Deeply freezed

I don’t know why I feel this cold shiver inside right now…although there is a punch of happy events hitting persons around nowadays, and I’m one of those events’ makers; if I shall consider my master registration process a happy event; but three days ago I began to feel that shiver inside, although I’m supposed to be above the sky for all the events around, I found myself trying hardly not to cry… despite the hassle and the buzz I’m living nowadays and my life which had turned to be based mainly on hanging out everyday and night for the whole of 9 months…I don’t know whether it is a result of this hurt and the disequilibrium it caused in all my relations or it is one of the consequences of the self-evaluation process I’d passed through or it is only a cycle of the mood… but I feel so lonely, despite my boisterous life which is full of activities and events… I feel – but for maybe two or three close friends- that I’m a lonely person with many miscalculations… I doubt each phone I have, each relation I’m into, even- if it is a predetermined relation with predetermined intensions and motives but I find myself asking the same question again and again “why?? When?? How??”… I find myself for the first time refusing to get a place in a community, because I have a feeling that the community I had decided to be a part of and worked on being so, refusing me or ignoring me… or it is about life which I seem to have misunderstood many times again and again… I found myself for the first time satisfied by being in the shaded area and deeply inside not satisfied as it seems to be… I found myself tender to give less, take less, know less, participate less, laugh silently- almost smile- , cry deeply with no voice or no tears, complain less, say a little or maybe nothing at all even when I want to tell, give up persons and relations easily, less sorry, more regretful for what I’ve said or done for others specially friends, doubting all persons and expecting fast breakups…

For the first time I realize that I’m walking without looking through the faces and inside peoples’ eyes trying - as I used to do before- to surf their souls and personalities through their eyes… maybe looking through the souls is the misdeed I must admit, the misdeed that led me now to write this entry… now I’m going with no remarks, no words, no laughs, no tears… and no exceptions…

Really I hadn’t expected that much break inside; I thought I was stronger than it all and I’d manage it as I did three years ago when I was run out of principles and values, but I found out that it was the last one which I lost this time… it is now feelings’ bankruption era with freeze deep inside, with almost no laugh, no loud ones, and also no tears, no hot ones… with no heartfelt meanings even those bad ones…