when you have much to give, no one to take

I’ve noticed my changing behavior through the last couple of weeks… I was amazed about it… I’ve noticed that I get too much impressed by any song I hear, any scene I see… I thought previously that I would give up being impressed by love scenes or by love songs as soon as I get out of it, and this caused me a great sadness inside, because this wrong belief indicated that I’d always be in a need to love to feel… and this is wrong absolutely, because love and sensitivity have a reciprocal bond…

In the past, mom always accused me of not having feelings about the surrounding events… she’d never understood that I’m one of those whom are internally affected and impressed… and then, I’ve decided on changing my attitude, believing on exposing my feelings to all those who deserve so would abridge the barriers between humans… “When you like or love someone, you should tell them, don’t rely on them to get it implicitly and don’t delay doing so, cause one day, you may regret not doing it on time… this person might go and be so far away to reach… you may get apart and you won’t be comforted by the feeling “I wish I could… I wish I had told them””… I was so impressed by mom’s quote to the extent that I always kept it in front of my eyes and chased it so hard…

I’ve tried to leave a mark, to make a difference, deeply affect everyone’s life as soon as I enter it… I’ve chased this belief to the extent that made many people not appreciating it if I need sometime alone, or if I’ve decided to leave someone’s life, expecting me always to do more with no performance degradation and with severe shower of reproach If I decided on giving less, even if my decision was justified by someone’s behavior with me… and in spite of this, I’ve found that the second place is always reserved for me, even in lives of those whom I gave a priority in my life and even if I’m capable of doing well in the first place… even with those people, there are no excuses for not doing so and with no tendency to expect doing less…

I’ve discussed those feelings in detail in “The rabbit and the turtle” but I desired to mention this here to get to the joint between those feelings and what I feel nowadays…

I’ve thought that I’d get rid of my horses, not completely, but I was always waiting for them to appear again and I was wondering in which form they shall appear and at which point they would restart their hunt again…

I thought that having this too much anger- though it had never got on the surface- was an evolution in the horses’ chase… then this anger was mixed with this destructive desire to hurt and torture myself for what I’ve reached concerning my emotional life… but during last month I’ve passed through a quiet cautious era – thanks Allah- … the thing that worried me a lot, of course not being calm and stable, but it is the question about how it shall come up again… because I can’t believe that this is the end… and if it is, it is not a comforting end – though it appears to be so – but I’m always very afraid about my accumulated hidden explosions, which reside in my unconscious part waiting for the suitable time to ruin it all, and I’ve many situations when I chose to postpone the explosion or I’ve massively not apparently justified explosions, the situation that I don’t prefer at all, so I’d rather prefer to finish It all on time…

The new thing, that may indicate that I’m approaching the end, is that I’m now overly affected by any situation, not only the sad ones, but also the happy ones… not only those which deserve affection… not only love scenes, but any situation that may involve any emotional passion…

Yesterday, I was very impressed by “Sara” [the series]…when she was crying, though I’ve seen those series many times…also two days ago I was so impressed by a woman holding her infant tightly, I felt that I’m holding it as well… there are many examples to mention here…

I’m happy for having such feelings as well as being worried, because I think this is temporal… more, I’m afraid to escape to fantasy and day-dreaming life to discharge my emotions as I hadn’t found the suitable person do help me in doing so… also, this attitude is very tiring, because you have all your nerves and emotions present in all the time, whether the situation deserves or not, and this is so feelings’ consuming…

Anyhow, I feel that I’m blessed to get gracefully out of it, and to approach the end of this all, with the least possible loss and even if this end comprises much acting, though I’ve tried a lot to go away and neither to harm nor to profit, but this wasn’t possible the way I thought it would be… despite this all, I think that this was the most decent mature scenario… I think till now I’m managing it well and I hope I could have much more peace in my life soon… I hope to regain my loud deep heartfelt laugh which I’d lost in the way two years ago… I hope… I hope… I hope…

The way between realism and mirage

A baby is born with his eyes closed, his legs tight to his stomach… once it begins to see, it begins to perceive the surrounding life, with all its bright and darker sides, with all its happiness and sorrows, with all its joy and grief…

Life doesn’t change its face, life doesn’t turn its back to us as we sometimes may declare to justify our sadness and our soul languish in sadness resistance… we are the ones whom change the views from which we interface with life….

