you yes, that’s right…nice conclusion…unfortunately, you are right, with no proud… don’t doubt it anymore because those questions torture me a lot… I agree upon whatever conclusions you made except for the mind that you did your best to save it, because you did nothing… either wrong or right… it is still nothing!!...
  But you know, I’d remain speechless…
  You and I had a mutual thinking at the very beginning and at the end…” bel mastra”
  You and I know that it was a hurricane for me and a useless hassle for you…
  so Never Mind… just Forget about it
  You and I chose not to talk about anything, at the end speechless...let it go and it will, as many other things did… so Never Mind… just Forget about it
  You and I know well that the coming won’t be in any case brighter than or even as bright as the past… so Never Mind… just Forget about it
  You and I know that each one of us would remain a nice exception in the other’s life….
  so Never Mind… just Forget about it
  There were only two differences:
  - For me, it is not an accumulated experience and memories chain…I had made a deep freeze after the mail I sent you last January… after this mail, I’ve no memory, no quote, no feelings… just a memory about a faded smile, a faded face and a faded era which belongs to no more than me…
  For you, it’s a friend whom you think had worn a wooden mask and gone away, though this friend is there and you did nothing to take off his wooden mask with a pretention of a total ignorance of the actual reasons for this shift…
  - For me, it began with:
  " عندى ثقة فيك...عندى أمل فيك...بيكفى؟ شو بدك ..إنه يعنى أموت فيك؟؟"
  And it ended with:
  "كيفك إنت؟؟"
  For you, it began with:
  "إيديا فى جيوبى وقلبى طرب..سارح فى غربة بس مش مغترب...وحدى لكن ونسان وماشى كده..ببتعد معرفش أوباقترب"
  And it ended with
  "وأنا برده بأقول كان مالك نظراتك مش طبيعية...تشوفينى يتغير حالك وأتاريكى........."
• I remembered Meroo’s quote:” I wonder, how shall she appear so well, so strong, with her full make-up, colored dress and big smile… while they broke up two days ago!!!”
  Dear Meroo, what I couldn’t tell when you said it, is that neither Wael Gassar in “youm zefafek”, nor Khaled Aggag in “as’ab hob” were representing the black fantasy, instead they were delivering a narrow side of the tough real world.

Final quote, it may be a rectangular earth, but we are all standing and viewing only a very limited circular area, where some of us are standing side-by-side, others are standing back-to-back, but only very few persons whom are brave enough to stand face-to-face…

I liked this excerpt of prose for Abd El-Rahman Al Abnoudy:

"رميت نفسك فى حضن ... سقاك الحضن حزن ...حتى فى أحضان الحبايب.. تلاقى الشوك ياقلبى"

Question of all eras

Last week I’d attended a nice wedding of one of my colleagues…actually I’ve tried to blog about it before, but I delayed this entry though I was so afraid to lose the whole idea as what happened many times before because I believe that the first shot is always the best shot…but this time, the delay was for my benefit… the idea now is more complete in my mind and I guess today is the suitable time to write about it…

I’m not going to go on the details of the wedding, but I prefer to pass by in a glance to get directly into the moral of this entry… but I won’t deny that in spite of being there without my gang- the TopGirlsGroup gang, actually according to the very latest updates; they absolutely deserve the title gang: D- , and in spite of the cycle of sorrows, conflicts, fears and sadness which is getting narrower day by day, that wedding amazingly succeeded on getting me out of the mood, I enjoyed my time there though I hadn’t spent more than 2 hours, and I was very excited… though I began nowadays to feel that I’m getting older when I attend weddings despite being only 22 years old… this feeling is neither caused by the fact that I’m not engaged nor it is caused by the fact that I’m totally a loser at the emotional side… rather it is caused by the feeling that girls of my age are going to take over the responsibilities of the adults… I’d talk about this feeling in a greater detail soon…

The fact that triggered my thoughts that night was the groom’s age – bypassing his appearance, though for me it is an important measurement, but I believe in the famous saying: " لولا إختلاف الأذواق لبارت السلع "

I’m nearly to swear that the groom is in his 40s, though she has lied to me telling that he is about 27, while her friends in the wedding said that he is 32 years old, but I can’t deny what I had seen with my eyes!!

Let’s go out of his hassle to the important part here, the immense number of thoughts and questions flew through my mind that night…

bypassing the economical factors (from her side, though it is possible) what would be the motives for any girl to agree upon such marriage proposal???

