and even though, you deserve my gratitude !

Long ago, they used to perceive me as a strong young girl, that can't be broken...I perceived myself as a girl to be broken, to the extent that my good trustful friends themselves challenged me... Intentionally, or unintentionally they broke my heart...they let me down...

Then they realised that I was broken..."they were sorry for me...they did this unintentionally, they did not mean to let me down"... They said...

They thought it is noble to challenge a girl for her trust, they thought it is noble to act your acts to prove she is unbreakable, they thought it is noble to think she is unbreakable...

Now, after this time...I'm thankful that you proved I can be broken...but I can rise up again... I'm thankful for the lessons you taught me, and for the facts you enlightened about myself... After this time, I realised that your role in my life was to show me myself - my good, bad, evil, breakable, fragile, delicate self- ...and after I learnt all these lessons...you have nothing to do with my present and my future....thanks for being there in my past......and only there in my past....

الفرق بيننا وبين شباب ٢٥ يناير

أصدقائى الأعزاء   خلونى آخد من وقتكم 5 دقائق بس...   إحنا كلنا كان الانترنت ووسائل الاتصالات مقطوعة فترة 5 أيام الأسبوع اللى فات ...ثم عادت الحياة من جديد من 3 أيام...رجعنا كلنا هنا على الفيس بوك...وكننا كلنا مخنوقين أوى من اللى بيجرى وعاوزين نتكلم ونقول رأينا   الحمد لله كلنا قلنا رأينا...وعبرنا كفاية عن وجهات نظرنا وإحنا مع أو ضد الثورة ...   المشكلة بقى لما بدأنا نتكلم فى هل الشباب يفضلوا فى ميدان التحرير وللا يمشى...إنت مع استمرار بقاء الوضع الحالى لحين رحيل الرئيس وللا نستنى 7 شهور اللى باقيين فى مدته ...والناس بقى اللى بدأت تهاجم الشباب أو تؤيدهم وما إلى ذلك من آراء...   بعضنا كان تصادمى جدا ... كان بيدخل ويا إما يقنع الناس بوجهة نظره يا يهاجمهم...وفى اللى حتى أغلقوا الأكونت بتاعهم عشان قال إيه أصحابى حرقوا دمى بآراءهم !!! والمجموعة اللى مش تصادميه ...إكتفوا بإنهم يكتبوا تعليقات أو يحللوا أو يتفلسفوا أو إنهم بس بيعملوا شير لنوت فيها رأيه أو رأى حد تانى...أو فيديوهات عن اللى حصل أو بيحصل... أو يكتفى بإنه يقوللنا رأيه فى استيتس   أنا بس عاوزه أقول نقطتين:  1- أولا رأيك على الفيس بوك مش هيفرق دلوقتى فى حاجه ...عشان ببساطه كل الفعل ورد الفعل دلوقتى على الأرض...يعنى الشباب اللى فالمظاهرات مش هيروحوا بيوتهم يبصوا  على الفيس بوك عشان يسمعوا رأيك ...ولا هيتفرجوا على التيلفزيون وبعدين يقتنعوا ويقولوا آآآه والله معاه حق اللى بيتكلم ده !!!...ولا اللى رايح يتفاوض هيبص عالفيس عشان يشوف الشعب اللى بيهلل هنا...كله على الأرض...والموقف مرهون بطرفين ...اللى فى إيدهم صناعة القرار... + الشباب اللى فالمظاهرات وبالتالى إنت رأيك هنا مالوش هدف إلا إنك بتسخن من ناس...أو بتسخن الناس حواليك     2- إنت إخترت من الأول إن يكون مكانك الفيس بوك ... وكنت من الصامتين ...إلا اللى كانوا فالمظاهرات ورجعوا يبقى دلوقتى هما خلاص رجعوا... طيب دلوقتى لو انت مش كنت فعّال ...باللى إنت بتكتبه أو بتقوله على الفيس هنا أصبحت صاحب دور فاعل فالموضوع ...لكن للأسف فاعل سلبى...لأنك ساهمت فى نشر الفتنه ...   إنت كده كده دلوقتى مفيش ليك تأثير...تأثيرك فالقرار هيكون وقت الانتخابات او لو ف استفتاء هيحصل...لكن غير كده لو مش فالمظاهرات ...ولو انت مش من لجنة الحكماء ...يبقى هأطلب منك طلب واحد :   لو سمحت إسكت لو عاوز الشباب يكملوا فى ميدان التحرير ...إنزل أقعد معاهم ... لو عاوز الشباب يرجعوا من المظاهرات ...يبقى إنزلهم فالمنطقه اللى بيتظاهروا فيها ...وكلمهم وقللهم رأيك لكن مش تقولنا رأيك هنا لو مش إتسألت عنه ...فالوقت الحاضر خلونا نهدى ...وبعد الأزمة ماتعدى نتكلم تانى ونقول رأينا   لكن إنك تكتب رأيك فى إستيتس هنا ...أو تعمل شير لنوت أو فيديو ...وتبدأ النقاشات والفزلكة والتحليلات ...لو سمحتم الوضع مش ناقص انقسامات ولا فتنه ...خلونا نفكر بعقل ونمنع الضرر اللى ممكن نمنعه   على فكرة الداعية عمرو خالد لما دعا لإنترنت بلا فتنة مكنش يقصد بس الفتنة بين المسلمين والمسيحين ...كان يقصد فتنة زى اللى إحنا فيها دلوقتى ...   نعمل شير لنوت او فيديو او ايفنت بيتكلم عن اللى هنعمله بعد الأزمة...زى مثلا حملة تعمير مصر... لكن اللى بنعمله دلوقتى ده بيسخن ومالوش لازمة فالوقت الحالى   فرجاء نهدى مع بعض ...ونسكـــــت لو مش هنشارك مع شباب المظاهرات   وشكرا

مش مهم تبتسم النهارده...المهم تعرف ازاى تضحك بكره

كنت اتكلمت قبل كده عن ان مفيش حاجه اسمها فشل؛ ده بيكون طريق تانى لسكة تانيه محتاجين نمشى فيها فى حياتنا ...بنبقى فالأول مش عاوزين نمشى فى الطريق ده وبنعتبر اى حركه بره الطريق اللى راسمينه لنفسنا تعتبر فشل ؛ مع انه ممكن يكون طريق تانى للنجاح سواء نفس النجاح اللى كننا محتاجينه او نجاح فى سكة تانيه كننا محتاجينها برده بس مكوناش داريين بيه لكن لأن الإنسان دايما متسرع ودايما عاوز الدنيا تكون سهلة، غروره بيصورله انه عارف كل حاجه؛ بالظبط زى سواق الميكروباص اللى يفضل عامل نفسه بيخرم من شوارع جانبية ؛ وفالآخر يلاقى نفسه بيخبط فى حيطة سد؛ مع انه كان ممكن يمشى من الشارع الرئيسى ويوصل فى وقت أقل من اللى ضيعه دلوقتى.

لو كل واحد مهموم او متضايق دلوقتى عمل فلاش باك كده بذاكرته على الأحداث أو المواقف اللى ضايقته فى حياته هيلاقى إنه 80 % من مشاكله كان هو السبب فيها ؛ لأنه كان بيفسر الأمور على هواه ولو كان صبر وقرا ما بين السطور كان هيعرف إن اللى كان مضايقه أيامها كان سبب خير كبير ليه بعد كده...الموقف اللى كان شافه نهاية الدنيا وخلاص بقى مش هاعدى منها؛ كان فالحقيقه بداية تغيير فى حياته اللى وصلت وبقت حياته اللى هو عايشها دلوقتى، وإلا يعنى لو كانت نهاية الدنيا مكنش زمان حضرتك قاعد بتقرا اللى انا كتباه ده دلوقتى...

