Sleeping with the enemy!!!

Really I'm wondering what is going on!!!….actually I don't aim from this title at the film entitled:" sleeping with the enemy" …I'm aiming at a situation I realized I'm passing through…

I didn't expect that one day I may be grateful to the enemy!!! ..Really this is what I'm experiencing with myself nowadays and I hate alot… I'm afraid the next step would be to smile at then to get to sleep with the enemy!!!... Yes the enemy him/herself….

I used to be the one who says what she wants to whom she likes to say to when she needs to do so, with no restrictions, no limitations and with no regression…. I really like myself that way and I'll do my best to afford changing this fact about myself…

The story began this year, when I decided to just relax and calm down when playing with the enemy actually after my troubles with the dean of the enemies I realized that the game is getting more exciting and dangerous as well ..So I must be cautious and it is ok to have a break, while keeping silence, setting in the dark, watching closely the enemy's actions, taking down notes to discover this new interesting world…

Actually this contrasts with my nature as a "trouble maker" , but I found it ok to have some time to concentrate more on my missions – even ,I did not concentrate on them due to certain situations I mentioned in the previous post –..But the part that scares me alot nowadays that I find myself keeping silence while I wanna talk …more, I find myself nowadays having protocols and policies while dealing with the others from the higher organizational levels -it is not bad to behave like this, but it is TOO BAD to behave like this with the enemy, that is the point here –….

I always believed to be able to impose my conditions everywhere not because I'm strong or because of some of my relatives' positions but due to my character and nothing more…I didn't like to be a victim at all, in contrast, I always liked to act as A bird on a wire ,to have the risk when dealing with the enemy… when I realize that I'm going to be a victim of a game, I turn this game on the one who is trying to play with me …. For his/her extreme cleverness – actually stupidity and silliness- he won't realize that he is the victim not me … and this is the most exciting part really, then and immediately I can take all I want without giving anything at all then I may scream under the sun " hey LOSER"......Actually one of my friends oneday described me as a mean – she aimed at this but she didn't dare to say it – but actually she didn't realize that it was a self defense nothing more…

These days I find that I'm a tool in a dirty game but actually I do nothing to stop this or to even have fun, I applied the principle of a means to a way i.e. as long as I'll benefit at the end of this game , it is ok ..But actually now I feel that really I'm a mean!!!

I used to play games with the enemy but to make deals with him... this is not of my manners!!!

I don't know whether this is some sort of wisdom or responsibility towards myself – i.e. feeling that I must afford getting into troubles – but all I really know that I hate this about myself too much…I like to live freely…speak freely…act freely…

These days unfortunately are full of events or maybe indicators and circumstances that I can't catch up with…I find myself making deals with the enemy, chatting behind the doors of the closed rooms...full of thoughts and life facts and events that are larger than me ...

I'm afraid that oneday, self development and changes may get to be out of my control or without awareness….really, I'm afraid of approaching this level and I don't have plans yet to deal with such situation….

Whether those changes are going the right way or the wrong way but I don't want them … at least now, maybe I'll need in the future...But now,it is my chance, my only chance to live the way I like ….. And as I said before, I'll do my best to afford to be changed this way!!!