She is only a 22 virgin whom hadn’t been married before… so her possibilities aren’t so few….so discard this possible reason….

is it right that only old men are the only ones now whom are capable earning a living and leading a family toward the future?? Ok supposing this is right, there is something to regard here… she hadn’t get enough share of life experiences to get to this mind which needs too much courage of a girl to accept…

can it be love? Sorry but this is a very disgusting idea for me to consider…to think about a crippled love between a 22- years old girl and a 40- years old man, it shall be some sort of parental love!!!

I know that many researches emphasized that a woman’s mind gets mature more earlier than a man’s mind by 2-3 years… so many people consider this a reasonable view to consider an engagement model of a man who is elder than the woman by 2-3 years would be a successful model from the view of decision making and leadership.. Though this is not always the case, we may find many successful models where both the man and the woman are of the same age… More, there are some models where the man is so brilliant than his woman though he is younger than her…so there is no rule concerning relations…

but to have a time distance of more than 18 years, what kind of sick engagement is this??

Is it the man who is getting more selfish day-by-day??

Mom has a model which I see it as unjust in some of its dimensions… she always keeps on telling me that:

• Men whom are about 25-28 years prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 20-23 years
• Men whom are about 29-35 years prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 24-26 years
• Men whom are about (35-…) years prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 26-30 years
• Men whom are about (35-…) years, and divorced or are widowers prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 30-35 years

This is what I call “the greedy search model” …

who had delegated those unfair rights to men? The oldest can propose simply to the youngest… unless he is in love with one of his age, he can dare easily to go and ask her to marry him…

Who had denied a girl in the middle of the 30s of her age to marry to someone of her age??

Oh, I’d forgotten that we are reactors, no more…

I’d forgotten that we have stated in the minds of our community that the girl who is in her 20s is doing nothing but waiting for the sought knight to come and set her free, and the girl in her 30s and hadn’t married yet has nothing to do in her life and she’d better lock her room door and not to show up to avoid the tough treatment and the cruel looks of the surrounding community…

We have stated this idiocy in the community’s mind and we are now suffering from the consequences and trying to change those minds

It is true and I completely agree upon the idea of the woman’s refined role in the construction of the civilized society which implies that her life as a woman would have preference over her professional life where she can achieve her ambition … her life as a woman begins when she finds her partner, she begins to take over her main tasks for which she was basically created… her two lives are parallel, but if there would be a conflict, she would have to choose which part she would sacrifice totally or partially in favor of the other life…. In most cases, she’d sacrifice her professional life because most women see that she can be more productive in her life as a woman, many persons would be affected by her love and her donations…

While we see a wide party of men view marriage as a secondary step, or to be more precise, they view marriage as a complementary part in life without which life would go… they don’t view it as the beginning of responsible life because many of them would have been started her responsible life once they begun to earn their livings on their own…

Some of them view marriage as the beginning of the nowhere to escape disturbance and hassle of life…. It is the beginning of giving up the self-centered life to delegate some authorities to some other people to access his classified areas and sometimes to tire him with more troubles…

It is a natural idea which I don’t resist because it embodies the magnificent natural ability of a female to give…

However and after all, the community insists on depriving itself of the continuous giving ability of a wide majority of it using this unfair ages-model!!

Duality

Last week was full of many extra-contradicted feelings, moods and situations… I, as usual, accept and expect these contradictions and thanks Allah I deal with gracefully… this duality is a distinguishing characteristic of the Gemini persons... I’ve realized that my friends, whom are reacting to my duality openly, always find my actions and justifications are so clear, always give me excuses… on the other side, my friends whom don’t have a projection of duality, and how shall it affect someone reactions, are always complaining that I’m hiding something that I don’t want to talk about and that I’m the mysterious one whom can’t be reacted to easily…

The past concept was so clear in my actions and reactions, and others’ reactions last week… in the coming few points I’ll expose my evidences on this in a glance:

• It began with this comment from Rana, a friend in my group the lovely TopGirlsGroup, who had visited me last week with Marwa, Heba and Omnyia: “ how do you pretend that you are in you black mood, which prevents you from preparing for our coming Dish-Party… while I find you laughing loudly that much and telling jokes… I can see that you are so nice today, to the extent that I may declare that you are passing through very calm peaceful days… are you trying to sneak with us?? Just please admit it, Ghada…and even-if you have something that bothers you, you won’t ever have anything in your life much worse than what I’m facing nowadays... and you see me in all celebrations and occasions … and I can tell that you are just sneaking, no more”… Omnyia gestured to show that she agreed…
• I don’t know actually why I let my anger to blow up that much while talking about that topic, although it was a very nice day from the beginning to the extent that I was so eager to finish all my work as a T.A. for this year represented in marking all the system analysis papers in only that day, and I did it.. But at night, when this topic was mentioned, I got extremely angry, although nothing was new and nearly nothing was mentioned!!!...
  I went back in my darkest mood, although I’d just left it for only a day!!!...
• My birthday, that lovely day which had begun from 12:00 am Sunday to 12:00 am Monday…Really this day, it was a memorable day… all the people surrounding me succeeded in making that day magnificent… I found out how much I’m blessed with the people I know, really I mean each word in this… - add to this the comment Dr.Seyam said yesterday when I’d shown him the people I’m going to send a message on Facebook asking for help with a problem I’m facing... he said:”Ghada, really you have a very nice collection of people around you.. Really nice friends”… add to them yourself my friend ;) -