من كتر المواقف اللى بتمر علينا؛ إحنا محتاجين نؤمن إننا بنتحرك من الكويس للأحسن ؛ أو بيبقى مكتوب لينا اننا نوصل للحلو؛ لكن بتسرعنا إحنا بنشوف الوحش بس ونعيش فيه... واحد دلوقتى هيقوللى إنه اتنقل فى حياته كذا مرة من الحلو للوحش؛ وكان مرتاح وبعدين اتبهدل وتعب...هاقولله لأ يا حلو انت اللى نقلت نفسك النقله اللى مش عاجباك دى؛ لأنك وقفت فى وش التغيير اللى جالك فى حياتك مع انك كنت ممكن تطوعه انه يبقى لصالحك؛ لكن اللى انت عملته انك اخترت الجانب الوحش وعشت فيه... وهنا بقى بييجى دور ميزتين محتاجين ان يبقوا فينا عشان نقدر على اللى الدنيا مخبياه لينا: الحاجتين دول:

• قوة البصيرة: بمعنى انك تحاول تعمل لنفسك قاعدة خبرات جوة دماغك وقلبك ...تجمع فيها خبراتك وموقفك من الاحداث اللى مرت عليك...حلوة ووحشه... قاعدة الخبرات دى هتساعدك انك بعد كده اما تتعرض لنفس الموقف او موقف شبيه...تبقى جايب من الآخر.... آآه فاكر يا أحمد اما فركشت المرة اللى فاتت؟؟ موتت نفسى من العياط ....مروحتش الكلية ولا ذاكرت ... قلت دانا خلاص هاموت ... نهاية الدنيا بقى... بس أدينى عايش اهه وفاتتنى محاضرات كتير وباقول ياريتنى حضرتها ...لأنى عرفت واحده جديده وعرفت احب من تانى ...قلبى عرف يشتغل يعنى مسلمش نمر من المرة اللى باظت دى .... إذن المرة دى أما فركشت هابقى عارف انها مش نهاية الدنيا وانى هاعيش وهاكمل ... وساعتها هاعرف اعدى الأزمه أسرع ... كده بقى انا جبت من الآخر... وكنت شايف النهاية من البداية ...فموجعتش قلبى كتير...وموقفتش وقت طويل ... قوة البصيرة انك تعمل اسقاطات من المواقف اللى حصلتلك زمان على الأحداث اللى بتحصللك دلوقتى؛ هتوصل للنتايج اللى انت محتاج تعرفها من الأول ...ممكن يكون موقف جديد مش عدى عليك قبل كده...بس صدقنى؛ حتى لو مش عارف ان ليه نهاية ؛ فإيمانك إن هيكون فى نهاية فى حد ذاته ده نوع من قوة البصيرة...

• روح المغامرة: إنك تبقى عارف إنك مش عارف الدنيا مخبيالك إيه ولا بتدعى انك جايب من الآخر زى سواق الميكروباص اللى بيخرم ده ...لكن مع علمك ده فإنت واثق إنك لازم تتحرك لأن الدنيا مش هتديك طول ما إنت واقف مكانك؛ لأ إنت هتشد منها اللى إنت عاوزه وعندك الصبر إنك تعمل كده وتعمل اى حاجه عشان تاخد منها اللى انت عاوزه...مش معنى انك تعمل اى حاجه يعنى انك تعمل حاجه غلط ؛لأ طبعا...بس أقصد إنك تعمل كل اللى تقدر عليه حتى لو كانت حاجات الناس كلهم واقفين قصادك فيها ...أو الحاجات اللى ماكونتش تتصور نفسك هتقدر تعملها، روح المغامرة هتخليك تجرب تعملها...ماهو أصل لو فكرت شويه، هتلاقى ان محدش هيقدر ياخد منك حاجه انت مش اديتهاله بمزاجك؛ مهما حصللك من الدنيا فالنهاية انت مش هتتعلم غير كده...

هو أنا مش قلتلك ؟؟؟ طيب إسمع بقى الكلمتين دول وركز معايا فيهم حبتين...

لأن الدنيا عنيده زيك بالظبط؛ مش بيهون عليها تسيب حاجه من إيديها بسهولة؛ فهى برده زيك بالظبط ف إنها بتحب اللى يلاعبها وتلاعبه... لو إنت جريت عليها هتجرى منك؛ لكن لو طنشت اللى فى إيدها هتدهولك...المهم انك تفهم إزاى تلعب معاها وتلاعبها... هى بتفضل طول ما انت ماشى تديلك دروس، فى كل مرحلة من حياتك...والدرس اللى تاخده؛ تديلك عليه اختبار...عديته من أول مرة (وقليل اما ده بيحصل) بتديهولك فى شوية صور تانيه لحد ماتضمن انك عديت منه بكل اشكاله... طيب لو معدتش منه؟؟ ساعتها بقى تفضل تديلك اختبار تانى فى نفس الدرس...عديت ب 20% اتعلمتهم...تديلك واحد تانى... اتعلمت منه 60% ...يبقى كده انت قربت ...تفضل تديلك نفس الدرس والاختبارات اللى عليه لحد ما توصل انك اتعلمت 100% من الدرس اللى مفروض تتعلمه ده ... خلاص وصلت.. تمام ...يبقى تديلك اللى بعده ...وتفضل كده فى دايرة تعليم وتعلم طوووول مانت عايش وفيك الروح ...حتى لو عندك 80 سنه برده لازم تفضل تتعلم ...وإلا تبقى إيه لازمتك فالحياه؟؟...الفاشل بجد هو اللى بيتنح ويرفض التعليم ...بييأس بسرعه ويقعد يعيط ويقول الدنيا بتعمل فيا كده ليه...بيقف ويضيع وقت كتير اوى ... بيقع فالمرجلة الانتقاليه بين نجاح ونجاح او بين حلو وأحلى... وبيبقى متخيل ان الدنيا هتقف ليه ولّا عليه ...وان الناس مش مفروض بتحركوا ويتقدموا ...وبيتصدم أما بيلاقيهم بيتقدموا وهو واقف مكانه... ياحراام واقف محلك سر مفيش حركه... مش كفاية زى قلتك فالدنيا لأ وكمان مش عاوز حتى تنفع نفسك !!!

الخلاصه، مش كل اللى يصيبك يبقى وحش ؛ ولا كل حاجه بتبقى زى ما هى باينه لينا... الأصل فى حياتنا اننا بنتنقل من الحلو للأحسن ؛ لأن ربنا مخلقناش عشان نتبهدل او نتعب...لكنه خلقنا عشان نعيش ونعمّر ؛ وعشان ده يحصل لازم نكون أقوى ونبقى أد الحياة ونتعلم فيها ونعلّم فيها....

وأخيرا....يا تكوون أد الحياه ...ياتعيش وحيد وسط الدرووووب

"One vampire's bite brings another one's birth"

مش عارفه أنا هأكتب إيه دلوقتى... اول مره أفتح الوورد عشان بس اكتب أو أصرخ ... بس حقيقى مش عندى تصوّر معين أنا ممكن أكون عاوزه إيه من البوست دى النهارده... خايفه إنى أكتب حاجه توجعنى بعد كده لو قريتها... بس اللى مخلينى أكمل هو موجة مصارحة ومواجهة النفس اللى أنا عايشاها اليومين دول... كمان انا عارفه كويس إن مينفعش أزعل بعدين على حاجه كنت حاساها فى وقت معين ... عشان كل وقت وليه ظروفه ومواقفه اللى متصل بيها مجموعه من الاحاسيس... مفيش إحساس غلط ..بس ف إحساس غلط إن نحسه فى وقت معين.. أو نفضل حاسينه لمجرد إننا حسيناه قبل كده ونفع معانا...ده الغلط... فأنا حاسه إنى مش هأوجع نفسى بعد كده باللى هأكتبه ده ...

