16 months' conclusion

I could sleep finally after 3 days of being insomniac and exhausted of my thoughts… and after 16 months of being stuck into the cycle I got my soul released finally… it is right that I’m not comforted at all and I feel that there are some sad, angry, furious feelings that would attack me soon.. it is right that I hadn’t burst into tears yet, and this part worries me a lot, because according to my previous experience about myself, I know well that as long as I delay crying as much as it may get worse and as much as I would suffer while crying lately… but I have a strong feeling that everything would be ok finally and I feel that I may be able to manage it all and to be strong facing all my troubles… I’m not the first one to be hurt... and it is not the first time for me to be hurt… and I’m still alive after all and I would be there as long as Allah wants so… so I must try to help myself to overcome and recover faster… I must pretend to be ok until I believe that I’m really ok, and I feel that I could manage that, regardless of the nightmares I had when I tried this 4 months ago, but I feel this time I must manage it and surmount my unconscious mind with the aid of my conscious part… those are hard times when I need to give the complete control and the complete privilege to my mind over my heart … I’m so sorry my dear heart, but this is for your benefit, cause you are more precious to me than letting you to turn to be weeping like that … I’d try my best to feel better and overcome as soon as possible and regain my life that I had missed 16 months ago… I’d try to re-dream my dreams… the thing that I like the most about me is that I’ve the ability to learn from my problems and adapt to new circumstances and get experience about life … as I believe well that if there is no pain, there would be no gain…

The new thing that I feel I can practice this time, is the ability to get to the optimal solution, or at least to pick the best solution among the worst solutions that the situation offers me… of course I didn’t get to this mind by myself… I got to it thanks to my friends whom I’d mention in the following paragraphs… but I would conclude that despite being broken inside, and despite feeling that I can’t see through the haze I feel around me nowadays… but I’m proud of myself for not being that weak girl I expected… through all the past 16 months, I was preparing myself and waiting for this moment and expecting myself to breakdown and expecting my soul to crash into the stone of the events… but I feel I’m stronger… of course, I hadn’t reached the clear mind yet, and I won’t ever forget what I passed through, but I’d work on gathering the scattered parts of my soul and heart…

Despite everything but I’m happy for having him as a close friend and as a part of my life… and a part of me is not regretting giving him my feelings because he deserved them… I’m not regretting any moment I cried of love… I’m clear- minded enough to declare that I had no promise about anything and neither my dignity nor my femininity were hurt, I still feel the complete female and I needed him sure but I feel that I can do by myself… and I’m still proud of having such a friend in my life because I learnt a lot from his manners and he did me the best through three years of strong friendship which he describes as a friendship of life and I share him that feeling… I wish him true happiness deep from my heart as I always did

After I wrote those previous paragraphs I wondered about this welling... from where I acquired those feelings!!!... But deep inside I know the answer, it was my friends whom stand by me, Dr.Seyam and Dr.Mervat… really I don’t know how to thank them…

Dr.Seyam whom was there for the whole of the 16 months, advising, listening, relaxing, comforting and bearing me in my fall moods… I don’t know how to thank you... I guess there are no words to express my gratitude and my pride to have you in my life… thanks my dear friend… there is a final note that you don’t know, you lent me your way the last 4 days before I knew about it, I tried your way of looking and seeing only the nice parts of the story and explaining everything from the good point of view, despite I chose a wrong timing to examine this way of thinking because I saw it coming 3 weeks ago, but I admit that this way of thinking gave me a pleasure of life and a pleasure of the moment I hadn’t felt before … thanks my dear friend… thanks for your sensitivity and not trying to hurt me by the facts you knew… thanks for standing by me... thanks my dear friend… you are so loyal and you are a friend of life…

Dr.Mervat, the angel who was there at the exact moment when I was beginning to fade... she left me up… I was suffering from not finding the female’s advice and she gave it to me at the right moment… I always believed that she is so sensitive and so kind as well, but this time really she touched me deeply and gave me a kind warm female hold… a week ago, I knocked my mom’s door, but I found it locked on my face… she got me down, she beat me and grounded me to the floor to declare her victory and proudly admit that her point of view was right from the beginning, regardless what I feel, and regardless what I need.. a woman- to- woman war… but thanks Allah I got used to her behavior, and it is ok now… at that moment Dr.Mervat appeared… she was there long ago, beside me.. But that moment really I was in a bad need to talk to a female who can feel me, understand and advice me honestly… and she gave me all what I aspired to… thanks a lot my dear friend… many many thanks… you are also a friend of life

final quote:” how wonderful is it to transform the tribulations which obstruct our lives into grants and offers and to see only the full part of the glass not the empty one… try to live on the little and don't expect so much”