Really I don't know what is going on with my life …before I mentioned that I'm realizing some changes or problems that are going to rise into certain areas in my personality…but now I have proofs on this …actually, life events are facing me rapidly, in a manner I can't keep up with, even I can't adapt or develop my attitude to adapt with…I used to think of myself to have all the control nodes of the matters or I pretended to be so…NOW, even pretension I can't guarantee …I used to act and the others react…NOW, I think I act without awareness of what I'm doing, I think of the matter after acting not like before when I used to think then act and drive the others to react…NOW, I'm trying to just react hoping to achieve the minimal performance ,hoping that everything would be ok and wishing that one day I may get back to my previous performance or to my previous status…I used to be part of the news or even to make the event and organize it…NOW, I'm waiting for the news, hoping that the coming won't be worse and hoping that I may react well…really I'm wondering, what is going on !!!
Here I may mention the proofs of what I'm saying:
- A situation I'm facing nowadays with one of the T.A.s in the faculty… he is trying to play with me, hoping to achieve some appreciation or even my regard…but unfortunately he may haven't realize yet that he is one of those who I haven't and I won't consider at all except when I wanna have fun…I mean I consider him only when I wanna play at to have some fun not to play with…so, if he is trying to be a trouble in my life ...I'm saying sorry, even you are not capable of being so… sorry but I'm so busy ,not in the mood and I don't wanna have fun now… actually ,if you know that I've spent 5 minutes thinking of you and how to characterize my feelings concerning this issue to write this paragraph, I think you may consider it your luck day….
- Well, actually this situation is what triggered me to write this entry…here I realized really that I'm going into troubles with myself… it is ok if I'm the only one who is affected by my attitude…but when you begin to hurt the others…the close ones…you must have a pause with yourself and think of how to handle this… I couldn't believe I've turned to be that cruel one who doesn't notice her words… I've hurt one of my close friends… even while knowing that he is very overloaded and confused and while knowing that he will consider my words seriously, I haven't watched my words…and I was very aggressive and cruel with him … though, I was supposed to choose my words considering his feelings and nerves but for the first time I didn't care at all!!!... I don't know I think this is the first time I behave like this with him – he hasn't told me before that I hurt him – … now I feel guilt and I don't know how to fix the situation….what a pity!!!!
- Back to the enemy I've talked about in a previous post, after more thinking of the situation, I realized that I mustn't even be grateful to him …yes, and this won't be some sort of ingratitude at all …as you mustn't be grateful to someone who did something illegal, even if he did so to help you…it is not acceptable at all …besides, I still can't trust his intentions of this help… so if I think of the matter in two ways:
- If I remain grateful to that enemy, I'd lose Ghada herself, actually I'd be a mean, besides he did something illegal so he doesn't deserve gratitude at all
- If I acted meanly, I may be making a risk, but I'd preserve Ghada…
- The last situation I wanna mention here is about one friend who was considered to be my close friend last year, I knew her 6 years ago when we were in the secondary school…last year we were very close, though she has the same problem I face with my group – she doesn't understand me – but she was the nearest ….now I found that we stand 180 degrees apart… the gap is getting wider and deeper… and really now I've no sense or mood or intention on fixing the situation ..or you may say that I found that I don't want to do anything concerning this topic because now I can't bear what I was bearing before and I think the same for her –due to certain situations and new circumstances such as her engagement, I think she may have the same attitude as me- … so I prefer not to do anything or even to talk about the matter, leaving the days to say the final word in this whole situation…hoping that what will be going on is the best for both of us....
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