كنت دايما بصاحب ناس غريبه عنى ... مختلفين عنى تماما ... كنت باحب كده لأنى كنت بأتعلم أكتر من اختلافاتنا دى.. كنت ساعات ممكن أصاحب ناس شخصياتهم ومبادئهم مش زيى أبدا... كانوا أصحابى فى حد ذاتهم فيهم تشكيله وتنوع غريب جدا لدرجة إنى كنت ببقى حاسه إنى محتاجه أقلب ألف موود وموود عشان اتعامل معاهم... كل اللى حواليا فعلا كانوا بيندهشوا بإنى بأتعامل مع كل الناس كل واحد بطريقته... وبدماغه.. وبأتلون .. وكل حد فيهم كان بيحس إننا قريبين جدا... كنت فخوره جدا بعلاقاتى... اللى بعضها كنت بأعتبرها نوع من ترويض الأسود.. وده لأن درجة التباعد بينى وبين صاحبى او صاحبتى فيها كان عالى أوى ومع ذلك كننا بنحس بتناغم عالى أوى أنا وهو أو انا وهى نستغربله جدا...

لحد ماصاحبت واحد من مصاصى الدماء... وكنت مبسوطه أوى بنفسى إنى كنت قادره أروضه وأأمن شره وأثبت للناس إنه أليف... لكنه على غفله فى رقصه معاه عضنى... والأسطورة واضحه جدا لو عضك مصاص دماء هتتحول وتبقى زيه ..مصاص دماء برده ... انا مش افتكرت الحكايه دى إلا النهارده .. أما حسيت بقد إيه أنا بقيت قاسيه مع الناس اللى بيحبونى .. أو مش قاسيه بس بأطلب كتير بالذات من القريبين .. وكأن هما اللى لازم يأمنولى إنهم مش يطلعوا مصاصين دماء فى الآخر.. مع إنهم مفيش ليهم ذنب ف اللى جرالى .. بالعكس دول كانوا بيحاولوا يحمونى...

بجد حاسه وحش أوى... أنا فعلا مش أنانيه ولا وحشه من جوايا كده ... أنا بحب كل الناس وعمرى ماكنت بأدوس على حد بالعكس أنا ممكن أدوس على نفسى عشان اللى حواليا.. وده برده غلط... بس أقصد إنى عمرى ما كنت أنانيه...واما آجى أبقى وحشه وأجيب حقى من الدنيا أتدوّر على اللى بيحبونى وبيخافوا عليا بجد!!!
حاسه إنى فى طريقى إنى أتحوّل وأبقى زى اللى عمل معايا كده الله يجازيه..أو يمكن أنا فعلا بقيت كده وأنا مش حاسه... بس بجد أنا بأقاوم ده ...عارف الإنسان اللى فجأة يتحول لكل اللى كان بيرفضه قبل كده؟؟ انا فعلا مش عارفه أنا بقيت كده وللا أنا اللى مكبره الموضوع... بس كل اللى حاساه إنى بقيت حد غير نفسى.. وأنا نِفسى أرجع نَفسى تانى..بجد يارب ميكونش ظنى صح ... حاسه إنى فى طريقى للجنون.. يارب أكون بس بيتهيألى... هأموت من الخوف....بجد آسفه أوى لنفسى ولكل اللى حواليا... أنا لازم أكون أقوى من كده....

A new chapter

Today I’ve faced a situation which is not the first of this type. For the whole of 16 months I’m facing this same situation. While reading this entry you may ask yourself “if it is not a new state, so why she decided to write about it especially today”… my simple answer would be: because I finally decided to think about a solution, hoping that I may get to apply it soon and believing that facing problems is the best way to overcome them.

My problem nowadays is that I totally get hesitated about what I’m doing for someone or what I’m going to do for someone, feeling that I’m doing much more than what should be done.

Please, don’t misjudge my personality or my intentions. I’m not such arrogant or the self- conceited person that my words may represent. On the contrary, my friends used to describe my as “a giver”, when I was a student I used to be a community servant. Of course there are heavy reasons for my attitude to be changed that much, I’m not going to talk about them because they were mentioned thousands of times in my entries during the last 16 months. I’m just going to exhibit the problem I’m facing and the solutions suggested by one of my closest friends.

16 months ago, I began to think many times before doing any favor or any good thing for anyone. Maybe some people would find it the normal way of thinking because you should not do the good to all people all the time. You should choose to do the good things for those who deserve. But it was not my normal to do so, I was doing the good things for all people believing that even if they did not appreciate it, those good things may save me one day because they would be added to my good acts as a human being. I thought people are not measured by their achievements as much as they are measured; for me; by their good acts to their fellows and friends. Till I met someone who had proved to me that there are people who can make some achievements stepping on the others [and to the irony situation they are not even the great achievements which may deserve acting the arrogant one]. I turned to be the one I’m describing. Today I was suffering a great conflict. I was thinking whether to do something which would make a close friend very happy and would tire me a lot especially that I saw it coming and to take the risk of lack of appreciation or not to do it and lose the chance to create a memorable event with my friend, to make one of her wishes come true. This friend I believe she does not put things and people in their right perspective. Many people would find it normal to choose the second choice, but it is not my normal. I used to behave like Santa clause who makes wishes come true despite being unhappy. The evidence on not being in my normal is to have such conflict, because in my normal state, I will choose happily the first choice without thinking even for once of the returns I would gain. I was only interested on seeing this proud, happy look in my friends’ eyes. I traced this feeling to the extent that I enabled some people to abuse my feelings and interests.

I was talking to my companion, my honest mirror who had a solution based on choosing from two choices:

1- To continue giving, and in this case I should not regret anything I do for anyone because I’m the one who chose to do. It was an extra offer I made, so I should not blame anyone for not giving me in return, even if I was betrayed I should not feel ingratitude.

2- Not to give anymore, and in this case I should not feel bad for not doing anything for anyone or not having a hand over anyone’s life.

I feel these two choices are so definite; they are of the black/ white types. I love black/ white, but unfortunately I was not satisfied this time. I feel there is something missing about me which I can’t discover till now. I feel that anyone I’m doing something for should turn to be a partner in the action once I decided to do for her/him. Unfortunately, my mirror did not share this thinking with me; he thinks I’m the responsible totally and partially for the action since I decided to take over, because it was my offer in the first place, not the other’s demand. My mirror thinks that I’m now not able to control my acts, because I try to do good things to people around me while I’m feeling bad inside, so oneday the people I’m doing things for would realize that I’m doing things while feeling bad then they would feel bad and feel mad at me so my good intensions would be turned on me negatively.

I can’t make a decision!! Nowadays, I turned to be so impatient to wait for the returns in life as a whole. I think of the returns specifically from the person I did for, so I can’t choose the first choice. But I feel this is not a wise thinking, good acts always work for the person’s interest sooner or later. I always hope I get back to my natural instinct and this is what terrifies me of choosing the second choice. I hate being the pale person, I always believe that everyone’s existence in another person’s life should be for a reason and I’m always trying to have an effective existence in anyone’s life.

