"One vampire's bite brings another one's birth"

مش عارفه أنا هأكتب إيه دلوقتى... اول مره أفتح الوورد عشان بس اكتب أو أصرخ ... بس حقيقى مش عندى تصوّر معين أنا ممكن أكون عاوزه إيه من البوست دى النهارده... خايفه إنى أكتب حاجه توجعنى بعد كده لو قريتها... بس اللى مخلينى أكمل هو موجة مصارحة ومواجهة النفس اللى أنا عايشاها اليومين دول... كمان انا عارفه كويس إن مينفعش أزعل بعدين على حاجه كنت حاساها فى وقت معين ... عشان كل وقت وليه ظروفه ومواقفه اللى متصل بيها مجموعه من الاحاسيس... مفيش إحساس غلط ..بس ف إحساس غلط إن نحسه فى وقت معين.. أو نفضل حاسينه لمجرد إننا حسيناه قبل كده ونفع معانا...ده الغلط... فأنا حاسه إنى مش هأوجع نفسى بعد كده باللى هأكتبه ده ...

كنت دايما بصاحب ناس غريبه عنى ... مختلفين عنى تماما ... كنت باحب كده لأنى كنت بأتعلم أكتر من اختلافاتنا دى.. كنت ساعات ممكن أصاحب ناس شخصياتهم ومبادئهم مش زيى أبدا... كانوا أصحابى فى حد ذاتهم فيهم تشكيله وتنوع غريب جدا لدرجة إنى كنت ببقى حاسه إنى محتاجه أقلب ألف موود وموود عشان اتعامل معاهم... كل اللى حواليا فعلا كانوا بيندهشوا بإنى بأتعامل مع كل الناس كل واحد بطريقته... وبدماغه.. وبأتلون .. وكل حد فيهم كان بيحس إننا قريبين جدا... كنت فخوره جدا بعلاقاتى... اللى بعضها كنت بأعتبرها نوع من ترويض الأسود.. وده لأن درجة التباعد بينى وبين صاحبى او صاحبتى فيها كان عالى أوى ومع ذلك كننا بنحس بتناغم عالى أوى أنا وهو أو انا وهى نستغربله جدا...

لحد ماصاحبت واحد من مصاصى الدماء... وكنت مبسوطه أوى بنفسى إنى كنت قادره أروضه وأأمن شره وأثبت للناس إنه أليف... لكنه على غفله فى رقصه معاه عضنى... والأسطورة واضحه جدا لو عضك مصاص دماء هتتحول وتبقى زيه ..مصاص دماء برده ... انا مش افتكرت الحكايه دى إلا النهارده .. أما حسيت بقد إيه أنا بقيت قاسيه مع الناس اللى بيحبونى .. أو مش قاسيه بس بأطلب كتير بالذات من القريبين .. وكأن هما اللى لازم يأمنولى إنهم مش يطلعوا مصاصين دماء فى الآخر.. مع إنهم مفيش ليهم ذنب ف اللى جرالى .. بالعكس دول كانوا بيحاولوا يحمونى...

بجد حاسه وحش أوى... أنا فعلا مش أنانيه ولا وحشه من جوايا كده ... أنا بحب كل الناس وعمرى ماكنت بأدوس على حد بالعكس أنا ممكن أدوس على نفسى عشان اللى حواليا.. وده برده غلط... بس أقصد إنى عمرى ما كنت أنانيه...واما آجى أبقى وحشه وأجيب حقى من الدنيا أتدوّر على اللى بيحبونى وبيخافوا عليا بجد!!!
حاسه إنى فى طريقى إنى أتحوّل وأبقى زى اللى عمل معايا كده الله يجازيه..أو يمكن أنا فعلا بقيت كده وأنا مش حاسه... بس بجد أنا بأقاوم ده ...عارف الإنسان اللى فجأة يتحول لكل اللى كان بيرفضه قبل كده؟؟ انا فعلا مش عارفه أنا بقيت كده وللا أنا اللى مكبره الموضوع... بس كل اللى حاساه إنى بقيت حد غير نفسى.. وأنا نِفسى أرجع نَفسى تانى..بجد يارب ميكونش ظنى صح ... حاسه إنى فى طريقى للجنون.. يارب أكون بس بيتهيألى... هأموت من الخوف....بجد آسفه أوى لنفسى ولكل اللى حواليا... أنا لازم أكون أقوى من كده....

