العودة

وها أنا ذا ...الغريبه إنى كان مفروض أرجع أكتب من زمان أوى وأتكلم عن حاجات كتير أوى... حاجات مش لازم تتنسى ...بتفاصيلها .. بحلوها ومرّها... عشان أنا فى الفترة اللى فاتت دى شفت ومريت بحاجات كتير وإتحركت فى أماكن كتير .. وإتعلمت حاجات كتير... وحاسه إن حاجات كتير وأفكار كتير إتغيرت فيا ...بقيت أنا مش أنا ... أنا مش عارفنى ...

بس لاقيت اللى حصل معايا إمبارح... على الرغم من إنه مش جديد ؛ بيدفعنى للكتابه تانى.. وده لأنه فكرنى بشوية حاجات لازم أعملها توثيق للذكرى وكمان عشان أبقى أشوفها وأتعلم منها وأفتكر نفسى كنت إزاى فى الفترة دى...زى بالظبط اللى حصل معايا دلوقتى...كتاباتى القديمة هى اللى كنت باحاول من خلالها فى الفترة اللى فاتت إنى أفتكر أنا مين...فكرتنى إنى كنت فى فتره عندى أفكار ذهبية ولازم أرجع كده تانى...فكرتنى لإنى كان عندى مشاعر وعواطف تملأ الكون كله حب ولازم أحاول أرجعها تانى عشان يرجع الدفء جوايا تانى... بجد بقالى سنه بالظبط تايهة وشبه فاقده الذاكرة ومحتاجة أفتكر كنت مين وبأعمل إيه...

كنت أخذت قرار إنى مش عدت هأكتب حاجه تانى؛ مش عشان مفيش حاجه تستحق التوثيق؛ بالعكس..بس عشان لاقيت إن مفيش أى حاجه دايمه، كل شئ بيروح ويتبدد فى ثوانى؛ الحب، الصداقة، العشرة، الاحلام ...حتى الثقة...ده حتى الزوج والزوجه اللى عاشوا مع بعض لسنين ممكن فى لحظة يتكون بينهم جدار الثلج ويبقوا أغراب عن بعض...معدش ف كلمة إسمها "للأبد" الكلمة دى بقت ملهاش طعم ولامعنى عندى...
أنا عارفه إنى مش بأقول حاجه جديدة ؛ بس أنا لسه بأتعلم؛ ف أما وصلت للحقيقة دى كانت جديدة عندى ... وأنا من النوع اللى مش بيصدق إلا أما يشوف ويجرب بنفسه...
كمان قلت مش هأكتب تانى لأنى وقت ما كنت بأكتب كنت كتبت حاجات حطيت فيها أغلى مشاعرى وأفكارى وقت كتابتها كنت حساها كنز غالى أوى؛ بس بعد كده كانت سبب زيادة ألمى وجرحى كل السنه ونص اللى فاتوا؛ مش لأنى ندمت على اللى كتبته؛ لأ مش ندمت ولا حاجه دى كانت أفكار ومشاعر صح أوى فى وقتها..كنت حاساها أوى ومقتنعة بيها جدا... لكن اللى كتبته زمان ده ساعد على إنى كل ما أقرأه تانى أفتكر أد إيه ممكن تكون الحقايق قدامنا ونبقى مش عاوزين نسمع ولانشوف؛ وقت ماتكون الحقايق واضحة كنت بأطردها من تفكيرى وبأغمض عينيا... ممكن إننا بإيدينا نسهل للآخرين خداعنا واللعب بينا ...

بس أرجع وأقول إنى لو كنت مش إتعرضت لأى حاجه صعبه فى حياتى مش كنت هأتعلم ولسه ياما هنتعلم...مش كنت هأبقى الشخصية اللى أنا عليها دلوقتى...بجد الحمد لله على كل اللى حصل ليا فى حياتى ... يمكن يكون فِ ناس حصل معاهم أكتر من كده... الحمد لله دلوقتى بجد بأشوف اللى من سنى منهم اللى لسه بيقع فى نفس المطبات اللى وقعت أنا فيها من 6 وللا 7 سنين...ومنهم اللى عمره أصلا ماهيكبر ولا يبقى زى الكبار ويحصلله زيهم !!

من الآخر؛ أنا رجعت النهاردة أكتب عشان أقول إنى هأرجع أكتب تانى اللى بأشوفه واللى بأحسه...واللى يحصل يحصل بقى...ده اللى هنشوفه مع بعض..وربنا يستر...