Am I mistaken? If you think I’m not please help me to make a decision J

a message in a bottle

I’ve seen your note entitled “the promise” and I thought I may comment as the topic reminded me of a situation I’d experienced with one of my friends long ago…

I had his promise to be friends forever… I had his promise to remain together and to be for him as he was for me… I can tell you that we were back to back and side by side… I thought it was a very special relation which I hadn’t experienced before …and I think he felt the same as he told me this in a call oneday… the same call in which he gave me his promises and I think he was so honest that day…

I was so honest and so loyal to him and I think he knew this… I thought I should do my best in this relationship as I considered it a long term- investment, you can call it a life-range investment as I was in it by my all and I’m not exaggerating in telling so… even if he had not felt so, but this was my all and I think he felt the implications of being in by my all…

Suddenly all the words and the promises had gone with the wind with no obvious reason… I really searched for the reason and I hadn’t found a single one…

I didn’t find my friend when I needed him… and really I needed him… while I think he always found me by him… in his sorrows before his happiness…

I felt ingratitude and infidelity…

I’ve tried my best to keep him… but I felt that he did not want to exert an effort to keep me...

I remember that he did nothing to keep his promises to me … he caused me to feel all what you’ve mentioned in your note…

Do you think I was mistaken to try to keep him??

Do you think I should have not taken his promises seriously from the beginning and acting upon?? Because as you know promises imply commitments and related issues the simplest of them is trying to keep the relation; the baseline of it, at least its structure. If I had not believed him once he gave me his word I think I would have not been sorry and feeling betrayed that much.

You mistakenly may think I’m talking while expecting I did no mistakes; but truly I’ve searched for those mistakes which caused the promises to turn to their opposites in my story and I had not found...

I can conclude that many promises can be broken when the person who gave the promise for some reason decides to pull his word back or to ignore the promise and forget it, mostly misevaluating the other person's ability to be aligned with the promise; ignoring that once s/he gave his/her word to someone; it becomes a deliberate property between the two persons. No one of them has the right to give it away by his/her own without warning the other person. I don’t know whether this applies to the situation you mentioned in your note; but this is my situation.

I think you will think again about your notes’ privacy settings after this message… but thanks anyhow for having the chance to see that you may think about your words oneday...

I think getting feedback from those who you had given words before, is more viable than getting feedback from those who you had not… hoping that you may get feedback from those who you were thinking of while you were writing this note.

Under reconstruction

Every year I’m used to evaluate myself, my behavior and my attitude as a whole… this evaluation session usually is held in August… Dunno why August exactly but it maybe because August is the month in the middle of the summer holiday; I spend the first half of the holiday hanging out, sleeping, talking on the phone and watching movies, Then I begin at the second half of the holiday (August) to evaluate myself so as to get to the weakpoints whether they are characteristics or values need to be adjusted according to the personal and environmental consecutive changes.

This year I had not done this process the same way I use to do every year… instead; I had my mind so relaxed that it seemed to me as if it was a slacker which is totally unconscious…

to find myself after a month feeling so angry…

what had happened is that I was unaware of what I was doing internally… this time I was not evaluating myself or my behavior… but I was evaluating my relationships… of course every year I had used to evaluate my relationships as well… but this evaluation was done from my side or to my side… I was evaluating what I had done badly to the relations I’m having whether they are present relations or relations in the past; evaluating the lessons and learning from them…

this year my evaluation was quite different; I was evaluating the relations from the others’ side; by other means I was evaluating my gains from each relation I’m in nowadays… for the first time I do so… I was always evaluating what the others shall gain from me; and try to make more for them… I’m not declaring being an angel but I know well I’m always trying to make my friends happy…

The thing I had noticed this year that I’m so angry; the anger that I was hindering for the last years trying to convince myself that it maybe me who is the mistaken and who should be more flexible and adaptable… I found myself telling “enough… I got sick of this”… I felt being not satisfied with my relationships; I found most of them are not satisfying either psychologically, or mentally … some of them are very overloading and demanding to the extent that I found that I get nothing from this relation… of course no one gets nothing from a relationship; always there is a giver and a taker who should agree about each other’s percentage of either giving or taking and of what they should give and what they should take… i should be giving and taking of each relation I’m in… but what if the percent I’m giving is too tiring; and the percent I’m taking is too oppressing…

of course every issue has two sides; I’ve tried to get to the other perspective; to look at the full half of the glass… what if I’m taking what I’m not in a need of??... What if my friends are giving me by a good percent what I’m not feeling or I’m not thinking I need in the present…

but I’m always trying to give them all what I think they need; all what I would need if I were them… so what if I’m giving them too much of what they don’t need; so they don’t appreciate and they don’t give me a satisfactory return??... I think that if they were unsatisfied by what I think I’m doing; they would have not been that happy with me...I feel they are happy; they kept on telling me that they are happy when I did them something they like and even sometimes I may do somethings they don’t expect… I think I’m about to solve this conflict from this side…

also if they are unsatisfied with what I’m doing; they would not had missed those tiny things they were missing from me the few last weeks… I don’t know what to do know with my this increasing feeling of unsatisfaction… maybe I need to regard other aspects in my relationships… maybe I need to regard the full half in each personality but I swear that I’m already doing this with some relations I’m in and this is so overloading because I may regard some bright aspects of a friend’s personality which are not affecting me or s/he is not using to affect me… I keep hoping of this bright side of his/her personality and doing the good wishing that this bright side is affecting our relationship and then I find that I’m doing much more than I could be affected by the good of this relation… this of course is not the rule for all my relationships; but some of them…

I began to send an implicit message to each friend I’m considering a partner with me in a relation we have; his/her response would be the light which may lead me to the decision

I have two temporarily choices; from which I need to choose till I make my final decision… both are hard for me to implement and to deal with the consequences:

1- To go back one step and reconstruct all the unsatisfactory relations based on the new circumstances and the extent to which I need this relation. This would lead me to an empty soul with an empty circle…I may lose in this process two or three of the very few people who are still in…

2- To go on and move and keep everything as it is till I have my battery completely empty with nothing left to be given to anyone..

Really I have no idea of what to be done…

العودة

وها أنا ذا ...الغريبه إنى كان مفروض أرجع أكتب من زمان أوى وأتكلم عن حاجات كتير أوى... حاجات مش لازم تتنسى ...بتفاصيلها .. بحلوها ومرّها... عشان أنا فى الفترة اللى فاتت دى شفت ومريت بحاجات كتير وإتحركت فى أماكن كتير .. وإتعلمت حاجات كتير... وحاسه إن حاجات كتير وأفكار كتير إتغيرت فيا ...بقيت أنا مش أنا ... أنا مش عارفنى ...

بس لاقيت اللى حصل معايا إمبارح... على الرغم من إنه مش جديد ؛ بيدفعنى للكتابه تانى.. وده لأنه فكرنى بشوية حاجات لازم أعملها توثيق للذكرى وكمان عشان أبقى أشوفها وأتعلم منها وأفتكر نفسى كنت إزاى فى الفترة دى...زى بالظبط اللى حصل معايا دلوقتى...كتاباتى القديمة هى اللى كنت باحاول من خلالها فى الفترة اللى فاتت إنى أفتكر أنا مين...فكرتنى إنى كنت فى فتره عندى أفكار ذهبية ولازم أرجع كده تانى...فكرتنى لإنى كان عندى مشاعر وعواطف تملأ الكون كله حب ولازم أحاول أرجعها تانى عشان يرجع الدفء جوايا تانى... بجد بقالى سنه بالظبط تايهة وشبه فاقده الذاكرة ومحتاجة أفتكر كنت مين وبأعمل إيه...