A baby is born with a very pure heart; with no experiences, no opinions, and no inner hidden feelings towards anything… once this baby begins to have his own experiences, skills and feelings, he begins to seek a side of realism about life…

There are no extremes; this is one of the most important concepts about life… for example, there is no absolute happiness, instead, there are satisfaction and internal peace, which may lead is to a side of happiness but not the happiness itself… there is no black and no white, instead there is grey whose degree determines the closeness and the farness from the black and the white… babies can feel happiness, while adults feel satisfied, this to some extent may lead the dashing persons to live a faded life…

Let’s describe a model that may clarify the moral here:

Your birth determines your start, through the journey you pass by many milestones… till you reach your final destination… at your final destination, you have reached the last point or the extreme of a certain goal in your life, this extreme represents your extreme or the very far point that you can reach concerning a certain goal, this isn’t the extreme of the goal itself because everything in life is proportional, so there are no extremes…

More, the final destination here represents your death, after which you have nothing to do about your goals, thus your status at this point is your extreme…

The milestones here represent that checkpoints that you place after certain time intervals, and you pause your reactivity and proactivity to measure your performance regarding a certain topic… if you had already reached a level that you are satisfied of, then your performance in the next time interval would be increasing at a quiet confidence rate…

Each perception we perceive about the surrounding world, each situation we pass through- though it may be a repeated situation- is a life experience but we are the ones who decide when to begin counting… the ones whom are still with no adaptation or adjustment in their principles, beliefs, thoughts….. reacting to their life experiences and thinking that they are measuring on the scale of purity while they are actually measuring on the scale of idiocy rather than it is the scale of purity, because once the little baby had been scorch by the hot pot, it decides not to touch it again and may be it takes an aggressive action towards that pot.

Now, let’s expand the model a little:

Each baby is born with a basic set of needs which it is the responsibility of the adults to satisfy those needs. As the baby grows, his needs are increasing and he begins to take over the responsibility of fulfilling his needs.

To illustrate the model above, if a certain need has been split into three subneeds, then each need would have a satisfaction line over which many milestones are placed for evaluation… the summation of the performance achieved in all the subneeds’ satisfaction lines would form the actual rate of performance to satisfy the basic need…

If perfection is achieved in a subneed, this won’t necessary imply that the whole summations would be perfect, while if all the subneeds are satisfied and a level of perfection in achieved in a specific milestone, then the basic need is subsequently satisfied perfectly….

As long as you are seeking perfection you would not enjoy the desired internal peace even if you have at the moment all your needs satisfied perfectly except for only one…

The internal peace may result from two trends:

• Having all the basic needs (including the subneeds) perfectly satisfied..
• Having indifference trend concerning you life, you needs and your goals… this is of course an ill model of pretended internal peace.

To end this discussion I may justify the appearance of some persons enjoying everlasting internal peace can be explained as there are some persons whom seek perfection in a hurry and they are always seem to be anxious and worried, they may believe on failing once means endless era of failure where this mind isn’t true at all….

While there are some other people whom seek perfection but they have the wide mind to accept failures at any time of the journey believing that easy come easy go and confident that as long as they trust themselves to be capable of perfection, it will not leave their way…

Never Mind...Just Forget about it

One day I was walking with a friend who insisted on telling that he is the most troubled man ever, whose life isn’t going so well, with whom life is insisting on playing tricky games…

" أنا مش متخيل إيه اللى بيحصللى ده!! ... عُمرِك شفتى حد بيحصل معاه كل ده؟!!...حياتى بجد ماشية دراما ..لأ تراجيديا...مش متخيل الدنيا بتعمل معايا كده ليه ...محدش بيحصلّه نص اللى بيجرالى ده"

I smiled at him, though he chose the very wrong person to convince of his tragedy, but I was willing to listen to him… and I said a quote relates to my beliefs:

" إنت عارف ...هى تقريبا الأرض مكوّرة...أصلها لو مستطيل وللا متوازى مستطيلات كان ناس كتيره أوى هيختاروا إنه يجروا على أبعد زاويه أو ركن فيها علشان يهربوا من التواجد فى نفس المكان مع ناس معينة .. بس للأسف؛ الدراسات أثبتت إنها مكوّرة ومع كده برده إحنا لسه بندرو على أبعد نقطه"

I don’t know why I remembered this conversation while thinking about this entry elements, but I liked to begin with it… I think it, in some way, is related to the following points which are all strongly tight- coupled:

• I think I’m blessed to see it end that way, the same as I –secretly in my darkest deepest side- hoped to end… I’m blessed not for the end conformation with my hopes, but to witness it… a deep mind inside me was telling that the first end – my part- was for my benefit- of course this wasn’t my mind in the first shot, or let’s say in the first year after my first shock- but to believe that everything happens for good reasons, it is too hard and needs great persistence and maturity specially in heart stuff and related issues, because in most of those situations, logic and mind are misled by feelings, whether those feelings are love, happiness, desire, anger or even hurt….day- by- day I got evidences on the correctness of what I thought about both of them, even if all the surrounding people were sometimes trying to let me change my mind about him – coz, all people agreed upon her as being not so good- …
  I thought that witnessing them near, in their story, and having it touching my life, and for the ridicule of fates, the heroine declared many times that I’m the only one who understands her when she is talking about love, and I’m the one with whom she is very comforted while talking… I thought that all this is an affliction, but I was mistaken as in the end I got the moral which was to be totally and partially convinced of my end and to be completely satisfied that it is so fair, and was for my benefit…
  The question that rises here is that if I think it was a fair end for me and it was for my benefit, how shall it be the fair end for them as well?? Though I always believed that they both deserve each other?? And what would I say to prove that I’m not rejoicing at their misfortune??
  The answer would be simply that even if the evil ones appeal to each other, don’t they deserve to be hurt as the many people whom they – intentionally- caused to be hurt…
  A side-note: you hadn’t yet reached my darkest side, I’m neither envying them nor rejoicing at their misfortune but I’m watching the theories’ applications… those theories which I believed in and which were capable of disappointing me too many times over the past five years.. But it is not the time to talk about those theories now, I’d talk about this later in greater detail...So I’m witnessing maybe for the first time, the right application of one theory we need the most … justice!!
• Why each time I see this strange look in your eyes?? You are asking too many questions that you know their absolute right answers… I’m brave enough to tell you yes, that’s right…nice conclusion…unfortunately, you are right, with no proud… don’t doubt it anymore because those questions torture me a lot… I agree upon whatever conclusions you made except for the mind that you did your best to save it, because you did nothing… either wrong or right… it is still nothing!!...
  But you know, I’d remain speechless…
  You and I had a mutual thinking at the very beginning and at the end…” bel mastra”
  You and I know that it was a hurricane for me and a useless hassle for you…
  so Never Mind… just Forget about it
  You and I chose not to talk about anything, at the end speechless...let it go and it will, as many other things did… so Never Mind… just Forget about it
  You and I know well that the coming won’t be in any case brighter than or even as bright as the past… so Never Mind… just Forget about it
  You and I know that each one of us would remain a nice exception in the other’s life….
  so Never Mind… just Forget about it
  There were only two differences:
  - For me, it is not an accumulated experience and memories chain…I had made a deep freeze after the mail I sent you last January… after this mail, I’ve no memory, no quote, no feelings… just a memory about a faded smile, a faded face and a faded era which belongs to no more than me…
  For you, it’s a friend whom you think had worn a wooden mask and gone away, though this friend is there and you did nothing to take off his wooden mask with a pretention of a total ignorance of the actual reasons for this shift…
  - For me, it began with:
  " عندى ثقة فيك...عندى أمل فيك...بيكفى؟ شو بدك ..إنه يعنى أموت فيك؟؟"
  And it ended with:
  "كيفك إنت؟؟"
  For you, it began with:
  "إيديا فى جيوبى وقلبى طرب..سارح فى غربة بس مش مغترب...وحدى لكن ونسان وماشى كده..ببتعد معرفش أوباقترب"
  And it ended with
  "وأنا برده بأقول كان مالك نظراتك مش طبيعية...تشوفينى يتغير حالك وأتاريكى........."
• I remembered Meroo’s quote:” I wonder, how shall she appear so well, so strong, with her full make-up, colored dress and big smile… while they broke up two days ago!!!”
  Dear Meroo, what I couldn’t tell when you said it, is that neither Wael Gassar in “youm zefafek”, nor Khaled Aggag in “as’ab hob” were representing the black fantasy, instead they were delivering a narrow side of the tough real world.

