I’ve noticed my changing behavior through the last couple of weeks… I was amazed about it… I’ve noticed that I get too much impressed by any song I hear, any scene I see… I thought previously that I would give up being impressed by love scenes or by love songs as soon as I get out of it, and this caused me a great sadness inside, because this wrong belief indicated that I’d always be in a need to love to feel… and this is wrong absolutely, because love and sensitivity have a reciprocal bond…
In the past, mom always accused me of not having feelings about the surrounding events… she’d never understood that I’m one of those whom are internally affected and impressed… and then, I’ve decided on changing my attitude, believing on exposing my feelings to all those who deserve so would abridge the barriers between humans… “When you like or love someone, you should tell them, don’t rely on them to get it implicitly and don’t delay doing so, cause one day, you may regret not doing it on time… this person might go and be so far away to reach… you may get apart and you won’t be comforted by the feeling “I wish I could… I wish I had told them””… I was so impressed by mom’s quote to the extent that I always kept it in front of my eyes and chased it so hard…
I’ve tried to leave a mark, to make a difference, deeply affect everyone’s life as soon as I enter it… I’ve chased this belief to the extent that made many people not appreciating it if I need sometime alone, or if I’ve decided to leave someone’s life, expecting me always to do more with no performance degradation and with severe shower of reproach If I decided on giving less, even if my decision was justified by someone’s behavior with me… and in spite of this, I’ve found that the second place is always reserved for me, even in lives of those whom I gave a priority in my life and even if I’m capable of doing well in the first place… even with those people, there are no excuses for not doing so and with no tendency to expect doing less…
I’ve discussed those feelings in detail in “The rabbit and the turtle” but I desired to mention this here to get to the joint between those feelings and what I feel nowadays…
I’ve thought that I’d get rid of my horses, not completely, but I was always waiting for them to appear again and I was wondering in which form they shall appear and at which point they would restart their hunt again…
I thought that having this too much anger- though it had never got on the surface- was an evolution in the horses’ chase… then this anger was mixed with this destructive desire to hurt and torture myself for what I’ve reached concerning my emotional life… but during last month I’ve passed through a quiet cautious era – thanks Allah- … the thing that worried me a lot, of course not being calm and stable, but it is the question about how it shall come up again… because I can’t believe that this is the end… and if it is, it is not a comforting end – though it appears to be so – but I’m always very afraid about my accumulated hidden explosions, which reside in my unconscious part waiting for the suitable time to ruin it all, and I’ve many situations when I chose to postpone the explosion or I’ve massively not apparently justified explosions, the situation that I don’t prefer at all, so I’d rather prefer to finish It all on time…
The new thing, that may indicate that I’m approaching the end, is that I’m now overly affected by any situation, not only the sad ones, but also the happy ones… not only those which deserve affection… not only love scenes, but any situation that may involve any emotional passion…
Yesterday, I was very impressed by “Sara” [the series]…when she was crying, though I’ve seen those series many times…also two days ago I was so impressed by a woman holding her infant tightly, I felt that I’m holding it as well… there are many examples to mention here…
I’m happy for having such feelings as well as being worried, because I think this is temporal… more, I’m afraid to escape to fantasy and day-dreaming life to discharge my emotions as I hadn’t found the suitable person do help me in doing so… also, this attitude is very tiring, because you have all your nerves and emotions present in all the time, whether the situation deserves or not, and this is so feelings’ consuming…
Anyhow, I feel that I’m blessed to get gracefully out of it, and to approach the end of this all, with the least possible loss and even if this end comprises much acting, though I’ve tried a lot to go away and neither to harm nor to profit, but this wasn’t possible the way I thought it would be… despite this all, I think that this was the most decent mature scenario… I think till now I’m managing it well and I hope I could have much more peace in my life soon… I hope to regain my loud deep heartfelt laugh which I’d lost in the way two years ago… I hope… I hope… I hope…
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