كنت أخذت قرار إنى مش عدت هأكتب حاجه تانى؛ مش عشان مفيش حاجه تستحق التوثيق؛ بالعكس..بس عشان لاقيت إن مفيش أى حاجه دايمه، كل شئ بيروح ويتبدد فى ثوانى؛ الحب، الصداقة، العشرة، الاحلام ...حتى الثقة...ده حتى الزوج والزوجه اللى عاشوا مع بعض لسنين ممكن فى لحظة يتكون بينهم جدار الثلج ويبقوا أغراب عن بعض...معدش ف كلمة إسمها "للأبد" الكلمة دى بقت ملهاش طعم ولامعنى عندى...
أنا عارفه إنى مش بأقول حاجه جديدة ؛ بس أنا لسه بأتعلم؛ ف أما وصلت للحقيقة دى كانت جديدة عندى ... وأنا من النوع اللى مش بيصدق إلا أما يشوف ويجرب بنفسه...
كمان قلت مش هأكتب تانى لأنى وقت ما كنت بأكتب كنت كتبت حاجات حطيت فيها أغلى مشاعرى وأفكارى وقت كتابتها كنت حساها كنز غالى أوى؛ بس بعد كده كانت سبب زيادة ألمى وجرحى كل السنه ونص اللى فاتوا؛ مش لأنى ندمت على اللى كتبته؛ لأ مش ندمت ولا حاجه دى كانت أفكار ومشاعر صح أوى فى وقتها..كنت حاساها أوى ومقتنعة بيها جدا... لكن اللى كتبته زمان ده ساعد على إنى كل ما أقرأه تانى أفتكر أد إيه ممكن تكون الحقايق قدامنا ونبقى مش عاوزين نسمع ولانشوف؛ وقت ماتكون الحقايق واضحة كنت بأطردها من تفكيرى وبأغمض عينيا... ممكن إننا بإيدينا نسهل للآخرين خداعنا واللعب بينا ...

بس أرجع وأقول إنى لو كنت مش إتعرضت لأى حاجه صعبه فى حياتى مش كنت هأتعلم ولسه ياما هنتعلم...مش كنت هأبقى الشخصية اللى أنا عليها دلوقتى...بجد الحمد لله على كل اللى حصل ليا فى حياتى ... يمكن يكون فِ ناس حصل معاهم أكتر من كده... الحمد لله دلوقتى بجد بأشوف اللى من سنى منهم اللى لسه بيقع فى نفس المطبات اللى وقعت أنا فيها من 6 وللا 7 سنين...ومنهم اللى عمره أصلا ماهيكبر ولا يبقى زى الكبار ويحصلله زيهم !!

من الآخر؛ أنا رجعت النهاردة أكتب عشان أقول إنى هأرجع أكتب تانى اللى بأشوفه واللى بأحسه...واللى يحصل يحصل بقى...ده اللى هنشوفه مع بعض..وربنا يستر...

Deeply freezed

I don’t know why I feel this cold shiver inside right now…although there is a punch of happy events hitting persons around nowadays, and I’m one of those events’ makers; if I shall consider my master registration process a happy event; but three days ago I began to feel that shiver inside, although I’m supposed to be above the sky for all the events around, I found myself trying hardly not to cry… despite the hassle and the buzz I’m living nowadays and my life which had turned to be based mainly on hanging out everyday and night for the whole of 9 months…I don’t know whether it is a result of this hurt and the disequilibrium it caused in all my relations or it is one of the consequences of the self-evaluation process I’d passed through or it is only a cycle of the mood… but I feel so lonely, despite my boisterous life which is full of activities and events… I feel – but for maybe two or three close friends- that I’m a lonely person with many miscalculations… I doubt each phone I have, each relation I’m into, even- if it is a predetermined relation with predetermined intensions and motives but I find myself asking the same question again and again “why?? When?? How??”… I find myself for the first time refusing to get a place in a community, because I have a feeling that the community I had decided to be a part of and worked on being so, refusing me or ignoring me… or it is about life which I seem to have misunderstood many times again and again… I found myself for the first time satisfied by being in the shaded area and deeply inside not satisfied as it seems to be… I found myself tender to give less, take less, know less, participate less, laugh silently- almost smile- , cry deeply with no voice or no tears, complain less, say a little or maybe nothing at all even when I want to tell, give up persons and relations easily, less sorry, more regretful for what I’ve said or done for others specially friends, doubting all persons and expecting fast breakups…

For the first time I realize that I’m walking without looking through the faces and inside peoples’ eyes trying - as I used to do before- to surf their souls and personalities through their eyes… maybe looking through the souls is the misdeed I must admit, the misdeed that led me now to write this entry… now I’m going with no remarks, no words, no laughs, no tears… and no exceptions…

Really I hadn’t expected that much break inside; I thought I was stronger than it all and I’d manage it as I did three years ago when I was run out of principles and values, but I found out that it was the last one which I lost this time… it is now feelings’ bankruption era with freeze deep inside, with almost no laugh, no loud ones, and also no tears, no hot ones… with no heartfelt meanings even those bad ones…

Notification of change

I was always unsatisfied with my blog’s title, I’ve tried many times to change it but I had no idea what the new one shall be… I disliked the great favoritism of the old title to my thinking side because my entries also exhibit my feelings side-by-side with my thoughts…

Today, I made up my mind to change it based on the comparison of the no. of entries under each label/ category… this comparison was based mainly on the no. of entries under “Heart portrayals” against the no. of entries under “Mental feelings”, which resulted in the larger no. to be found under “Heart portrayals”… at first, I was going to choose a name that seemed to be taking the feelings’ side… but to guarantee the adaptability of the chosen title to all future circumstances, I’ve decided on naming it “Heart Mentality” which incorporates both sides… so I hope you enjoy reading it… Thanks alot....

Four Slaps

Yesterday I had a conversation with Dr.Seyam; one of those heavy conversations that may lead me at the end to burst into tears… the blessing in this type of conversations is that my partner on them is such a compassionate sympathetic understanding close friend like Dr.Seyam…

This last conversation reminded me of a flow of terrible memories of my childhood, from which I was trying to escape for years… I remembered them yesterday again!!

I remembered them all when I mentioned to Dr.Seyam that mom had left my graduation party at the very beginning and when I asked her about her reasons she explained that my brother had to study his lessons or he got bored … actually I don’t remember her justification exactly – and I don’t want to - but it was something like that….

One of the memories I remembered after this conversation had been finished was about the uninterrupted four slaps I got in my first day in the school I joined when I was in my 4th year in the primary school… this is one of my hardest memories, which I kept on hiding deeply in the black dark corner of my mind.. Though I’m not ashamed of something I had done, how shall I get ashamed of being a naughty 9 years old girl? , I’m ashamed of my parents’ reaction in that situation…

Let me tell the story at first, it was my first day in that school and it was the first day in the 4th year in the primary school… I cried a lot for leaving my friends and my lovely teachers in my previous school, but I had nothing to do about this... I went to the new school for the first day, and it was the time of the break between classes in the middle of the day… it was forbidden that day, to go down to the ground to play… but one of the girls in my class, her name was “Amal Ismael”, I don’t know where she had gone since our 1st year in the preparatory school and I don’t wanna know, all I remember is that I met her by accident in my 1st or 2nd year in my secondary school …well, that girl suggested to get down to buy some sweets and that stuff… let me explain something before going on this, it was very usual to break the rules in my previous private school, and it was my first day in the new private school also, so I expected that it would be ok and nothing would happen if I went down to buy some sweets…

So, we went down… and there was the hard surprise… the headmaster “Mr.Awad”, a hard tough strong tall man, with his harsh voice and his long white beard caught us... I don’t remember what her reaction was; I remember that she tried to run away, but I don’t remember whether she was caught or not, all I remember is that he screamed at me with his harsh voice, then I got the four hard uninterrupted slaps... it was my first and last time in my life to be slapped… I ran away to go up to my class, I remember that I had my head up to look, before I reach the stairs, to find that all the school students and teachers had seen what had happened from the rails of the up floors… I remember also that there was no one to do anything, they were all afraid of the headmaster, he was the man whom got all the students in their places in their classes with no one dared to talk to the student in the very nearest place to him/her in the break, if he decided to inspect the classes… and it was out of fear rather than discipline!!!