Final quote, it may be a rectangular earth, but we are all standing and viewing only a very limited circular area, where some of us are standing side-by-side, others are standing back-to-back, but only very few persons whom are brave enough to stand face-to-face…

I liked this excerpt of prose for Abd El-Rahman Al Abnoudy:

"رميت نفسك فى حضن ... سقاك الحضن حزن ...حتى فى أحضان الحبايب.. تلاقى الشوك ياقلبى"

Question of all eras

Last week I’d attended a nice wedding of one of my colleagues…actually I’ve tried to blog about it before, but I delayed this entry though I was so afraid to lose the whole idea as what happened many times before because I believe that the first shot is always the best shot…but this time, the delay was for my benefit… the idea now is more complete in my mind and I guess today is the suitable time to write about it…

I’m not going to go on the details of the wedding, but I prefer to pass by in a glance to get directly into the moral of this entry… but I won’t deny that in spite of being there without my gang- the TopGirlsGroup gang, actually according to the very latest updates; they absolutely deserve the title gang: D- , and in spite of the cycle of sorrows, conflicts, fears and sadness which is getting narrower day by day, that wedding amazingly succeeded on getting me out of the mood, I enjoyed my time there though I hadn’t spent more than 2 hours, and I was very excited… though I began nowadays to feel that I’m getting older when I attend weddings despite being only 22 years old… this feeling is neither caused by the fact that I’m not engaged nor it is caused by the fact that I’m totally a loser at the emotional side… rather it is caused by the feeling that girls of my age are going to take over the responsibilities of the adults… I’d talk about this feeling in a greater detail soon…

The fact that triggered my thoughts that night was the groom’s age – bypassing his appearance, though for me it is an important measurement, but I believe in the famous saying: " لولا إختلاف الأذواق لبارت السلع "

I’m nearly to swear that the groom is in his 40s, though she has lied to me telling that he is about 27, while her friends in the wedding said that he is 32 years old, but I can’t deny what I had seen with my eyes!!

Let’s go out of his hassle to the important part here, the immense number of thoughts and questions flew through my mind that night…

bypassing the economical factors (from her side, though it is possible) what would be the motives for any girl to agree upon such marriage proposal???

She is only a 22 virgin whom hadn’t been married before… so her possibilities aren’t so few….so discard this possible reason….

is it right that only old men are the only ones now whom are capable earning a living and leading a family toward the future?? Ok supposing this is right, there is something to regard here… she hadn’t get enough share of life experiences to get to this mind which needs too much courage of a girl to accept…

can it be love? Sorry but this is a very disgusting idea for me to consider…to think about a crippled love between a 22- years old girl and a 40- years old man, it shall be some sort of parental love!!!

I know that many researches emphasized that a woman’s mind gets mature more earlier than a man’s mind by 2-3 years… so many people consider this a reasonable view to consider an engagement model of a man who is elder than the woman by 2-3 years would be a successful model from the view of decision making and leadership.. Though this is not always the case, we may find many successful models where both the man and the woman are of the same age… More, there are some models where the man is so brilliant than his woman though he is younger than her…so there is no rule concerning relations…

but to have a time distance of more than 18 years, what kind of sick engagement is this??

Is it the man who is getting more selfish day-by-day??