A new chapter

Today I’ve faced a situation which is not the first of this type. For the whole of 16 months I’m facing this same situation. While reading this entry you may ask yourself “if it is not a new state, so why she decided to write about it especially today”… my simple answer would be: because I finally decided to think about a solution, hoping that I may get to apply it soon and believing that facing problems is the best way to overcome them.

My problem nowadays is that I totally get hesitated about what I’m doing for someone or what I’m going to do for someone, feeling that I’m doing much more than what should be done.

Please, don’t misjudge my personality or my intentions. I’m not such arrogant or the self- conceited person that my words may represent. On the contrary, my friends used to describe my as “a giver”, when I was a student I used to be a community servant. Of course there are heavy reasons for my attitude to be changed that much, I’m not going to talk about them because they were mentioned thousands of times in my entries during the last 16 months. I’m just going to exhibit the problem I’m facing and the solutions suggested by one of my closest friends.

16 months ago, I began to think many times before doing any favor or any good thing for anyone. Maybe some people would find it the normal way of thinking because you should not do the good to all people all the time. You should choose to do the good things for those who deserve. But it was not my normal to do so, I was doing the good things for all people believing that even if they did not appreciate it, those good things may save me one day because they would be added to my good acts as a human being. I thought people are not measured by their achievements as much as they are measured; for me; by their good acts to their fellows and friends. Till I met someone who had proved to me that there are people who can make some achievements stepping on the others [and to the irony situation they are not even the great achievements which may deserve acting the arrogant one]. I turned to be the one I’m describing. Today I was suffering a great conflict. I was thinking whether to do something which would make a close friend very happy and would tire me a lot especially that I saw it coming and to take the risk of lack of appreciation or not to do it and lose the chance to create a memorable event with my friend, to make one of her wishes come true. This friend I believe she does not put things and people in their right perspective. Many people would find it normal to choose the second choice, but it is not my normal. I used to behave like Santa clause who makes wishes come true despite being unhappy. The evidence on not being in my normal is to have such conflict, because in my normal state, I will choose happily the first choice without thinking even for once of the returns I would gain. I was only interested on seeing this proud, happy look in my friends’ eyes. I traced this feeling to the extent that I enabled some people to abuse my feelings and interests.

I was talking to my companion, my honest mirror who had a solution based on choosing from two choices:

1- To continue giving, and in this case I should not regret anything I do for anyone because I’m the one who chose to do. It was an extra offer I made, so I should not blame anyone for not giving me in return, even if I was betrayed I should not feel ingratitude.

2- Not to give anymore, and in this case I should not feel bad for not doing anything for anyone or not having a hand over anyone’s life.

I feel these two choices are so definite; they are of the black/ white types. I love black/ white, but unfortunately I was not satisfied this time. I feel there is something missing about me which I can’t discover till now. I feel that anyone I’m doing something for should turn to be a partner in the action once I decided to do for her/him. Unfortunately, my mirror did not share this thinking with me; he thinks I’m the responsible totally and partially for the action since I decided to take over, because it was my offer in the first place, not the other’s demand. My mirror thinks that I’m now not able to control my acts, because I try to do good things to people around me while I’m feeling bad inside, so oneday the people I’m doing things for would realize that I’m doing things while feeling bad then they would feel bad and feel mad at me so my good intensions would be turned on me negatively.

I can’t make a decision!! Nowadays, I turned to be so impatient to wait for the returns in life as a whole. I think of the returns specifically from the person I did for, so I can’t choose the first choice. But I feel this is not a wise thinking, good acts always work for the person’s interest sooner or later. I always hope I get back to my natural instinct and this is what terrifies me of choosing the second choice. I hate being the pale person, I always believe that everyone’s existence in another person’s life should be for a reason and I’m always trying to have an effective existence in anyone’s life.