I hadn’t stopped crying that day loudly even in the classes and I remember that no teacher dared to ease my tears though they were all feeling sorry for me… the only few words I remember were from a teacher called “Miss.Azza”, she said:” Oh dear, you would get used to this after a while”…

I went home that day and I expected that the next day I may return to my previous school, or at least I would have an apology from someone… but I remember that my parents did nothing towards this… I don’t want to aggrieve them, but I always tell myself, if they had done anything I would have remembered it now, as I remember those four slaps… and even if they had done something passively and I hadn’t known about what happened, do you think that a 9 years old child who had been deserted in time of need from the closest persons ever, would consider passive actions to get his/her rights back?? .. all I remember is that mom called dad on the phone and said:” doesn’t he know that slapping someone on the cheek is forbidden in our religion??”… I remember no action after that conversation…and unfortunately it wasn’t the single time when my parents’ let me down...

Actually, my parents aren’t the only people whom let me down; I had felt this many many times… I’ve no intention to talk about this now…sometimes, that awful feeling was a trigger of much more nice other feelings and actions…

By writing and remembering all those bad memories, I found out that I had to thank someone, someone who gave me special moments when I felt secure for the first time in my life, he did this unconsciousnessly, and he had no intention of giving me so, but I felt this through his actions as a friend, to feel that you have someone to get your rights back, and ask you if you are satisfied or not… to feel that you had nothing to fear from or about when you are there with that one… I’d like to thank you for giving me a chance to release my soul and my hands without being afraid of anything, and you wasn’t aware of what may security mean for a girl, and more to say, for a girl like me, who was never protected, even from the closest persons whom are supposed to undertake this…I don’t have enough words, or fertile imagination to describe this feeling which I would never forget, though I’d never felt but for once… but all I have for this moment is to say “thank you my friend, you did me alot”...

A hurt

I don’t know why he insists on insulting me that way, I know he doesn’t mean it… but he hurts me badly, hurts my femininity unconsciousnessly… I maybe daring to claim so, or I maybe saying this bypassing all the consequences of this meaning... but really, I feel this deeply…

Many times he sees others in my eyes, in my words, in my actions, in my dresses… “my ex- used to say like this… my ex- used to look like this… my ex- used to behave like this”…and then I see the miserable man in front of me thinking, remembering or even dreaming of his ex-, her look, her way, and it isn’t only about his ex-s, it is also about his other female friends… really, I’m so hurt...

Why he always not trying to see my eyes, my actions, my look as a part of me, not as a reminder of the others?!!!

Why he always not trying to give us – yes, I mean it, us- the chance to make it?!!! …

And if I have some of his ex-s’ words, eyes, behavior – and it is not a nice way to compare myself with anyone, but I’m only supposing the comparison- so why we can’t do it together even for once?!!!!

This feeling admission puts me into a tight spot with myself because this imposes a decision making…. A decision to keep my dignity…

I don’t know whether it is about being jealous or it is about a dignity hurt, but all I know is that each time he acts this way I feel humiliated as a female… and I don’t know whether he knows about my story or not…

The action shall be either giving it all up – which I can’t take on now at least- or it may be yelling at him so as not to repeat those actions again, but this would make it all clear to him

I always decide on some actions then I get back and don’t take on, because I’m always afraid it would make it clear to him, the fear that awakened me to find out that he is miles far away from realizing what is it all about !!!

All what I can think of precisely right now is that he was capable of dashing my week completely and turning it into a bad dream through two disturbing situations… this is one of them…

Facebook Vs. Blogger

This entry was inspired from a conversation between me and a friend…I’m not going to make a deep comparison between facebook and blogger; I’m just going to mention only the sides I mentioned in the conversation…

I’m always monomaniac about my privacy, I’m always trying to keep it as much as possible… as I found that nowadays the hardest thing to keep about your life is your security, your internal issues and your privacy… always there are disturbances and persons who always tend to make it the wrong way with you… I started by my phone number and e-mail, I imposed some rules which were to some extent exotic to the surrounding people, only the ones who know me well could work it out, but day-by-day I’ve learnt that if you aren’t going to be appealing to all the others, so you must do your best to appeal to yourself, and you will never be appealing to all the surrounding people, no matter how much you tried… also I’ve learnt that, if you aren’t going to search for your internal leisure and comfort, no one would search for you, no matter how much you have searched for their comfort and relaxation…

By days, I figured out that I need to express myself, I have lots of feelings and thoughts that I want to share with some friends… and as a result, if I’m going to share, then I’d either accept any consequence or I’d better impose some rules similar to those which preserved my e-mail and phone number privacy… of course, I decided on the second alternative…

Ok, let’s have a personal blog with a limited number of audiences, those audiences are the close friends whom I shall share anything with, either orally or written... so why don’t I share with them online feelings and thoughts… I declared carefully that I have a personal blog, and I insisted on telling them all that only X, Y and Z know about this matter… I was very careful so that no one other than those friends, especially my entire group knows about that blog... why?

the answer is simple:

1-Because, I want to speak freely as much as possible, that is why I write actually, and my group doesn’t know that much about me... again why? Because they don’t understand me, some of them are very narrow-minded – sorry to say so, but it is the truth- , also some of them don’t respect privacy issues… also, some of them aren’t trusted at all – you will ask now, how can you have a friend and you don’t trust her/him? This isn’t the matter to be discussed here; maybe soon I shall write about the motives of doing so-…

2-It is not an idea that appeals to me to find all my heart and mind spread and shared along with all the surrounding people either they are friends or not... and who knows what is hidden there??

3-And I don’t want to have any troubles, I have enough…

Three weeks ago, I joined facebook, that great amusing community... and here is the debate…

Without going through the details, I always used this community to spend a nice time, to amuse myself and enjoy the accompany there…

Today, my friend got the info. that blog entries can be imported on facebook as notes, and he wanted to share that piece of info. with me… I knew so a week ago… but I ignored it all as the concept is rejected in my case…

The reasons for this rejection are:

1-All my friends, my group are there on the facebook, so what the hell I’m doing since a year to come now and publish all my blog entries in front of their sights there?? Huh??

2-There are too many strangers there, whom are able to see and notice the changes in our profiles there

3-Blogger is for blogging and facebook is for amusing myself… this sentence got the debate into another misleading way

“Blogger is for blogging and facebook is for amusing myself”, I said… I’m totally convinced of this principle… why I used blogger if I’m going now to get it all to the facebook??... Why am I going to get all my activities to be in a single place??... yes, I know that out thoughts and our feelings are part of us and we shan’t isolate them, or separate our activities, but I also know that every single action we do represents our thoughts and feelings and personalities, so I’m not isolating my feelings and thoughts, I’m only isolating the most important issues in my life to keep them only for the close friends to know about... that is it … for me, it is not supposed that all people know the same about me, and it is not supposed that all people should know the same amount of information about me… also I use facebook to have some time there with being free-spirited, leaving all the complex feelings and thoughts to the blog… trying to spend nice time there thinking about nothing but this, while I’m surfing the applications and quizzes…

More, what you didn’t get my friend, that I’m not you and you aren’t me … when the left hand-sides aren’t the same, then the right hand-sides of the two equations won’t be the same, so there will be no superposing between my opinion -which I didn’t offer you to apply-, and yours…

Question of the day

Why I’m always asked to feel the others’ feelings, troubles and problems while they don’t do the same ….