Mom has a model which I see it as unjust in some of its dimensions… she always keeps on telling me that:

• Men whom are about 25-28 years prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 20-23 years
• Men whom are about 29-35 years prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 24-26 years
• Men whom are about (35-…) years prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 26-30 years
• Men whom are about (35-…) years, and divorced or are widowers prefer to propose to marry from girls whom are 30-35 years

This is what I call “the greedy search model” …

who had delegated those unfair rights to men? The oldest can propose simply to the youngest… unless he is in love with one of his age, he can dare easily to go and ask her to marry him…

Who had denied a girl in the middle of the 30s of her age to marry to someone of her age??

Oh, I’d forgotten that we are reactors, no more…

I’d forgotten that we have stated in the minds of our community that the girl who is in her 20s is doing nothing but waiting for the sought knight to come and set her free, and the girl in her 30s and hadn’t married yet has nothing to do in her life and she’d better lock her room door and not to show up to avoid the tough treatment and the cruel looks of the surrounding community…

We have stated this idiocy in the community’s mind and we are now suffering from the consequences and trying to change those minds

It is true and I completely agree upon the idea of the woman’s refined role in the construction of the civilized society which implies that her life as a woman would have preference over her professional life where she can achieve her ambition … her life as a woman begins when she finds her partner, she begins to take over her main tasks for which she was basically created… her two lives are parallel, but if there would be a conflict, she would have to choose which part she would sacrifice totally or partially in favor of the other life…. In most cases, she’d sacrifice her professional life because most women see that she can be more productive in her life as a woman, many persons would be affected by her love and her donations…

While we see a wide party of men view marriage as a secondary step, or to be more precise, they view marriage as a complementary part in life without which life would go… they don’t view it as the beginning of responsible life because many of them would have been started her responsible life once they begun to earn their livings on their own…

Some of them view marriage as the beginning of the nowhere to escape disturbance and hassle of life…. It is the beginning of giving up the self-centered life to delegate some authorities to some other people to access his classified areas and sometimes to tire him with more troubles…

It is a natural idea which I don’t resist because it embodies the magnificent natural ability of a female to give…

However and after all, the community insists on depriving itself of the continuous giving ability of a wide majority of it using this unfair ages-model!!

Duality

Last week was full of many extra-contradicted feelings, moods and situations… I, as usual, accept and expect these contradictions and thanks Allah I deal with gracefully… this duality is a distinguishing characteristic of the Gemini persons... I’ve realized that my friends, whom are reacting to my duality openly, always find my actions and justifications are so clear, always give me excuses… on the other side, my friends whom don’t have a projection of duality, and how shall it affect someone reactions, are always complaining that I’m hiding something that I don’t want to talk about and that I’m the mysterious one whom can’t be reacted to easily…

The past concept was so clear in my actions and reactions, and others’ reactions last week… in the coming few points I’ll expose my evidences on this in a glance:

• It began with this comment from Rana, a friend in my group the lovely TopGirlsGroup, who had visited me last week with Marwa, Heba and Omnyia: “ how do you pretend that you are in you black mood, which prevents you from preparing for our coming Dish-Party… while I find you laughing loudly that much and telling jokes… I can see that you are so nice today, to the extent that I may declare that you are passing through very calm peaceful days… are you trying to sneak with us?? Just please admit it, Ghada…and even-if you have something that bothers you, you won’t ever have anything in your life much worse than what I’m facing nowadays... and you see me in all celebrations and occasions … and I can tell that you are just sneaking, no more”… Omnyia gestured to show that she agreed…
• I don’t know actually why I let my anger to blow up that much while talking about that topic, although it was a very nice day from the beginning to the extent that I was so eager to finish all my work as a T.A. for this year represented in marking all the system analysis papers in only that day, and I did it.. But at night, when this topic was mentioned, I got extremely angry, although nothing was new and nearly nothing was mentioned!!!...
  I went back in my darkest mood, although I’d just left it for only a day!!!...
• My birthday, that lovely day which had begun from 12:00 am Sunday to 12:00 am Monday…Really this day, it was a memorable day… all the people surrounding me succeeded in making that day magnificent… I found out how much I’m blessed with the people I know, really I mean each word in this… - add to this the comment Dr.Seyam said yesterday when I’d shown him the people I’m going to send a message on Facebook asking for help with a problem I’m facing... he said:”Ghada, really you have a very nice collection of people around you.. Really nice friends”… add to them yourself my friend ;) -