Am I mistaken? If you think I’m not please help me to make a decision J

a message in a bottle

I’ve seen your note entitled “the promise” and I thought I may comment as the topic reminded me of a situation I’d experienced with one of my friends long ago…

I had his promise to be friends forever… I had his promise to remain together and to be for him as he was for me… I can tell you that we were back to back and side by side… I thought it was a very special relation which I hadn’t experienced before …and I think he felt the same as he told me this in a call oneday… the same call in which he gave me his promises and I think he was so honest that day…

I was so honest and so loyal to him and I think he knew this… I thought I should do my best in this relationship as I considered it a long term- investment, you can call it a life-range investment as I was in it by my all and I’m not exaggerating in telling so… even if he had not felt so, but this was my all and I think he felt the implications of being in by my all…

Suddenly all the words and the promises had gone with the wind with no obvious reason… I really searched for the reason and I hadn’t found a single one…

I didn’t find my friend when I needed him… and really I needed him… while I think he always found me by him… in his sorrows before his happiness…

I felt ingratitude and infidelity…

I’ve tried my best to keep him… but I felt that he did not want to exert an effort to keep me...

I remember that he did nothing to keep his promises to me … he caused me to feel all what you’ve mentioned in your note…

Do you think I was mistaken to try to keep him??

Do you think I should have not taken his promises seriously from the beginning and acting upon?? Because as you know promises imply commitments and related issues the simplest of them is trying to keep the relation; the baseline of it, at least its structure. If I had not believed him once he gave me his word I think I would have not been sorry and feeling betrayed that much.

You mistakenly may think I’m talking while expecting I did no mistakes; but truly I’ve searched for those mistakes which caused the promises to turn to their opposites in my story and I had not found...

I can conclude that many promises can be broken when the person who gave the promise for some reason decides to pull his word back or to ignore the promise and forget it, mostly misevaluating the other person's ability to be aligned with the promise; ignoring that once s/he gave his/her word to someone; it becomes a deliberate property between the two persons. No one of them has the right to give it away by his/her own without warning the other person. I don’t know whether this applies to the situation you mentioned in your note; but this is my situation.

I think you will think again about your notes’ privacy settings after this message… but thanks anyhow for having the chance to see that you may think about your words oneday...

I think getting feedback from those who you had given words before, is more viable than getting feedback from those who you had not… hoping that you may get feedback from those who you were thinking of while you were writing this note.

هذا عتاب الحب للأحباب

تساءلوا: كيف تقول: هذى بلاد لم تعد كبلادى؟!

فأجبت: هذا عتاب الحب للأحباب

لا تغْضَبـِى من ثـَوْرَتِى.. وعتــابـــى

مازالَ حُّبــــكِ محنتى وعــــــــذابى

مازالتِ فى العين الحزينــــةِ قبلـــــة ً

للعاشقين بسحْـــركِ الخَـــــــــــلاَّبِ

أحببتُ فيكِ العمرَ طفــــلا ً باسمــــًا

جاءَ الحيــاة َ بأطهـر الأثـــــــــوابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ الليلَ حيــــن يضمنـــــــا

دفءُ القلــوبِ.. ورفـْقــَة ُ الأصحابِ

أحببتُ فيـكِ الأم تـَسْكـــُنُ طفلهَــــــا

مهما نأى.. تلقــاهُ بالتــَّـــرْحَـــــابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ الشمسَ تغسلُ شَعْــــرها

عنـدَ الغروبِ بدمعها المُنـْسَــــــابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ النيلَ يجــرى صَاخبــــًا

فـَيَهيمُ رَوْضٌ..فى عنــــَـاق ِ رَوَابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ شموخَ نهــر جامـــــــح ٍ

كم كان يُسكرنــى بــغيـر شَــــرَابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ النيلَ يسْجُــد خاشعِــــــا

لله ربــــًّــــا دون أى حســــــــابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ صلاة َ شعــبٍ مُؤْمــــن

رسمَ الوجـودَ على هُدَى مِحْـــرَابِ

أحببتُ فيكِ زمانَ مجـــدٍ غَابـــــــــر ٍ

ضيَّـعتــِـهِ سفهـــــًا على الأذنـــَـابِ

أحببتُ فِى الشرفـــاء عهدًا باقيــــــًا

وكرهـتُ كلَّ مُقـــــامر ٍ كـــــــذابِ

إِنى أحبــــكِ رغــــــم أَنى عاشــــقٌ

سَئِم الطوافَ.. وضـاق بالأعْـتـابِ

كم طاف قلبى فى رحابـــِـكِ خاشعًا

لم تعرفى الأنـْقـى.. من النـصـــَّابِ

أسرفتُ فى حبــــى.. وأنت بخيلـــــة ٌ

ضيعتِ عمرى.. واسْتـَبَحْتِ شَبَابى

شاخت على عينيكِ أحلامُ الصبـــــا

وتناثرت دمعـــا على الأهــــــــدابِ

من كان أولـَى بالوفاء ؟!.. عصابة َُ

نهبتكِ بالتدليـــــس.. والإرهـــــابِ ؟

أم قلبُ طفـل ذاب فيــــك صبابـــــة ً

ورميتهِ لحمًـــا على الأبــــــــوابِ ؟!