Reasons why E-learning fails there...

I was searching inside for the last two years to find an answer of why I’m very opponent of the drastic trend of e-learning in our faculty; why I always find myself telling that “he3he3he3” once someone begins advising me about working on e-learning development in our faculty; and it was the same “he3he3he3” that I told dr.Waleed when he suggested that I may work with graduation projects to obtain the application of my MSc research point…

A week ago, I’d found out the answer of my unjustified refusal of e-learning, it was all about the unstructured environment we work on in our faculty… let’s explain the idea more; once I begin working on a research point I won’t be able to precisely estimate the deliverables or what shall my conclusions be from the beginning… to be able to see clearly I would need a safe, riskless environment to apply my theorems fully and truly, then the results would be used as a basis for the measurement of all the main concept I’m mainly building my dissertation upon and then this would be a point to derive all the possible versions of the scenario in question… after all; I’d be able to manage any risky, ambiguous circumstances I’m supposed to work through…

But what if I’ve tried to work at first mainly on a risky environment such as this one present in our faculty?? The answer is very simple; catastrophic incomplete results, and I would be deceiving myself if I took them as the measurement basis because they don’t represent the ideal or even a realistic state… ok, but I’m so sure that much that e-learning environment is a defective one, or this one would lead to incomplete results? Ok to answer this question I must apply it first on my research point which is composed of two main concepts (Agile Software Development + Service-Oriented Architecture)…so e-learning would be an unstructured risky environment to apply my research point on because:

1.There are no collaborative workgroups of researchers like those we find on the other international universities all over the world, so I must depend mainly on undergraduates’ graduation projects, the thing that would lead me to face hundreds of risks related to the solution’s quality… add to them the hassle of managing a group of students with all the possibilities of facing shortage in knowledge and experience as well as irresponsibility related hassle…

2.Agile development doesn’t have a wide basis of audience in our faculty [it was called macaroni development before]; so how shall I convince my teachers and colleagues about cooperating with me by even only giving me the suitable atmosphere I need to create with no in vain hassle??

3. SOA needs an infrastructure or some factors to build itself on the top of them… in more precise words; in my graduation project for example, though I know that it was with no other peer, but it hadn’t come up with all its desired objectives; and SOA wasn’t fully applied … i.e. we hadn’t used its full power because there were no reliable projects to integrate with and use its underlying data and I believe that there would have been more if we had applied fully SOA…

So if I used e-learning as the area where I apply my research, I’d come with unreliable, incomplete conclusions which would lead me to be as if I’m applying it or I’m studying it for the first time if I tried to apply it in the business real world… while people would trust me for my certifications telling that I’m one of MSc. holders I’d perform as just a postgraduate student and in this case the cost would be so high compared to the cost of using business to apply my point as the only alternative from the very beginning (I mean those research points which were mainly dedicated to business and those which demand either reliable infrastructure or distributed environment or both)

I’m not totally against e-learning part and parcel but I think that the right place where we can work on e-learning solutions is the research institutions where the environment is ready to develop such solutions and the risks are limited to the lowest level… but if this environment is not available at the moment; then we shall seek the right timing to apply our research points on e-learning in our faculty and never sacrifice our conclusions and measurements in the chase of a mode…

Deeply freezed

I don’t know why I feel this cold shiver inside right now…although there is a punch of happy events hitting persons around nowadays, and I’m one of those events’ makers; if I shall consider my master registration process a happy event; but three days ago I began to feel that shiver inside, although I’m supposed to be above the sky for all the events around, I found myself trying hardly not to cry… despite the hassle and the buzz I’m living nowadays and my life which had turned to be based mainly on hanging out everyday and night for the whole of 9 months…I don’t know whether it is a result of this hurt and the disequilibrium it caused in all my relations or it is one of the consequences of the self-evaluation process I’d passed through or it is only a cycle of the mood… but I feel so lonely, despite my boisterous life which is full of activities and events… I feel – but for maybe two or three close friends- that I’m a lonely person with many miscalculations… I doubt each phone I have, each relation I’m into, even- if it is a predetermined relation with predetermined intensions and motives but I find myself asking the same question again and again “why?? When?? How??”… I find myself for the first time refusing to get a place in a community, because I have a feeling that the community I had decided to be a part of and worked on being so, refusing me or ignoring me… or it is about life which I seem to have misunderstood many times again and again… I found myself for the first time satisfied by being in the shaded area and deeply inside not satisfied as it seems to be… I found myself tender to give less, take less, know less, participate less, laugh silently- almost smile- , cry deeply with no voice or no tears, complain less, say a little or maybe nothing at all even when I want to tell, give up persons and relations easily, less sorry, more regretful for what I’ve said or done for others specially friends, doubting all persons and expecting fast breakups…