Why they are always seeing the problems from their aspect only and they aren’t trying to put themselves in my position while they always ask me to put myself in their position as a strategy to conclude that I’m guilty …

Why loud discussions are the base principle while loud or soft discussions have the same results, you maybe convinced or not at the end, but they differ only in the degree of anger provoking at the end … while rational discussions aren’t used because I’m (also) the one who is claimed to be savage and can’t be convinced at all…

Why always at the end I’m the one – the only one – who is claimed to be responsible for the whole problem, I’m the only one to be blamed and I’m declared to be self-conceited, selfish, and don’t ever think of the others’ feelings

Why I’m asked now not to be selfish or self-conceited??????????????? … it is known that when a mother is used to tell her son:”you are stupid”... He will resist for sometime... Then he will act as a stupid, even if he was pretending to be so… but he will act that way, because in both cases he is to be blamed so why doesn’t he try some way to relieve

I turned to be...

Here I’ll try to characterize then analyze my feelings and my decisions concerning the situations I’m passing through nowadays…

My family: years ago, I was wondering why in Eid we don’t visit our relatives like most people do… we only visit my grandma… I was so unhappy to have little number of family members,

On mom’s side: I have only an aunt in KSA and an uncle in UAE

On my dad’s side: I have only two uncles who behave the English way, there are no warm feelings and the relation is so cold between us and them

So, I had no one to visit but my grandma… I used to have a Christian friend, she had all her family in the same building… really, I was so jealous of her

After my grandma’s death – may Allah bless her soul – I had no one to visit, I felt like I have no family at all …I always dreamt of having many cousins of my same age to talk to and make friendships and warm relations with…

The only ones I had are my internal family members, dad, mom, brother, and little sister… a year ago, we passed through some sort of hassle, confusion, earthquake if you want to call it exactly… those certain events which I hate the most among my painful memories caused me to choose to get myself into my room… it became my little narrow prison… I chose that prison on myown as everything outside that prison got darker, more disappointing and so hurtful

Now, I feel very furious, I feel humiliated by each look, each word, each action they do…

I feel I don’t deserve so… I wasn’t responsible for what happened those days… I feel like a stranger, I want to break my prison and get away because I’m not bearing anymore to spend my whole day and night in that room…

That is true; I take the responsibility of building the high wall, but not for the reasons caused me to decide on building it!!!

I snatch each chance to go outdoors to do anything, even shopping without having extra money to do so, just to hang around…

My great love: the last time I was talking with Dr.Seyam about him, I yelled by a sentence, I used to tell it online, but this was my first time to tell it loudly in a face-to-face conversation, I may have told it last year, ok… but now everything has changed, I can’t bear it. The situation differs completely and I felt for the first time that I was humiliated as a female, I hurt myself by my words and he hurt me by his actions!!!

I’ve never felt this before neither during this story nor during the previous one!!!

The damn faculty: I feel so bad each time I remember that I’m working with no guarantees at all…

Responsibility from my side, and no guarantees from the other side…

I feel extremely angry when I remember that my decision to be a T.A. was based on the dream that I’ll learn what I need and what I like to learn – while I was, and I still, dislike that career the most- but I decided to complete to have my MSc and PHD but it seems as if there is not a single dream I have in my pocket would come true or would be complete to the end..

Also, I found myself learning out-of-date subjects by static-minded professors with boring course-mates… WOW, what a fascinating combination!!!

I’m not telling that I’m superior to anybody, but I used to have fun and enjoy my life…now, I can’t get to anything I aimed at, so I made some decisions:

1. I won’t attend any premaster silly lectures, no more boredom is needed!!!

2. With a cold, seeming no feelings at all, I declare that MSc is not an essential or primary degree... that implies the fact that I don’t mind giving it up, with all the other not-completed dreams… cause the rule “if you don’t have a point you must accept any alternative” doesn’t appeal to me and isn’t acceptable… at least, I feel I know what I don’t want, so I may one day find something that I want to do…

3 days per week

Here I wanna just document a heavy week full of events, some of them I don’t want to forget as each of them reminded me with a meaning I may have forgotten or I just put aside when I don’t need to do so… and the rest of those events I wanna forget but I must keep in mind while acting coz they triggered me to make some changes in my attitude while dealing with the others…

This week began on Thursday night when I woke up to find that a document I spent more than a week working at had vanished from my desktop!!!! … I went mad the way I couldn’t make it right or do the supposed action, I began to scan every part in my HD using the various recovery programs but in vain … the thing I didn’t do right is to feel guilt about this document, it is ok to feel sorry but feeling guilt here in this situation was some sort of self-torment… if I took it easy and hadn’t gone mad I may have begun in thinking how to fix the problem and I may have saved time , but as one friend said :” Ghada was Ghada & she is now Ghada & she will still be Ghada” I completely agree with you :D:D… sometimes , I feel sorry for the ones surrounding me – of course, not all of them – ,they seem to be waiting for a miracle , but till it comes true, Ghada is Ghada :D:D…. the point from this situation is that I need to begin thinking about a way to stop over-reacting with situations and putting them in the right size to choose the suitable solution if there is a problem actually, not a problem I feel it is going to be…that is it….

Sunday was a very full day… It began with my seminar; actually I had 4 aims from this seminar: the first was to practice facing large number of audience and to improve my communication and presentation skills… During the preparation step, while you are preparing to a presentation you perform two kinds of search, you are searching to prepare the material you are going to present to the audience and you are searching to strengthen your background about the topic you are going to talk about, so my second aim was to gain more information, even if I knew one new concept or a new word it is a profit in itself…the third was to assure myself , my college or my competitor had a seminar before in the same topic and the doctor told her that she missed the point of the search – he might be wrong – but even, I must prove myself and work hard not to miss the point especially this time…the forth actually is some sort of meanness, but it is ok, if I assured myself in this seminar , I’d be able to deal with that T.A who is trying to disturb me stronger than before, I don’t want to explain more in this point actually, ….here I’m ,on the stage, holding the microphone – not for the first time but this time with my aims, it has another meaning really –unfortunately, the doctor didn’t allow me to complete my presentation, he used to interrupt me with his silly comments and meaningless questions, then he told me that time-out and he wanted to give the lecture…I expressed my anger of his way, let the mic. down and left the stage back to my seat… actually I achieved two of my aims, but it is ok with me, I learnt here that achieving some of your objectives is better than not achieving any at all, also, sometimes achieving some of your aims maybe a way to achieve the rest of them with maximum profits as well…in this situation I think achieving all my aims side-by-side wouldn’t have been profitable than achieving two at first, and using those two to achieve the rest with more gains ….

The same day I heard that one of my friends had an accident , it was so bad and I felt very sorry for him , but actually when I knew the details of it I felt very happy that he is well… the point here is that I felt – not for the first time of course – but I had this feeling strongly that we always need to thank Allah very much, Allah like us all , Allah save us , although we make many mistakes, although we are always guilty, but Allah do the best for us all, though we may think about something at the beginning that it may due to our bad luck, but when we consider other factors we find that the thing we feel is going to be against us, is actually going to be for us…

I felt the meaning of the “aya”, where Allah says: (وعسى أن تكرهوا شيئا وهو خير لكم)

I felt strongly that day that I need to thank Allah for everything I know and for everything I don’t, for everything I feel it is for me, and for everything I think it is against me, coz Allah send us the things which are for our good, what against us is what we made, it is our faults and mistakes… I know all those feelings are built-in within our minds and souls, but actually that day I felt the meaning of those beliefs strongly…

What is actually going to be is what we will see in the coming few days……. Tuesday was a day I won’t forget really; it was a day where you feel bad about all of your friends, and about yourself… who is the right and who is the wrong???...who is the wide-minded and who has a narrow view???... who will remain and who will go away after graduation, or I may say, whom will I wish to stay with me and whom will I wish to go away with all the memories???...and for the ones I’ll wish to keep, will I be able to preserve???... here I wanna mention that the friend I talked about before – who I hadn’t intention on discussing our problems with her – talked to me on Tuesday (10-3) night about the matter and I tried hard to sneak with her and end the conversation coz I know the results in advance and I know that I won’t be able to change someone whom the days and the years weren’t able to change…and I wasn’t surprised at her childish ideas and I wasn’t surprised that she was impossibly convinced… but we decided to live the remaining month and we know in advance that we won’t remain friends after graduation – if we can call the status now a friendship - last Tuesday, I decided that even this month I don’t want to pass with her and I have my reasons to say this… so I’ll do what appeals to me and what makes me calm, that is all… it was really a hard day for me , not for losing her coz I knew 6 years ago that we are of conflicting personalities and it won’t be a friendship that lasts forever , I’ve told mom this several times before and now my word is going to be… It was a hard day coz I began to filter all my friends as a result of my status with her… I hope the remaining month passes fine with no more troubles, no more lose, I hope to preserve as much as I can of the good memories and the good persons ….