عمر من الأحزان يمـرح بيننــــــــا..

شبحُ يطوف بوجهـــهِ المُرْتــــــــَابِ

لا النيلُ نيلـُكِ.. لا الضفافُ ضفافهُ

حتى نخيلـُك تاهَ فى الأعشـــــــابِ !

باعُوكِ فى صخبِ المزادِ.. ولم أجد

فى صدركِ المهجور غيرَ عـــذابى

قد روَّضُوا النهرَ المكابـِرَ فانحنــــــَى

للغاصبيـــــــن.. وَلاذ بالأغْــــرَابِ

كم جئتُ يحملنى حَنِينٌ جــــــــــارفٌ

فأراكِ.. والجلادُ خلـفَ البَــــــــابِ

تـَتـَرَاقـَصين علـَى الموائـــــد فرحة ً

ودَمِى المراقُ يسيل فى الأنخــــابِ

وأراكِ فى صخب المزاد وليمــــــة ً

يلهو بها الأفـَّاقُ.. والمُتصـــــــابى

قد كنتُ أولى بالحنان ِ.. ولم أجـــــدْ

فى ليلِ صدرك غيرَ ضـوءٍ خــابِ

فى قِمة الهَرَم ِ الحزين ِ عصابـــــة ٌ

ما بين سيفٍ عاجز ٍ.. ومُـــــــرَابِ

يتعَبَّدُون لكــــل نجــــــــم ٍ سَاطِــــع ٍ

فإذا هَوَى صاحُوا: «نذيرَ خَرَابِ»

هرمُ بلون ِالموت ِ.. نيلٌ ساكــــــنٌ

أسْدٌ محنطـــــــــــة ٌبلا أنـْيَــــــــابِ

سافرتُ عنكِ وفى الجوانح وحشــــة ٌ

فالحزنُ كأسِى.. والحَنِينُ شَــرَابى

صوتُ البلابـِل ِغابَ عن أوكــــــاره

لم تعبئى بتشــــــردى.. وغيــــابى

كلُّ الرفاق رأيتـُهـــم فى غربتـــــــى

أطلالَ حُلم.. فى تـِلال ِ تـــــُرَابِ

قد هاجروا حُزْنـًا.. وماتوا لوعـــــة ً

بين الحنين ِ.. وفـُرقةِ الأصحــابِ

بينى وبينك ألفُ ميــــــل ٍ.. بينمـــــــا

أحضانـُك الخضراءُ للأغْــــرَابِ!

تبنين للسفهــــــــاء عشـًّـــــا هادئـــــا

وأنا أموتُ على صقيع شبابــــى !

فى عتمةِ الليل ِ الطويـــل ِ يشــــــدنى

قلبى إليكِ.. أحِنُّ رغم عــــــذابى

أهفو إليك.. وفى عُيُونِكِ أحتمـــــــى

من سجن طاغيةٍ وقصفِ رقــابِ

هل كان عدلا ً أن حبَّـكِ قاتـــلـــــــى

كيف استبحتِ القتلَ للأحبــــــابِ؟!

