My first day !!!

Though, I’ve been working for two months, but this day seemed to be my first day as a T.A… it was my first day to mark sheets and papers or attend an exam as a T.A… and what a tough day it was!!

The only nice thing is that I was making notes which I feel I may benefit from them in the future; here I’m going to list them:

1-I want to learn the technique of sneaking depending on the higher level’s ignorance … how to benefit from this … I told Dr.Seyam in the morning once I saw him :” I want to consult someone about this concept ;) really I want to learn this “

2-Why I dealt with Fatma that way?.. I asked myself that Q. many times during the day … why I was arrogant like that with her, though she is so kind, so polite … I mustn’t repeat that way again… with her or with anyone else … and she doesn’t deserve to be dealt such way , especially that she is not as the other … so they mustn’t be in the same package

3-Everyday, I feel how much we were so disturbing while we were students … the student has the responsibility for only him/herself... while the instructor, or the T.A has the responsibility for the whole class … and what a headache

4-I feel I’ve no willing to cooperate anymore with anyone... whether that one is a student, T.A, colleague or anything else … I’m not willing to share

5-My mistrust of the others grows incredibly everyday … I feel I’m not able to trust anyone anymore… this feeling is annoying me in a way increasing each day… I believe that the others always have another meaning and another feeling hidden behind their words and their sights and I must explore those hidden patterns… especially the students, I always expect they are liars till they prove the opposite

6-I don’t know how I treated with that cold face and friendly smile with her!!! … I was so surprised when she approached me and I hoped too much that she isn’t coming to talk to me… because this is the latest one ever I may hope to have a conversation with, even a formal one…my heart was beating strongly, and I tried to control all my nerves to be so cold … when I was marking the papers while her section was in, I left all the work to find myself only noticing her!!!... I hope I won’t be in the situation again to talk with her till she is graduated

7-After all, Haitham’s site was deployed and students got their examination in Lab.4, Thanks Allah Haitham was able to manage all that, I was happy for two reasons actually:

•A friend – Haitham – is happy and this may assure him deeply, really I’m so comforted accordingly and I hope this heightens his spirit... I know it maybe not enough for him, but I hope it is ok at least for nowadays…

•A new trend became true, and may lead to more subsequent new trends, I’m excited

8-I still and I will always admit that Dr.Seyam and Haitham are my teachers and before they are my friends … I only meant what I said literally:” If you had been marking all the papers and all those silly sheets … you may have the headache and won’t be able to go through any philosophical discussion” … I know that they had been through much more exhausting days before, so what I’m saying!!!

9-I was so happy when they insisted on consolidating my position when we were in Dr.Alaa’s office … I was so happy, not of the apparent situation but I was happy with their supporting feelings… Thanks a lot my dear friends…

10-I don’t believe anymore in the saying:” when you do something today, you may get the return tomorrow” … as my black experience imposed on me to believe in the fact that there may be no return at all … when you love someone to the deepest point in your heart and soul, you may get no return … when you give a lot, you may face ingratitude from the all ( don’t remind me with my colleagues of the same year, especially my group !!!) … so, work is the most likely domain of ingratitude.. but ingratitude here is covered with the word:” duty” … even when “you need to be appreciated from the others, even if you know you are the best”… but when you ask for some respect you may have the others looking at you in a suspicious way telling you that you are the most self-concerned person ever … and now I’m in a mood to tell that I don’t mind not having any return at all, coz simply I won’t give or exert any extra-effort from the beginning …

11-I remembered when I went home when you both examined me in the DB practical exam in the 3rd year,1st term … I remembered also that I formed a complex SQL query and I was happy of this … also I remembered that my sheet was one of the fastest sheets to be marked ;)

12-Back to my empty soul … actually I can’t determine whether my heart is bleeding or I'm suffering from my empty soul or my confused, unled mind …but I’m sure that I’m not stable at all nowadays .. even I can’t concentrate on or remember anything unfortunately

13-My favourite piece of song today is:

" لكن محاسبتكيش .. وقولتلك مفيش ... كأنك يا حبيبتى أمرك ميهمنيش !! "