I turned to be...

Here I’ll try to characterize then analyze my feelings and my decisions concerning the situations I’m passing through nowadays…

My family: years ago, I was wondering why in Eid we don’t visit our relatives like most people do… we only visit my grandma… I was so unhappy to have little number of family members,

On mom’s side: I have only an aunt in KSA and an uncle in UAE

On my dad’s side: I have only two uncles who behave the English way, there are no warm feelings and the relation is so cold between us and them

So, I had no one to visit but my grandma… I used to have a Christian friend, she had all her family in the same building… really, I was so jealous of her

After my grandma’s death – may Allah bless her soul – I had no one to visit, I felt like I have no family at all …I always dreamt of having many cousins of my same age to talk to and make friendships and warm relations with…

The only ones I had are my internal family members, dad, mom, brother, and little sister… a year ago, we passed through some sort of hassle, confusion, earthquake if you want to call it exactly… those certain events which I hate the most among my painful memories caused me to choose to get myself into my room… it became my little narrow prison… I chose that prison on myown as everything outside that prison got darker, more disappointing and so hurtful

Now, I feel very furious, I feel humiliated by each look, each word, each action they do…

I feel I don’t deserve so… I wasn’t responsible for what happened those days… I feel like a stranger, I want to break my prison and get away because I’m not bearing anymore to spend my whole day and night in that room…

That is true; I take the responsibility of building the high wall, but not for the reasons caused me to decide on building it!!!

I snatch each chance to go outdoors to do anything, even shopping without having extra money to do so, just to hang around…

My great love: the last time I was talking with Dr.Seyam about him, I yelled by a sentence, I used to tell it online, but this was my first time to tell it loudly in a face-to-face conversation, I may have told it last year, ok… but now everything has changed, I can’t bear it. The situation differs completely and I felt for the first time that I was humiliated as a female, I hurt myself by my words and he hurt me by his actions!!!

I’ve never felt this before neither during this story nor during the previous one!!!

The damn faculty: I feel so bad each time I remember that I’m working with no guarantees at all…

Responsibility from my side, and no guarantees from the other side…

I feel extremely angry when I remember that my decision to be a T.A. was based on the dream that I’ll learn what I need and what I like to learn – while I was, and I still, dislike that career the most- but I decided to complete to have my MSc and PHD but it seems as if there is not a single dream I have in my pocket would come true or would be complete to the end..

Also, I found myself learning out-of-date subjects by static-minded professors with boring course-mates… WOW, what a fascinating combination!!!

I’m not telling that I’m superior to anybody, but I used to have fun and enjoy my life…now, I can’t get to anything I aimed at, so I made some decisions:

1. I won’t attend any premaster silly lectures, no more boredom is needed!!!

2. With a cold, seeming no feelings at all, I declare that MSc is not an essential or primary degree... that implies the fact that I don’t mind giving it up, with all the other not-completed dreams… cause the rule “if you don’t have a point you must accept any alternative” doesn’t appeal to me and isn’t acceptable… at least, I feel I know what I don’t want, so I may one day find something that I want to do…