ما بين جلادٍ.. وذئــــــــــب حاقــــــدٍ

وعصابةٍ نهبتْ بغير ِ حســــــــابِ

وقوافلٍ للبُؤس ِ ترتـــــــــعُ حولنــــــا

وأنين ِ طفلٍ غاص فى أعصــابى

وحكايةٍ عن قلبِ شيــخ عاجــــــــــٍز

قد مات مصلوبًا على المحـــــرابِ

قد كان يصرخ: «لى إلـــــهٌ واحــدٌ

هو خالق الدنيـا.. وأعلـــمُ ما بى»

ياربِّ سطـَّرت الخلائـــقَ كلهَّـــــــا

وبكل سطـر ٍ أمــــــة ٌ بكتــــــــابِ

الجالسونَ على العروش توحَّشُــوا

ولكل طاغيـةٍ قطيــــــــعُ ذئـــــابِ

قــد قلـــــــتُ:إن الله ربٌّ واحـــــدٌ

صاحوا:"ونحن" كفرتَ بالأرْبَابِ؟

قد مزَّقوا جسدى.. وداسُوا أعظـُمى

ورأيتُ أشلائى على الأبــــــــوابِ

ماعدتُ أعرفُ أيْنَ تهدأ رحلـتـــى

وبأى أرض ٍ تستريـــح ركـــــَابى

غابت وجوهٌ.. كيفَ أخفتْ سرَّها ؟

هرَبَ السؤالُ.. وعز فيه جوابى

لو أن طيفـَا عاد بعـــد غيــــابــــه

لأرى حقيقة رحلتــــــى ومآبـــــى

لكنه طيفٌ بعيــــــدٌ.. غامـــــضٌ

يأتى إلينــــــا من وراء حجـــــــابِ

رحل الربيعُ.. وسافرت أطيــــارُه

ما عاد يُجدى فى الخريفِ عتــابى

فى آخر المشوار تبدُو صورتـــى

وسْط َ الذئاب بمحنتى وعــــــذابى

ويطل وجهُك خلفَ أمواج ِ الأسى

شمسًا تـُلـَوِّحُ فى وداع ِ سحــــــابِ

هذا زمانٌ خاننى فى غفـــــلــــــةٍ

منى.. وأدْمى بالجحــودِ شبـــــابى

شيَّعتُ أوهامـــى.. وقلتُ لـَعَلـَّنـى

يوما أعودُ لحكمــتـى وصـــــــوابى

كيف ارْتضـــيتُ ضلالَ عَهْدٍ فاجر

وفسادَ طاغيةٍ.. وغـــــــدرَ كِلابِ؟!

ما بين أحـــــلام ٍ تـَوارى سحْــرُها

وبريق ِ عُمر صارَ طيـــفَ سَرَابِ

شاختْ ليالى العُمر منـــى فجـــــأة ً

فى زيف حلم ٍ خــادع كـــــــــذابِ

لم يبق غيرُ الفقر يسْتـُر عَوْرَتـــــى

والفقرُ ملعونٌ بكـــل كِتــــــــــــــابِ

سِربُ النخيل ِعلى الشواطئ ينـْحَنى

وتسيلُ فى فــزع ٍ دِمـــــــاءُ رقاب ِ

ما كان ظنى أن تكونَ نهايتــــــــــى

فى آخر المشـــوار ِ دَمْعَ عتــــــابِ!

