What is going on !!!

Really I don't know what is going on with my life …before I mentioned that I'm realizing some changes or problems that are going to rise into certain areas in my personality…but now I have proofs on this …actually, life events are facing me rapidly, in a manner I can't keep up with, even I can't adapt or develop my attitude to adapt with…I used to think of myself to have all the control nodes of the matters or I pretended to be so…NOW, even pretension I can't guarantee …I used to act and the others react…NOW, I think I act without awareness of what I'm doing, I think of the matter after acting not like before when I used to think then act and drive the others to react…NOW, I'm trying to just react hoping to achieve the minimal performance ,hoping that everything would be ok and wishing that one day I may get back to my previous performance or to my previous status…I used to be part of the news or even to make the event and organize it…NOW, I'm waiting for the news, hoping that the coming won't be worse and hoping that I may react well…really I'm wondering, what is going on !!!

Here I may mention the proofs of what I'm saying:

• A situation I'm facing nowadays with one of the T.A.s in the faculty… he is trying to play with me, hoping to achieve some appreciation or even my regard…but unfortunately he may haven't realize yet that he is one of those who I haven't and I won't consider at all except when I wanna have fun…I mean I consider him only when I wanna play at to have some fun not to play with…so, if he is trying to be a trouble in my life ...I'm saying sorry, even you are not capable of being so… sorry but I'm so busy ,not in the mood and I don't wanna have fun now… actually ,if you know that I've spent 5 minutes thinking of you and how to characterize my feelings concerning this issue to write this paragraph, I think you may consider it your luck day….
• Well, actually this situation is what triggered me to write this entry…here I realized really that I'm going into troubles with myself… it is ok if I'm the only one who is affected by my attitude…but when you begin to hurt the others…the close ones…you must have a pause with yourself and think of how to handle this… I couldn't believe I've turned to be that cruel one who doesn't notice her words… I've hurt one of my close friends… even while knowing that he is very overloaded and confused and while knowing that he will consider my words seriously, I haven't watched my words…and I was very aggressive and cruel with him … though, I was supposed to choose my words considering his feelings and nerves but for the first time I didn't care at all!!!... I don't know I think this is the first time I behave like this with him – he hasn't told me before that I hurt him – … now I feel guilt and I don't know how to fix the situation….what a pity!!!!
• Back to the enemy I've talked about in a previous post, after more thinking of the situation, I realized that I mustn't even be grateful to him …yes, and this won't be some sort of ingratitude at all …as you mustn't be grateful to someone who did something illegal, even if he did so to help you…it is not acceptable at all …besides, I still can't trust his intentions of this help… so if I think of the matter in two ways:

1. If I remain grateful to that enemy, I'd lose Ghada herself, actually I'd be a mean, besides he did something illegal so he doesn't deserve gratitude at all
2. If I acted meanly, I may be making a risk, but I'd preserve Ghada…

in both situations ,I'm a loser, but the second actually appeals to me and gives me better chances…besides, I always can play as a mean so what is new now?...

• The last situation I wanna mention here is about one friend who was considered to be my close friend last year, I knew her 6 years ago when we were in the secondary school…last year we were very close, though she has the same problem I face with my group – she doesn't understand me – but she was the nearest ….now I found that we stand 180 degrees apart… the gap is getting wider and deeper… and really now I've no sense or mood or intention on fixing the situation ..or you may say that I found that I don't want to do anything concerning this topic because now I can't bear what I was bearing before and I think the same for her –due to certain situations and new circumstances such as her engagement, I think she may have the same attitude as me- … so I prefer not to do anything or even to talk about the matter, leaving the days to say the final word in this whole situation…hoping that what will be going on is the best for both of us....