What is going on !!!

Really I don't know what is going on with my life …before I mentioned that I'm realizing some changes or problems that are going to rise into certain areas in my personality…but now I have proofs on this …actually, life events are facing me rapidly, in a manner I can't keep up with, even I can't adapt or develop my attitude to adapt with…I used to think of myself to have all the control nodes of the matters or I pretended to be so…NOW, even pretension I can't guarantee …I used to act and the others react…NOW, I think I act without awareness of what I'm doing, I think of the matter after acting not like before when I used to think then act and drive the others to react…NOW, I'm trying to just react hoping to achieve the minimal performance ,hoping that everything would be ok and wishing that one day I may get back to my previous performance or to my previous status…I used to be part of the news or even to make the event and organize it…NOW, I'm waiting for the news, hoping that the coming won't be worse and hoping that I may react well…really I'm wondering, what is going on !!!

Here I may mention the proofs of what I'm saying:

• A situation I'm facing nowadays with one of the T.A.s in the faculty… he is trying to play with me, hoping to achieve some appreciation or even my regard…but unfortunately he may haven't realize yet that he is one of those who I haven't and I won't consider at all except when I wanna have fun…I mean I consider him only when I wanna play at to have some fun not to play with…so, if he is trying to be a trouble in my life ...I'm saying sorry, even you are not capable of being so… sorry but I'm so busy ,not in the mood and I don't wanna have fun now… actually ,if you know that I've spent 5 minutes thinking of you and how to characterize my feelings concerning this issue to write this paragraph, I think you may consider it your luck day….
• Well, actually this situation is what triggered me to write this entry…here I realized really that I'm going into troubles with myself… it is ok if I'm the only one who is affected by my attitude…but when you begin to hurt the others…the close ones…you must have a pause with yourself and think of how to handle this… I couldn't believe I've turned to be that cruel one who doesn't notice her words… I've hurt one of my close friends… even while knowing that he is very overloaded and confused and while knowing that he will consider my words seriously, I haven't watched my words…and I was very aggressive and cruel with him … though, I was supposed to choose my words considering his feelings and nerves but for the first time I didn't care at all!!!... I don't know I think this is the first time I behave like this with him – he hasn't told me before that I hurt him – … now I feel guilt and I don't know how to fix the situation….what a pity!!!!
• Back to the enemy I've talked about in a previous post, after more thinking of the situation, I realized that I mustn't even be grateful to him …yes, and this won't be some sort of ingratitude at all …as you mustn't be grateful to someone who did something illegal, even if he did so to help you…it is not acceptable at all …besides, I still can't trust his intentions of this help… so if I think of the matter in two ways:

1. If I remain grateful to that enemy, I'd lose Ghada herself, actually I'd be a mean, besides he did something illegal so he doesn't deserve gratitude at all
2. If I acted meanly, I may be making a risk, but I'd preserve Ghada…

in both situations ,I'm a loser, but the second actually appeals to me and gives me better chances…besides, I always can play as a mean so what is new now?...

• The last situation I wanna mention here is about one friend who was considered to be my close friend last year, I knew her 6 years ago when we were in the secondary school…last year we were very close, though she has the same problem I face with my group – she doesn't understand me – but she was the nearest ….now I found that we stand 180 degrees apart… the gap is getting wider and deeper… and really now I've no sense or mood or intention on fixing the situation ..or you may say that I found that I don't want to do anything concerning this topic because now I can't bear what I was bearing before and I think the same for her –due to certain situations and new circumstances such as her engagement, I think she may have the same attitude as me- … so I prefer not to do anything or even to talk about the matter, leaving the days to say the final word in this whole situation…hoping that what will be going on is the best for both of us....

Final quote: concerning all those situations, I believe that Allah knows what is better for us more than we do…even if we pretend to know what suites us the most, we soon may realize that we were mistaken…

Sleeping with the enemy!!!

Really I'm wondering what is going on!!!….actually I don't aim from this title at the film entitled:" sleeping with the enemy" …I'm aiming at a situation I realized I'm passing through…

I didn't expect that one day I may be grateful to the enemy!!! ..Really this is what I'm experiencing with myself nowadays and I hate alot… I'm afraid the next step would be to smile at then to get to sleep with the enemy!!!... Yes the enemy him/herself….

I used to be the one who says what she wants to whom she likes to say to when she needs to do so, with no restrictions, no limitations and with no regression…. I really like myself that way and I'll do my best to afford changing this fact about myself…

The story began this year, when I decided to just relax and calm down when playing with the enemy actually after my troubles with the dean of the enemies I realized that the game is getting more exciting and dangerous as well ..So I must be cautious and it is ok to have a break, while keeping silence, setting in the dark, watching closely the enemy's actions, taking down notes to discover this new interesting world…

Actually this contrasts with my nature as a "trouble maker" , but I found it ok to have some time to concentrate more on my missions – even ,I did not concentrate on them due to certain situations I mentioned in the previous post –..But the part that scares me alot nowadays that I find myself keeping silence while I wanna talk …more, I find myself nowadays having protocols and policies while dealing with the others from the higher organizational levels -it is not bad to behave like this, but it is TOO BAD to behave like this with the enemy, that is the point here –….

I always believed to be able to impose my conditions everywhere not because I'm strong or because of some of my relatives' positions but due to my character and nothing more…I didn't like to be a victim at all, in contrast, I always liked to act as A bird on a wire ,to have the risk when dealing with the enemy… when I realize that I'm going to be a victim of a game, I turn this game on the one who is trying to play with me …. For his/her extreme cleverness – actually stupidity and silliness- he won't realize that he is the victim not me … and this is the most exciting part really, then and immediately I can take all I want without giving anything at all then I may scream under the sun " hey LOSER"......Actually one of my friends oneday described me as a mean – she aimed at this but she didn't dare to say it – but actually she didn't realize that it was a self defense nothing more…

These days I find that I'm a tool in a dirty game but actually I do nothing to stop this or to even have fun, I applied the principle of a means to a way i.e. as long as I'll benefit at the end of this game , it is ok ..But actually now I feel that really I'm a mean!!!

I used to play games with the enemy but to make deals with him... this is not of my manners!!!

I don't know whether this is some sort of wisdom or responsibility towards myself – i.e. feeling that I must afford getting into troubles – but all I really know that I hate this about myself too much…I like to live freely…speak freely…act freely…

These days unfortunately are full of events or maybe indicators and circumstances that I can't catch up with…I find myself making deals with the enemy, chatting behind the doors of the closed rooms...full of thoughts and life facts and events that are larger than me ...

I'm afraid that oneday, self development and changes may get to be out of my control or without awareness….really, I'm afraid of approaching this level and I don't have plans yet to deal with such situation….

Whether those changes are going the right way or the wrong way but I don't want them … at least now, maybe I'll need in the future...But now,it is my chance, my only chance to live the way I like ….. And as I said before, I'll do my best to afford to be changed this way!!!