ويضيعُ عمرى فى دروبَ مدينتـــى

ما بين نار القهر ِ.. والإرْهـــــابِ

ويكون آخرَ ما يُطلُّ على المــــدى

شعبٌ يُهــــرْولُ فى سوادِ نقـــــابِ

وطنٌ بعَرض ِالكون ِيبـــــدو لعبـــة ً

للوارثين العرشَ بالأنســـــــــــابِ

قـَتـْــــــلاكِ يـــا أمَّ البلادِ تفرقـُــــــوا

وتشردُوا شِيَعًا على الأبْــــــــــوَابِ

رَسَمُوكِ حُلما..ثم ماتـوا وَحشـــــة ً

ما بين ظـُلـْم ِ الأهل ِ.. والأصْحَابِ

لا تخجلى ِ إن جئتُ بابَكِ عاريـــــًا

ورأيتِنى شَبَحــــًا بغيــــــر ثيــــــابِ

يَخْبُو ضياءُ الشمس ِ.. يَصغُر بيننا

ويصيرُ فى عَيْنى.. كعُودِ ثقـــــــــابِ

والريحُ تزأرُ.. والنجومُ شحيحـــــة ٌ

وأنا وراءَ الأفق ِ ضوءُ شهــــــــابِ

غضبٌ بلون العشق ِ.. سخـط ٌ يائسٌ

ونزيفُ عمر ٍ.. فى سُطـُور كتـابِ

رغْمَ انطفاءِ الحُلِم بين عيـــــــــــوننا

سيعودُ فجرُكِ بعدَ طول غيـــــــابِ

فـَلـْترحمى ضعْفِى .. وقلـَّة َ حِيلتــى

هذا عِتابُ الحُبِّ.. للأَحْبـــــــــــابِ

Under reconstruction

Every year I’m used to evaluate myself, my behavior and my attitude as a whole… this evaluation session usually is held in August… Dunno why August exactly but it maybe because August is the month in the middle of the summer holiday; I spend the first half of the holiday hanging out, sleeping, talking on the phone and watching movies, Then I begin at the second half of the holiday (August) to evaluate myself so as to get to the weakpoints whether they are characteristics or values need to be adjusted according to the personal and environmental consecutive changes.

This year I had not done this process the same way I use to do every year… instead; I had my mind so relaxed that it seemed to me as if it was a slacker which is totally unconscious…

to find myself after a month feeling so angry…

what had happened is that I was unaware of what I was doing internally… this time I was not evaluating myself or my behavior… but I was evaluating my relationships… of course every year I had used to evaluate my relationships as well… but this evaluation was done from my side or to my side… I was evaluating what I had done badly to the relations I’m having whether they are present relations or relations in the past; evaluating the lessons and learning from them…

this year my evaluation was quite different; I was evaluating the relations from the others’ side; by other means I was evaluating my gains from each relation I’m in nowadays… for the first time I do so… I was always evaluating what the others shall gain from me; and try to make more for them… I’m not declaring being an angel but I know well I’m always trying to make my friends happy…

The thing I had noticed this year that I’m so angry; the anger that I was hindering for the last years trying to convince myself that it maybe me who is the mistaken and who should be more flexible and adaptable… I found myself telling “enough… I got sick of this”… I felt being not satisfied with my relationships; I found most of them are not satisfying either psychologically, or mentally … some of them are very overloading and demanding to the extent that I found that I get nothing from this relation… of course no one gets nothing from a relationship; always there is a giver and a taker who should agree about each other’s percentage of either giving or taking and of what they should give and what they should take… i should be giving and taking of each relation I’m in… but what if the percent I’m giving is too tiring; and the percent I’m taking is too oppressing…

of course every issue has two sides; I’ve tried to get to the other perspective; to look at the full half of the glass… what if I’m taking what I’m not in a need of??... What if my friends are giving me by a good percent what I’m not feeling or I’m not thinking I need in the present…

but I’m always trying to give them all what I think they need; all what I would need if I were them… so what if I’m giving them too much of what they don’t need; so they don’t appreciate and they don’t give me a satisfactory return??... I think that if they were unsatisfied by what I think I’m doing; they would have not been that happy with me...I feel they are happy; they kept on telling me that they are happy when I did them something they like and even sometimes I may do somethings they don’t expect… I think I’m about to solve this conflict from this side…

also if they are unsatisfied with what I’m doing; they would not had missed those tiny things they were missing from me the few last weeks… I don’t know what to do know with my this increasing feeling of unsatisfaction… maybe I need to regard other aspects in my relationships… maybe I need to regard the full half in each personality but I swear that I’m already doing this with some relations I’m in and this is so overloading because I may regard some bright aspects of a friend’s personality which are not affecting me or s/he is not using to affect me… I keep hoping of this bright side of his/her personality and doing the good wishing that this bright side is affecting our relationship and then I find that I’m doing much more than I could be affected by the good of this relation… this of course is not the rule for all my relationships; but some of them…

I began to send an implicit message to each friend I’m considering a partner with me in a relation we have; his/her response would be the light which may lead me to the decision

I have two temporarily choices; from which I need to choose till I make my final decision… both are hard for me to implement and to deal with the consequences:

1- To go back one step and reconstruct all the unsatisfactory relations based on the new circumstances and the extent to which I need this relation. This would lead me to an empty soul with an empty circle…I may lose in this process two or three of the very few people who are still in…

2- To go on and move and keep everything as it is till I have my battery completely empty with nothing left to be given to anyone..