Final quote: concerning all those situations, I believe that Allah knows what is better for us more than we do…even if we pretend to know what suites us the most, we soon may realize that we were mistaken…

personality recognition part I-I : life between abstract and concrete personalities

Some people may think the reason of this entry is to satisfy two close friends I think I may have disturbed with my ideas …this reason appeals to me though it is not actually the main reason for this post but it is ok… this concrete friend and his beautiful lovely abstract fiancée deserve so…actually, the main reason for writing this is to clarify my ideas which may have caused some confusion or misleading -to some extent- in judging the situations and the persons…

I won't here talk about friendship between different forms of personalities but I will talk only about life and love…not as friendship is not important, I used to have a friend whose nickname on the msn is " life= = friendship" and I completely agree with her, add to this " life = = true love"...I'm going to talk only about life and love as with your friend you may accept him for the one he is without even thinking in changes – actually you may try to change his mind ,change his way, his attitude or behavior- ... ok, but in the case of partner, you must be satisfied completely with his attitude and behavior and you will do your best to comfort him/her as well , while you may accept some matters that may not comfort you with your friend with a belief that to maintain a strong or a nice relation with your friend you mustn't be insistent on getting all what you want in your friend but you must be insistent on getting all or most of your dreams on your partner…

I'll talk in detail about life between abstract and concrete personalities because this is the most common form of joint life…

Well, let's start with a principle I wanna mention now… many of us agree on that abstraction is the default form for females and concretion is the common form for males…

When an abstract female and a concrete male are going to get engaged:

Of course both reorganize his/her life to welcome and accommodate to the new situation …. The point here is this is the only joint step because the concrete person would have another step to perform alone, he will need to perform another level of re-organization but now it will be personality re-organization…actually for two reasons:

First: you may need to remove some of the roughness and sharpness of your personality and attitude…you may need to apply some new features like sharing or listening… I don't mean that concrete persons are hard or bad, they may have all those nice features deep inside but they only need to re-form the interface within which they present those features when they are dealing with their abstract partners...

Second: to ensure completion and integration…to minimize the gap between the two different natures of concrete and abstract persons…

At this point two questions rise:

The first: why I insist on re-organization not re-construction?

The answer is simply as we don't want the world to be based on only abstract persons… and the rest concrete persons will be turned to be abstract…no…we won't make it the right way if we think like this and we also won't try to turn all abstract persons to be concrete – the life would be very hard if all people are concrete – also it won't happen even if we tried hard….

You re-construct your personality when you have a weak personality or when you have bad behavior and manners and I've said before that concrete persons aren't bad at all…

The second question would be: why don't we ask the abstract girl to re-organize her personality as well??

Let's think about it, if she tried to re-organize her personality she would be moving toward concretion and this is not acceptable at all as the default for females is abstraction….more, if we considered love to be a human , to which category will it be classified?? Will we classify it to be an abstract person or a concrete person? I think it is very clear; it would have been classified to be an abstract person…so females aren't asked to move toward concretion as the default in love is abstraction …more, love is a strong relation which can impose its conditions on persons and personalities …it has no rules but suggests new rules and circumstances…SO, it can easily raise new concepts that don't exist in the dictionary of concrete personalities…

The point -I argue with you my friend about it- here is that you always say that the most tedious part would be the concrete person's part … but I disagree with you in this….

Imagine you spent your life believing that 1+1=2…then a person enters your life – your abstract partner- bringing new colors to it, trying to recalculate the equation with you and trying to convince you that we may –together- make it 1+1=3 maybe 4 or as we wish –together-, trying to make your life more soft and flexible, would it be easy to change your belief about the equations and circumstances?…you are trying to develop yourself and she is encouraging and triggering you to change, what do you think now? Who has the most tedious part?