Well, the past paragraph was entirely a side-note in this point... what I wanted to mention indeed in this point is the following situation:

He called me on the morning and I couldn’t make it, because I was asleep… I intended to call him back later, but he called me again around 6:00 pm, I wondered about the reason for the call, but I found him for the first time since we knew each other – 3 years ago- remembering my birthday and calling to wish me a happy year… I was so happy with this call really, because I didn’t expect it from this friend… and a minute after, I got also that he called me to talk, because he always tells me that he feels comfortable after talking with an understanding friend like me – this is a compliment I’m very proud of, because he isn’t the person that can easily praise someone-… well, if he only was calling to say happy birthday to me, I’d be very happy... But if he was calling to talk with me, I’d be above the sky… What-if he was calling to do both?!!! …

The duality here exists in my reactions to this relation, I feel like I’m doing my best thanks Allah, and he is a best friend indeed... but what I feel nowadays is like a sea with calm waves, in other words, I hate the static nature this relation had taken recently… only one side is talking and one side is listening, and we may exchange roles in the second turn… I hate calm waves, and this relation wasn’t so in the past, we were interacting much more dynamically, though we –both -are much more rational nowadays… I don’t mean that I need troubles or I like and search for them, but I mean that I hate static relations and static calls, or static meetings which lack to something new or something exciting even in the way of handling conversations… static relations make me feel things faded, and I begin to predict the fast end of the whole matter, though this is not the case here for this relation.. I feel it would live long Inshaa Allah…

A side-note that I shall mention here, just for documentation purposes:

in this call, he kept on asking me whether I have new things or new upcoming events, and I kept on telling him that life is so boring nowadays and nothing new… then he said this statement literally: ” isn’t there a guy who is proposing to you nowadays??”.. I told him:”No”… he said:”are you sure??”... I said:” yes, believe me, there isn’t”… and a sequence of related questions…

As most girls, I couldn’t prevent myself from asking myself the “what-if question”… it was a “what-if” from his side, not mine… specially that I feel nowadays that he is trying to regain the relation shape as it was 3 years ago, and he is trying to get closer as he was before…

but as Ghada, in those situations, I tend more to find many excuses, especially that I know him well, I know how much he is caring and curious as well, I know that he may ask me this question expecting that I’d deal with it the right way… add to this that I know all his previous stories…

• “Oh, my friend… you would always appear in Love, even-if you may not be actually in Love… you tend to go with all your senses in each story, each song as If you were a part of it” …said be Marwa, a year ago….
  I was already in love when she said this quote, I thought that this was really the reason for the impression she had, so if I’m not in love, I may be unable to go deeply with my soul in any story I hear from a friend… I may be unable to read lovers’ eye-signs, and I may be unable to find excuses for their actions and cases… this was my theorem about myself
  Last week I saw a film that – thanks Allah- refuted my theorem about myself… this film was entitled “P.S. I Love you”… without going on its details, I shall say that I was so content to feel that I was so affected and impressed by its story although I’m not in love nowadays…
  Another proof on my wrong theorem is that I had a conversation during which I felt as if words are like a frozen hammer, hitting strongly my mind, in a very hot day to the extent that made me smell the stench of my grilled mind...Teshsshshshhh!!!
• Actually I don’t know what I want exactly, I got so angry – though it was so deeply buried anger- when I had heard what contradicted the words I’d heard before, though I knew those the words I heard before were to some extent spelled out to sympathy me, but they to a great extent satisfied my ego, to the extent that I expected them again… I don’t know why my black-sided personality – which I don’t feel I can conform to- tends to appear strongly on the surface nowadays… it may be a result of this huge amount of frustration that my dreamy-sided or white-sided personality brought me… but it mustn’t be an excuse for not keeping a tight rein on my straying horse…

Final note: I enjoy my duality to the extreme… I always feel that it is the blessing which makes my life better and lifts up my days from the well of boredom, which I may fall into as a result of the unified sides of actions and moods… this gives me the ability to surf all kinds of waves, put on all styles, deal with all types, penetrating all minds…