A hurt

I don’t know why he insists on insulting me that way, I know he doesn’t mean it… but he hurts me badly, hurts my femininity unconsciousnessly… I maybe daring to claim so, or I maybe saying this bypassing all the consequences of this meaning... but really, I feel this deeply…

Many times he sees others in my eyes, in my words, in my actions, in my dresses… “my ex- used to say like this… my ex- used to look like this… my ex- used to behave like this”…and then I see the miserable man in front of me thinking, remembering or even dreaming of his ex-, her look, her way, and it isn’t only about his ex-s, it is also about his other female friends… really, I’m so hurt...

Why he always not trying to see my eyes, my actions, my look as a part of me, not as a reminder of the others?!!!

Why he always not trying to give us – yes, I mean it, us- the chance to make it?!!! …

And if I have some of his ex-s’ words, eyes, behavior – and it is not a nice way to compare myself with anyone, but I’m only supposing the comparison- so why we can’t do it together even for once?!!!!

This feeling admission puts me into a tight spot with myself because this imposes a decision making…. A decision to keep my dignity…

I don’t know whether it is about being jealous or it is about a dignity hurt, but all I know is that each time he acts this way I feel humiliated as a female… and I don’t know whether he knows about my story or not…

The action shall be either giving it all up – which I can’t take on now at least- or it may be yelling at him so as not to repeat those actions again, but this would make it all clear to him

I always decide on some actions then I get back and don’t take on, because I’m always afraid it would make it clear to him, the fear that awakened me to find out that he is miles far away from realizing what is it all about !!!

All what I can think of precisely right now is that he was capable of dashing my week completely and turning it into a bad dream through two disturbing situations… this is one of them…