For the first time I realize that I’m walking without looking through the faces and inside peoples’ eyes trying - as I used to do before- to surf their souls and personalities through their eyes… maybe looking through the souls is the misdeed I must admit, the misdeed that led me now to write this entry… now I’m going with no remarks, no words, no laughs, no tears… and no exceptions…

Really I hadn’t expected that much break inside; I thought I was stronger than it all and I’d manage it as I did three years ago when I was run out of principles and values, but I found out that it was the last one which I lost this time… it is now feelings’ bankruption era with freeze deep inside, with almost no laugh, no loud ones, and also no tears, no hot ones… with no heartfelt meanings even those bad ones…

“I’d like to" Vs. "I’m capable of”

This idea is triggered by a daydream I was thinking of one day and making the whole scenario with all the possibilities of the scene…

“What –if X had declared it one day, and I was in a situation that I must respond to him either with acceptance or by refusal??” [Actually, X is a variable with an associated value that I won’t tell here]

I had remembered this day NOT in the middle of the mind refreshment process I’m experiencing nowadays through a period of remembering many quotes, events, places, and situations which I can’t justify why I remember those things specially nowadays; the only reasonable justification is that I’m preparing my mind to receive new records and entries of the new year after the evaluation process I passed through the last couple of months.

Back to the main topic; the real reason for remembering that daydream was the question Yasmine asked me last time we were together:”howa law X et2dem leeky twaf2y??” [I was astonished as she told the same scene I was imagining before, but unlike the previous version of my personality; I’m going to be cooler and I’ll tend not to make matches and fateful conclusions this time; specially that there would be no action resulting from any conclusion as the answer was in the daydream and to my friend’s question the same:”No, of course”… and also the justification was the same: “because he trusts no one… and I tend to be so, I believe I doubt each fact, person, word till the contrast is proven and sometimes nothing is never proven… even if I show that I’m welcoming anyone, any fact, any word…and he is also a nice actor of the same drama…[this wasn’t an installed feature on me; instead it is a result of a sequence of unpleasant beneficial facts, events I passed through and persons I stepped over]

I need someone to keep me safe or at least to make me feel safe and he doesn’t feel safe or secure; so how shall he give me what I need mainly in my life, while he doesn’t have?... he won’t be able to give me something he needs and can’t find as well…

To explain what I aim at more; let’s consider the scene of some guy surrounding a girl’s shoulder with his arms… there would be three possibilities for his intensions of doing so:

-The pure desire trigger [male/ female view]

-The pure love trigger [lover-to-lover view]

-The pure love/manhood trigger [mixed (lover/man)-to-(lover/woman) view]

Let’s bypass the interpretation of the scene as it is out of scope here and analyze the remaining two scenes,

The masculine lover in the second scene was offering love and protection… of course anyone who offers his love to someone offers care and will to protect as well… but the quote said here might be like saying:”hey, I’d like to protect you; you shall feel safe when we are together”… nice expected feelings but with no guarantees of the actions and the consequences…

The masculine lover in the third scene like this one in the second scene was offering love and protection… BUT unlike him, the quote here is like saying:”girl; I’m capable of protecting you; you are safe and you must feel it for being with me”

Yes; you may say that in both cases there is no evidence or guarantee of the consequences and actions… yes; this is true, BUT there are always possibilities and expectations read from the personality themes you are dealing with and tend to analyze…

In my daydream; I shall be the feminine lover of the second scene; he can’t offer me what he doesn’t have initially… always and forever; feeling secure would be the magical entrance to internal peace; and no one of us shall guarantee this for the other…

I aspire – as all girls do – to be the feminine lover of the third scene to feel home with my lover regardless the surrounding circumstances or possibilities… it is just like you got all what you need by a scrub… you can now sleep safely, welcome home; no matter what lies behind the windows/outside you arms

It would be like watching two guys killing each other in the street; but it won’t make any sense as long as nothing would approach me as long as I’m looking through the windows/ from behind your back

If I’m going to bear someone who will never offer me what I’m in a bad need of; and I pretended to do without this thing and tried to give him what he needs [in case, we both are seeking the same thing] I’d be able to do so for a while but not so long, because one day I’d find no one recharging my battery; because he won’t be able to give me in return… my giving will in this case would be out of persistence not out of having what he sought…and as a result we both would feel that emptiness and we both would give it up so soon because who doesn’t own something can’t give it in return…

