Today I’ve faced a situation which is not the first of this type. For the whole of 16 months I’m facing this same situation. While reading this entry you may ask yourself “if it is not a new state, so why she decided to write about it especially today”… my simple answer would be: because I finally decided to think about a solution, hoping that I may get to apply it soon and believing that facing problems is the best way to overcome them.
My problem nowadays is that I totally get hesitated about what I’m doing for someone or what I’m going to do for someone, feeling that I’m doing much more than what should be done.
Please, don’t misjudge my personality or my intentions. I’m not such arrogant or the self- conceited person that my words may represent. On the contrary, my friends used to describe my as “a giver”, when I was a student I used to be a community servant. Of course there are heavy reasons for my attitude to be changed that much, I’m not going to talk about them because they were mentioned thousands of times in my entries during the last 16 months. I’m just going to exhibit the problem I’m facing and the solutions suggested by one of my closest friends.
16 months ago, I began to think many times before doing any favor or any good thing for anyone. Maybe some people would find it the normal way of thinking because you should not do the good to all people all the time. You should choose to do the good things for those who deserve. But it was not my normal to do so, I was doing the good things for all people believing that even if they did not appreciate it, those good things may save me one day because they would be added to my good acts as a human being. I thought people are not measured by their achievements as much as they are measured; for me; by their good acts to their fellows and friends. Till I met someone who had proved to me that there are people who can make some achievements stepping on the others [and to the irony situation they are not even the great achievements which may deserve acting the arrogant one]. I turned to be the one I’m describing. Today I was suffering a great conflict. I was thinking whether to do something which would make a close friend very happy and would tire me a lot especially that I saw it coming and to take the risk of lack of appreciation or not to do it and lose the chance to create a memorable event with my friend, to make one of her wishes come true. This friend I believe she does not put things and people in their right perspective. Many people would find it normal to choose the second choice, but it is not my normal. I used to behave like Santa clause who makes wishes come true despite being unhappy. The evidence on not being in my normal is to have such conflict, because in my normal state, I will choose happily the first choice without thinking even for once of the returns I would gain. I was only interested on seeing this proud, happy look in my friends’ eyes. I traced this feeling to the extent that I enabled some people to abuse my feelings and interests.
I was talking to my companion, my honest mirror who had a solution based on choosing from two choices:
1- To continue giving, and in this case I should not regret anything I do for anyone because I’m the one who chose to do. It was an extra offer I made, so I should not blame anyone for not giving me in return, even if I was betrayed I should not feel ingratitude.
2- Not to give anymore, and in this case I should not feel bad for not doing anything for anyone or not having a hand over anyone’s life.
I feel these two choices are so definite; they are of the black/ white types. I love black/ white, but unfortunately I was not satisfied this time. I feel there is something missing about me which I can’t discover till now. I feel that anyone I’m doing something for should turn to be a partner in the action once I decided to do for her/him. Unfortunately, my mirror did not share this thinking with me; he thinks I’m the responsible totally and partially for the action since I decided to take over, because it was my offer in the first place, not the other’s demand. My mirror thinks that I’m now not able to control my acts, because I try to do good things to people around me while I’m feeling bad inside, so oneday the people I’m doing things for would realize that I’m doing things while feeling bad then they would feel bad and feel mad at me so my good intensions would be turned on me negatively.
I can’t make a decision!! Nowadays, I turned to be so impatient to wait for the returns in life as a whole. I think of the returns specifically from the person I did for, so I can’t choose the first choice. But I feel this is not a wise thinking, good acts always work for the person’s interest sooner or later. I always hope I get back to my natural instinct and this is what terrifies me of choosing the second choice. I hate being the pale person, I always believe that everyone’s existence in another person’s life should be for a reason and I’m always trying to have an effective existence in anyone’s life.
Am I mistaken? If you think I’m not please help me to make a decision J
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