Well, the past paragraph was entirely a side-note in this point... what I wanted to mention indeed in this point is the following situation:

He called me on the morning and I couldn’t make it, because I was asleep… I intended to call him back later, but he called me again around 6:00 pm, I wondered about the reason for the call, but I found him for the first time since we knew each other – 3 years ago- remembering my birthday and calling to wish me a happy year… I was so happy with this call really, because I didn’t expect it from this friend… and a minute after, I got also that he called me to talk, because he always tells me that he feels comfortable after talking with an understanding friend like me – this is a compliment I’m very proud of, because he isn’t the person that can easily praise someone-… well, if he only was calling to say happy birthday to me, I’d be very happy... But if he was calling to talk with me, I’d be above the sky… What-if he was calling to do both?!!! …

The duality here exists in my reactions to this relation, I feel like I’m doing my best thanks Allah, and he is a best friend indeed... but what I feel nowadays is like a sea with calm waves, in other words, I hate the static nature this relation had taken recently… only one side is talking and one side is listening, and we may exchange roles in the second turn… I hate calm waves, and this relation wasn’t so in the past, we were interacting much more dynamically, though we –both -are much more rational nowadays… I don’t mean that I need troubles or I like and search for them, but I mean that I hate static relations and static calls, or static meetings which lack to something new or something exciting even in the way of handling conversations… static relations make me feel things faded, and I begin to predict the fast end of the whole matter, though this is not the case here for this relation.. I feel it would live long Inshaa Allah…

A side-note that I shall mention here, just for documentation purposes:

in this call, he kept on asking me whether I have new things or new upcoming events, and I kept on telling him that life is so boring nowadays and nothing new… then he said this statement literally: ” isn’t there a guy who is proposing to you nowadays??”.. I told him:”No”… he said:”are you sure??”... I said:” yes, believe me, there isn’t”… and a sequence of related questions…

As most girls, I couldn’t prevent myself from asking myself the “what-if question”… it was a “what-if” from his side, not mine… specially that I feel nowadays that he is trying to regain the relation shape as it was 3 years ago, and he is trying to get closer as he was before…

but as Ghada, in those situations, I tend more to find many excuses, especially that I know him well, I know how much he is caring and curious as well, I know that he may ask me this question expecting that I’d deal with it the right way… add to this that I know all his previous stories…

• “Oh, my friend… you would always appear in Love, even-if you may not be actually in Love… you tend to go with all your senses in each story, each song as If you were a part of it” …said be Marwa, a year ago….
  I was already in love when she said this quote, I thought that this was really the reason for the impression she had, so if I’m not in love, I may be unable to go deeply with my soul in any story I hear from a friend… I may be unable to read lovers’ eye-signs, and I may be unable to find excuses for their actions and cases… this was my theorem about myself
  Last week I saw a film that – thanks Allah- refuted my theorem about myself… this film was entitled “P.S. I Love you”… without going on its details, I shall say that I was so content to feel that I was so affected and impressed by its story although I’m not in love nowadays…
  Another proof on my wrong theorem is that I had a conversation during which I felt as if words are like a frozen hammer, hitting strongly my mind, in a very hot day to the extent that made me smell the stench of my grilled mind...Teshsshshshhh!!!
• Actually I don’t know what I want exactly, I got so angry – though it was so deeply buried anger- when I had heard what contradicted the words I’d heard before, though I knew those the words I heard before were to some extent spelled out to sympathy me, but they to a great extent satisfied my ego, to the extent that I expected them again… I don’t know why my black-sided personality – which I don’t feel I can conform to- tends to appear strongly on the surface nowadays… it may be a result of this huge amount of frustration that my dreamy-sided or white-sided personality brought me… but it mustn’t be an excuse for not keeping a tight rein on my straying horse…

Final note: I enjoy my duality to the extreme… I always feel that it is the blessing which makes my life better and lifts up my days from the well of boredom, which I may fall into as a result of the unified sides of actions and moods… this gives me the ability to surf all kinds of waves, put on all styles, deal with all types, penetrating all minds…