Aspiring to a new life

Here I'm, again …but now with new feelings, new view, new hope …actually not completely new, but I'm trying to find some things were hidden deeply inside Ghada … also I always believed that I know myself completely but now I found that I can explore more … what aided me to arrive to such conclusion is the tremendous changes, events and situations I faced during the last 6 months… now I'm aspiring to adapt with those changes and trying to have a new life with new concepts …actually I'm going to just change my attitude or my view of life according to those events … not changing my concepts or my way of thinking as I'm completely satisfied with them…But only I need some flexibility and adaptation that is all…

Here I'll try to list some of the events that triggered the feeling I feel now:

• Actually I'm now trying to end some games I was playing with myself… although it is the most beautiful thing ever in life , it is the something which gives colors to our lives , makes us insist more on living and leading a better life – really , I've not lost this belief- but this all is achieved only when it is a mature feeling but it wasn't complete at all and I knew this from the beginning… but I believe I'm one of those who like to torment themselves, though I don't like the feeling of being a victim at all and I don't permit anyone to make me feel this but this time I was the victim of Ghada herself ,but maybe I find it interesting to have the risk … but when you are bidding on your feelings and your nerves …WHAT A FOOL !!!! ….. but the sweetest part here is that I found new thing about me … I found that I can take off my concrete mask and live with my abstract personality …I explored this part of Ghada deeply this time – as I always know that this is my personality but I didn't explore that part of it for a long period of time before ,actually 4 months are a good period of exploration – …but I decided to stop this game now as I said "it was true but not complete" so it will be a game which I will lose from the first round as I was abstract that time but I couldn't fly or even spread my wings, I didn't dare to do so as I was in a closed room and I knew this well…so now I can quit with no loss, yes I lost some time , and lost my concentration on my current missions ..But it is ok, all of this can be handled soon, it is not too late… and actually this feeling deserves…
• Here, I wanna say sorry …. Forgive me my dear friend I misjudged you, and according to this I was going to lose you and lose our friendship but you saved this at the last moments…really I appreciate you and appreciate your friendship which I can't imagine I was going to lose …it was a nightmare, but you know well that this topic "the 3rd topic " was larger than me to bear and I think the same for you…the sweetest part is that although the confusion and the shock I was passing through those days – because of this misunderstanding- I felt how much we are friends…I always believed on this and believed on you , but actually I felt this so deeply when I began to feel that I'm going to lose you …more than this , I always knew that you consider me a friend but I'm very very sure now…. And I'm grateful to another friend who saved this all, really you are believed to be a candle in the wind as you were described before…really, you are so rich…rich with your soul and mind … you succeeded in making all who know you miss you during your absence …miss your touches on our lives…miss your advices… really, thanks for being in my life ….really I think I'm gifted with the three of you…..
• Well, It is known that I faced many troubles at home in the last 2 months, most of them are with mom… thanks Allah they are to some extent handled nowadays or it may be some sort of rise and fall …anyhow, I think this is due to my decision to change my strategy – yes ,I'm talking about strategies ,we aren't in a war but actually politics and protocols aren't the concern of the governments only– anyhow, my new strategy was to keep silence ,try to prevent facing mom with pretension of ignoring the problem – although I haven't ignored my problems at all – but as I said I pretended to ignore it … I really dislike the feeling as if I was saying " you are thinking this way, ok, keep thinking like this I don't care what do you think of and I won't try to change or correct your thoughts – actually it is not a polite way to deal with your family like this but when you are missing the point or when you can't deal with them, finding after all those years that you maybe appreciated from the others more than you are at home…what will you think ??? …. When you miss the way to convince them with your being …what will you do???....what will you think of when you find that they don't respect your values and your feelings??... actually, I must admit, as I'm trying to develop myself and find new ways, I must expect that mom and dad also are trying to do so with themselves and I must adapt to new situations and circumstances… but what if they are changing their way while you are confused from inside , loaded with thoughts ..Many of them…. I think, soon I may handle this situation with them, trying to put new lines and protocols … actually now I think I live more peacefully than before … but I think in the coming days I may need to develop my relations with them more than just closing my room's door and setting on my pc knowing nothing about anyone here in this nice hotel…
• Here is the last part of my feelings nowadays, it is about my accompany …my friends – the topgirlsgroup – … actually, nowadays I'm trying to minimize the gap between us …. Really this gap wasn't their fault … they don't realize it … I think I'm responsible for a part of this gap … as I realized it early ,very early but I do nothing to fix this… I'm not doing this as we are going to be graduates after a few months but I really wanna explore them again from the beginning … I know them all, but I wanna give myself the chance to get more closer to them ..Trying to develop our relations together…. Hoping to preserve this friendship after graduation if Allah will………

I'm now trying to retrieve my stability, concentrate more on my missions….trying to rollback to my previous status…living my remaining days in faculty the best way, relaxing my mind…trying to gain more experience in life…. But will I make it the right way??..... This is what I will see in the coming days…..