You may be afraid of losing your concrete part...but it is ok, you won't lose it at all as you are changing only when you deal with your partner, of course you may have to apply some changes to the whole of your life and when you are dealing with the others, but those changes are due to the joint life not for exactly the entrance of an abstract person into it…but the changes in your concrete personality would be only observed when you deal with your partner only not anyone…also, joint life would trigger your ambition more and more and I think this is very good for concrete persons…

Mixtures and variations in models:

• When both are abstract with a concrete mask ,it is believed to be the most ideal model as both of them may move freely from a personality to another with the minimum effort in re-organization...
• When the male is concrete and female is abstract, it is believed to be the most common model...
• The model with an abstract male and concrete female, I think it is the most suffering model as it to some extent contrasts with the nature of both of them…
• The model with two abstract persons, what a beautiful colorful life full of love and feelings…besides, man takes his role in leading the family normally...
• Finally, the hardest model which is composed of two concrete persons…actually life here is very dry, lacks feelings…they may love each other but in silence, their love may be translated into numbers, more ambition, hard work…but this is not enough for love which is said to be abstract…also, it is not always true that silence is the secret language of love, there are situations that needs the rule to be broken…

Final quote: you have told me before that "concrete persons may lose the fight, while abstract persons get hurt"…I may add to this that "concrete persons may get promotion, while abstract persons reach their dreams"

Sleeping with the enemy!!!

Really I'm wondering what is going on!!!….actually I don't aim from this title at the film entitled:" sleeping with the enemy" …I'm aiming at a situation I realized I'm passing through…

I didn't expect that one day I may be grateful to the enemy!!! ..Really this is what I'm experiencing with myself nowadays and I hate alot… I'm afraid the next step would be to smile at then to get to sleep with the enemy!!!... Yes the enemy him/herself….

I used to be the one who says what she wants to whom she likes to say to when she needs to do so, with no restrictions, no limitations and with no regression…. I really like myself that way and I'll do my best to afford changing this fact about myself…

The story began this year, when I decided to just relax and calm down when playing with the enemy actually after my troubles with the dean of the enemies I realized that the game is getting more exciting and dangerous as well ..So I must be cautious and it is ok to have a break, while keeping silence, setting in the dark, watching closely the enemy's actions, taking down notes to discover this new interesting world…

Actually this contrasts with my nature as a "trouble maker" , but I found it ok to have some time to concentrate more on my missions – even ,I did not concentrate on them due to certain situations I mentioned in the previous post –..But the part that scares me alot nowadays that I find myself keeping silence while I wanna talk …more, I find myself nowadays having protocols and policies while dealing with the others from the higher organizational levels -it is not bad to behave like this, but it is TOO BAD to behave like this with the enemy, that is the point here –….

I always believed to be able to impose my conditions everywhere not because I'm strong or because of some of my relatives' positions but due to my character and nothing more…I didn't like to be a victim at all, in contrast, I always liked to act as A bird on a wire ,to have the risk when dealing with the enemy… when I realize that I'm going to be a victim of a game, I turn this game on the one who is trying to play with me …. For his/her extreme cleverness – actually stupidity and silliness- he won't realize that he is the victim not me … and this is the most exciting part really, then and immediately I can take all I want without giving anything at all then I may scream under the sun " hey LOSER"......Actually one of my friends oneday described me as a mean – she aimed at this but she didn't dare to say it – but actually she didn't realize that it was a self defense nothing more…

These days I find that I'm a tool in a dirty game but actually I do nothing to stop this or to even have fun, I applied the principle of a means to a way i.e. as long as I'll benefit at the end of this game , it is ok ..But actually now I feel that really I'm a mean!!!

I used to play games with the enemy but to make deals with him... this is not of my manners!!!

I don't know whether this is some sort of wisdom or responsibility towards myself – i.e. feeling that I must afford getting into troubles – but all I really know that I hate this about myself too much…I like to live freely…speak freely…act freely…

These days unfortunately are full of events or maybe indicators and circumstances that I can't catch up with…I find myself making deals with the enemy, chatting behind the doors of the closed rooms...full of thoughts and life facts and events that are larger than me ...

I'm afraid that oneday, self development and changes may get to be out of my control or without awareness….really, I'm afraid of approaching this level and I don't have plans yet to deal with such situation….

Whether those changes are going the right way or the wrong way but I don't want them … at least now, maybe I'll need in the future...But now,it is my chance, my only chance to live the way I like ….. And as I said before, I'll do my best to afford to be changed this way!!!