Cruelty

The two months I’ve been working came unfortunately in the same time while I’m experiencing great feelings’ confusion, soul emptiness and mixture of undefined feelings

I know well that in the beginning of any era you may face some feelings confusion, it is acceptable to me… but this came unfortunately synchronized with confusions in many areas in my life, which made me so unstable

I swear I’m not that one who is talking now!!!...I’m not that cruel one…but, I needed badly to document that conversation for two reasons:

1-I’m sure I’ll regret each word I’ve said here, so I want to face myself with those words to learn from the situation

2-I’m passing through that feelings’ confusion since a month, and I’m always not able to figure out or express what I actually feel … this conversation was my first time when I’m able to express those feelings more clear than anytime else during this era … that much of expression isn’t satisfying for me, and isn’t healing … but it was the most till that time while I’m writing this

This conversation took place between me and Dr.Seyam,

Dr.Seyam: have you seen Dr.Mervat’s entry entitled “I’m done”?

Me: yes, she was afraid of being unfair, though I think it was her right to take an action against them to preserve her rights… I dislike the students, and I’ve no intention to sacrifice any of my rights for them…

Dr.Seyam: how shall you be able to give?

Me: who said I have the desire to give?… haven’t you read my latest blog entry? I’m not going to sacrifice so as not to regret at the end … I found that nothing can make a difference …

Dr.Seyam: did you really mean so?

Me: no… yes… well, I don’t know actually… I’m so confused … look, the situation imposes a certain action to be taken

Dr.Seyam: look, I’m not going to discuss this matter now, but what I want to tell you is that when you don’t have the desire to give… you won’t take anything in return…and if you dislike the students and teaching then you won’t succeed and you won’t be able to satisfy yourself

Me: I swear I don’t know what exactly I want … but in the passing three hard examination days, I got annoyed so much… and I made up my mind to be so, I found that I can have no feelings toward any student… no feelings toward their failure or their success… no feelings toward their degrees.. no matter to do anything to defend myself… for example, the students whom were declared to deceive in the DS examination and Haitham insisted on substituting a mark out of their total, I did so with no feelings at all… I did so only to defend him and get our right back… and once he came back and he was hesitated about whether it was right or wrong to do so, I was so offensive against the students and I insisted on that they are mistaken not us

I don’t have the desire to put myself in their shoes… I don’t know why I turned to be that cruel one in a week…exactly a week!!!

Dr.Seyam: I don’t like you saying this, and I feel you aren’t so good while you are talking now, but please consider that you are wrong…

Me: really I’m so confused right now and I’m not able to state a strategy to tell you, but I feel that isn’t me who is talking.. I’m not that cruel one…

But also, I feel I’m comforted that way…. OOOH, really I don’t know and I’m not able even to interpret my words and feelings nowadays…

Dr.Seyam: ok, take your time, but don’t make a decision or take any action now … you haven’t yet reached your second maturity level

Me: do you think I’m really that cruel or it is a matter of time?

Dr.Seyam: it is a matter of time, and then you would reach your third maturity level and rest there for some time, but at the beginning of the next year we will see what will be there

Me: I always wonder why I expected nice treatment and help from the T.As while I’m not willing to help students… I always suppose that the good students would have special treatment from me, but I find myself treat them the same as the others … and I always find justifications for all what I’m doing

Dr.Seyam: what shall I feel when you tell me that you are expecting me to leave at anytime for any reason? What shall I feel when I find you doubting my friendship?

Me: unsafe

Dr.Seyam: is it a nice feeling to have?

Me: worst

Dr.Seyam: how can I trust you while you trust neither me nor yourself?

Me: ok, I don’t trust students… I always suppose that they are coming to lie to me or to deceive me, so I always don’t give myself the chance to believe them so I can’t help them

Dr.Seyam: well, it is breakable [from your side], due to something went wrong, even if misunderstanding occur

Me: yes, I’ve told you that I feel I’m so confused, all my feelings are conflicting, and I can’t disjoin them from each other.. And I can’t figure out the core feeling which influenced all the other feelings…

I’ve many feelings … the core of them is undefined… the command is initiated by that feeling and the action is applied to all the problems with different interface for that action

I don’t know whether the main problem is the students and their unrespectable actions, or it is all because of heart wounds or it is caused mainly by my problems with my family… all what I feel now is that I can’t formulate what actually annoys me... I found the justification to take any action to relieve my soul while taking the action … I feel I’m not governed nowadays by any principle, any value, any rule, and even I feel lost governing ethics

Dr.Seyam: that is why I began with my question trying to remind you of principles, values, rules and ethics… I think you don’t have someone to trust nowadays, so sometimes I see you falling…that’s why sometimes I turn to say silly words, maybe rude words also... just to remind you of who you are!!!

Me: I really meant the words “I don’t know whether I’m bleeding or I have and empty soul”... Maybe the mixture of both cases…

Dr.Seyam: just remember that you are on earth to do a certain task, you must do it

Me: to do that task I must feel that I’m alive at first, while I don’t feel so... or maybe I don’t feel the desire to feel so

Dr.Seyam: it is not the fault of anyone, and no one would be affected by your failure but you

Me: my problems are getting worse by the days… also the fact that there are no guarantees, makes me fall and lose my stress on any idea or any plan… I really have no plans, can you believe it!!!

Dr.Seyam: one can live without plans, but can’t live without dreams

Me: I used to have many dreams, but now I have a single hard-to-reach dream which I reserve all my efforts and resources for…I feel I'm dedicated for that dream... I swear now I don’t know why I’m a T.A… I used to think of the master degree and the PHD as they are a must for me… now I don’t mind give them all up easily… I don’t know the answer of whether I need the master degree or not… whether I’m happy with my job or not… I’m so confused…