The scene of “I’d like to…I’m capable of” can be used also to prove the antithesis of what mom told me one day concerning my pals, whom I think they can’t act like responsible… she was arguing that if they are in charge of something they would be able to undertake it but I shall tell that each conclusion should have some origins or givens used to get to that conclusion…those givens are based on psychological, environmental and behavioral facts about those persons which would need further analysis to have a conclusion which would be specific to the personality in question…

7 Little Tricks To Speak In Public With No Fear

This article is copied from: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-little-tricks-to-speak-in-public-with-no-fear.html

There was once a time when I had no fear. I was 11 years old and I entered a story telling competition. I was confidently telling the story and captured everyone’s attention until suddenly I heard a voice from just in front of the stage commenting about my nose. It’s totally disastrous from that moment on. I lost focus and forgot the script altogether. That’s the exact time that I began to have a certain fear of public speaking.

Over the years, I finally overcome my fear of public speaking. I can now speak at any function unprepared and even though the nervousness is still there, I am able to control it. It was not easy but I made it with some help from books and a few techniques I develop myself.

Hopefully these tricks will be able to help you as they had helped me in overcoming fear of public speaking.

1) Admit nervousness

All you have to do is admit that you are a bit nervous speaking to your audience. When you do this, the audience will be more forgiving if your nervousness shows up later on. More importantly you will feel more relaxed now that they are not expecting a world-class presentation. Imagine their surprise when you gave them the best presentation ever despite your nervousness.

The best way to do this is by joking about it. Here’s an example of a good one. “On the way here, only God and I knew what I will be presenting. (looking a bit nervous) Now, only God knows.”

2) Redefine your audience

Redefine your audience generally means changing how you see your audience. Instead of seeing them as lecturers who are evaluating you, maybe you can convince yourself that they are all fellow students who are in queue to present after you. They are all equally nervous so there is no reason why you should be too.

Or perceive them as long lost friends that you haven’t seen for 10 years. This way you can maintain eye contact trying to figure out where you have seen him before. To the audiences, they will see a very friendly and personal presentation.

Do not try to convince yourself that they are babies in diapers or that nobody is around as suggested by some books. It is very hard to convince yourself that no one is around when you are actually speaking to them.

3) Invest in visual aids

Imagine a presentation with beautiful PowerPoint slides and even more impressive notes given to each of your audience members. Half of the time, their eyes will not be on you. They will read through the notes and your fancy slides. This will help a lot as you can then speak to the people who are not looking at you. When they look at you, you just change your focus to other people who are not looking. Giving a speech to people who are not looking at you is always easier.

4) Make mistakes intentionally

This is another trick I encourage you to try. Once I “accidentally” dropped my notes on the floor, and while picking them up, I warned the audiences that the presentation will be more confusing after this. I heard some laughter from the floor.

The idea is to gain control of your audience. If you can make them laugh and be more interactive with you, your presentation will have that casual feel to it which will make it more memorable than others. Ultimately you will find it easier to do.

5) Speak to one person at a time

One of the most terrifying things about public speaking is the crowd. Just by looking at the crowd, all in silence just to hear you speak, will send shivers down your spine. To overcome this, you just need to speak to one person at a time.

Choose one member of your audience and dedicate your whole presentation to him or her. Just assume that everyone else is not paying attention. When someone asks you a question, change your focus to that person and answer the question as if the two of you are in a coffee shop chatting away. Isn’t that the most relaxing way to handle a crowd?

6) Be impressive with personal opinion

Just like blogging, everyone can copy an article and paste it onto their blog. However, people read blogs not only to know about things happening but to know what that particular blogger’s opinion is on the matter.

When you speak or give a presentation, try to squeeze in a few of your personal thoughts on the matter. Of course these should be prepared early on. However, you should make it as if the ideas are “just in” while you are presenting. That will differentiate your presentation from the rest, and when you see the interested look on the faces of your audience, it will elevate your presentation to another new level, a level where you start having fun.

7) Have fun experimenting

This is the most important tips of all. Have fun with the crowd. Try new ways to give the best presentation to your audience. Maybe experiment with a new funny approach, or walk around the hall instead of being static on the stage. Have fun with experimenting on human behavior and you will see that public speaking is not that bad after all.

Remember that there are no failures, only different results.