Really I have no idea of what to be done…

العودة

وها أنا ذا ...الغريبه إنى كان مفروض أرجع أكتب من زمان أوى وأتكلم عن حاجات كتير أوى... حاجات مش لازم تتنسى ...بتفاصيلها .. بحلوها ومرّها... عشان أنا فى الفترة اللى فاتت دى شفت ومريت بحاجات كتير وإتحركت فى أماكن كتير .. وإتعلمت حاجات كتير... وحاسه إن حاجات كتير وأفكار كتير إتغيرت فيا ...بقيت أنا مش أنا ... أنا مش عارفنى ...

بس لاقيت اللى حصل معايا إمبارح... على الرغم من إنه مش جديد ؛ بيدفعنى للكتابه تانى.. وده لأنه فكرنى بشوية حاجات لازم أعملها توثيق للذكرى وكمان عشان أبقى أشوفها وأتعلم منها وأفتكر نفسى كنت إزاى فى الفترة دى...زى بالظبط اللى حصل معايا دلوقتى...كتاباتى القديمة هى اللى كنت باحاول من خلالها فى الفترة اللى فاتت إنى أفتكر أنا مين...فكرتنى إنى كنت فى فتره عندى أفكار ذهبية ولازم أرجع كده تانى...فكرتنى لإنى كان عندى مشاعر وعواطف تملأ الكون كله حب ولازم أحاول أرجعها تانى عشان يرجع الدفء جوايا تانى... بجد بقالى سنه بالظبط تايهة وشبه فاقده الذاكرة ومحتاجة أفتكر كنت مين وبأعمل إيه...

كنت أخذت قرار إنى مش عدت هأكتب حاجه تانى؛ مش عشان مفيش حاجه تستحق التوثيق؛ بالعكس..بس عشان لاقيت إن مفيش أى حاجه دايمه، كل شئ بيروح ويتبدد فى ثوانى؛ الحب، الصداقة، العشرة، الاحلام ...حتى الثقة...ده حتى الزوج والزوجه اللى عاشوا مع بعض لسنين ممكن فى لحظة يتكون بينهم جدار الثلج ويبقوا أغراب عن بعض...معدش ف كلمة إسمها "للأبد" الكلمة دى بقت ملهاش طعم ولامعنى عندى...
أنا عارفه إنى مش بأقول حاجه جديدة ؛ بس أنا لسه بأتعلم؛ ف أما وصلت للحقيقة دى كانت جديدة عندى ... وأنا من النوع اللى مش بيصدق إلا أما يشوف ويجرب بنفسه...
كمان قلت مش هأكتب تانى لأنى وقت ما كنت بأكتب كنت كتبت حاجات حطيت فيها أغلى مشاعرى وأفكارى وقت كتابتها كنت حساها كنز غالى أوى؛ بس بعد كده كانت سبب زيادة ألمى وجرحى كل السنه ونص اللى فاتوا؛ مش لأنى ندمت على اللى كتبته؛ لأ مش ندمت ولا حاجه دى كانت أفكار ومشاعر صح أوى فى وقتها..كنت حاساها أوى ومقتنعة بيها جدا... لكن اللى كتبته زمان ده ساعد على إنى كل ما أقرأه تانى أفتكر أد إيه ممكن تكون الحقايق قدامنا ونبقى مش عاوزين نسمع ولانشوف؛ وقت ماتكون الحقايق واضحة كنت بأطردها من تفكيرى وبأغمض عينيا... ممكن إننا بإيدينا نسهل للآخرين خداعنا واللعب بينا ...

بس أرجع وأقول إنى لو كنت مش إتعرضت لأى حاجه صعبه فى حياتى مش كنت هأتعلم ولسه ياما هنتعلم...مش كنت هأبقى الشخصية اللى أنا عليها دلوقتى...بجد الحمد لله على كل اللى حصل ليا فى حياتى ... يمكن يكون فِ ناس حصل معاهم أكتر من كده... الحمد لله دلوقتى بجد بأشوف اللى من سنى منهم اللى لسه بيقع فى نفس المطبات اللى وقعت أنا فيها من 6 وللا 7 سنين...ومنهم اللى عمره أصلا ماهيكبر ولا يبقى زى الكبار ويحصلله زيهم !!

من الآخر؛ أنا رجعت النهاردة أكتب عشان أقول إنى هأرجع أكتب تانى اللى بأشوفه واللى بأحسه...واللى يحصل يحصل بقى...ده اللى هنشوفه مع بعض..وربنا يستر...